Romantic phase...over?

LegacyUser

Romantic phase over?

I just had this weight on my mind recently so i thought I'd come here for help..

I'm a guy in my mid-twenties, and I've never been in a long-term relationship before, and now I've been going out with a great girl for around 6 months. But in many ways this is new territory so there are some things that I find hard to deal with.

The first few months were amazing, really romantic. We are both quite different people and this seemed to make our relationship very fresh. We also had lots of mad nights out, and our relationship was highly sexually charged.

In the last couple of months though, after things have settled down a bit, I've noticed little things that make me feel somehow distanced from her at times. We have a very different sense of humour (she totally doesn't get the new Borat movie, while it's my faveourtie ever, etc. and she's more into friends), we have very different hobbies (I'm a musician/actor and she would be more on the "left brain" side of things), I'm very spiritual, she isn't... These differences seemed so exciting in the beginning, but now sometimes I have fears that they may bring us further apart in the future/long-term. Sometimes these doubts eat away at me, but then we have another sexually charged escapade and If orget all about my doubts, and we tell each other "I love you" many times, and yes, I do love her. I am more passionate about her than any woman I've ever met, and nobody can turn me on like she does...

If i even brought this up with her,my doubts, I know she would get very upset and probably cry.. she is emotional and is absolutely crazy about me. She has told me I'm "the only one", and that there will never be another man for her. I told her this too, because at the time I was feeling great love for her. But then when I come away from all the passion, I start wondering... maybe a little too much?

I'm just basically asking if the relationship between a man and a woman is like this in general? Should there be this little distance, this meeting of opposites? Is it ok for the relationship to rely so much on sexual chemistry (which we have in buckets), or should there be something more? Could something more develop over the years?

I also have fears that I'd never meet another girl who I'd be so passionate about. And I'm afraid of being along ever again (at 25, I had enevr had a proper relationship).

Really and truly, a lot of this is new to me and I don't know where exactly my head is at the minute or why I'm ever writing this. I just feel a bit of a lump in my throat for some reason... and I don't want to end up trying to "change" her to suit me, or my character because that just isn't right.

Keano

Just hang in there. Opposites do attract. And as time goes on you will start to change and so will she. In change I mean that ye will start finding things ye both like doing etc...

Beruthiel

RealLife wrote:

These differences seemed so exciting in the beginning, but now sometimes I have fears that they may bring us further apart in the future/long-term.

How boring it would be if she was exactly like you, how would she be interesting and fresh? You comment on the differences, what do you do together that you both like?

Should there be this little distance, this meeting of opposites?

In the immortal words of Khalil Gibran:

Give your hearts, but not into each others' keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together yet not to near together:

For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

I don't want to end up trying to "change" her to suit me, or my character because that just isn't right.

You're right there, it's not right and it will never work as she would only learn to resent you and the relationship will end. You are with someone because you love them for who they are, not what they 'might' become.

As the french say, Vive La Difference.

claire-g

Id say give it some more time.........enjoy the sexual chemistry, relax and see what happens! If in time you still have these concerns then talk to your girlfriend about it and see what she thinks, you cant know what'll happen in the future, try and enjoy the here and now and it sounds like a bit of fun for both of you right now. Relationships have a habit of being forced beyond this fun 'honeymoon' phase.....but make it last as long as you can.

LegacyUser

'Ruthie- opposites attract to a certain degree, but what happens when two people are that different that they just dont "get" what the other is into? I know where the OP is coming from. Musicians are quite a different breed to non musicians as are spiritual people. If someone is actually dis interested in music/spirituality/<insert other things> I think you wind up with less to talk about than like minded people do.

The OP could have written the post that I was considering for me. Just when does being diametric opposites actually detract rather than attract? I am wondering if I am going to develop "wow" feelings about someone or whether I should have them from the onset. My gut tells me- "d'ya know, you should really go wow from the onset" but I am ignoring it for some reason.

OP- you're still a baby. Stress not re future relationships and the availability of same.'

Talliesin

The differences you talk about could well be what leads to the two of you splitting up at some point down the line.

It could also happen that something else will lead to the two of you splitting up.

This is pretty much true for every couple in the world though. There's no point in looking for issues that aren't there yet.

Now, if you're beginning to find that you can relate to her at all outside of the bedroom then that may be something you need to look at, but hell if they were a carbon copy of you that'd be pretty darn boring, wouldn't it?

