Selfish Partner

LegacyUser

My partner has been displaying some very selfish behaviour and it's bothering me a lot. If she is busy I don't seem to matter. If I contact her etc while she's 'busy' I get no reply and this is fine. But when the shoe is on the other foot I hear all about it from her! Also if she finishes with her business and contacts me she goes mad if I don't immediately respond to her ie once she's not busy anymore I should be waiting with bated breath for her.
A prime example of this was today. It was my birthday today and I got no contact from her until 5pm. She gave a few reasons as to why she didn't contact and all are as thin as the next. One was that she had no credit. Another was that I wasn't online and the third was that she knew I was unavailable.
The first: is irrelevant as she was at a computer all day and could have used webtxt to contact me. Also she always uses her work phone to call me so I don't see why today was any different.
Second: so I should have been online to accommodate her in contacting me? Seems a bit redundant. Also she had webtxt available to her so there was no need for me to be online.
Third: how did she know I was unavailable if she didn't try to contact me? (she based me being unavailable by the fact I wasn't online)
So basically what do you think? I know she was online and did various things online. She said she was busy but surely if she has time to mess around on a forum she frequents then she had two minutes in her day to webtxt me?
Which leaves me thinking a) it didn't enter her head to contact me on my birthday and b) it did enter her head and she simply didn't bother.
I don't know which would be worse to be honest

padser

Flick - only answer mate

LegacyUser

'

padser wrote:

Flick - only answer mate

I've an idea but I'm not fully sure what you mean'

Steyr

Kick that bitch to the Kerb man.

the_syco

Dump her. Let some other sucker chase after her, cos she doesn't seem to be worth the effort.

LegacyUser

'take a break, check other fish in the see. read up on some programming, develop new skilzzz. live life to the max, dont wait for phone calls.
enjoy cocacola'

Black Swan

It's an unbalanced relationship with the way you describe it. No future unless it's resolved? Have a talk. Express your concerns. If it doesn't work out, then perhaps it's time to move on?

Beruthiel

unsure_ wrote:

a) it didn't enter her head to contact me on my birthday and b) it did enter her head and she simply didn't bother.
I don't know which would be worse to be honest

Tell me, how did the evening go?
Did you get a prezzie, brought out to dinner/get a special one cooked for you? Did she do anything special for you at all?

Talliesin

Yeah, what Beruthiel asked.

If you birthday went well with her after that time I'd wonder if maybe she was just someone who compartamentalises heavily in terms of the mindset she's working under when she's at work or with you.

LegacyUser

'

Beruthiel wrote:

Tell me, how did the evening go?
Did you get a prezzie, brought out to dinner/get a special one cooked for you? Did she do anything special for you at all?

We have a long distance relationship at the moment - 4-5 hours drive of a distance so we won't do anything until the weekend.
She gave out to me a while ago for not posting her a card when she did her driving test. (I had one and gave it to her that weekend when I saw her but she said I should ahve posted it) Yet I got no birthday card sent to me.
She really frustrates me because there is a glaring 'one rule for her and one rule for me' issue.'

LegacyUser

Talliesin wrote:

Yeah, what Beruthiel asked.

If you birthday went well with her after that time I'd wonder if maybe she was just someone who compartamentalises heavily in terms of the mindset she's working under when she's at work or with you.

See previous post for most detail.
Regarding compartmentalising: definitely not! She's very much an 'all over the place' kinda person. Her working environment is very relaxed and I've worked with her for a few days here and there in her place of employment. She always has time during the day to do other things not work related. Usually this is posting on the forum I mentioned earlier and/or speaking to me online. So basically she could have used any of the time spent on the forum substituting it for texting me but chose not to. When I ask her why she replies in a sarcastic manner saying "oh it's cause i don't care" etc etc which does nothing really except avoid answering my question and starts the conversation going in circles.

Gordon

I think it could very well be that she actually doesn't care.

unsure_ wrote:

When I ask her why she replies in a sarcastic manner saying "oh it's cause i don't care"

I think if she says that again then you should take it that she really doesn't. And if that bothers you (it sure as hell would [and has] if I was in your situation) then I'd seriously consider moving on and finding someone that does care about you.

LegacyUser

Gordon wrote:

I think it could very well be that she actually doesn't care.

I think if she says that again then you should take it that she really doesn't. And if that bothers you (it sure as hell would [and has] if I was in your situation) then I'd seriously consider moving on and finding someone that does care about you.

