did my past sex-life ruin us?

purplekitty

since i told my boyfriend about my past he got really really upset and distant from me, in fact we havent spoke since i told him yesterday afternoon

have i ruined it for us?
i discovered he had more partners then me but i think he is just intimadated by my sexuality as i am more err... open then him.

what can i do to make him realise its all in the past?

Sleepy

Speaking purely from a personal perspective, I think the only times I've ever been put off by exe's sexual histories have been if I've found out they've done something with a past partner that they've been unprepared / too uncomfortable to do with me. It's partially an ego thing, far more so a personal insecurity thing (i.e. what did he have/do that I don't/can't etc.)

If the relationship is worth keeping, he'll get over it. You shouldn't have to apologise for anything you've done before you met him. If you're more 'open' than him, perhaps whatever it is you're open about is something you can introduce him to / explore with him?

One thing I would suggest is maybe to try something together that neither of you have done before (assuming it's something you're interested in and comfortable with). I've always found it to be a real bonding experience with partners.

Like I said in my opening line, I'm giving this advice based on my own mindset, your boyfriend could be completely different. But for what it's worth, that's my 2c.

miles teg

purplekitty wrote:

what can i do to make him realise its all in the past?

You shouldn't have to do anything. Be patient and let him have his sulk

LegacyUser

'

Sleepy wrote:

One thing I would suggest is maybe to try something together that neither of you have done before (assuming it's something you're interested in and comfortable with). I've always found it to be a real bonding experience with partners.

I have had this same problem in the past. To the extent where i haven't really told my new boyfriend of a month about my past things, he hasnt asked yet but im usre he will eventually. Its a problem to the extent that i dont have anything new to try, really thats not an exageration (hence the unregisterd status).'

Ruu_Old

He might just need a bit of space to think, let him know you are ready to talk more when he is ready.

milod

OP, if he can't handle it, he's a tw*t. Seriously, there seem to be too many threads on this forum concerning medieval attitudes to women's sexuality. You have a right to sleep with whomever you want.

Some guys out there seem to think they can colonise your sexual past, as if they have an automatic right to judge intimate relations you may have had with people they've never met. And too many women subscribe to that idea and support it.

Next time a guy asks you about your past, tell him to grow up and shut up ('cos I'm guessing you were answering a question here - you didn't just bring up the subject!).

dvega

Unfortunetly we still live in an age where if a man sleeps with 5 women in a week he's macho and if a girl does the same she's a slut!

So what if your more 'open' i know i'd pefer my women to be more open very rare these days if you ask me.

And have you ever thought maybe its not you thats more open maybe its him thats more shy...

is_that_so

There may inadequacy issues. Not everyone is keen on exploring sexuality. Quantity does not equal quality. Although from your post it is not clear what it was that made him go off. If it is an inferiority problem then you need to talk your way through it. Do only "what both are comfortable with" as they say. Otherwise there are plenty of posts above to tell you what to do with him.

So the point you are trying to make is that you are bi?It probably in the back of his mind that you will always want a female body,something he can't provide.

Miss Fluff

purplekitty wrote:

what can i do to make him realise its all in the past?

By not discussing it. Why do people feel the compulsion to talk to their partner about PAST exploits?:rolleyes: This problem wouldn't have arisen if you'd kept your mouth shut. I think most men would like to (albeit subconsciously) like to think that a woman's sexual prowess comes from sheer talent and not practice. If a man ever questions a woman's past she should be non-comittal whether she has slept with one or one hundred people, it's none of his business.

Beruthiel

Miss Fluff wrote:

By not discussing it. Why do people feel the compulsion to talk to their partner about PAST exploits?:rolleyes: This problem wouldn't have arisen if you'd kept your mouth.

Couldn't agree more. What you do with previous partners in the past is your own business, why you would feel the need to discuss it is beyond me. It's nobodies business but your own.