Okay, so the romantic phase is over and you're beginning to not have a 2-day bonking session every weekend and not put off just about everything you can put off to spend more time with her. That'll happen when you stop being just lovers and become part of each others' lives and yes, in a lot of ways it isn't as exciting as the initial period. Still, in other ways its more exciting and much more fulfilling to actually share your life with your lover.

I don't believe in "the one". I also believe that if you truly can't see the two of you building a life together then that's going to take more than telling each other "there will never be another wo/man for me" to fix. Relationships are't fixed by slogans.
Still, there's nothing you've said so far that seems to rule out the two of you continuing to be happy together.

Beruthiel

Bleurggggghhh47 wrote:

'Ruthie- opposites attract to a certain degree, but what happens when two people are that different that they just dont "get" what the other is into?

Again, it all depends on the people involved, just because you are not into the same thing as your partner, does not mean you cannot understand that everyone is different and just because it's not my thing doesn't mean it can't be his. There should be space to do your own thing in any relationship for it to work. It's all about balance.
Of course, if the two people come from different planets altogether, that's a different story. I don't think any of us can decide for a couple on something like this. Some can handle it and like the way things are, others might just not be interested.
I believe the OP is the only one who can decide what it is he wants. And it should not be about settling because he fears he can do no better.

I am wondering if I am going to develop "wow" feelings about someone or whether I should have them from the onset. My gut tells me- "d'ya know, you should really go wow from the onset"

I would also be of the opinion that in the beginning of any relationship there should be some sort of "wow" factor going on, I'm not sure why you'd bother otherwise.

LegacyUser

'

Beruthiel wrote:

Of course, if the two people come from different planets altogether, that's a different story.

This is more of where I was coming from, both in the OP's and my own case. I wasnt suggesting that they be carbon copies of eachother, but having some shared interests does help a lot. Some peoples personalities are just way too opposite to work as well.

Beruthiel wrote:

I would also be of the opinion that in the beginning of any relationship there should be some sort of "wow" factor going on, I'm not sure why you'd bother otherwise.

I hear you loud and clear.'

Talliesin

You could say that when the "wow" happens is the onset. In cases where a couple started as just friends or just occasional lovers and move into being partners from that starting point there tends to still be a "wow" point somewhere along the line.

Marksie

RealLife wrote:

.
If i even brought this up with her,my doubts, I know she would get very upset and probably cry.. she is emotional and is absolutely crazy about me. She has told me I'm "the only one", and that there will never be another man for her. I told her this too, because at the time I was feeling great love for her. But then when I come away from all the passion, I start wondering... maybe a little too much?

Maybe you should work on communication and reaffrimation. There is obviously a connectedness there in the first place.. chemistry..raging serotonin levels, whichever way you want to put it.
Has your G/friend ever objected to your differences? or is she just accepting of them as being part of who you are..that made up you?
Part of a relationship is to accept the difference as Beruthiel put it vive la difference.
How boring the world would be if everyone dated little clones of themselves.. there is so much to learn about the other..and about yourself.

Yes.. any relationship can be plagued with doubts like yours at the beginning..there is no surety in life about anything. It may continue forever or it may end. No-one knows
But people change with time.... Posters have had issues here with being stuck in a rut by being too alike.. and the advice is to change find new activities. Or are in each others pocket..in which case take time for each other..pursuing ones own interests they have even found that the person has "changed" from the one they met..when they were so alike...

Its life people change..no one is wrapped unchanging in cotton wool.

One way of looking at this is that you are different and yet do connect.. you have your own interests. It may enhance your similarites and also by celebrating....and sharing in each others differences may make you both more flexible when things do change.
So stop over analysing . Or at least talk openly and lightly with her about what she thinks about your "differences" you may be pleasantly suprised

craichoe

Jesus .. I don't know about ye but i need someone that disagrees with me every so often

I'm seeing a girl at the moment, we have amazing sex but she agree with everything i say ! Gaahh .. why won't she hit back in a conversation sometimes !

Shes into totally different stuff too,

SHOE shopping .. HOW CAN YOU GET PLEASURE FROM SHOPPING FOR SHOES !

LegacyUser

Sorry guys but I *have* to go un-reg'ed for this...

One question, which will determine if it's true love;

If you have itchy balls and you start to scratch, does she interrupt and offer to scratch them for you? That's my definition of true love, and i'm glad i've found true love!

This is NOT a troll, I won't fart infront of my GF, but the above is 100% true, we're together for a little over 2 years now

Victor

itchy_cojones wrote:

One question, which will determine if it's true love; If you have itchy balls and you start to scratch, does she interrupt and offer to scratch them for you? That's my definition of true love, and i'm glad i've found true love!

