Stupid Husband!

LegacyUser

OK so here is the story: I met my wife several years ago, we fell in love got married etc. Did not have much money, but we had each other. The years rolled on, we now have a beautiful child, a nice home and some money. We are far from rich, but we are not completely broke. We both wok too hard, but I felt things were good.

The other day my wife tells me she no longer loves me. Then she tells me why. It seems that there are many things that I have been doing wrong. The main one is not spending enough quality time with her. Other things include, spending too much time pursuing my chosen sport, getting too stressed, getting too caught up in work etc. Sex life has been bad for a long time now, like a fool I did not realise why. I love her very much and in hindsight I can see she is correct about many things. The problems we now face are not all my fault, but mostly are mine.

I have never been the romantic type, I just don’t know how. More than anything I want to win back the love of my wife. So please any advice as to how I can wow her would be appreciated! Although I have done many stupid things I have always loved her and never been unfaithful ( I don’t expect a medal for this!)I really love her and we are both willing to give this relationship a try, so particularly any women out there, tell me what you think I should do.

BreadBoard

Hi,

Well at least you are talking about it. Maybe sit down with her and talk things out about what you'd like/need from each other in the relationship. Your not stupid, these things happen, but now that your wife have said it to you, you then blame yourself. Stop blaming yourself and talk to your wife about it.

Best of luck.

admiralofthefleet

maybe these could help you
http://www.accord.ie

regards,
gar

Ruu_Old

Sit down and talk to her, see if she is willing to give it another try. Go away together perhaps and see if you both can find why ye got married in first place. Good luck.

padser

No point in trying to be something your not in my opinion. If she doesnt love you for who you are, is there really any point changing to try and 'win her back'. Dont let her control you like this.

Also complaining you spend to much time at your chosen sport?? Bang outa line if you ask me.

If there is any link I'd give you it

http://www.oasis.gov.ie/relationships/separation_divorce/applying_for_a_divorce.html

Nevyn

padser, unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

hunnymonster

You say you're not romantic but romance doens't have to be weekend's in paris or rose petals in the bath (though these are welcome!!) Just show you are willing to put more into your relationship again. Really listen when you guys chat. If you can take on a couple of her chores once in a while so she can treat herself (of course the favour should be returned). Go to the cinema if you don't already. In short "court" her again.

Is the stress at work a long term thing. Is it going to reduce? Can you ask for a transfer or change jobs?

I know quite a few couples where one person is heavily involved in a sport. Some of these people spend 20 hours a week involved in their sport on top of full time jobs. What appears to work accross the board is talking about it in advance. You both agree how many hours and when you will be doing your own thing. Then your wife will know what is happening and won't feel rejected when you arrive in the door in the evening, ssay hi, and disappear out again. For example one guy has to get up at 5am on a sunday morning to go cycling so that he can be home at 10 am and they spend the rest of the day together.

Not sure if any of this helps, but you obviously love your wife and I hope you find what you need.

Nevyn

It sounds like you have not put enough time into your relationship and in getting to know your wife as both your lifes changed.
You need to take time out and figure out there things went wrong as there clearly is communications issues as you weren't aware that there were issues.

CharLit

Hello,

I'm really sorry to hear about your troubles, and I really hope things get better for you again!

Firstly, it doesn't sound as though your wife is looking for romance (though it surely won't kill to bring home the odd rose!), so much as attention - I don't mean she's doing this just to get attention in a kiddie-tantrum type way, but she wants more time with you, the kind of time any couple should spend together and have to be really focused on one another to keep the relationship blooming.

Here are some things that may help (please ignore anything you're already doing):

- Communicate, communicate, communicate. She's opened the lines of communication, now keep the conversation going. Find out what her issues are, exactly, and what you can and are willing to do about them. Make sure she knows you're willing to work on them. You say it's not all your fault, so also make clear to her in a non-confrontational way what SHE could do to improve things.

- However, also make sure to have fun together, don't talk about your problems continuously. Otherwise, every moment you spend together will become charged and difficult because you're having heavy conversations all the time. Set time aside to talk about it, and time to NOT talk about it.

- are there useful grandparents/siblings around who could take your baby for an evening, or even better, a day per week? If so, make that YOUR time as a couple, either going out and doing something you both enjoy, or curled up on the couch with a film... whatever helps you reconnect. You both have busy schedules, so start actually planning your time together.

- make sure you have meals together as often as possible, and use them to just chat, find out how each other's day has been, what funny things happened, what pissed you off in the news that day: show an interest in each other's lives.

