Gf low libido

LegacyUser

I've been going out with my gf for nearly 4 years now, and though we've been pretty happy together, one problem in particular keeps coming up. Basically our sex drives are totally out of whack. I want it as much as I can get it, and she doesn't ever seem to want it at all. What's making it really difficult is that she refuses to talk about sex AT ALL. Every time i bring it up we have a row and inevitably I end up apologising for causing the row (though I am trying to be as sensitive as I can be while dealing with something I see as a problem).

I've asked her several times if there's anything in her past thats causing a problem for her but she insists that there isn't. Also, she tells me that all of her friends are the same as her though I know this isn't true (one of my buddies was with one of them for a while and she certainly was no prude!).

Is this just something I have to live with if I want to be with my gf? or is there a solution somewhere?

dudara

This is a terrible situation to be in and the fact that she's refusing to talk about it isn't helping at all. There are a couple of possibilities.

Firstly, her libido has suffered. This can happen in a long term relationship where it can be very hard to keep the spark alive. To overcome this, you need to talk. As someone in a long term relationship I can testify to the waxing and waning of desire at times, but ultimately, it's still there much as it was years ago, it's just a little different now.

Another possibility is that she doesn't find you attractive anymore (or may possibly be sleeping with someone else and therefore not wanting you).

There are many more possiblilites, and we can speculate all we want, but you won't know for certain until you sit down and talk to her.

LegacyUser

If she is on the pill I'd recommend coming off it for a while. Condoms for a while.

woolymammoth

frustrated wrote:

...our sex drives are totally out of whack.

frustrated wrote:

I've asked her several times if there's anything in her past thats causing a problem for her but she insists that there isn't.

It is possible that your missus just has a low sex drive. Now, while it's very true that,

dudara wrote:

..in a long term relationship ... it can be very hard to keep the spark alive..

it appears (to me anyway, from what you've told us) that it's been like this for most, if not all, of the relationship. low sex drives are a fact of life. It's not a disease, and not something everyone sees as a problem (though a lot do). There are things you can try to boost a persons sex drive, but they don't always work. So in answer to your question, yes, if it's that she's got a low sex drive, you will have to live with it and work through it (which means her talking about it) if you want to be with your gf!

The talking part is key. She's the only one who can answer this question for you.

Seraphina

well the OP said he's tried talking about it, and there's a row everytime.

honestly, it sounds like she doesn't want sex and couldn't give two ****s that you do. having a row every time you try to talk about it makes it obvious that she doesn't see it as a problem and gets pissed off when you try and bring it up.

i mean, how often would you guys have sex? if its really that bad, i'd consider ending it. i know it sounds awful, but its not fair on either of you if your sex drives differ so greatly. the frustration will probably lead to you cheating on her somewhere down the line, and thats not fair on her.

she's gotta learn to compromise. maybe she doesn't want sex because you dont do it for her? its it all me me me when you're at it?
i dunno, you gotta exhaust all other routes first i guess, romance, weekends away, massages etc etc. but at the end of the day, if she doesn;t want it, she doesn't want it.

if she says her friends are just like her, she probably thinks its perfectly normal to not want sex.

Talliesin

Ever see the bit in Annie Hall where they have a split screen so you can see both of the couple's separate therapy sessions and in one there's the conversation "How often do you have sex?" - "Hardly ever, about 2 or 3 times a week" and in the other there's the conversation "How often do you have sex?" - "Almost all the time, about 2 or 3 times a week".

Libidos amongst healthy people can vary considerably.

Framing your talking about about it in terms of assuming that she has some sort of problem is going to get you off on the wrong foot, even if she does.

You need to talk about the fact that you as a couple have a problem, not you or her individually.

Black Swan

Could be couple problem (not a good match)? Could be she is doesn't like it? Maybe the meds or contraceptives are depressing her desire? Might be the way you relate to her during those times? Heard one girl talk about how she had lost interest cause her b/f was into drinking a lot before, and she didn't want to bed a drunk. Hard to tell not knowing either of you, and not having enough info to go on in the OP.

LegacyUser

Here is just a long shot but I know its true for my other half....if you appear like you want it all the time,like every night it can be a turn off...my wife( and dont ask me why) likes to iniate sex...when she feels like it.If I were to try it on every night it just turns into a routine sort of thing and she loses intrest....

I dont really think you can compromise with sex...is it fair that two people have sexwhen one person is only doing it to please the other?...me personally couldnt have sex unless I knew my wife really wanted it aswell....

LegacyUser

'After the last row we had about this during the summer, she admitted that there was a problem and agreed that she would try to show some interest and in return I promised not to pester her (to address the point directly above). I tried my best and virtually stopped trying to initiate sex and the end result was that we had pretty much none at all since then.

We then had a row this week cos i brought up this, and she went back to the old line that it's my problem and she doesn't have a problem. She refused to talk about it any further, and stormed off. She has barely spoken to me since, which is pretty difficult as we share a bed.

My choice is, either finish it, or go back grovelling and apologising, which is what I've always done before.'

Seraphina

in the long run, finishing it would sound better to me.

do you really want to spend your life grovelling and apologising and begging for sex?

doesn't sound like much of a relationship to me tbh.

Sleepy

Finish it dude, if she doesn't want sex now, what's it gonna be like in another ten years?

LegacyUser

I was going out with a guy for 5 years and I went off it completely.

I knew I loved him, but this caused alot of problems. I didnt want, he did.

I felt very confused about our relationship during this time. Through no fault of his own, I felt less attracted to him. I was confused about where the relationship was heading.