I suggest you see the new Bond movie then.

marcsignal

Fair play to you for seeking advice on this, it's not easy to admit to feeling this way.

You sound like a sound and lucky bloke, just chill and go with the flow, if you think about things too much your girlfriend will detect that something's bothering you, women can run rings around guys in that sense (but you know that already) which might lead to an unesseccary arguement if she wants you to explain what's up, and you feel you can't.

I totally understand the thoughts you sometimes have running through your head over this, it's natural to feel a little anxious about where it all might or might not be leading.

It sounds like it's been going well up to now though, so if it's not broken don't fix it

Talliesin wrote:

This is pretty much true for every couple in the world though. There's no point in looking for issues that aren't there yet.

so true, you're not alone anyways, could be worse, you could be single eh ? chin up

Black Swan

It's almost as if you are looking for reasons to break up? Chill out and go with the flow. Sure there are differences between every human being on this planet. We are all unique. Maybe the differences you are concerned about will break you up, maybe they will enrichen your lives to where the two become more than either one? Only time will tell. In your case, I think patience can be a virtue.

Kell

marcsignal wrote:

could be worse, you could be single eh ?

Jeebus- you make it sound like a disease! A license for no strings fúcking, company when and where you want it, no responsibility- and thats a bad thing? Pfft.

K-

marcsignal

Kell wrote:

Jeebus- you make it sound like a disease! A license for no strings fúcking, company when and where you want it, no responsibility- and thats a bad thing? Pfft.

K-

Aw no , I didn't mean it like that, but you're dead right on the no strings point for sure;) , it's just that it sounds as if the OP has a good thing going, and that he's really into his other half.
Though you gotta admit it can feel like a disease sometimes, if you're single for a long period and keep striking out for whatever reason.
With a woman now who's divorced with 2 kids and I never thought I could be so happy, but there was a period about 5 years ago when nothing was working, *****ng nightmare, at the time I'd have settled for getting some girl into a CHAIR, never mind a bed

purplekitty

dont string her along if your having doubts... just be honest with her cause you'll probably just end up hurting her more if you keep this going.

think about it for awhile and if your not feeling this girl the way she's feeling you then just let her go.
yeah she might get upset and cry and be "devestated" buts its better to do it sooner then later.
and if you do decided that you didnt wanna be with her the just leave her alone... dont be ringing or texting her.
good...
clean...
cut...
off...!
cause this girl just sounds like a smitten kitten, who is willing to take all your **** and deal with it

Zirconia

RealLife wrote:

I also have fears that I'd never meet another girl who I'd be so passionate about. And I'm afraid of being along ever again (at 25, I had enevr had a proper relationship).

I hope this isn't the reason you are maintaining the relationship? If that were the case then this would be entirely wrong, and you will both end up hurt badly in the end. You sound like you might have a problem with your self-esteem and insecurity, and you should really deal with this first.

LegacyUser

'Thanks for all the helpful responses guys. Some very good thoughts there.

Patience is definitely going to be a virtue. It's just these feeligs I have, they've been cropping up more and more in the past 2 months. And it's not fear, it's not worry, it's not unhappiness, it's ust something else that I can't explain. Slightly painful but perhaps part of this journey...

Sometimes it's as if I'm slowly starting to realise that we're both in *very* different places, mentally and spiritually. I've done lots of spiritual development stuff, while she is not really into this side of life. As a result, sometimes I see her creating so much misery for herself in life, worrying about things etc. and this is stuff I've left behind long ago. Life's too short.

It's not her fault, she's a normal human being. But ... it's really, really hard for me sometimes to accept all the negative thinking I see her going through. It's really, really hard for me to go back there, because I have left that place of anxiety/worry/misery, and I don't ever want anyone to bring me back there.

In the past few years I have become very non-attached to things in life. I've become ultra-happy. Living a happier life than I ever thought was possible (without any long term relationships). But she is ultra-attached to the things in life (jobs, peoples perceptions, plans, etc.), and this makes it really difficult for me sometimes...

I hope we can work it out. I think I will have a chat to her this weekend about all this. Even just to say that I sometimes feel we're in different worlds, and I'm hoping we can come together somehow, rather than drift further apart.'

Marksie

RealLife wrote:

Sometimes it's as if I'm slowly starting to realise that we're both in *very* different places, mentally and spiritually. I've done lots of spiritual development stuff, while she is not really into this side of life. As a result, sometimes I see her creating so much misery for herself in life, worrying about things etc. and this is stuff I've left behind long ago. Life's too short.