- Aside from your child and putting food on the table, your relationship should be your number one priority, for both of you. By all means, put some less time into your sports to free up more time for her. However, do not (either of you) give up other activities completely, or you will end up resenting it.

- As someone else already suggested, make sure she can take time off from home life sometimes too: send her off with her friends for the day while you take care of your child and clean up the house. You should also take this kind of time for yourself occasionally (though I guess you were already doing that with your sports)

- make sure the housework is evenly divided

- once other things get better, hopefully sex will follow... don't focus on that for now, but make sure she knows how beautiful you think she is.

best of luck!

C

claire-g

admiralgar wrote:

maybe these could help you
http://www.accord.ie

regards,
gar

Yup, I agree with Gar...... it can be very scary going for counselling not to mind couples counselling but it could be very useful for both of you and commitment to such a venture might show your wife that you will work hard to try to work things out.

Also, dont be too hard on yourself, there are two people in a relationship, its doubtful you're all bad and she all good........

ClockWorkOrange

padser wrote:

No point in trying to be something your not in my opinion. If she doesnt love you for who you are, is there really any point changing to try and 'win her back'. Dont let her control you like this.

Also complaining you spend to much time at your chosen sport?? Bang outa line if you ask me.

If there is any link I'd give you it

http://www.oasis.gov.ie/relationships/separation_divorce/applying_for_a_divorce.html

I dont think this was off topic or unhelpful.. in fact it seems like the most helpful advice to me..

If you wife says she doesn't love you the i really think you should move on, life is to short to be fighting an uphill battle.. You are who u are and you should stand by it..

claire-g

yes but the dude said he wants her back..............

CharLit

ClockWorkOrange wrote:

I dont think this was off topic or unhelpful.. in fact it seems like the most helpful advice to me..

If you wife says she doesn't love you the i really think you should move on, life is to short to be fighting an uphill battle.. You are who u are and you should stand by it..

a) he loves her and doesn't want to lose her
b) they have a child together, you can't just walk out because you're having a bad day
c) he asked for help on how to save his marriage, not end it
d) he agrees with her that he hasn't been spending enough time and needs to make changes
e) she's not asking him to change who he is, merely that he puts more effort into their relationship. Once you have been together for a few years, have full time jobs and a child, relationships take work from both parties to keep them healthy. This includes making compromises.

ClockWorkOrange

@claire-g yes but the dude said he wants her back..............

I know but its prob not the best idea for this guy to stay with his wife even if he thinks he want to..

I have been with girls and when the relationship was coming to an end i though the only thing i wanted was to keep things together and stay with her.. Then a couple of months after its over i would be wondering what the hell i was thinking..

sometimes what we want isn't always what we need..

ClockWorkOrange

a) he loves her and doesn't want to lose her

Unrequited love breeds disappointment, bitterness and anger

b) they have a child together, you can't just walk out because you're having a bad day

A child does not keep a relationship together, it would be healthier for the child to have a happy and independent father rather than a man groveling to a wife that does not love him

c) he asked for help on how to save his marriage, not end it

He wanted advice, this is advice.. dont get pissy because you dont agree with me

d) he agrees with her that he hasn't been spending enough time and needs to make changes

He is a hard working man, and likes to play sports, he should be congratulated for supporting his family and having an interest and healthy hobby.. His wife has turned this against him.. its shameful..

e) she's not asking him to change who he is, merely that he puts more effort into their relationship. Once you have been together for a few years, have full time jobs and a child, relationships take work from both parties to keep them healthy. This includes making compromises.

Yes she is asking him to change who he is, she has said she does not love him as he is.. Its emotional blackmail...

I feel sorry for this guy..

claire-g

You may be right and indeed people can often see things more clearly if they are not in the relationship but it is very difficult for someone who doesnt want to lose the person they love to see that this relationship may not in fact be the best thing......so by going to counselling for example the couple may come to realise this and come to an amicable agreement regarding children etc. Couples counselling doesnt mean that the couple will inevitably stay together, it just means that both parties can be facilitated to discuss their issues in an open forum and by doing so can hopefully come to the best conclusion, that may well be separating, and it may mean staying together and having a wonderful life together.

sinbadfury

This seems a common problem. A couple starts out and love is everything that they need. The romance is there, and things are going along swimmingly. Then, over time things start to change, naturally in my opinion.

The man may see his priority is to provide the best for his family, this means working to give him the means to do so. So often the man can get blinded by this and all of a sudden, more time working gives more money, better success = better life for family, so he is happy.

Meanwhile the wife is loosing contact as the husband is working too much and she complains about the lack of love and romance etc....you can see where this is going.

