Codependency repeating itself?

LegacyUser

Hi everyone. I suffer from the same problems as my father. I find myself to be naturally selfish, and crave attention. My father has been waited on hand and foot for as long as I can remember by my mother who is a saint. Its laughable sometimes. She is his enabler.
My girlfriend and I seem to be happy together, although I always find myself wanting more and more from her and feeling ultimately disappointed by the person she is not. She gives me loads of attention and I always call the shots, basically I say what goes in the relationship.I think she loves me more than I love her, or maybe she is just as desperate as me to have someone to cling to night and day. I have a gut feeling that this relationship is wrong on alot of levels, and feel that she is going to end up like my mother. I dont think I can change my ways in this relationship. Maybe I need to find someone who I respect more and fear losing. Only then will I sharpen up my act? I am comfortable with my girlfriend as she is very loyal and as I said gives me all of her time, but I think all of it might be unfair.

Kell

sleepforever122 wrote:

I have a gut feeling that this relationship is wrong on alot of levels,

Then why are you still in it?

A few things-

Is this your first relationship
How old are you
When was the last time you were single

My old man is as you described. So too are most of my family. I had to train myself not to be like them. If you find yourself about to do something that mimicks what your dad does, do the opposite or dont do/say anything at all.

The fact that you have recognised you are becoming a miniature version of something you dont like is a start. Do some more self examination and figure out how to make yourself less like something you dont like and more into something you do like.

K-

LegacyUser

Thanks for the reply. I'm 28, this is my first real relationship, and I'm seeing her a year and a half. We've built up so much now and I think I'm inlove with her, but I am a bit like yeats and maud gonne in that I build her up to be everything in my head when I'm not with her. I dont know. Truly theres no answer to love but you must pay attention when some things stick out as not fitting right. Such as? Me not wanting to know any of her friends. Me using her for company and sex. Me not getting anything out of conversation with her.The two of us have developed our own mess language that we talk in non stop, whether out of boredom in eachothers company or trying to make it work or trying to avoid the obvious? Theres an age gap of 5 years by the way which might explain why I dont really listen to her.

greenkittie

sleepforever122 wrote:

Me not wanting to know any of her friends. Me using her for company and sex. Me not getting anything out of conversation with her.The two of us have developed our own mess language that we talk in non stop

These things and everything you have said sounds like me and my ex. The only advice i can give to you is to try and break the habits, we never managed it and it broke us.

Beetlebum

Well at least you've acknowledged how selfish you are. That's an accurate self assessment, you are selfish. I'm not really sure why you posted here or what kind of replies you were hoping to get. Are you looking for people to tell you to break up with your girlfriend (or should I say your convenient sex puppet). You say you think your in love with her, moments later you say you use her for sex and company. You're not in love with her. You come across as arrogant, self-centered and disrespectful. You also seem quite unhappy. A year and a half is a long time to be with someone and still be unsure of your feelings for them. Some people are too selfish for love.

Kell

sleepforever122 wrote:

Theres an age gap of 5 years by the way which might explain why I dont really listen to her.

Presumably she is five years younger? A mate had a younger girlfriend and he too didnt listen to a word out of her mouth. He still regrets it.

Maybe start treating your mates the way you treat your GF and see if they let you away with it for long. No one here can "train" you to like people for who they are and get something from them being "them". You gotta do that.

I dont know if you can fix your immediate problem with your selfishness by being around someone who lets you treat them like a doormat. As you said, she could be just as needy as you so you feed off eachothers nonsense which perpetuates the discontent. Might be a better idea to move on for a while and start shaping yourself as you want to be. I dont think you can do it around someone like your GF TBH.

K-

LegacyUser

'

sleepforever122 wrote:

Hi everyone. I suffer from the same problems as my father. I find myself to be naturally selfish, and crave attention. My father has been waited on hand and foot for as long as I can remember by my mother who is a saint. Its laughable sometimes. She is his enabler.
My girlfriend and I seem to be happy together, although I always find myself wanting more and more from her and feeling ultimately disappointed by the person she is not. She gives me loads of attention and I always call the shots, basically I say what goes in the relationship.I think she loves me more than I love her, or maybe she is just as desperate as me to have someone to cling to night and day. I have a gut feeling that this relationship is wrong on a lot of levels, and feel that she is going to end up like my mother. I dont think I can change my ways in this relationship. Maybe I need to find someone who I respect more and fear losing. Only then will I sharpen up my act? I am comfortable with my girlfriend as she is very loyal and as I said gives me all of her time, but I think all of it might be unfair.

She probably doesn't love you more than you love her, thats the egocentric coming out in text format.

If you look at her back round, unless she comes from a similar one to you there is a good chance she is unhappy with you, but keeping mum for the sake of peace.

