Reaching the end of the line

LegacyUser · 17-11-2006 4:01am #1

Hello all,

Firstly, thanks for reading. I really don't know what I expect to gain from this but I don't have anything to lose either so I may aswell, I have been reading threads on here for quite some time and the majority of posters here seem to genuinely care and wish to help others in a constructive way.

My name is Shane and I am in serious turmoil. I suppose I have been all my life but lately things have become unbearable. I am 20. I am in college. My final year. Things on the outside seem great, I have LOTS of friends, a great part-time job and as a result lots of money, I am considered very good looking by girls and I really should have nothing to complain about.

The problem is-I am gay. I know that might seem like a NON problem for many, but I am finding life hard to live. I've always known I was different. I always knew I liked lads and not girls. However as I get older it seems things are getting HARDER not EASIER. I always dreamed of college when I was in school. I always imagined I would be free from living a lie, that everyone in college was open etc. that I would fall in love etc. But the reality is far diffe
rent. I hate myself and my life. I hate who I am. I really wish I could commit suicide and be done with it. Being gay is not fun in Ireland in 2006. Being gay is not fun full stop.

The reason I say this is simple. I am completely different from everyone around me. Girls I know like boys, Boys I know like Girls. Where does that leave me? Stuck in the middle of nowhere. I can't come out. I really can't. I am sure everyone would be accepting but what would it achieve other than sticking a label on myself? I have hige problems. If I am with the lads and they start talking about girls they like, I get upset. I feel inadequete, incomplete. I cant take part. I can only ever fake it. I am what one would consider 'straight' acting. Nothing gay about me at all, in fact I have had many girlfriends, all meainging nothing of course, but lately my feelings have taken a downturn, I have become friends with a guy and I am really falling for him.

He's not gay in any way shape or form, I try to convince myself that he secretly is but hes not, he'll only ever be an acquantince and yet I feel as if I am falling in love with him. I really can't take it anymore. I've tried being 'out' by going to clubs in Dublin but no luck, full of guys I didnt like after one thing only. I am too straight to fit in with the gay crowd, too gay to play with the straight crowd. My head is in bits. I really cant handle falling for this guy. I fell for a guy before in school and it controlled my life for 4 years.

I dont want to moan, whinge and take on self pity. I cant help the way I feel. I feel so down. I keep imagining how great my life would be if I was straight, I could be myself without comments/prejudice. I could be without the predetermined notion that BOYS must like GIRLS. I could be free.

I really am so close to just ending it all. I can't go through these same old feelings day in day out for the next 20 years. I feel so trapped. I cant and wont admit these feelings to anyone as in reality I am sad and desperate to fall in love with someone I barely know.

Thank you for reading. I appreciate anyone who responds. I apologise for the donwbeat tone.

Cheers

Beruthiel · 17-11-2006 8:28am

OnTheEdge wrote:

The problem is-I am gay. I know that might seem like a NON problem for many, but I am finding life hard to live. I've always known I was different. I always knew I liked lads and not girls. However as I get older it seems things are getting HARDER not EASIER. I always dreamed of college when I was in school. I always imagined I would be free from living a lie, that everyone in college was open etc. that I would fall in love etc. But the reality is far diffe
rent. I hate myself and my life. I hate who I am. I really wish I could commit suicide and be done with it. Being gay is not fun in Ireland in 2006. Being gay is not fun full stop.

Suicide is never an answer Shane.
You are still very young, your whole life is ahead of you and can be as wonderful as you wish to make it. I feel a lot of your turmoil is self inflicted. You have suceeded in making a mountain out of a molehill. By that I mean you have decided not to be your whole, true self.
Until you are comfortable in your own skin and who you are, it is very difficult to be happy. That is something we all have to learn, some of us find it harder than others, with a little effort on your part it can be done.

You come across as an intelligent and sensitive lad, be proud of that, try to learn to like yourself, you must be a likeable lad to have loads of friends, believe that about yourself.

Now, you say you cannot come out, you say you have loads of friends, is there not one of them you feel you can talk to?
Are you aware that there is a Lesbian/Gay/Bisexual Forum on this site where you can continue to post unregged.
The people over there can give you very specific advice which maybe very helpful to you as they all have gone through much the same as yourself.
I can move your thread over there if you wish.
Now and again they have a drinks session and I'm quite sure you would be more than welcome to join them. It's a step in the right direction Shane, please have the courage to take it before taking a drastic measure there is no coming back from.
Take care
a

Black Swan · 17-11-2006 9:40am

Perhaps if you were in a course of study or a profession that associated differences in people as creative outlets? I'm in the creative arts (acting) and find that persons in these, and related fields (creative writing, screenplays, stage and film production, Fx/special effects, photography, painting, sculpture, etc.), straight or gay, are by far more open to the uniqueness that exists in each and everyone of us. What you now feel could be transformed into an asset, depending upon how you view it, within a community of artists? The struggle that you find yourself in is a part of life for many, and could find an outlet in an artistic medium that would promote understanding and creative expression? Think about it... Your life is precious. Your uniqueness as an individual has value, and can have meaning if you will only seek it.