After being in this position (we were not at break-up point however), I silently decided to make a change, as soon as I realised that I was not being pressured to change 'me' but just to take different priorities with regard to family life.

So now I only work late (self employed) a max of 3 nights a week and I put aside time for proper meals with the family (even if it is 30 mins or so, quality time with no TV etc) and the weekends have become a no-go for work which has inadvertently helped my stress levels and everyone seems happier as there is no major conflicts over time

I have also learned that even the smallest peck on the cheek or mini-hug in evening time can do wonders. Small continuous contact is very easy to do, but also very easy to not do!

This is why I am a firm believer in NOT using counselling services. As intelligent adults, if one person is willing to listen, most problems can be fixed at home.

Hope this was relevant

CherieAmour

The fact that she is willing to give it a try means all is not lost. This is your chance to put things right.

Life is so hectic these days that it's easy to forget the simple things that you can do and that would mean so much.

As for the person who said your wife is bang out of line for saying you spend too much time at your favourite sport, they should know the backround before they go saying something like this. If a man hasn't seen his wife or child before 10pm all week because of work commitments, for example, priorities say he should give up his Saturday football match to spend some time with her/them. That's the way it is if you want to keep the most important people in your life happy. If you yourself feel she is being unreasonable then talk this out. Her anger at this might be hiding what she is really upset about.

It sounds like your wife is a reasonable woman in her wants and needs as she seems to have put up with things for a while before saying anything. What any woman worth having and keeping wants is for you to listen to her when she has something to say. She wants you to do some, not all of the things she likes to do in the week, and if she doesn't ask, notice it and ask her what she would like to do. Watch carefully for signs of unhappiness because these stick out a mile - if you're rushing around thinking everything is okay you obviously won't notice them.
Think of how well you know your wife, and do something you know she would like. This doesn't always mean trips to Rome or grand gestures. Most women are happy to feel wanted and loved and something thoughtful being done like getting flowers sent to her job in the middle of a routine day can make her feel very special.

Some people on here are being very blunt saying 'if you're pretending to be someone else, you're wasting your time' this is true too to a point. If you feel you are pretending to be someone you are not, then you won't be able to keep this up forever and will end up back at square one eventually. You obviously love your wife very much and want to keep her, but do this by staying who you are. Remember that the one person who will be most hurt/affected by all of this is your child. You say you aren't romantic but it doesn't take much to do one thing now and again. It would be terrible to lose it all simply because you didn't kiss your wife first thing when you got home in the evening, or ignored opportunities to surprise/treat her. These may sound like tiny things but believe me, they add up. Ask yourself what you're NOT doing at the moment.

Make the effort and you'll be rewarded.

I sincerely hope it all works out for you

Fanny Cradock

It's an open forum and, as such, you'll always get reactionary, "don't bother your arse" opinions. It really pisses me off when people hammer out such drastic and life altering "advice" without even suggesting something a little more constructive or positive. But of course, it's easy to type some crap advice (which I would doubt the poster would be so quick to take themselves) and then piss off back to your own life, not giving a second thought to said advice. Suggesting that the OP should throw in the towel so easily displays an emotional detachment that I can only hope is a result of posting on an anonymous forum and not something that would be acted upon in real life.

Anyway, OP, if the sentiments in your posts are heartfelt, then you really need to see someone who can guide you through this crisis. I would assume that Accord would be a good start.

Small gestures and some life style changes (see sinbadfury's post) will help. However, unlike sinbadfury, I would definitely advise going to a professional, though admittedly I have no experience of such matters. For me it boils down to common sense: you can only explore and, hopefully, fix the situation by talking about it and making some changes (I assume a professional who deals with this every day would help). There is some very sensible and encouraging advice given in this thread. I hope that it all works out for you guys.

Good luck, OP.

Esel

ClockWorkOrange wrote:

I have been with girls and when the relationship was coming to an end i though the only thing i wanted was to keep things together and stay with her.. Then a couple of months after its over i would be wondering what the hell i was thinking..

A bit different to the OP's situation, wouldn't you agree?

OP: your wife has told you what the problem areas are. Surely you can make some changes there. Also, if you are away from home a lot, your child is losing out - as are you. They grow up fast, you know.

I think if you are serious about wanting to rescue tthe situation, you are going to have to re-appraise where your priorities lie. Work for instance - you can work like a demon for 45 years, then after you retire, the people in work will soon be saying 'Jim who?'.