Drift

I know it sounds insecure but if I had a gf that avoided talking about her sexual history with me I'd get paranoid. I'd be worried that I wasn't good enough or she didn't consider me trustworthy enough. (I mean this in the context of a long term gf, not just a few months ....... more like years)

I understand to a certain extent how the OPs bf is behaving. It's wrong, but I do understand it. Give him time, if he's a decent guy he'll realise that it doesn't matter what you did in the past that right now he's the only one you want to do things with. Also like another poster said, maybe try to do something with him that neither of you did before - it might make him feel more special.

Beruthiel

Drift wrote:

I know it sounds insecure but if I had a gf that avoided talking about her sexual history with me I'd get paranoid. I'd be worried that I wasn't good enough or she didn't consider me trustworthy enough. (I mean this in the context of a long term gf, not just a few months ....... more like years)

Well that's just your insecurities coming through. I certainly don't see how you could be paranoid unless you have some rather large self esteem issues.

Rb

Yeah, you may have ruined it tbh. Don't be entirely surprised if he comes back and tells you its over.
But sure hey, its his problem if he has a hang up over it and its not as though you could see it coming. If its meant to be its meant to be, maybe he'll get over it in his own time or maybe he'll go find someone new. Theres no telling as of yet but again, don't be surprised if he wants out.

EDIT: I may have read into this wrong (from just reading/posting in another thread). If its a case that you're bi and some of your previous partners have been female, then he may well just be taken back by it. He'll probably come around though, if that is indeed the case, as I can't see a reason why he wouldn't.

littlesurfer

don't worry about it,..he probably was just taken aback, he'll get over it, he can't not really, seeing as he has had more partners than you.

Just remember in the future that he's not gone on detail!

The_B_Man

i;d say he jsut thought u had slept wit less fellas than u have. hes obviosuly shocked that ur not the innocent little angel he fell for. can be a shockin thing for a fella. seriously like.

Drift

Beruthiel wrote:

Well that's just your insecurities coming through. I certainly don't see how you could be paranoid unless you have some rather large self esteem issues.

Paranoid was possibly too extreme a choice of words. But I don't think I'm alone in that if a long term gf said she didn't want to talk about her previous sexual experiences I'd be a bit worried (better than paranoid I think ). I know I wouldn't hide things on her so why would she hide stuff on me. Its a trust thing with me although I take your point about self esteem issues and there's no doubt that part of it would be the feeling that I didn't measure up to previous men.

Anyway I don't want to hijack the OPs post just saying how I'd feel in a similar situation to the OPs bf. BUT the important thing is that if she told me something that shocked me I'd get over it if I really cared for her and if her bf really cares for her he'll get over it to.

Motley Crue

purplekitty wrote:

?

You have to give him time, let him come to terms with it in his own way at his own pace

Trinity

Ah the dreaded past comes back to haunt us all

If he cant accept it there is nothing you can do. Speaking from personal experience i have always been very open and honest and the truth is it doesnt help.

I used to also ask questions about their past and never really liked the answers. Then it would eat away at me so i stopped asking!

I also read somewhere that you should never tell your magic number. Its not being dishonest. Its the past and thats where it belongs. Unless there are health implications then they really dont need to know.

I havent been asked yet in my current relationship and if and when i am i will not be telling and i wont be asking him. It achieves nothing, does not add anything to the relationship and can often actually be the cause of its demise.

He needs to grow up. Give him time but do not apologise for your past. Tell him he asked, he was told and he needs to accept it. You cannot undo your past nor untell him now!!

Its really up to him.

Black Swan

He's told you of his multiple partners, and now that you have told him of yours, he cannot handle it? There is something missing in your relationship, and it was missing before you told him about your past.

Give him space. If he loves you, he will get over his problem (and it is his problem and not yours). If not, then perhaps it's time to move on?

LegacyUser

'I think it can be good for people to share sexual histories. Personally, I'd never be completely comfortable that I trusted, and was trusted, in a relationship if I felt like that sort of stuff was taboo. But that's just me.