If she is that unselfish, she will possibly walk away from the relationship, only being 23, she still has a lot to learn, and her attitude will change about what she wants, as many women's does in their 20's.

Someone as selfish as you have admitted, won't get the fear of loss until the relationship ends, purely because by nature you are so much more concerned with yourself than the person you are with. So I doubt that is going to happen.

Respect is something that you build with someone, this includes giving them a chance to earn it. If you are not listening to her, you are are denying her that.

Nothing is going to sharpen up your act except a change of attitude.
In my opinion I think that you might find that if you change relationships the same thing will happen again, because you will still think that no one is more important than you or your opinion?

Do you listen to your friends? Family? Or are you perhaps the type of individual who always thinks their decision and opinion is the right one?

Thats not to say you will stay with her, or for that matter she will stay with you. Perhaps she isn't actually that interesting? In which case I haven't a clue why comfort is a reason to stay with someone.

Try a little experiment. Allow her to "call the shots" for two weeks. Observe her and listen for two weeks - see if you notice a difference in your own attitude towards her.'

Black Swan

Admittedly, we are all selfish to a degree, but your description of running the show and continuosly demanding more appears a bit excessive? You did acknowledge this, it would appear, so there's hope?

Then again, your description of your g/f, and the thought that you should perhaps trade her in for a new, more challenging model seemed to me a continuation of this selfishness (without a regard for her feelings and speaking strictly from your own needs)?

If I seem a bit harsh, it's cause I believe you need a wakeup call if you are ever to find a meaningful relationship with someone. It's good you are reflecting on this now, before you get too old and set in your ways? Keep thinking about this. I think it's healthy...

DublinEvents

Dude, you must be nuts to want to blow this relationship. It's great! You are whining coz you are comfortable? What the heck? If she is mad enough to do anything for you, that's great. Treat her with love and respect. Instead of always calling the shots, ask her what she wants to do so you don't get the feeling that you are using her. If you break up, it will be a big mistake and you will regret it later on. Just make the best of what you have got. If she's unhappy, she will leave you sooner or later. But if she loves you more than anything, breaking up with her will shatter her. For the sake of all that is holy, don't break that girl's heart, especially a girl who is willing to do anything for you. That's proof that she really does love you.

LegacyUser

Again, I really appreciate the replies and that. The best suggestion so far has definitely been to give it 2 weeks of nothing but doing stuff she likes, trying to get to know her better, get through the nonsense. I have tried this by the way but not for that long, and remember just getting annoyed by the conversation coming back my way. Just uninformed opinions, quick to judge opinions, lack of interest in anything I'd want to talk about and back to the non sense. I'll give it a solid 2 weeks though and see what happens.Maybe I should also mention theres a class difference her being from a lower middle, me upper middle. This can cause misunderstanding sometimes. Also she was my little sisters best friend up until 6 months ago and now they hate the sight of eachother. Probably because of me. The rest of my family dont look too well upon my girlfriend since the two ceased their friendship. More issues! But dont get me wrong I really think she is so cute and love the attention she gives. As I said I'm not sure what or who I love, just have the gut feeling its unhealthy.

Black Swan

sleepforever122 wrote:

Maybe I should also mention theres a class difference her being from a lower middle, me upper middle.

Class difference?

greenkittie

Blue_Lagoon wrote:

Class difference?

Ah the great class debate always sure to spark off an argument.
OP i understand you on this one but you should realise its best not to get into that in public these days.

LegacyUser

sleepforever122 wrote:

Again, I really appreciate the replies and that. The best suggestion so far has definitely been to give it 2 weeks of nothing but doing stuff she likes, trying to get to know her better, get through the nonsense. I have tried this by the way but not for that long, and remember just getting annoyed by the conversation coming back my way. Just uninformed opinions, quick to judge opinions, lack of interest in anything I'd want to talk about and back to the non sense. I'll give it a solid 2 weeks though and see what happens.

If you are annoyed by her conversation, and feel she isn't interested in what you have to say then that shows a valid complaint.
Perhaps saying "why are you never interested in what I have to say?" or the next time she comes back with what you consider a uninformed opinion ask her why she feels that way.
It's called interaction.. try it. I wasn't talking about doing "stuff she likes for two weeks", but more paying heed to her, listening and interacting for two weeks at least.
This is much harder than, for example, taking her to see a film she likes....

sleepforever122 wrote:

Maybe I should also mention theres a class difference her being from a lower middle, me upper middle. This can cause misunderstanding sometimes.

In what way?
Unless you are living within the cast system in India, I would suspect the class issue is more got to do with your self image... again...
You cant explain incompatibility by inventing a class divide, and apart from your apparent character flaws, incompatibility seems to be the name of the day really...