Slutmonkey57b

The only piece of advice I'd give you is don't get blackmailed into the trap that it's all your fault. If you both work, then you're both at fault for not having time for each other. And if your wife has let it fester that long that she hasn't talked to you about her feelings to the point that she doesn't love you, then she's as much to blame as you are for not fulfilling her needs. Nobody's psychic. At least she's started talking, but don't hold onto the belief that it will all be solvable, or the belief that sticking together "for the sake of the child" is the best thing to do.

See a counciller.

I would also agree that padser's comment, while being rather brutal is not by any stretch of the imagination off-topic or unhelpful.

The Sweeper

Slutmonkey57b wrote:

The only piece of advice I'd give you is don't get blackmailed into the trap that it's all your fault. If you both work, then you're both at fault for not having time for each other. And if your wife has let it fester that long that she hasn't talked to you about her feelings to the point that she doesn't love you, then she's as much to blame as you are for not fulfilling her needs. Nobody's psychic. At least she's started talking, but don't hold onto the belief that it will all be solvable, or the belief that sticking together "for the sake of the child" is the best thing to do.

Indeed, this isn't all your fault. And she should have told you earlier, and indeed you shouldn't take all the blame.

However, the people (and I don't mean you, Slutmonkey,) who are telling you not to change and to be true to yourself are missing a big point.

You can still be yourself and be more considerate of other people.

If your wife said "I don't love you any more because you just don't do it for me and I'm sorry but there's nothing about you I like and I can't see what I fell for in the first place", then that's a major problem.

I your wife said "I don't love you any more, you spend no time with me, you're too caught up in work, you play football in every second of free time you have, you never do any housework and you're just constantly stressed", that is also a major problem, but a completely different kind of problem.

A lot of people create misery in their own relationships because they just don't make changes that they could make, quite easily. There's a hilarious part in the movie "The Breakup" - the one that's in all the trailers, where the girl tells her bloke "I want you to want to do the dishes", and all he can say is "Why would I want to do the dishes?!"

When you cohabit with someone, there are things you have to do every single day, unless you're millionaires and you have a maid.

You will always have to do dishes.
You will always have to hoover.
You will always have to clean the loo.
You will always have to change the bed.
You will always have to do a bunch of other housework.
Unless you live on takeaway, you eat three times a day, someone somewhere has to prepare that food.
Your child needs to be washed, read to, fed and played with every day, then cuddled and put to bed.

If you don't split that list, or whatever list is specific to your relationship, 50/50, it builds resentment in the person who's doing more of it.

If you get out of the house two nights a week to train for football and then a half day at the weekend to play football (or whatever your sport is), your missus should get two nights a week out on her own while you stay home with your kids, and she should also get a half day at the weekend of time on her own. This doesn't mean she has to go out on the batter every time, but even a few hours to wander around shops, go to a coffee shop with a book, take a time out.

It is very, very easy, when your partner is doing most of the housework and child-related chores, to think that you're trying really hard because you work during the week. You stop noticing how much actually has to get done. Especially if you're an Irish bloke, because chances are your mum did most of what your missus is now doing, so you didn't even realise that the kitchen floor needs washing. So then you think "I'm so stressed at work, I don't feel like doing any housework, I just need a time out".

Well the stuff that needs doing still has to be done, so your missus does it. Again. And she thinks "My husband is one lazy bastard, if only I could decide not to be arsed because I'm stressed. What a selfish man I married. What does he think, that I'm the goddamned maid? ...I feel about as sexy as a sweeping brush. I'm nothing but a replacement for his mother."

Simply, you need to be doing half of what gets done. Unless you're earning enough money that your missus works part time, or stops working, then you need to be splitting household chores 50/50, free time rights 50/50, and the raising of your kids 50/50. There is simply no excuse for you to not do half of what needs to be done so you can BOTH live - and "I have sports training" isn't an excuse.

Don't start taking on doing all of it - this shouldn't be about you redressing some imbalance of the past - just start pulling your weight.

If you pull your weight, your wife's respect for you will go up. And as long as you're doing half of the tasks, and making time for her to have time to herself that's equal to the time you spend playing sports, there's no reason you can't continue your sport. Sport is good, it helps you manage your stress, you get exercise, it's very important.

Learn to manage your time better, so you have time to work, be domestic, play your sport and spend quality time with your family and your wife.

greenkittie

Listen to Minesajackdaniels, he's given some sound advice there.

davidoco

It seems that loads of young married couples (first five years) go through exactly the same situation a year or two after having a kid. I didn’t know it was so common until I stopped talking to my friends about films/football etc and started talking about our relationships. It was like looking in the mirror for all of us.

My message is that your not alone in having to face this situation and it seems from the OP that all is not lost.