I am in a similar positions as those i love often are not in the same place as me. It comes down to accepting the person for who they are and where they are now.
How i use what i have learned is not as a difference between us , but as a means of bridging a gap that could so easily occur. In bringing them closer.
It could be something as simple as taking in board their worries..saying just for an evening.. lie back breath, forget for tonight what you are worrying about... here and now this is what i am here for. and just imparting some of what i have learned to them, not expeting them to embrace it.its unconditional. But just lie back and giving them a chakra massage and letting them drift and unwind. It is not big things that result in major changes, but small things over time.
but by using what youo know..even if they dont "get" where you are coming from.. will help the both of you

LegacyUser

'Thanks for the nice reply Marc. Very thoughtful.

I think the fact that I live a good bit away from my gf doesn't help... sometimes it's difficult, and any doubts you have get enlarged cos you're just on your own during the week, and wondering if it's all worth while.

But at the weekends I usually really enjoy being with my girl. I just have to play it by ear with this one...

So basically, you guys (in general) are saying, it's ok to have doubts. And that being very different people is not a big deal?'

LegacyUser

'

RealLife wrote:

'Thanks for all the helpful responses guys. Some very good thoughts there.

Patience is definitely going to be a virtue. It's just these feeligs I have, they've been cropping up more and more in the past 2 months. And it's not fear, it's not worry, it's not unhappiness, it's ust something else that I can't explain. Slightly painful but perhaps part of this journey...

Sometimes it's as if I'm slowly starting to realise that we're both in *very* different places, mentally and spiritually. I've done lots of spiritual development stuff, while she is not really into this side of life. As a result, sometimes I see her creating so much misery for herself in life, worrying about things etc. and this is stuff I've left behind long ago. Life's too short.

It's not her fault, she's a normal human being. But ... it's really, really hard for me sometimes to accept all the negative thinking I see her going through. It's really, really hard for me to go back there, because I have left that place of anxiety/worry/misery, and I don't ever want anyone to bring me back there.

In the past few years I have become very non-attached to things in life. I've become ultra-happy. Living a happier life than I ever thought was possible (without any long term relationships). But she is ultra-attached to the things in life (jobs, peoples perceptions, plans, etc.), and this makes it really difficult for me sometimes...

I hope we can work it out. I think I will have a chat to her this weekend about all this. Even just to say that I sometimes feel we're in different worlds, and I'm hoping we can come together somehow, rather than drift further apart.'

i can identify with this 100%. my advise to u is to pick her up and put her on your shoulders and carry her through life and teach her slowly and she will with time explore the deaper chasams of life with u'

LegacyUser

'Thank you Ishindar, they are really positive thoughts... and very nicely put.

I had a chat to her over the weekend about my feelings of "distance" and that we're both in different places. But I let her know that I still love her and that it's something that I can deal with, and won't affect the relationship really... well, at least that I'll do my best not to let it. Even if it's hard.

She had a few tears when she heard that I had these thoughts, but in the end she was glad I told her rather than keeping it quiet. Now she knows where I'm coming from better and that brings us a little closer I think.'

CathyMoran

You are moving from the initial crush into a real relationship where you are exploring your true hopes and fears together - well done and all the best. The two of you sound like a very cute couple by the way.

seamus

Sounds a bit like my relationship, except without the "uncertainty".

I'm in I.T. Computers *are* my main hobby, I watch crap on TV like Stargate, I can't stand reality TV or soaps. I am musical, but I wouldn't call myself particularly right-brained. I prefer rock and metal, and can't stand boy bands and other manufactured crap. My girlfriend's an actor and singer. She hates computers and sci-fi. She loves soaps, reality TV, and anything that's fluffy, cute and pink. She's about as left-brained as I am right-brained. She likes old-style, victorian decor, and I like ultra-modern layouts.

I'd much rather go out with my friends than her friends, (although that's not to say I dislike them), and my idea of a night out with my mates is a million miles away from her idea of a night out with her mates. So if either of us are going out with friends, the other tends not to join them.

It's seven years later and I'm still f*cking crazy about her, so there's no reason why your differences have to be a hindrance. If I want to talk nerd, I have boards and my brothers. If I want to talk guy stuff, listen to good music and fart in public, I have my mates.

LegacyUser

'Thanks guys. And that was really interesting Seamus.. yes, maybe it's best to have someone who you spark off, rather than someone who is a "good mate"!! Perhaps I'm just new to the whole thing and part of me thinks a lover should be a good mate who you can play fart games with as well, but it's not necessary!!'