Why can't I have sex??

LegacyUser

Hello all!! Ok, I'm a 19 year old fella and I have been with my girlfriend for a year an a half. We have been basically trying to have sex for a year but I always fail and I feel that I may lose her because of this someday. She has been very calm about all this and has been very supportive but I understand it's taking its toll. We are both virgins and this is frustrating us so much and is causing much unrest in our relationship.

Ok so here's my problem. Basically when we first started trying I was having some trouble with condoms and nerves. Every time I put it on I would lose my erection. This made me very upset and destroyed my confidence because it kept happening so my confidence was rock bottom.

We then left it for a while but tried again after a few months but still I was having the same trouble. I really hate condoms. I feel it ruins the moment and I always lose my erection but I would rather be safe. I really want to have sex and so does she. We have been waiting for so long.

So now it's a year on and we are very happy together. We tried again during the weekend. I got the condom on,kept me erection, which excited me alot because I though this was it. I got my penis inside her vagina but then I slipped out and we couldn't seem to find a good position. It was very awkward and then I lost my erection because I felt I failed her again. When I lose my erection that's it really because my confidence is shattered.

This is upsetting me alot. It's been over a year. I want to have sex and so does she but I just can't do it. Why can't I do it? Is there something wrong with me? I hear of people having no problems after there 1st try but I have been over a year. I feel like I will never get over this. Anyone know what to do?

Thanks in advance

coffee_cake

Firstly, you seriously need to relax. Getting worked up and frustrated about it won't help. Seriously. Even if it goes wrong, just try and relax, even though it's horribly frustrating, because it won't help if you don't.
Secondly, if you are having issues with condoms, maybe you should try practising putting one on when she's not there and there's no pressure on you or anything. That way when you're more used to em, there should be less trouble when you do try to do it with her there.

Ruu_Old

There is nothing wrong with you. You need to relax as bluewolf said. You just need a bit more practice. Get your partner to put on the condom for you perhaps, it might help keep you aroused for a bit longer. Don't be afraid to ask your partner to help you out (get her to hold it in until you can get started), I'm sure she won't have any issues with that.

Placebo

what u can do is use long lastivity ones, they have this cream in them that numbs you so youll stay errect. but if u go down u gonna stay down for a bit !

LegacyUser

I have never heard of those condoms. To be honest it has been going on long enough and I feel it's something else or is this normal?

What positions would you recommend? Oh and by the way believe me I have had enough practice with condoms but still to no avail

Medina

Maybe she might go on alternative contraception like the pill or injection and get rid of the condoms?

Don't force this, suggest it maybe once , tell her its the condom you have the problem with, and if she's not agreeable , keep trying with it.

You seem too focussed on the actual act itself, can you not enjoy everything else in bed until you get to the point where you can't control your desires anymore, maybe that might help? It might not happen in one night but until it does, just enjoy the other stuff together.

the_syco

Dunno. Get used to wearing the condoms. Try having a **** with a condom on. Get used to having it on when you're hard. Just a thought.

Tar.Aldarion

Placebo wrote:

what u can do is use long lastivity ones, they have this cream in them that numbs you so youll stay errect. but if u go down u gonna stay down for a bit !

How does numbing it keep it erect?
Those condoms(Performa) were the worst buy(32) I made in years, I didn't even know if I had a penis wearing them.


You just really need to relax OP, get used to waring one of these annoying things. Sex is nothing to get nervous about for you. You say you managed to have sex briefly, you are doing better. Just try simply missionary first and take it slow so as to not slip out.

EDIT: I would not suggest what Medina says about losing the condom, maybe use the pill and the condom...

Talliesin

I don't think you're going to find that Performa or similar makes of condoms will help here since the idea behind them is that they reduce sensation and hence enable men who find they come very quickly during intercourse to last longer (how good they are at that is another matter).
This isn't your issue though, so that's not likely to help much - if anything if you find you're losing your erections they're likely to make them worse.

Using a different form of contraception could help you. The contraceptive pill is, if anything, more reliable than condoms at preventing unwanted pregnancy though it of course has zero effect upon STIs. Femidoms have a protection rate comparable to condoms. Other options are worth looking into here.

Take your time with each other, if you find that intercourse isn't working then go back to other ways of having sex and just enjoy them. You can try again - or not. Concentrate more on enjoying yourself and making sure your lover enjoys herself and less on intercourse in and of itself and things have a much better chance of happening.

aidan24326

Tar.Aldarion wrote:

EDIT: I would not suggest what Medina says about losing the condom, maybe use the pill and the condom...

Why would you say that? If his girlfriend went on the pill that would remove the need for condoms tbf. They are both virgins so unlikely to have any STD's, but could get checked out anyway to be sure (as oral sex can be a risk for some std's)
The pill is a more reliable form of contraception than condoms anyway, once the girl is careful to take it as directed. Condoms can be a real mood killer, especially for someone who's already a bit nervous/apprehensive. That said, they're not half the mood killer a crying baby would be, so OP make sure you're never tempted to go in there without one unless gf agrees to pill/injection/whatever else.