Take some of the points onboard about the simple things you can do to improve the amount of attention you give your wife. It’s actually embarrassingly easy to show a bit more love to someone you love.

silverharp

padser wrote:

No point in trying to be something your not in my opinion. If she doesnt love you for who you are, is there really any point changing to try and 'win her back'. Dont let her control you like this.

Also complaining you spend to much time at your chosen sport?? Bang outa line if you ask me.

If there is any link I'd give you it

http://www.oasis.gov.ie/relationships/separation_divorce/applying_for_a_divorce.html

If life is about anything it's about growth, it's a conscious or unconscious decision whether you grow together or apart, but a decision none the less. With your view on relationships I'd stick to mail order brides from Thailand ;-)
No challenge there

biko

Pretty much what all above said - your wife loved you enough to marry you and she still wants to try a repair the problems. Counselling would be the best option I believe. This shows that you're willing to get help outside from someone who sees these issues every day and most likely can help a lot. And remember to not take things/people for granted.

Best of luck!

Marksie

I agree with Minesajackdaniels and others that it isnt entirely your fault. It takes two to communicate and it hasnt happened until now it would seem.

and mibes a jack gave some good advice

For those who advocate divorce straight away.. the point is that both want to give it a try to resolve matters.

It is definitely a wake up call for you both. It is unfortunately symptomatic of life these days that people do loose the ability to connect as external pressures edge their way in. you juts wake up if you are not careful and there is a stranger next to you.

It happened to me years ago..but the relationship dynamic was vastly different.

As hunnymonster said it isnt all about trips and roses.. just at times the very very small things, a touch..offering to help, even just listening when your partner has a problem and not commenting or giving advice.. just being there..attentive and supportive.

The two of you need to openly communicate where and when things began to alter. It has to be open though and without defensiveness if possible..that is where a good facilitator..or councillor will come in. They may be able to mediate and tease issues into the open..give you a basis from which to rebuild and do it in a situation which will not end in rows and recriminations

I will refrain from giving any advice about connectedness and all that as you are essentially starting from the foundations... I do earnestly hope though that you are in time not only salvage things, but go on and up
best of luck
Namaste
M

deisemum

OP you've been given a lot of good advice especially from minesajackdaniels and marksuttonie.

I'm nearly 17 years married and hubby and I separated for 6 months a few years ago but with the help of a very good counsellor we sorted things out and are now happier than ever. We had started going down the legal route and it was a very difficult time.

As your wife wants to try and make things work all is not lost. It is not entirely your fault as it's a two way thing. Sometimes we don't appreciate what we have until it's gone and hopefully this is a wake up call for both of you.

Black Swan

Make a new start? Perhaps take a long holiday with her to signal that things will change? Then change, giving more quality time to your relationship!

You say you are not romantic, but they are really just little things that recognise the importance of the other person. Court her again? Flowers? Walks? Dinner and a film? A personal gift? Little surprises, not big ones, that acknowledge your love?

Maybe try to initiate playfulness in your relationship? That's the biggest thing that keeps me with my significant other through thick and thin. We play a lot, acknowledging that we are just kids inside, no matter how we may candy coat ourselves as adults.

seraphimvc

may i just want to say,marriage is a matter of TWO people,husband and wife,(maybe more complicated if children are involved,but that doesnt matter in this case),you and your wife.

there is no wrong or right in a relationship,no matter in what situation.

best advice is,see a good counsellor,and at the mean time,you have to get the idea that,you two need to working together to solve the problem for your own good and you must make sure she have the same idea as well.I emphasize that because,the same problem will happen again and again if you two didnt clean up the whole mess clearly at once.

work together.tell her what you dont like.ask her what she likes.tell her to tell you everything as you would really like to hear anything from her.etc....love is just a matter of understanding...

it may sound a little bit pity and miserable if you think of everything seems start from zero now,but,BULLSH!T!you are trying to save the most important thing in the world of yours!!show your bravery and determined!!there is nothing can block you the way to do that except yourself.show everything you got!!show her how you need her,show her how you want her,show her how badly you dont want to lose her,show her how much you care and love for your family!(and stop having the idea of 'win her back',you do that because you want to,for her,for your family)

wish you all the best in luck.:)

craichoe

When a woman says "I think i don't love you anymore" you can guarantee she's talked to every other tulip under the sun about it before you.

Tell her to communicate with you ffs she should have told you about it.

I thought my sex life was crap but then found that i was more into role playing etc. really tell her what your into and get her to do the same, DON'T be afraid of what she'll think, guaranteed she'll be well on for it