Break in Trust

LegacyUser

I have always considered myself a strong-minded, independent, opinionated girl - and stemming from that, I have always vowed that if a guy were to cheat on me, I'd kick him; no questions, gone, finito.

Which brings me to my dilemma; a few months ago, I met the most wonderful guy in college. We hit it off instantly, and I fell in love (which, by the by, is a rarity for me) We were inseperable; joined at the hip, if you will. I couldnt stop smiling and life was great and blah blah blah.. Anyhow, as you might have figured, he cheated on me. I found out last week. At a party, whilst very intoxicated (the usual bs), he got together with some other girl.

My heart broke.

But going by my word, I ended it. I was devastated, as was he..

now this is the problem, he was ringing/texting non stop (until a while ago), and must have apologised literally 1000s of times. He sent me letters, gifts etc. Mutual friends say he's absoluting killing himself over this, to the point of where he wont really talk to or even go out anymore. They're even asking me to give him a 2nd chance, as he has become so depressed - and completely regrets everything he did. I dont even see him around college these days.

Now, I still love him. He still loves me. I know that he is genuinely cut up over what happened.. so it would just make sense to get back together, yeah?

I dont think I can. I could forgive him, but I could never forget. Trust is a huge issue to me.

What do you think? What would you do? Has anyone ever had a perfectly healthy relationship after an incident like this?? Can things ever be normal... any advice would be appreciated muchly..

LegacyUser

i couldn't take him back, drunk or not, its no excuse. knowing he conciously, flirted with chatted up and scored/slept with some other girl, id feel uttery betrayed. yeah people make mistakes, but at some stage in the senario he knew where things were leading with this girl and didn't stop it, i could never trust him again after that. no i don't think its possible to have a healthy relationship after a partner cheats.

King of Kings

go with your instinct.
There is nothing worse than mutual friend of a couple interfering when it goes wrong.
I believe they do it to make themsleves feel less awkward around you 2 rather than for your benefit.

I find (found!) that it's not the cheating that destroys the relationship but the weeks and months after when you end up
1. constantly checking up on them
2. asking them who,why and where
3. freaking out when they stay on their mates couch with telling you in advance

etc... etc....

I was there - i never got 100% proof of my ex- cheating (there was evidence - lies and bull**** stories and "jokey" erotic texts from some guy)

i forgave (she said there was nothing to forgive) but I turned into some paranoid freak afterwards which i never was ever before. we've now split.


forgiving is easy (especially if he is sorry) forgetting and trusting again is almost impossible.

free2fly

Do you trust him enough to get back together with him? Will you be able to trust him if he goes to party without you? Or will you be wondering and worrying about what he is doing? If you can't answer these questions with a "Yes I trust him" then don't get back together. It will not work and either one or both of you will end up hurt. Trust is a huge factor in any relationship.

Black Swan

girl_gutted wrote:

I dont think I can. I could forgive him, but I could never forget. Trust is a huge issue to me.

Have you answered your own question?

dr.bollocko

How far did the cheating go?
If the cheating went as far as sleeping with the other girl, then surely that has to be that?
Though it depends on the person, and the situation. It sounds like it was a first for you, falling for someone so hard.
It seems horribly ironic that he would be the first one to test your moral standpoint on fidelity, but when you look deeper, its obvious that this must be the first guy that made you want him back, even though you were cheated on. Hence this is the first time you have tested the theory that no matter who the guy was, if he cheated on you, you had to end it.

So it all comes down to whether this moral standpoint is more important to you than your immediate happiness.
If you know it is, then dont call him.
If you aren't sure, you could try it again. Once you were around him again you would be able to tell if you can truly forgive him. For you to truly forgive him you need to allay your fears, both rational and irrational, that he will cheat on you again. You would need to be safe in the knowledge that it won't happen again. (OK Nobody can ever be SURE) but if you can regain that trust that you had before he cheated on you then you will know that it is worth continuing the relationship.

How did you find out?

The Sweeper

There's a reason that "forgive and forget" is usually delivered as a phrase. You haven't really forgiven someone if you bring up what they did in fights, or completely change your behaviour toward them based on what they did and so on.

If he snogged some other bird and he really was drunk, I'd say give it another go, but talk it all out first. If he slept with her, it's a different kettle of fish.

People may wonder why I say that, but basically having sex with someone is a more involved process than just snogging them, and to be "I was drunk" is a less believeable excuse for sex than just for a momentary random snog.