LegacyUser

'Misunderstandings occur when it comes to politeness and space and little things. Such as not being all over each other when in front of the tv and I can hear my mother or someone about to come in(yes, I'm living back home temporarily). She doesnt see anything wrong with that. I was always of the opinion that a girls bedroom was a no go zone for boyfriends purely out of respect to the parents. However in her house her parents dont blink twice and actually tell me to go up. Also she can be very pushy about spending time together, I live at the moment at home so dont really want her camped at my house sleeping with me while theres a full house, thats just disrespectful. She will force the issue though and hold it against me when I want some time alone or when I dont want her to stay over. She also holds it against me that I havent slept with her at her house ever. To be honest every creak can be heard as its quite a small house, and I can think of better ways to die than from her old mans hand. These are just a few examples of what might be classed as difference in class or culture. Believe it or not things such as these can lead to major arguments.
I was actually on the phone tonight with her and tried to query and explain with her everything so as to keep the conversation very simple. I'll keep it up and see if we find some common ground somewhere.
Another thing I should mention is a problem with the age gap is that my career keeps me very busy, too busy to see her during the week usually, so the only times we've been together have been spent having sex and playing and stuff. Ive just been so busy for the past year and a half, its unfair to her and what makes it harder is that she doesnt understand. She thinks I should be able to make time for her, which would dent and slow up everything, which for anybody running their own business would agree.
Anyway the thing is a part of me really loves her I wont lie. But I just feel the relationship is wrong and unfair on her.'

BeardyGit

I'm surprised you haven't been roasted yet by the boards PI community. You're not in love. I don't think you have any idea what it means. And that's a sad way to be as a 28 year old man....

You're wasting her time and your own. Dump her now, save her from your calculated 'relationship'. It sounds like she deserves at least that much.

With any luck, you'll do the right thing. Failing that, maybe she will see sense herself - It's amazing just how astute the lower classes can be....Must be something in the water.... :rolleyes:

Kell

sleepforever122 wrote:

I have tried this by the way but not for that long, and remember just getting annoyed by the conversation coming back my way. Just uninformed opinions, quick to judge opinions, lack of interest in anything I'd want to talk about and back to the non sense.

I repeat my earlier post. What the fúck are you wasting this girls time for? You are using her for sex and to wait on you hand and foot.

sleepforever122 wrote:

Maybe I should also mention theres a class difference her being from a lower middle, me upper middle.

I am glad this is the tinternet, as I would have to punch you to the floor for a comment like that. Question- just where the fúck do you get off? One could, if one were so inclined, read your nonsense as-

"I am a snob who is fúcking some air headed tart from a different post code for fun, yet I detest her company. What should I do lads loike?"

Again, dump her for her own sake and quit thinking you have this chip on your shoulder courtesy of daddy and go and be who you want to be.

K-

LegacyUser

'Well surprise surprise the mention of class gets me punched in the nose and branded a snob. Would it make you hate me more if I told you I drove a brand new Audi or something aswell? Only people from southside dublin understand the difference in class which is quite a big divide here. Mentality is different I'm sorry to say. Accept it, but dont live it. I have never held anything against my girlfriend regarding her class. I'm not citing the subtle differences we have borne out of class as reasons to break up. I'm stating that they are causing complications and misunderstanding.
As stated previously I'm going to give a 2 week trial period now and make lots of time for her and talk with her as openly and outgoingly as poss. I want to make sure I am not losing the love of my life, as I have a tendency towards pastures that look greener from afar.
Its amazing how a touch of angriness gives clarity, but having said that, sometimes it tells me I love her like just now, or other times that I only need myself.
Thanks again to everyone who contributed to this thread. Talking is good, in whatever form.'

Kell

sleepforever122 wrote:

Only people from southside dublin understand the difference in class which is quite a big divide here.

You're talking to a southsider from a nice little affluent part of it who doesnt give a flying fúck about class. Perhaps educate me as to the divide as I dont see one?

sleepforever122 wrote:

I have never held anything against my girlfriend regarding her class.

Then why mention class at all? Class doesnt exist unless you choose it to.

sleepforever122 wrote:

Would it make you hate me more if I told you I drove a brand new Audi or something aswell?

No. I'd applaud you for obvious success in whatever you do.

K-

AnonoBoy

sleepforever122 wrote:

But dont get me wrong I really think she is so cute and love the attention she gives.

That's it in a nutshell. You love the attention you get off her, you don't really give a rat's ass about her.

