Stuck with bullying friend!

katiegordon

please any help or advice you have to offer i would really appreciate it!!I realise its a longpost but im at my wits end!!
I feel like im being bullied and to make it worse its one of my close"friends".I'm in sixth year and while it may not seem like a huge deal ive just got so much else on my mind right now that i really dont need the hassle.This situation is REALLY getting me down and i should stress that im normally such a happy-go-lucky person!!
Basically this "friend" is continually and blatantly putting me down and slagging me and im sick of it!!Im usually a very non-confrontational person but the two of us are constantly bickering, so its not like i havnt tried to stand up to her!However at the end of the day im completely useless at fighting so she always gets her own way.She has no time for anyone elses point of view.On top of all this she somehow makes me out to be the one whos ignorant and spoilt and thats the worst part.
Now if it were only her id obviously just distance myself from her, however literally all my close friends are in the group ie. the one shes in and i have no-one (and i mean no-one, im wrecking my brains here) to talk to about it!All my other friends are oblivious to her ways(and when i say oblivious i mean they think the sun shines out of her ass!)Shes quite a charismatic person so i can see why they wouldnt, especially when she doesnt pick on anyone else.
To tell the truth i feel trapped, i dont want to ruin my other friendships by fighting with her.
Dont bother saying try to talk to her cause i know shell make me feel bad and at this stge i just want to get away from her!!:(
edit:just realised i may have made it sound like all my other friends were bulying me aswell but theyre not, theyre great girls!!

Red Alert

Time to give as good as you get. Make her lose the next argument in front of the others - i hate saying it but sometimes these gang need a taste of their own medicine.

Good luck

katiegordon

hey thanks!well i have been trying to ya know basically do what shes doing, slagging her off and all but at the end of the day thats only creating more tension and turning me into a horrible person which i DO NOT want to be!!
As for arguing with her please believe me when i say ive no hope!!lol Have you ever had an argument with someone where you know no matter what point you make the other person just has to say one thing and theyll have won, no matter how stupid their point is??Now i dont no how she does it, but believe me she can!!

LegacyUser

'obviously shes jealous of you for some reason
surely if shes putting you down in front of your friends they must have noticed it??'

tbh

I think in this case embarassement is your friend. it sounds to me like your friend is trying to make herself look good by putting you down - a common tactic at that age. The trick is to turn it against her, and make her look childish. So, the next time she starts picking on you, ask her why she's doing it. Now, in this tactic, the key is the execution. You have to stay calm, I can't stress that enough. If you get upset, she will win. the image you are trying to portray is that you are above petty arguments, and you are genuinely puzzled as to why it's important to her. Don't start any arguments with her, and don't try and force the issue. The next time all your friends are talking and she starts slagging you just calmly ask "listen, you seem to spend a lot of time slagging me, would you rather I didn't hang around with you or something?" Of course, if she says yes, and your friends agree, then you have to deal with that, but it sounds like you'd be better off without them anyway. If you are in sixth year now, you probably won't be friends with many of them in a couple of years anyway - thats just the way life goes. The only reason you are friends is that your parents bought a house in the same area theirs did, you are thrown together, not drawn together.

My bet is she won't like the embarrassment, and she'll look for an easier target. That's what bullies do.

Anyway, hope that works out for you and if it does, and she stops doing it, I want you to do me a favour. If another girl starts getting the same treatment, don't join in. I'm not saying you have to stop her, although you really should, but at least don't make it worse.

Black Swan

Think that tbh is correct. Remain calm and draw attention to her inappropriate behaviour. Oh, I wouldn't do it in front of your mutual friends, as suggested by others in this thread, but rather one-on-one.

twanda

I had the very same problem with a friend when I was in school.
She never let me feel good about myself, but she was soo nice when other people were around. There were only 3 of us who used to hang around together.
When I look back now, I don't know why I stayed hanging round with her so long but one day I decided I had had enough of her.
I never called to her house again. It was difficult to begin with, as my other friend still hung around with her, and like I said, there were only the three of us, but somehow it worked out.

We had just done our leaving certs at the time, and after leaving school eveyone seemed to go their own way - you will too -and it seemed easier that way to break ties with her. I never regretted it. She was a drain on my happiness and my self confidence. That's not a friend.

10 years on, I hear this girl still makes my other friend feel like s**t and sulks when she doesn't get her own way. Looks like I did the right thing.