If you do take him back though, be serious about it. It sounds like you've certainly made your point, and there's no point getting back together if it'll just be for the purpose of torturing both him and you from here on out.

LegacyUser

'em, that wasnt me at 21.56

I found out from a friend, and when confronted he confessed.

He slept with her.. I dont know, I think I may just need time to sort my head out.. so much confliction..

thanks for your replies'

Catari Jaguar

King of Kings wrote:

I find (found!) that it's not the cheating that destroys the relationship but the weeks and months after when you end up
1. constantly checking up on them
2. asking them who,why and when.

I would have to agree, the paranoia could end up driving you mad. This same thing happened with a friend of mine, seeing some guy about a month, some girl "kissed him while he was drunk" :rolleyes: They split, he was really apologetic... But after about a year she forgave him, and they've been back together for nearly a year. i wondered why if she was guna forgive him in the end why not do it straight away n not waste that year apart?

If you feel that you could let him go out to a party with that girl again w/o you and not get bothered, then forgive him. If not, don't. If you'd be happier with him, get back together, but not cos you feel bad that he's hurting and your friends are pressuring you.

Gordon

girl_gutted wrote:

'em, that wasnt me at 21.56

Thanks, I've removed the post.

Talliesin

I don't believe in forgiveness for itself, but I do think it can sometimes be good for one's own sanity.

Things do happen sometimes where someone goes much further beyond what limits their own morality puts on their behaviour, and they can indeed be exceptions that will not be repeated.

That said, while people can and do change, they tend not to. If there's more to this than a one-off, you'd have to be careful of any "it'll never happen again" promises.

If the two of you get back together, and he remains faithful and a proves to be a loyal, sensitive, caring and supportive partner to you but you're forever wondering about what he might be getting up to when you're not there it'll poison everything.

Nothing conclusive in what I have to say I'm afraid.

Loomis

I'm like you - I find it very hard to forgive someone for crossing me in any manner. And cheating is one thing I would never tolerate. Or I tell myself I wouldn't since I've never been cheated on and haven't been in that position yet.
I read your post and was thinking that maybe you should give him another go as, from what you describe, he seems destroyed over it.
But that was until you said he slept with the girl. I thought it was a kiss which is why I was leaning one way. Cheating on someone with a kiss seems much more childish, teenage behaviour which may be let go but sleeping with someone makes it much more grown up if you will. Like someone already said; he spent the night with a girl chatting her up, kissing and then sleeping with her. At some point he had that voice in his head saying it was wrong and he continued. To me that voice in his head telling him he's already done you wrong and to stop here before it gets worse, is his second chance since he's already cheated. You taking him back is too much. Next time he's in that situation the voice in his head might not stop him again but the memory of losing you might.
There has to be a consequence for him but if you take him back the only consequence for him was a few weeks feeling down but ultimately getting you back. Which is no consequence at all in my opinion

Kell

girl_gutted wrote:

a few months ago, I met the most wonderful guy in college.

:rolleyes:

girl_gutted wrote:

Now, I still love him. He still loves me.

Love after such a short time? Hmmn.

Dump his sorry ass. Its only been a waste of a few months of your time as opposed to a few years. Drop him before it happens again, and it will unless you drop him.

K-

Ickle Magoo

I would have to say I'd dump him & leave him dumped. I lived my relationship days with that ethos & the same goes for my marriage - if he cheats, I leave. End of.

I don't buy the "I was drunk" whiny excuses either. I've been drunk lots of times while in relationships, I've had offers & then remarkably I've managed to turn down advances while not making any of my own & remained faithful. I think anyone not able to complete such a simple example of basic self control is never going to be a competent partner for me & so it wouldn't work on so many levels anyway.

I would also keep torturing myself with worry & paranoia & lump that together with the dent in my self-esteem for doing it & the dent in my self-worth for taking him back & frankly why should I feel so bad because a man can't stay faithful to me...

ferdi

if he was sober enough to sleep with someone (physically speaking) then he should have been sober enough to know what he was doing was wrong.

when the trust is gone, whats the point?

Catari Jaguar

He SLEPT with her??? wel that TOTALLY changes things! For whatever amount of time he was with her, he was pretty much saying "I dont give a fcuk about my girlf." No respect for you. No second chances for him. Kick that fcuker to the kerb. I'm sorry that happened to you. Grrr!!:mad:

Dalfiatach

If he had sex with the girl, he wasn't that drunk. I speak as a fella And as others have said, people who have cheated once tend to do it again, eventually.