LegacyUser

sleepforever122 wrote:

'Misunderstandings occur when it comes to politeness and space and little things. Such as not being all over each other when in front of the tv and I can hear my mother or someone about to come in(yes, I'm living back home temporarily). She doesnt see anything wrong with that. I was always of the opinion that a girls bedroom was a no go zone for boyfriends purely out of respect to the parents. However in her house her parents dont blink twice and actually tell me to go up. Also she can be very pushy about spending time together, I live at the moment at home so dont really want her camped at my house sleeping with me while theres a full house, thats just disrespectful. She will force the issue though and hold it against me when I want some time alone or when I dont want her to stay over. She also holds it against me that I havent slept with her at her house ever. To be honest every creak can be heard as its quite a small house, and I can think of better ways to die than from her old mans hand. These are just a few examples of what might be classed as difference in class or culture.

erm, thats not class difference, thats a difference in beliefs or moral outlook.
You should really know the difference.
For a 28 year old, you seem to have a very limited understanding of others who don't live up to your standard of social and moral etiquette or to be more precise... hold a different one.

And the whole south side comment is laughable, leading me to believe that you are living in your own head...

Shellie13

do her a favour and break up with her!
Once alone sort out your own insecurites without messing someone else up along the way!

BeardyGit

sleepforever122 wrote:

'Well surprise surprise the mention of class gets me punched in the nose and branded a snob. Would it make you hate me more if I told you I drove a brand new Audi or something aswell? Only people from southside dublin understand the difference in class which is quite a big divide here. Mentality is different I'm sorry to say. Accept it, but dont live it. I have never held anything against my girlfriend regarding her class. I'm not citing the subtle differences we have borne out of class as reasons to break up. I'm stating that they are causing complications and misunderstanding.

As a south-sider, I believe I understand what class is all about. Let me educate you, Royston. I understand that it's something you can't buy, can't inherit, can't 'fake' and that true 'class' is something you will probably struggle to attain for the duration of your time on this earth. Either that or you'll remain blissfully ignorant, hidden away in an enclave of emotionally numb 'southsoide' arseholes for the rest of your days. Just think, some day everything your parents inherited or worked for will belong to you and you'll also be able to pretend you've earned it.... Just think how proud you'll be to pass your skewed perspective on true 'worth' to your children. Gosh....

sleepforever122 wrote:

As stated previously I'm going to give a 2 week trial period now and make lots of time for her and talk with her as openly and outgoingly as poss. I want to make sure I am not losing the love of my life, as I have a tendency towards pastures that look greener from afar.

Trust me, you're not losing the love of your life. You're just toying with someone else, a play-thing of sorts to keep you occupied. You can't just switch 'love' on and off whenever suits, Royston, hmmkay? Roight? Got it? Yawh...

sleepforever122 wrote:

Its amazing how a touch of angriness gives clarity, but having said that, sometimes it tells me I love her like just now, or other times that I only need myself.

I believe 'anger' is the word you're looking for there chum. Angriness, eh? Did you learn that in Upper Middle English Class?

sleepforever122 wrote:

Thanks again to everyone who contributed to this thread. Talking is good, in whatever form.'

It sure is Sunshine, it sure is. Goodnight, Royston.

LegacyUser

Your girlfriend was like me, giving and giving not receiving. Eventually I gave up, my head had rolled too many times, i was like your mother, giving and giving. I stopped, or was stopped, hard to tell , which came first. I think the stopping, I shouted No more, he didn't hear. I shouted some more, not actually shouted, cos if you are co-dependant too, you don't! I just tried, for years I tried, now i know I tried too hard. I stopped. Mainly cos i found someone else, in reality he found me. Where will it go, I don't know, what I do know is that it got me out of that place. That place of trying too hard. How do I feel? I feel angry, angry at myself cos I let me treat me like that. Exactly how it was for my own mother and possibly for your girlfriends mother. Angry cos he didn't see me, angry cos I tried, angry cos I tried again, angry cos he now wants me, only cos I'm not available to him, angry cos it could have been different, very different. I want to deal with my anger, this is partly how, there are other ways I hope and trust that I will find them.

My advice to you, I have none, cos I'm still trying to work it all out, just stop and take stock before its too late. Its too late for my ex man, he has wanted me back and still does, he is in a lot of pain, its not my pain, I'm leaving him with his pain, i'm in my own pain. I hope to find my way out, its not with him.

von Neumann

Hi OP,

I'm not sure that we have as much control over what we do as we'd like to think.
In all likelihood you have sought out just this kind of relationship.
You like to pretend to yourself and others that you have total control of the relationship, you probably don't.
You could be locked into this type of relationship for the rest of your life but possibly with diffent girls, which is extremely damaging to you and any childern you might have.

Really, you should speak to a profesional and get some objective advise.

Best of luck and be proud of yourself for not buiring your head in the sand.

morningperson

poor girl...she will probably dump you soon.....

Piste

Considering this thread is nearly two years old I doubt they're still together.