You could try to limit the amount of contact you have with your friend. Don't phone her or call to her house - don't initiate anything. If she meets up with you and your friends around the town, fine. That's not your doing. She may well get the message that you are tired of her carry on, and she might just cop on. Otherwise she's no loss.

katiegordon

tbh wrote:

I think in this case embarassement is your friend. it sounds to me like your friend is trying to make herself look good by putting you down - a common tactic at that age. The trick is to turn it against her, and make her look childish. So, the next time she starts picking on you, ask her why she's doing it. Now, in this tactic, the key is the execution. You have to stay calm, I can't stress that enough. If you get upset, she will win. the image you are trying to portray is that you are above petty arguments, and you are genuinely puzzled as to why it's important to her. Don't start any arguments with her, and don't try and force the issue. The next time all your friends are talking and she starts slagging you just calmly ask "listen, you seem to spend a lot of time slagging me, would you rather I didn't hang around with you or something?" Of course, if she says yes, and your friends agree, then you have to deal with that, but it sounds like you'd be better off without them anyway. If you are in sixth year now, you probably won't be friends with many of them in a couple of years anyway - thats just the way life goes. The only reason you are friends is that your parents bought a house in the same area theirs did, you are thrown together, not drawn together.

My bet is she won't like the embarrassment, and she'll look for an easier target. That's what bullies do.

Anyway, hope that works out for you and if it does, and she stops doing it, I want you to do me a favour. If another girl starts getting the same treatment, don't join in. I'm not saying you have to stop her, although you really should, but at least don't make it worse.

this seems like really sensible advice and i may well give it a go!!However i have a good feeling what shell say back to me : "youre just so slaggable" and shell say it in a joking way and somehow then its supposed to be okay.
you see, Im the type of person who can laugh at myself, and tbh id say this is the reason she thinks she can get away with it. i dont mind people laughing at me if i can genuinely see the funny side but she takes it miles too far, and seems to try to find things to laugh and slag me about.

beans

This type of 'social springboarding' is pretty common from my experience and from talking to people. I've seen situations where the person being bullied rides it out, and eventually the onlookers realise what a dick the bully is being (and themeselves for facilitating it) when their true colours come out.

I don't think fighting fire with fire is a good idea here, as in directing bullyish behaviour to the person in question when in a group. Rather next time it happens, take stock of what she's done and why it makes you feel bad. Take her up on in one-on-one, try not to get mad or emotional, just let her know about it. See how things develop from there.

It may feel like an impossible situation, as you are all tied together by the group. That group dynamic is more than likely about to change with leaving school, and things won't feel so claustraphobic then.

Beruthiel

tbh advice is perfect.

Also, it might feel like a long time to you but you'll be finished school in no time and it's off to college where you will make loads of new friends and you can drop her like a hot potatoe.

daithimac

I recently ended a couple friendships that were like this. there were all the slight put downs and insults that would be thrown about for now reason and if I said how much this was pissing me off the only response would be " ah I'm just having a laugh" "will ya cop on" and remarks like your so arrogent if I displayed any kind of independant self confidence
Eventually when thay started to get what I considered to be controling I ended up picking a fight and ending the friendship. I have to say that although difficult it has to be one of the best decisions of my life. I nearly instantly lost my defencive combatitive edge which I had built up to protect myself with. became much more naturally confident ( I had been faking it up until then) and made a number of new friends in no time and even met a wonderful girl who I adore
I would not recommend that you get into a constant slagging match, like you said its not the person you want to become. I do think you may need to end the friendship even considering the price yo have to pay. It could end up being the makings of your adult life, and as someone said if your planning to go to college these people may not even matter this time next year.
The only other thing i would say is to make sure you do not graddually get sucked back in. I still meet with the two friends I left behind but when I do its very briefly and on my terms.
Good luck

LegacyUser

'I've just seen this thread, so apologies for starting it up again. I feel I'm in the same situation as you, KatieGordon, although I'm twelve years down the line! I've known my friend for about fourteen years, and at different times over the years, she has put me down personally. I always laughed it off, or pretended it didn't matter, but it used to get me so down. And it's still getting me down. She was particularly vitriolic towards me at a friends birthday last year. I think however that she puts me down because she is jealous of what I have, or of good things that happen to me (like everyone else though, I've been through good and bad). Maybe she's doing it because she's having a bad time herself (no excuse imo).
So I'm wondering if you used the advice on boards, and did everything work out? I'd like a few pointers!!'