Yer still in college. A whole lifetime ahead of you, plenty more fish in the sea and all that. And yes, there will be other men in the future who you will like just as much as you originally liked this guy. All that romantic tosh about there being One And Only One True Love Out There is complete nonsense.

He should stay dumped. Maybe the experience will teach him to treat his next girlfriend with more respect. But if you take him back, no matter how sorry he is now, there's about an 80% chance he will cheat on you again, eventually.

A drunken snog when he was out of his mind on tequila (and might not even remember it) is one thing, but this is something else entirely.

BeardyGit

This is a whole different ballgame to a bit of a drunken kiss. If he was enough in control to manage a shag while blotto, he was enough in control to know exactly what he was doing - Cheating on you.

Some people deserve to be miserable - So let him be. You deserve better than that, and there are better men than him to share your love with.

I wish people wouldn't do this to each other. Sorry for you.

cordelia

Aren't the first few months of a relationship the time when you're supposed to be going at it like rabbits? He's supposed to be unable to keep his hands off YOU, not off of other women.
He probably is very sorry that he cheated. He probably was pissed out of his head. So what? Sorry, no excuse. It means he has either a) in need of controlling his ID or b) in need of controlling his drinking amounts.
I'm sorry that you are hurting. Hell, I'm even sorry that he's hurting (he's probably,normally, a decent enough fella). But he made the choice and now he's dealing with the consequences.
The question is: are you willing to deal with the consequences as well? It's something only you can decide.
Personally, if someone did this to me during the initial honeymoon stage of the relationship, I'd be shattered. Then I'd tell him good luck and god speed and close the door behind me.

Idbatterim

Op fair play to you, i have asked people would they end it if they were cheated on and some said they didnt know or probably not, in my opinion they are either lacking in confidence, self esteem or are mad. I dont know about other posters but the drunk factor isnt an exscuse. I still know 100% when im drunk if what i am doing is right or wrong, people who are prone to cheating are prone to cheating, there must be some decency lacking in them. I say this becuase sometimes when thinking to myself i ask myself would i ever cheat, and the answer is an emphatic no, if you want to sleep around etc just end it, the repecussions, guilt, trust etc of not doing this are just unbelievable. The thing is whether he has cheated before only he knows, but things will have permanently changed, when hes out, away on holidays, in college, work whatever are you ever going to trust him again? cause if not your head in my opinion would be a wreck. If things were so great why did he go and ruin them? it must be really awful, but stick to your guns, you say you are a strong minded, independent, opinionated girl, something which if you look around nowadays are not to common, stick to yours guns, dont be walked over. Let him pay the price. Best of luck whatever decision you reach.

DUBJEN

girl-gutted, I ended up with a guy at the start of my relationship that wasn't my boyf. Like that I was drunk and just thought to hell with it, but I regretted it big time the next morning and decided as I really liked my boyf I would have to tell him. Needless to say he was gutted, I was gutted but he decided to give me another chance and now we've been 2gether 5yrs since that and I have never ever done it again. Were both very happy 2gether but I can tell you it never goes away although he said he forgave me he has brought it up about 3 times when we've had big fights etc but I can't blame it for that.
All I can say is if it feels right to give him a 2nd chance you should do it you can still be happy together.
If you feel like you can't thats your decision and you will meet someone else.

LegacyUser

'I was in a similar situation to you a while back OP, know its tough. i will say this though, don't let hypotheticals affect your decision. you're saying you didn't think you'd give someone another chance if they cheated, who cares? I don't mean be a pushover, but if you feel you want to give things another go and that you can FORGET what happened (v important!) by all means do.
I'm saying this, because one of my main issues with forgiving was I felt in my own head I was contradicting what i was all about, basically letting other peoples' opinions impact my decision. if you believe what he's saying, and you feel you want to, give it a shot.
As well, I've been on the 'giving' end of cheating, v. drunk, blah-de-blah, and felt as guilty and cut-up as if i'd been cheated on myself. Sometimes people make mistakes, i'd always seen myself as someone who could never do that to a boyf, turns out i was, and i've learned that theres a whole load of shades of grey about these situations.
maybe meet with him before you decide what to do, you're probably missing him as well as hurting, so even though it'd be tough, it could get rid of the pining/missing and help you think more objectively'