Aspergers and personal intimacy

LegacyUser

Firstly I know this is not a medical board, and I'm not seeking medical advice as I already know enough about the medical condition in itself.
My partner (we are both early 20s) has (in many ways a mild form of) Asperger's syndrome. This has broadly caused us very few problems in our relationship, in fact the very uniqueness of his 'quirky' personality, deep intelligence and the fact that he is genuinely a very nice and extremely decent (though often naive) young man.

However as we have now been together for five months, I can start to see areas where the aspergers puts a strain on the relationship. My boyfriend (I'll call him David) is often very slow to decide to put his arm around me or engage in any of the normal physical interactions that is normal for young couples such as holding hands walking down the street, etc. He has no issue with the actual act of holding hands, holding me, kissing, etc. the problem is just that he never takes the initiative on these, so while he is happyto hold hands or snuggle up on the couch (and I know he even enjoys these things), I am always the one taking the initiative, or else we'd just be sitting there without even touching! It isn't that he doesnt want to, i dont think, nor because he is shy (although i thought this was the problem at first), it seems to be that intimacy actually doesnt cross his mind unless it is triggered for him. Isnt it normal for a 23 year old man to have a much higher sex drive than this? Sometimes I just think that sex doesnt bother him, just makes him uncomfortable.
Maybe Im just being petty, it's not a huge deal, Im just wondering if people think I should bring it up with him? Its almost definitely because of his Aspergers and I know that issue is something he feels very uncomfortable talking about and usually just tries to change the topic. Discussing it might just make him more self conscious.

This also affects us on a sexual level. While David can get an erection easily and performs as normal in bed, he lacks any sort of initiative on lovemaking - there even seems to be something about it he doesnt enjoy.
i really dont know whether I should bring this up in case it makes things worse? We are very very close and I can see myself falling in love with him, if I havent already. I can talk with his family about most of the issues with the aspergers, except for this problem: the personal intimacy.

The Sweeper

How much have you read up on Aspergers?

See if you can get your hands on a copy of Aspergers in Love: Couple Relationships and Family Affairs by Maxine C. Aston, and go Googling for other resources.

This isn't going to be simply resolved by just talking to your boyfriend. That's sort of like saying "My boyfriend walks with a limp, do you think I should talk to him about it." Initiating and engaging in physical intimacy and communicating are all big problems for those with Aspergers and indeed anyone with autism.

You can talk to people about their voluntary behaviour in the hope it will change, but coping with someone's involuntary mannerisms - stuff they do because it's just the way they're made - is far more difficult.

Carrigart Exile

Unreg03698916 wrote:

Firstly I know this is not a medical board, and I'm not seeking medical advice as I already know enough about the medical condition in itself.
My partner (we are both early 20s) has (in many ways a mild form of) Asperger's syndrome. This has broadly caused us very few problems in our relationship, in fact the very uniqueness of his 'quirky' personality, deep intelligence and the fact that he is genuinely a very nice and extremely decent (though often naive) young man.

However as we have now been together for five months, I can start to see areas where the aspergers puts a strain on the relationship. My boyfriend (I'll call him David) is often very slow to decide to put his arm around me or engage in any of the normal physical interactions that is normal for young couples such as holding hands walking down the street, etc. He has no issue with the actual act of holding hands, holding me, kissing, etc. the problem is just that he never takes the initiative on these, so while he is happyto hold hands or snuggle up on the couch (and I know he even enjoys these things), I am always the one taking the initiative, or else we'd just be sitting there without even touching! It isn't that he doesnt want to, i dont think, nor because he is shy (although i thought this was the problem at first), it seems to be that intimacy actually doesnt cross his mind unless it is triggered for him. Isnt it normal for a 23 year old man to have a much higher sex drive than this? Sometimes I just think that sex doesnt bother him, just makes him uncomfortable.
Maybe Im just being petty, it's not a huge deal, Im just wondering if people think I should bring it up with him? Its almost definitely because of his Aspergers and I know that issue is something he feels very uncomfortable talking about and usually just tries to change the topic. Discussing it might just make him more self conscious.

This also affects us on a sexual level. While David can get an erection easily and performs as normal in bed, he lacks any sort of initiative on lovemaking - there even seems to be something about it he doesnt enjoy.
i really dont know whether I should bring this up in case it makes things worse? We are very very close and I can see myself falling in love with him, if I havent already. I can talk with his family about most of the issues with the aspergers, except for this problem: the personal intimacy.

Read your own post, he sounds a lovely man who needs a wee push in one area of his life and that is down to Aspergers and not because he doesn't enjoy it. Why not just remind yourself of the good stuff and count your blessings.

Black Swan

While having open exchanges in relationships are important, not sure that your solution lies in talk. It would seem that you are attempting to understand, and more of that may be needed on your part if there is to be a future for you both? He seems a nice guy from your description of him, but for this one issue. You know, there are a lot of guys out there without this condition who need their partner to be the initiator of intimacy... and not all of them are nice.