Says which bit in particular?
The thing is she's the first girl I've really been with, it's my first relationship, apart from her I'm exceptionally inexperienced and we're together 18 months so I'd find it hard to end it. I wouldn't know what to do; staying in touch or not, how long before I meet other people etc

Ickle Magoo

Tell her how you feel - tell her how one sided things are & bring up the expamples you've told us...if she laughs or is sarcastic then she clearly doesn't care enough to work at making you happier & her contribution to the relationship fairer...best of luck

Tobias Greeshman

I'd give her till the weekend to see if she'll do anything for your birthday.

If she doesn't then I'd be have a serious chat, telling her you're sick of her double-standards, and only interested in you when she wants. If you're getting nowhere with her, and she seems disinterested, then I'm afraid it's time to end your relationship.

LegacyUser

'

Ickle Magoo wrote:

Tell her how you feel - tell her how one sided things are & bring up the expamples you've told us...if she laughs or is sarcastic then she clearly doesn't care enough to work at making you happier & her contribution to the relationship fairer...best of luck

I've told her before about the double-standards and she tries to shrug it off saying I'm always complaining. I tell her I only complain when she does something worth giving out about.
Her trouble, or mine really, is that she's the most stubborn person I've ever met after myself. So if she's 100% completely and utterly in the wrong she will hang herself before admitting so. Which is where comments like "oh it's cause I don't care" come from; meaning "that's what you're hinting at so I'll say it in a sarcastic voice clearly meaning I do care and you're only complaining" - said because it's the only response she can give without givng me a straight answer.
Grrrr'

Gordon

unsure_ wrote:

Says which bit in particular?

I've edited my post to make it a bit clearer.

The thing is she's the first girl I've really been with, it's my first relationship, apart from her I'm exceptionally inexperienced and we're together 18 months so I'd find it hard to end it. I wouldn't know what to do; staying in touch or not, how long before I meet other people etc

Don't worry about that right now. Worry about your feelings and your happiness. All the rest will sort itself the way you want it to as time progresses. Cross those bridges when you come to them.

As for how to end it - speak with her and tell her what the problem is. Maybe things will sort themselves out - maybe not. But you should understand that there are women out there that will be interested in you, and she doesn't sound like she is.

LegacyUser

'

Gordon wrote:

I've edited my post to make it a bit clearer.

Don't worry about that right now. Worry about your feelings and your happiness. All the rest will sort itself the way you want it to as time progresses. Cross those bridges when you come to them.

Sorry I wasn't really clear initially but like I said in my last post to another user; she didn't mean it when she said it as it was done sarcastically. But the fact remains that it seems as though she didn't bother and just can't come up with a response for me when I ask why. Which kinda amounts to the same thing. But just clarifying that she didn't say outright to me that she doesn't care. Cause if that was the case I probably wouldn't need anyone's advice here.

Gordon wrote:

As for how to end it - speak with her and tell her what the problem is. Maybe things will sort themselves out - maybe not. But you should understand that there are women out there that will be interested in you, and she doesn't sound like she is.

It's difficult to speak to her because anything I say is simply me 'complaining all the time'. We've been fighting a bit lately, the long-distance is tough, I'm in my final year of college and life in general is stressful at the moment. Which could be causing a bit of the fighting but even if it's not this kind of thing certainly didn't help matters'

Beruthiel

unsure_ wrote:

I've told her before about the double-standards and she tries to shrug it off saying I'm always complaining.

If you've pointed out the double standards and yet still she refuses to admit there are any, then nothing will ever change.

Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't give a toss?
In fairness, if you don't see your partner till the weekends, the absolute least you could do is drop a mail or give a phone call wishing them a happy birthday. I think most of us would do that much, it's hardly an effort especially if you claim to care about the person.
I'm guessing she actually doesn't care all that much.
It maybe your first longterm relationship, but you've learned something from it, that you'd prefer to be with someone who makes an effort. You deserve to be with someone who does.

Gordon

unsure_ wrote:

'
Sorry I wasn't really clear initially but like I said in my last post to another user; she didn't mean it when she said it as it was done sarcastically.

My take on that is that you should take what she says as fact, no matter if you think she's being sarcastic. She is telling you that she doesn't care - if the shoe was on the other foot and you told her that you didn't care (sarcastically) then she would take that as fact. I reckon, and in my experience.

But just clarifying that she didn't say outright to me that she doesn't care.

But she actually did say that.