I doubt this is an issue of sexism or anything like that tbh. When you're getting to know someone there's always things that can sort of knock your idea of them. Obviously your boyfriend had under-estimated the extent of your past sexual experience, so he's a little thrown. A lot of people feel more confident with inexperienced partners. Give him time to think about it. Answer any questions he has, and without being too aggressive, maybe try to help him understand that you only told him about it because it's all in the past. At the end of the day, if the attraction is strong enough on his part, he'll get used to it. If he doesn't, then I guess that's just the way it's going to work out. Either way, I don't think you did anything wrong. You are you, and the sooner he knows you, the sooner you can get on with it (one way or another).'

the_syco

Don't worry about it. Half of the guys have some weird fantasy that they would be her first, and that before him, she was a virgin The other half want a woman with some experience:cool:

As for being "more err... open then him", fair balls. Not many people would admit to it.

There's also a chance he's somehow intimidated about the way that his gf has been with other women (apologies if I've read that wrongly).

The_B_Man

also, i wonder did he lie bout the amount of women he was wit?

Talliesin

I think there's so many different reasons why someone may have issues about this depending upon just what was disclosed and a lot of things about how he feels about things that people really don't have enough to go on here.

Macker

purplekitty wrote:

since i told my boyfriend about my past he got really really upset and distant from me, in fact we havent spoke since i told him yesterday afternoon

have i ruined it for us?
i discovered he had more partners then me but i think he is just intimadated by my sexuality as i am more err... open then him.

what can i do to make him realise its all in the past?

Have you tried to contact him , maybe he's thinking the same

Marksie

Beruthiel wrote:

Couldn't agree more. What you do with previous partners in the past is your own business, why you would feel the need to discuss it is beyond me. It's nobodies business but your own.

Actually beruthiel, part of the processes that i am involved with talk about openess and honesty throughout.

The couple involved involve themselves in a basic honouring ceremony then proceed with one talking for 5 minutes about their best and worst experiences without the other saying anything, gettng upset. Then vice versa.
At the end you finish with the same honouring ceremony. If someone is uncomfortable with what has been brought up as is the case with the OP B/friend, then they are given time to assimilate the facts and accept that what has been said is part of a couple growing closer and opening to each other.
These processes can be repeated several times.

If a partner is open to me like that i find it promotes a greater degree of intimacy and understanding.

I think that the OP b/friend will have to be the one to reexamine why he feels like that.
But OP as said above..he may just need time to adjust. If he wants to talk further, then let him, but at some point you may just have to ask if it is an issue. After all it is the PAST and should not come between the present or the future. It cannot be changed, nor should it..as it will have shaped to some extent who you are OP... and presumably that is the person whom your b.friend loves and cares about.

My intuition on the limited information suggests that he would have probably been ok to be seen as a bit of a lad, but took an ego knock when as you say, you were found to be more open... he may adjust.. but at some point you will have to talk through it again... still we cannot make assumptions

g-punkteffekt

This really shows your "man" up to be seriously insecure and paranoid and I'm sure this will eventually show up in other forms in due course.
I'm speaking from experience here. With my first girlfriend, I used to get jealous of previous boyfriends and would torcher myself thinking about sex she's had and who she's slept with and so forth. It ended up with me becoming a particularly nasty c*nt towards her and I never trusted her or was entirely comfortable due to my own pathetic insecurities.
However - at least my experience led to change because I reckon my current girlfriend has been quite around the block from some things I've picked up, and by the fact she's told me she cheated on all but one of her previous boyfriends MANY times!! The funny thing is, I have absolutely NO interest on who she's been with, how many she's slept with, who's she's cheated on, as long as she's true to me, and I believe she will be, otherwise she'd never have told me of previous infidelities. I couldn't care less if she's slept with 1000s of blokes and I'll never know and don't care if I ever do!
Women should steer clear of men who are not cool with this, trust me.