Marksie

Go away from the idea of penetrative intercourse as being the be all and end all of sex. You are in a self reinforcing loop of nerves and tension which is aggravating the situation.
I.e. you are nervous... you dont get an erection, you get more nervous..it gets worse etc.

OK you two are very happy... as you said. Work on al other as[ects of physical intimacy apart from penetration and relax with your partner and just slowly let go those worries about penetration... and concentrate on enjoying giving each other all other sorts of stimulation... when you let go your worries then it will just happen totally naturally

Motley Crue

Sex sucks wrote:

Ok so here's my problem. Basically when we first started trying I was having some trouble with condoms and nerves. Every time I put it on I would lose my erection. This made me very upset and destroyed my confidence because it kept happening so my confidence was rock bottom.

Ok, i think its just a case of nerves, you just need to relax. you get too worked up about it. First, on the night youre going to have sex, dont drink excessively (i.e get drunk). Make sure you do it in a bed, in soft light, and try a bit of foreplay for a while beforehand. when you know you have an erection dont focus on keeping it maintained, focus on keeping her satisfied, keep kissing her body etc and maybe even ask her to put the condom on for you and hold your penis in her hand while she does this. once she unwraps it try and go in straight away, slowly, and make sure to move in and out for the first minute. after that nature should take its course, youll prob end up coming within 2 minutes (again, normal) and you can do it properly in an hour. in the time between, continue foreplay

if you honestly feel u cant maintain an erection and its beyond nerves, then try some viagra, seriously.

maybe, and im being serious when i ask this, youre not attracted sexually to women? honestly, has that ever been a problem for you in the past?

b3t4

Sex sucks wrote:

We tried again during the weekend. I got the condom on,kept me erection, which excited me alot because I though this was it. I got my penis inside her vagina but then I slipped out and we couldn't seem to find a good position.

That's the first hurdle over with then :-) You managed to get the condom on and keep your erection.

It was very awkward and then I lost my erection because I felt I failed her again.

I can't speak for everyone but I know that the first time I'm with anyone it can be very awkward. Both partners have to get used to each other and this can take a little time and effort so there is no need to fret about this. You haven't failed anyone. Next time things will be easier.

Like the others are saying you need a relax about the whole thing a bit more. There is no need to put so much pressure on yourself. Sex is meant to be fun you know :-) Penetration isn't the be all and end all.

EDIT:Also for people who are suggesting the girlfriend take hormones I wouldn't take this step lightly.

Best of luck,
A.

chamlis

Like Motley Crue said, alcohol should be a no-no.

Phenobarbidoll

Don't worry about going for hours or trying hundreds of positions the first time. It might not sound very exciting, but you could do a lot worse than good old missionary. The angles involved will make things more comfortable for her (once you support some of your weight on your arms) and there are fewer things to remember or get in place when you're already nervous.

There's plenty of time for swinging off the chandeliers, don't worry.
Practice makes perfect

LegacyUser

Thank you all so much for the replies.

I understand that it's nerves but it's just it has been a year now and I think it's going on far to long. The thing is I really want to have sex and so does she. We have done everything else. Like I mean everything. Don't get me wrong we both love all the other things but we just want to try sex and have been for a year and it's getting to much to handle.

By the way yes I'm attracted to girls. I love my girlfriend. I think she is so sexy and she turns me on so much. With oral sex I have no problems. Sex is my problem. I just feel I'm too young for viagra.

I wonder why I slipped out of her the other day. What is the best position?
I feel I will never have sex and it upsets me because I want to and so does she

Victor

Would you consider other contraception, thorough STI screening and no condoms. It means waiting a few months for tests and being faithful to each other.

Sex sucks wrote:

I wonder why I slipped out of her the other day.

It happens.

CharLit

Hello OP,

I would also seriously consider tying a different form of contraception (and an STD test if either of you has run any kind of risk) if the condom is such a big part of the problem. Have you and your girlfriend talked about this?

Sex sucks wrote:

I wonder why I slipped out of her the other day. What is the best position?

That does just happen sometimes, and sex, like anything else takes practise. There is no 'best' position, but somehing you could try is having her go on top next time: this gives her most of the control, which might help because she's the one who can actually feel where you're supposed to be going.

Sex sucks wrote:

I feel I will never have sex and it upsets me because I want to and so does she

Aw hon, of COURSE you'll have sex - and you're only 19, so once you do, you probably have another good 60 years of it to look forward to! You made it one step further already by keeping your erection and actually penetrating her. You'll get there, and soon too, I reckon.

caff

hmm few tips..

durex tingle condoms.. I think thats what they are called.. have some stuff in them that gives a tingling sensation for bit of excitement

other thing is.. and sorry might be a bit graphic here..

if you start to loose it, lie down with her on top, without trying to enter her, get her to grind over you with the condom on , might get you erect again

dont know if that helps but some suggestions anyway

Talliesin

Sex sucks wrote:

The thing is I really want to have sex and so does she. We have done everything else. Like I mean everything.