Talliesin · 17-11-2006 10:27am

OnTheEdge wrote:

I've tried being 'out' by going to clubs in Dublin but no luck, full of guys I didnt like after one thing only.

If a straight girl said they didn't like the club scene because it was full of guys she didn't like after only one thing, would you assume she was a Lesbian?

The gay club scene is IMO pretty crap. It's not surprising I'm off this opinion given that I think the straight club scene is pretty crap too (I'm bi, btw). Sexual orientation does not affect whether or not you're going to be into clubbing.

OnTheEdge wrote:

I am too straight to fit in with the gay crowd, too gay to play with the straight crowd.

No, you're too not-a-scene-queen to fit in with certain gay crowd's and too in-the-closet to feel you can properly relax with the straight crowd.

At the end of the day sexual orientation means nothing about you beyond what sex(es) you are attracted to.

Not everyone who isn't straight likes the gay clubs (not by a long shot), alas not many of us can always hit upon the mot juste like Oscar Wilde or Noel Coward, and indeed some of us even like soccer and things like that (though admittedly in my case I'd pretty much prefer it if this wasn't true and gay venues were hence somewhere you could be guaranteed an escape from talk about soccer, but sadly this is not true).

You're looking at a particular aspect of the Gay community's social scene and reacting to that because you haven't given yourself a chance to see what else is on there. Take a look at the events and such mentioned in GCN (available all over the place, several cafés have copies as well as Outhouse), take a look at your college's LGB society or the groups that meet in Outhouse.

You really don't have to be a disco bunny to be a happy gay man.

Esel · 17-11-2006 11:25pm

Shane,

As you are obviously deeply unhappy about your situation, and have been contemplating suicide (which is *not* the answer), I feel you really need to talk to a professional counsellor about your situation. Is there someone like that in your college?

Given the obvious anguish you expressed in your post, I also feel you should talk to your GP about how bad you are feeling.

About the guy you mentioned - if you really think there is no chance with him (sounds like there isn't), then you should try really hard to stop thinking about him in that way. Do you have to be in this guy's company on a regular basis? Try and make some distance there, for your own good.

You might also consider getting in touch with The Samaritans, who should be able to give you some non-directive advice. Email: jo@samaritans.org .

You could just copy and paste most of your post here and email it.

Suicide is not the way - I'm sure that deep down you know this. Stay away from alcohol while you are feeling this way. Same goes for non-prescription drugs.

Some day you will look back on this period of your life objectively, and while you may have a memory of how bad you felt, that's all it will be - a memory. You may also find that in future when you are having a crisis, you will say to yourself "OK I'm feeling bad, but nowhere as bad as I felt back in late 2006. I got through that, so I will get through this".

Darragh29 · 18-11-2006 2:16pm

I really feel very sad for you. Your post is an excellent reflection of your thoughts at the moment and I've never heard this problem explained like this. I was out last night and in my local, there was a guy who works there but as it happened last night, a load of the barstaff were on a night off and were drinking in the pub. One guy is gay and acts so gay that I honestly avoid him if he is working behind the bar and I'm ordering a drink. People like this guy are creating the problems that you see in front of you. I can't understand how you are a guy and are gay and you know this but you act normal, then other people are gay and just act false, camp and feminine, its like they are putting on a pantomine performance in front of you when they open their mouth with their hands sticking out all over the place and pronouncing words with loads of S's... I know this post doesn't really give you any advice but just wanted to say that I can really understand how you must feel as someone who is gay but doesn't feel the need to throw your sexuality up in front of everyones face...

LegacyUser · 20-11-2006 6:43pm

'Hi,

I only encountered this thread today and it really saddened me reading it. The first point I would like to make is that you are not alone. There are others out there, myself included who do conform to the perceived stereotype and have no desire to do so. It is a difficult situation to be not entirely mainstream and yet be similarly unaligned to the minority group to which you are supposed to belong. It is a difficult but not insurmountable obstacle in life.

Ending your own life is absolutely not the answer. Your post above suggests that you are a bright, articulate and decent guy, in short the type of person that anybody would be glad to have in their life. You are only 20 years old. There is so much unrealised potential in terms of relationships with your family, friends, work and many other aspects of life. All of this before you even start thinking about love and finding a partner. I think that spending a lot of time with the lad you referred to in your post is not a great idea. These feelings of possibly unrequited love are probably exacerbating your negative frame of mind and it would do no harm to take a step back and chill out for a while.

Sexuality or who attracts you does not have to not have to define your existence. There are many people out there who are eager to apply labels and neatly categorise everybody they meet. However, this is more of a reflection on their inability to understand anything beyond the narrow parameters of their experience than it is on you as an individual. You know who are, you know that you are a decent person and it is nobody's business but your own who you find attractive.

