help me help my g/f

LegacyUser

Some of you may recognise the style of writing from a text before, but that is irrelevant now as its sorted. The problem now is about parenting. My girlfriend for 5 years is looking after her brother and sister. She is 24, he is 12 and the younger sister is 18. The sister is expecting her first child soon. I know they don't read these threads but I'm using slightly different ages and such to protect their and/or my identity. Its hard for my girlfriend. She isn't getting much of a break. We are at the stage where we ourselves are looking into houses. Just looking! The problem lays not in the fact that the younger sister is having a child but that the 12 year old boy is having tough time. He is moving around too much, by that I mean that when comes to a problem area he caves. His mother died last year with cancer. He's father is a recovering alcoholic who only thinks about himself really.
Its hard to explain properly; but the father is there for them in a different house about 5 mile away. He takes the 2 kids some times... when it suits him. My g/f understands the father and wants nothing to do with him, but is ok with the father looking after the other 2 every now and again. The 12 year old has started secondary school this year. He really is a nice kid but has fallen between 2 rocks. He won't get up for school in the morning for the g/f. The sister isn't much help at the moment in this department. He is as of late regurarly sick, probably legitimately a good bit of the time. He does not like school and is doing extremely poorly in languages but seems to be holding his own and excelling in some subjects. He likes sport but I've seen him get bigger... slighly overweight, in my opinion. He is not doing any sport at the moment and has recenly quit hurling as he missed too many practices after school. I know I'm rambling a bit, but I feel I have to include the details about his life. I go over to the g/f's house regurarly and bring a board game or buzz or something else where the 4 of us can interact. He loves doing that but then other times he seems depressed. this weekend for example I had a family do; away from home and the g/f was invited. I brought her along, we had the best time. she only stayed away for one night and the boy was onto his father crying about (stuff, that I'm not informed of yet). The father is a meadling type of man and wants the son back, which would be ok if he could look after him, but he is incapable.
Do forgive me for my poorly constructed passage but I'm at work and its difficult. I guess to summarise; I'm looking to offer my g/f options/methods/help ...

greenkittie

You defiantly need to sort her brother out now before anything goes wrong. He's at such a delicate stage in his development. I think the playing games etc thing is a good start (i have a brother of this age and he loves that kind of thing). You should maybe encourage him to take up an activity or join some sort of club. Things to keep him occupied, and of course he's going to need alot of attention. Its going to be a strain on both of your lives but necessary so that he continues to be a nice kid.

LegacyUser

yeah, I guess I could spend more time with him doing activities. I'm not the dad here. To be honest its his job. Its tough on the g/f she tries to spend quality time with me and with them. It has become a strain on the relationship. I don't finish work till 6, then its normally home, but after that I sometimes dread going to the g/f's house where I can spend no quality time with her. When we do get some time to ourselves our relationship flurishes.
At about 8pm I'm ready to head to her house normally but its pitch dark and no activities are availible to us. I have to say I'm really concerned about the boys mental and physical health, its not bad now but its becoming slowly worse.
I'm going to meet the g/f for lunch now and again at 6pm for our run. We have a lot to discuss, but I hate giving her wrong advice, it may seem right to me but sometimes it doubles back on me. Like yesterday when I talked to the boy after my g/f told me about his sick leave again on thurs/fri about what he liked at school and trying to encourage him to get re-involved with hurling, or perhaps pick up rugby after school; then this morning the g/f tells me that her sister didn't like my g/f telling me all of their stuff.. cutting this short, I'm meeting her now.

Sp@rtacus

Hi OP, thats a rough situation for all, but most especially for a little chap who, at just 12, has not only lost his Mum but has no stable, secure relationship with his father. Very tough.

Went through a similar situation a few years ago and I would strongly suggest getting him into a counselling program with Barnardos in Christchurch.
BARNARDOS NATIONAL OFFICE
Christchurch Square
Dublin 8.
T: (01) 453 0355 Callsave: 1850 222 300
F: (01) 453 0300
E: info@barnardos.ie

They are fantastic with helping young kids through a bereavement process and helping them make sense of the changing/new dynamic that they find themselves in after the death of a parent.

You are definitely right to encourage him to reassert himself to his hurling, or any sport/activity that can give him a healthy outlet and release, as well as giving him some excercise. Maybe your gf could speak to you his teacher(s). They will be aware of the scenario, mindful of the pressure on the little lad, and surely only too happy to help out..? Anyway, Barnardos will be extremely useful (and also a great sounding board for your gf to help her come to terms with being the new paretn figure) so maybe start with them.

Ps I wouldnt worry so much about giving your gf "bad" advice; you are clearly a very decent guy and I am sure she is very happy to have you by her side through all of this. You being there to act as a sounding board/make some suggestions (which dont have to be cast-iron correct - how should YOU know any better than her?) will be a great source of strength and support to her. I know it cant be much fun for you at the moment, you're right that you are not his Dad and you shouldnt try/be asked to be. However, I personally think its very noble of you to care so much. Also dont forget that, handled right (ie get professional help), the issue is transient and things will improve, and when they do, you will be able to get much more time (alone..?!) with your gf and you'll have a far stronger relationship too. Fair play to you and best of luck.

Black Swan

Councelling for the 12 year old boy may be useful at this stage in his life, especially with the loss of his Mam and his drinking Da? A regular sporting interest could also help? When I was younger and troubled, I got into martial arts, and have stayed with it since. A master instructor took a special interest in me and encouraged me to perform. It worked. Was also good for physical fitness and to relieve stress.

Motley Crue

Getting involved in writing can be theraputic. If he can learn to write his feelings down, and vent them from his system through this medium (obviously alone and without thinking people will constantly be looking over his shoulder) then over time it can both improve his writing skills and he may develop a love of english which could possibily in turn help his own grades.

It seems a little simple, but just reading and creative writing and also writing down on paper how he feels can simply help him understand whats going on in his own head and help him absorb it better. Its something you should never have to go through, but the death of a mother is uncurable, and you should focus on easing the pain rather then eradicating it.

As for the father, I would try and find out if you can contact Social Services, they may be able to keep an eye on him and judge his dependability. He is obviously recovering from his own demons, and extra help in the form of a knock on the door every week from Welfare Officer, may help him keep in line with standards around his own home, and make life good for his children and possibily grandchildren.