He pestered me all the time. I used to say "Give me a chance to initiate it" but I never did. Ultimately he broke up with me and that gave me a big kick up the arse. Gave me time to thing about what I wanted. We broke up for about 2 months. During this time he found someone else too.

I know nothing about your situation, can only tell you my experience, so do what you think is best for you.

Ickle Magoo

She needs to discuss this with you. Sex in your relationship is a joint activity & so you have a joint problem...but you need to be able to discuss such issues now or you have no chance of overcoming them & moving forward within your relationship.

You need to get to the bottom of why she has a low libido...some people do have naturally higher libido's than others but I don't know any woman who doesn't want to have great, mutually beneficial, fun sex whenever they can get it. There tends to be other issues causing the lack of libido (image or confidence issues, past sexual encounters, tiredness, stress, guilt, worry over pregnancy, selfish partner, unsatisfying sex, etc, etc, etc) & it's these that need to be acknowledged & ironed out before she will start to enjoy things more & then want more of it. You can't do anything unless she is prepared to discuss & analyse why she isn't interested in having sex with you. I think sex is a huge part of most couples relationship and to close the door on any discussion regarding a problem in this area is a big no-no if you want your relationship to succeed....best of luck

bragan

Maybe you end up having a row about it, because she is very sensitive about it. I have a low sex drive, and I know that when my partner brings it up, I get very defensive, because A) i feel like there is something wrong with me, that im not fulfilling my end of the bargin as such, and C) that im letting him down. Try to see it from her side of things. Now sometimes i get very defensive about it, because i can't change it. It's just the way i am.

However, i'm a bit luckier because my partner doesn't have a REALLY high sex drive. He would be more in the average side of things, so its a bit easier for us. And i also make an effort. I try to be in the mood more, or make myself in the mood. But it isn't easy, and sometimes we end up having sex, when really, i don't want, or i don't care, or i not bothered, (and those times always sucks, and he always knows), So if she gives you sex when she isn't in the mood, it isn't going to help either. That's what we have learned.

bragan

kaiser1 wrote:

Here is just a long shot but I know its true for my other half....if you appear like you want it all the time,like every night it can be a turn off...my wife( and dont ask me why) likes to iniate sex...when she feels like it.If I were to try it on every night it just turns into a routine sort of thing and she loses intrest....

I dont really think you can compromise with sex...is it fair that two people have sexwhen one person is only doing it to please the other?...me personally couldnt have sex unless I knew my wife really wanted it aswell....

Also like to add that this is true. I would feel the same as his wife. Then you don't feel so pressured.

Mighty_Mouse

just tell her how frustrated you are that she wont even talk about it.
Tell her that if ye dont know exactly what each other is thinking in relation to sex then theres no hope.

Tell if you cant reach an understanding of what she wants, when she wants it, ie if ye cant have a mature relationship or even understanding..........then you're considering ending it.

Just be brutally honest.

And another thing mate..................no man should grovel, pester, beg etc etc etc etc Its fecking demeaning and as far as I know a real turn off for a woman.

If you have genuinely done something wrong apologise. but there's only a need to apologise once if your apology is genuine. I cringe at those blokes who look like there standing on a hot plate around their gf. Checking and double-checking that their "not in trouble".....................:o

If you actually havent done anything "wrong" but have a problem then say "do you wanna talk about this"?

if she says no...........then you're dating a child.

shapez

I can relate to this in every way. I was in a relationship with a girl for 2.5 years. She had a very, very low sex drive whereas I have a very high one.

Needless to say, we had all the arguements, all the talks, all the possible solutions, tried virtually everything.
In the end, I was so frustrated I thought I was the one with the problem!!

So unfortunately, we parted ways. It was for the best.

After a longterm relationship like that it is hard to move on but, to be honest I prefer to move on while you can rather than when you're both married.

PM me if you need any help.

Tazz T

I was in exactly the same situation myself. Ended up going on for seven years with me getting more and more fed up. In the end up I was finding it elsewhere, something I'm sure she knew about but turned a blind eye too. Altho we were good in many other ways, it just wasn't right. Finally we split up. it was the right thing to do. She, like your gf, wouldnt talk about it.

You really have to tell her that talking about it is the only way to save your relationship. In the end up, you may have to say this relationship doesn't work. In the light of day, sex is a big part of a relationship. Otherwise, as I used to say to my gf, it's like being flatmates.

Kell

Seraphina wrote:

in the long run, finishing it would sound better to me.

do you really want to spend your life grovelling and apologising and begging for sex?

doesn't sound like much of a relationship to me tbh.

Exactly what Seraphina said. It really does not sound like the two of you have a relationship at all so maybe its time to face the facts and move on. There is NO POINT in being in a realtionship where you are CONSTANTLY frustrated. FFS, I cant be in a relationship if I am frustrated in that department for more than a month.

K-

LegacyUser

'Oh yeah, I'm with my gf for a few years now and its got ridiculous. I like it a lot, she doesnt seem to like ever nemore, but it leads to pent up resentment anger and a lot of sexual frustration. I'm defo gonna break up with her soon because its just pushed us very far apart and as a result the relationship as a whole just isnt working.

My point here for the op is that thats just the way it is with a lot of girls, and maybe men too, who knows, but when it comes down to it you gota decide if the relationship is worth saving with the knowledge that u probably wont get a regular sex life. I no for me its not worth saving because the sex goes hand in hand with the way we used to get on, it used to be amazing but over years its turned sour. Whatever you'd prefer but dont expect things to improve'