why now?

LegacyUser

im pretty sure i have depression, i've never been officially diagnoised or anything. im 21 female almost finished college. For 2 years i lived in a hell of my own creation i was withdrawn, unsociable, had no direction in life. i was miserable. i'd cry myself to sleep. Sometimes i had to leave college during the day just to go home and cry. At the start of this year i vowed to change things, i moved college, viewed it as a new start, became everything i always wanted to be, i made friends, had a social life, i was a different person, for the first time i could ever remember i actually felt happy, really really content, waking up and going to college, facing the day was something at last i looked forward to. For the first time in my life i actually enjoyed being around people, i felt absolutely comfortable in my own skin. i thought i'd finally 'found' myself. i still had my bad days where id be a little down but it was never as bad as it was before i could handle it.

in the last few weeks i've been beginning to feel like its all crashing down around me again. I'm not suicidal,i could never ever take my own life but i just dont want to wake up anymore. i'm trapped in a nightmare all over again. i just spent today holding back tears in college. i don't know why. this time its much worse, before all i ever knew was being sad, lonely and depressed, but now that i've experienced what happiness i'm capable of, the sadness feels worse. I dont know what to do everythings where i want it to be but i'm still in floods of tears. i've stopped caring again, i cant see the joy in anything. Nothings changed in my life, why now, why when i was finally getting somewhere has it come back? It feels like everything i'd achieved is in vain, whats the point in trying anymore if everytime i find some hapiness it could all come crashing down around me at any second?

coffee_cake

I think you should try talking to a counsellor/gp. I'd suggest friends, but you might feel more comfortable with someone anonymous. Plus a counsellor'd be trained to help you...
I think depression can come back in fits and starts sometimes. Like I said, maybe go talk to someone about it. Don't worry, they won't treat you badly or anything for it.

dudara

Well done for trying to come through this yourself, but maybe it's time you talked to a professional. Your student health service should be able to point you in the direction of someone, or else have a look at the charter at the top of this forum. There are lots of useful links in there.

Black Swan

I feel for your sadness. Perhaps it would be wise to go to your GP and get a referral to see a therapist?

Medina

Hey

A gp/therapist might help you, or maybe you feel that you got yourself through it, you could do it again?

If can get over your own depression, you may feel more buoyant and happy than depending on medication? Only you know how you feel about this.

It seems like you managed to get through it before by taking the decision to care about your life, and now again you feel like you don't care anymore and your joy is gone.

Is there a reason why you lose the feeling of value your own life has?
Do you feel worthless?
Or do you feel that your life is worth something, but you just don't know how to maintain your happiness?

Maybe you need to find fulfillment elsewhere..you managed to make yourself happy but it wasn't enough..maybe you could try something like volunteering work with children..you'll feel like your life matters, that you have a value to someone else...that someone else needs you.

What I'm saying is that you seem to have achieved the changes for yourself that you need, and now you don't feel its enough, maybe you have that kind of personality that also needs to help others to feel like you have a purpose? That can really increase your happiness and self confidence, I'd really recommend doing something worthwhile if this rings a bell.

Cautiously I would also say to you, maybe looking for God in your life might help?

Or perhaps you just need to bring a new mental attitude to your life, try admiring the world around you even as you walk down the street, find inspiration, try to find the beauty in life in little things, like a child laughing, a beautiful building, an emotional piece of art..these things can also bring peace if you feel the world moves around you, but you don't feel part of it...make contact with the world through finding beauty.

Maybe this is all rubbish to you, but all of these things have helped me in the past overcome depression, I also suffer from it.

claire-g

Every college has a student counselling service which is free to students, i imagine your college website has a link to the counselling service in your college which will tell u where it is on campus (if u dont already know), i strongly suggest you pop in make yourself an appointment with one of the counsellors and tell them how you are feeling. they are trained to help!!!

best of luck x

Talliesin

You've got two things to deal with.

Firstly, short-term issues relating to the fact that you are depressed (whether technically, or merely in the colloquial sense of the word) now.

Secondly, the long-term issue that you tend to suffer from depression.

You need to get the short-term issues dealt with before you can do anything long term. Medication may be the answer and may not. It certainly was for me when I was in a similar situation, but people vary a hell of a lot in this regard. Talk to a doctor about how you are feeling and whether medication may be a suitable sort-term fix for you.

Long-term you don't have to keep dealing with things on your own. Find a counsellor and get some help.

LegacyUser

'

you seem to have achieved the changes for yourself that you need, and now you don't feel its enough

have to say this struck a chord alright, i went to a party last week surrounded by friends, people who actually care about me, i couldn't believe how far i'd come, but at the same time i realised theres still something missing.

Maybe you need to find fulfillment elsewhere..you managed to make yourself happy but it wasn't enough..maybe you could try something like volunteering work with children..you'll feel like your life matters, that you have a value to someone else...that someone else needs you.

yep, i'll admit that the thought of being valued/needed by someone else has been playing on my mind recently, but at the same time it seems utterly selfish to help someone just to make myself feel better.


in relation to the gp/therapist suggestions:
a family member has depression and was precibed medication by gp, i dont think this is something i could consider. i want to not be depressed anymore. masking the symptoms seem a bit pointless, if its not going to solve the problem as to why im depressed.

i've considered going to a therapist countless times but i couldnt do it ,i know i could never truely be honest with them. i know its their job, they wont judge etc. but i just couldnt trust a stranger enough to discuss my feelings, its hard enough opening up to friends. aside from that what could they tell me that i dont already know, change your perspective, focus on the positive, see the value in the little things, i've done all this.

everythings as it should be but it just feels like somethings missing

thanks for the replies. sorry for being so argumentitive.'

Medina

idontknow_where wrote:

yep, i'll admit that the thought of being valued/needed by someone else has been playing on my mind recently, but at the same time it seems utterly selfish to help someone just to make myself feel better.

First off you're not argumentative, you know your own situation best

Secondly, it's not selfish to help yourself and help others at the same time, even if you're intention is that you need to feel valued. The kids want to feel cared for too, thats not selfish is it??

Help each other out, thats all.

Marksie

I was in a similar situation in the past. Your own strength can only take you so far and if things keep piling on then a helping hand is what you need.
Go to your GP or a counselling service who are there to help.
You may not need it for long, but sometimes that extra leg up will help you through it

coffee_cake

idontknow_where wrote:

in relation to the gp/therapist suggestions:
a family member has depression and was precibed medication by gp, i dont think this is something i could consider. i want to not be depressed anymore. masking the symptoms seem a bit pointless, if its not going to solve the problem as to why im depressed.

I was the same way about medication but you don't have to do medication I think...

i've considered going to a therapist countless times but i couldnt do it ,i know i could never truely be honest with them. i know its their job, they wont judge etc. but i just couldnt trust a stranger enough to discuss my feelings, its hard enough opening up to friends. aside from that what could they tell me that i dont already know, change your perspective, focus on the positive, see the value in the little things, i've done all this.

Perhaps you should still try going once or twice just to try it. Maybe it'll be like you said, but, since they're trained and all, they might just surprise you. Just give it a go...

everythings as it should be but it just feels like somethings missing

thanks for the replies. sorry for being so argumentitive.

no probs and you're not really being argumentative

b3t4

OP, from what I've read, it's like you tried to sweep your depression under the carpet without dealing with it. This will only cause the depression to bubble back up again. We can only gloss over so much in our lives before it starts biting back.

Op, please attend a counsellor in your college it'll do you the world of good to discuss how you're feeling with a professional.

Best of luck,
A.