Ickle Magoo

unsure_ wrote:

'
I've told her before about the double-standards and she tries to shrug it off saying I'm always complaining. I tell her I only complain when she does something worth giving out about.
Her trouble, or mine really, is that she's the most stubborn person I've ever met after myself. So if she's 100% completely and utterly in the wrong she will hang herself before admitting so. Which is where comments like "oh it's cause I don't care" come from; meaning "that's what you're hinting at so I'll say it in a sarcastic voice clearly meaning I do care and you're only complaining" - said because it's the only response she can give without givng me a straight answer.
Grrrr'

In that case you have to work out if you want someone who is such hard work as your partner. If all discussions & bickerings are made into marathon shirking & sarcastic competitions then how one earth do you intend on sorting through the miriad of everyday narks & requests of normal domestic life? If something so simple as asking why she is not making the same effort you are results in such a pathetic response, is she worth the work - and should you be justifying the off-hand way she chooses to treat your feelings with? I think you already know the answer...:(

Talliesin

Yep. Beginning to sound like a relationship that exists for the sake of it from what's been said so far, and that she does indeed not really care.

dellas1979

You know, it sounds like a bit of attention seeking to me.

Not saying you are not giving her enough attention, but she seems a little highly-strung.

How can I explain this one. With the card, for example, why would she complain about you not sending it? Most people wouldnt expect a card anyways - but not only does she want a card, she expects it posted too.

The posted bit means to me that she wants something more. She wants you to show your affection by "going the extra mile" or going out of your way to do things for her. Thats ok once in a while, but not all the time. Its not possible.

Can you ask her why she demands this attention, even on your birthday? When it should be the opposite way around.

LegacyUser

'

dellas1979 wrote:

You know, it sounds like a bit of attention seeking to me.

Not saying you are not giving her enough attention, but she seems a little highly-strung.

How can I explain this one. With the card, for example, why would she complain about you not sending it? Most people wouldnt expect a card anyways - but not only does she want a card, she expects it posted too.

The posted bit means to me that she wants something more. She wants you to show your affection by "going the extra mile" or going out of your way to do things for her. Thats ok once in a while, but not all the time. Its not possible.

Can you ask her why she demands this attention, even on your birthday? When it should be the opposite way around.

I make 'big' efforts like that quite frequently actually. For instance, during the year I rang her as I left work at about 5:30pm in Dublin and we both said how much we missed one another. So I got myself down to Heuston and hopped on the 7pm train which gets into Cork at 10pm. We only had a few hours together since I had to get up at 6am to get the 7am train back to Dublin to get into work at a reasonable hour. While I didn't mind doing this as it was my idea and she appreciated it she's never done anything similar for me.
I did ask her that question; why should I accommodate her contacting me on my birthday instead the other way around and her response was that "birthdays aren't a big deal anymore. You're not ten"
Which I found amazingly ****ty but all she does is repeat herself saying the only people who think birthdays are important anymore are me and one of her friends'

Ickle Magoo

So why did she insist that you post her a birthday card then? Tbh she is starting to sound a tad loopy!

free2fly

Happy belated birthday OP! She sounds incredibly selfish to me. And you sound like a very kind-hearted and attentive person. If she won't listen to your concerns then dump her. I'm sure there are plenty of other girls out there who would appreciate you.

dellas1979

Wow! What a nice thing to do. Wow! Look if a guy i was seeing did that for me I would be very very impressed and grateful and would return the favour.

Look, if you walk away you know you have tried your best. Look at the things you are doing for her. I dont know how you put up with it.

I would back off big time. Tell her you need time to think.

She is walking all over you, and you are letting her. And the more you let her, the more selfish she will act. Put a stop to it now. You need to explain that you find her actions selfish (dont forget the word actions) and then you walk away. You walk away and she will either reflect and cop on or she might not (be prepared for that).

How in the name of god could you put up with such ****e?

Catari Jaguar

Dump that bitch. Sounds completely emotionally backwards and immature and waaay to spoiled to be in a grown up relationship. She has you wrapped around her finger and you're begging for some lil scrap of appreciation/ love, or so your post makes out. Seriously, if she's making these stupid rules now where'l will it end?? where?? Dump her, yup yup yup!

Marksie

As you have said OP its your first relationship. From your posts though, it appears you have rasied the issues and communicated your dissatisfaction. Thats exactly what you should have done and she has ignored it.
It does appear that she is very much wanting to play by her rules, and comes across as not really caring.

In this instance the question you have to ask..is am i happy with this and do i want it continue, knowing that she will not change or perhaps even attempt to change.

The fact tha you would travel to Cork on the spur of the moment and that says something... There are plenty of women out there who WOULD appreciate that and would be much closer in terms of distance if nothing else.

So maybe it is best to end it otherwise you will just become more unhappy and frustrated

LegacyUser

'She did appreciate it! I just gave it as an example of things I tend to do whereas she never did anything as 'grand' as that for me.'

LundiMardi

Get rid of her quick smart.