I haven't really been able to convey what I wanted to say but this is the best I could do

. I just wanted to let you know that there are other people exactly like you around. We all have our individual crosses to bear, some of which are heavier than others. However, ending it all just isn't the answer as you never know what life will bring or who may enter your world. Remember that everything passes eventually and where there is life there is always hope, no matter how bad it can seem at the moment. Weathering this storm will ultimately make you a stronger person.

All the best.'

manutdfan · 21-11-2006 4:40pm

Shane,
I read your post on Friday and to be honest, it haunted me all weekend, which is probably why it has taken me so long to respond. It could have been me writing the post as again I am in a similar situation, except that I am 9 years older. There are so many of your thoughts that I can identify with. Firstly it is incredibly difficult to be labeled. You are quite right in that your friends would be accepting but you would immediately be labeled and put in a box. I recall one particular time recently when we were heading out to meet someone new with a gang of my friends. One of my friends told us we were meeting a friend of his, John, and that he was gay. This was all he told us prior to meeting him, not that he was witty, sarcastic or whatever just that he was gay as if this was his defining characteristic. All of the conversation afterwards involved talking about gay John. I can think of plenty other examples like this.
You also spoke falling for people who are straight. Again this has happened to me. While you do try to keep your distance, it is incredibly difficult. But do keep trying.
I would love to say that it gets easier as the years go by but it doesen't. Indeed friends getting married and having kids make it worse in some ways. Not to mention the constant questioning by friends and family as to when you are going to meet someone. At end of the day you just want to be like everyone else.
But as someone else said life is not all about meeting someone. There is so much else to it in terms of career, family, friends and travel that I really enjoy – that is not to say that there are some incredibly dark and difficult days and weeks.
In summary, I have come to the conclusion that I will probably never be truly happy living in the closet as I do and have accepted this now. I do believe that it is better than being out and being labeled. I know many would disagree with this as they don’t have to live with this or it does not bother them. However each person is different. As something else to focus on, I would also consider the possibility of going to live abroad for a couple of years. Most other countries are so much more tolerant of gay people than Ireland e.g Australia.
Most importantly life does not have to end. I know only too well the utterly devastating impact of suicide - it solves nothing and only causes unbearable anguish to those left behind. Keep going, if not for your own sake at least for theirs. If you feel you cannot, I beg you to speak to a counsellor.

Medina · 21-11-2006 8:08pm

Hi Shane

First of all, don't lose hope, you've hit the bottom and it can only get better for you now.

The way I understand it , you are depressed and suicidal because :

- You're in love with someone you can't have and who doesn't love you.
- You want to find love and not just flit through meaningless sexual relationships
- You're feeling lonely from a relationship/love perspective
- You're also feeling lonely because you feel like you're different to everyone else, and can't find anyone to identify with and who identifies with you.
-You're afraid of being labelled so you're hiding your sexuality and pretending so you feel like your life is a fake.

No one here can solve you're problems, the strength to solve it has to come within yourself.
You can build you're strength slowly ( as you're very obviously in a fragile state at the moment) by tackling one thing at a time.

Pick a friend you trust, really trust, and tell them the truth about your sexuality. Remember that people can often be different on their own to how they present themselves in a group...such as you! Have some faith in someone. You could test them out first by telling them some other secret about yourself or personal information and see how they react.

Once you have someone who knows and accepts you, maybe you'll feel a bit stronger. It can't really feel the same by telling us here, because you maybe feel like we don't matter, we're not the people in ur life. You also might feel like you're reclaiming your life for yourself, and not pretending.

But remember we all pretend in our lives a bit that we're happy when we're not. That we have a happy relationship/marriage, a successful job we like, great friends or family, lots of money...lots of people pretend about loads of things, its not good, but you're not alone in doing it! The thing is if ur unhappy to do it, then take baby steps to change the situation.

I know a lot of gay men, and while some like acting like 'queens', many want the guy who 'acts straight'. But acting straight doesn't have to mean denying you're gay, it means you don't have to put your sexuality on show for everyone.

Have you tried looking for love on somewhere like the website Gaydar?

My gay 'straight acting' friend feels its the only place to find a man who doesn't act very overtly. Pubs and clubs are not the only place to find guys. You just have to sift through them!
Even when you leave college and go to work you could meet someone there. There are lots of couples in the place I work, they don't broadcast it, but thats their choice, most people would be ok with it.

Don't let fear stop your life or force you to do things you don't want.

Your life is precious, and there are many who would miss you terribly though you may not know it if you ended it all.

Take Beruthiels advice and find people who feel similar to you.

We all feel heartbreak at some point, most of us fall for someone who doesn't feel the same at some point. Try not to let it become an obsession, you're life has so much more purpose than just finding a partner, you need to also make plans for yourself, what do you want to do in life? Even pastimes?

Love is great but only one side of your life, and relationships are never totally smooth anyway, people in love hurt too, and also feel lonely.:)

So find yourself , fulfill and plan for yourself and take people into your confidence slowly, explore options for finding love and remember that no one else can make you completely happy, you need to do that for yourself.

Reaching the end of the line

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