You could do a new thing for every day of a long life (assuming things like gun fetish play with the safety off didn't accidentally bring that life to an abrupt end) and still have things left to do.

Even people like the second Earl of Rochester couldn't claim to have done everything.

Still, unless you've an ambition of being so notorious that plays and films are made about you 350 years after you after you die, you don't really want to do a tiny fraction everything. Besides it'll take 300 years before many people have any sympathy for you.

"Everything" isn't a very useful concept here.

Firstly, while its unlikely that you'd want to do everything (hardly anyone would want to do more than a fraction of the things mentioned in http://deviantdesires.com/map/mappics/map81002.gif and that's far from comprehensive) it may not necessarily be wise to assume there's nothing left that you would do either.

Much more important though, is the matter of how you are framing this problem to yourself.

If you were someone who couldn't show his face in Monaco due to a scandal involving two crown princesses, an oversized dildo and a large quantity of cocaine that would put your problem in a very different context than it is.

You're not. You're 19 and you've some sexual experience that you're happy with, some sexual experiences that you want to try but have failed to do successfully (intercourse) and may or may not have other things you are interested in but haven't tried.

Not a desperate lack of experience for a 19 year old who has chosen to be sexually active, but not hardly experienced to the point of being jaded either (for a start you still say "sex" to only mean intercourse or "We have done everything else. Like I mean everything." with a straight face, which both signal a lack of experience).

And that's okay. You don't need to be more experienced than that. You don't get a Blue Peter badge or anything so who cares.

I'm not terribly experienced, but that's okay since I'm happy with the amount of experience I do have. Because I'm not telling myself I've done "everything" I'm not going to get as stressed if something doesn't go as we wanted - why should I be so arrogant as to assume things will always be perfect?

Tell yourself that you've done everything and every mishap is a disaster and a humiliation and you also aren't going to learn from the experiences you do have.

Embrace the fact that you're inexperienced and you are mentally putting yourself in a safe position to try things, not have it go perfectly every single time, and hence to gain useful experience.

Sex sucks wrote:

Don't get me wrong we both love all the other things but we just want to try sex and have been for a year and it's getting to much to handle.

When I suggested you concentrate on other types of sex besides intercourse I wasn't suggesting that you give up on intercourse entirely. Rather that if it hasn't gone well go back to other types of sex for a while and then try again.

Trying and failing is naturally going to have a discouraging effect which will in turn mean that if you just keep trying it's going nowhere.

Leaving intercourse for a bit and doing something else will get you back into the right state of mind (and state of arousal) for another attempt.

Sex sucks wrote:

I just feel I'm too young for viagra.

Whether or not viagra is suitable is less a matter of age and more a matter of physical condition. It doesn't sound like it would be what you need from what you've said.

Sex sucks wrote:

I wonder why I slipped out of her the other day.

Happens to us all.

Sex sucks wrote:

What is the best position?

Long term answer is a variety of different positions that you and your lover have found you both like.

Short term answer is that missionary is a pretty easy one to start with. You on your back with her straddling you is a relatively tricky one to get it in with, but could be worth experimenting with due to the way it puts more of the control over to her and she may be less affected by nervousness about the situation.

littlesurfer

I don't think anyone has mentioned this but its not out of the question that there is a medical reason for this....erectile dysfunction etc. If this is the case a trip to your gp could provide a solution.

I went out with a guy who had this problem, he used to say we were out of condoms when i knew there were plenty in his drawer just so he could avoid sex. We didn't stay together but it wasn't to do with that at all!

Talliesin

I'm inclined not to think of erectile dysfunction going on what the OP has said though.

littlesurfer

i don't know sounds about right to me but couldn't hurt to get it checked out

trilo

http://www.infosex.com/erectile-dysfunction.htm

Here's some info for the OP.
Personally from reading the post, it seems to be a lot to do woth nerves and insecurity etc.
Check out that link and further down you will see Nervous/Performance Anxiety

LegacyUser

To be honest I don't really feel it's a medical problem because I have no problems keeping an erection otherwise. I just feel a year is way too long for failure. I understood the first few times but it's going on too long now and I haven't heard of it happening to anyone else. It's like everything I do is wrong. I thought it would be easy but I'm finding it so difficult and it's getting me down so much

onemanband

I would suggest you go to a friendly GP and ask him to prescribe you a couple of Viagra. Nothing too strong. You'll stay as hard as a rock whether you like it or not. Get over your nerves and relax into it after one or two times then ditch the little blue guys and roll on!!