limklad

Unreg1992 wrote:

'I've just seen this thread, so apologies for starting it up again. I feel I'm in the same situation as you, KatieGordon, although I'm twelve years down the line! I've known my friend for about fourteen years, and at different times over the years, she has put me down personally. I always laughed it off, or pretended it didn't matter, but it used to get me so down. And it's still getting me down. She was particularly vitriolic towards me at a friends birthday last year. I think however that she puts me down because she is jealous of what I have, or of good things that happen to me (like everyone else though, I've been through good and bad). Maybe she's doing it because she's having a bad time herself (no excuse imo).
So I'm wondering if you used the advice on boards, and did everything work out? I'd like a few pointers!!'

Bullies have poor self esteem so they have a need to feel good about themselves by putting down others. They usually pick a easy mark in their eyes that would not be able to fight back. The next time the bullies degrades you. Think of it like a complent to yourself so you dont get upset, and feel sorry for her and say in a clam manner "I been feeling so down lately, so Thank you for bullying me to pick up my self esteem, By bullying me you are also telling me that you feel worst than me, I feel so sorry for you now". again i repeat this must be genuine. By been cruel you will achieve the opposite affect.
This must be done in front of others that she sucks up to. It will put her on the spot to think about her actions. If she gets aggressive then her true colours will be shown to others. You will find out who you real friends are and there true colours when this happens.
They more information on http://www.bullyonline.org/
Keep the smile and be keep it cool :cool:

chump

tbh is no back-seat driver. He may have a hand-to-mouth existence but he's no damsel in distress. Be a happy-go-lucky person, no horseplay. You'll be behind the 8-ball. It's important to be slow to anger, you'll see the light. A thimble full of something.

LegacyUser

I haven't been able to talk to my friends about this because she knows them too (and I wouldn't want to really because it would feel like I was b*tching plus I'd lose all credibility), so thank you for the advice...I really appreciate it.
I think it's about time I stood up for myself !!*roll up sleeves*

LegacyUser

'I was in exactly the same position 4 years ago when I was in 6th Year. Group of 3 girls, all supposed to be best friends but one of them constantly put me down and the other two just laughed. They also stitched me up on various occasions. I told the main one to **** off and I never wanted to see her again, 6 months later as soon as I got to college I got rid of the other two. They were kind of on her side anyway (she's one of these "charismatic" types, she has a way of getting people on her side). Best thing I ever did. You wouldn't believe it, how much better you'll feel. It was such a huge weight off my shoulders. Look this girl is not your friend, it is her that has the problems, not you. She won't change, people like this never do. I used to take so much **** from these girls and once I got rid of them I realised, actually I will be OK without them. It made me so much stronger and I have made loads of much better friends now in college who ACCEPT me for who I am. These days if someone isn't being a good friend they get the boot. I don't grin and bear it and cry when I'm alone like I did with those girls. I don't turn a blind eye only for it to happen again a week later. Don't feel you have to be friends with her because you've been friends with her for x amount of years, if she doesn't care about that then neither should you.

Having said all this, if you do get rid of her, you might still miss her sometimes, but you've got to soldier on without her. She's only dragging you down.'

AnonoBoy

chump wrote:

tbh is no back-seat driver. He may have a hand-to-mouth existence but he's no damsel in distress. Be a happy-go-lucky person, no horseplay. You'll be behind the 8-ball. It's important to be slow to anger, you'll see the light. A thimble full of something.

What?





Seriously. What?

Beruthiel

If I see one more rubbish comment like that from chump, he's banned.
B

Zambia

I was bullied in school , and every time it ended the same way. I fought back took my kicking (in some cases) but as long as you stand up to them it tends to get better. The worst thing you can do is lie down and let anyone walk on you.

limklad

Zambia232 wrote:

I was bullied in school , and every time it ended the same way. I fought back took my kicking (in some cases) but as long as you stand up to them it tends to get better. The worst thing you can do is lie down and let anyone walk on you.

I second that, I too was bullied, in school (teachers/pupils, parents, and sibling) since i was very young and when i stop taking their physical/verbal/emtional abuse and stand up to them and let them know, I no longer stand for it. Life intially got harder for some time. As they were losing their power over me they got more abusive, but i kept firm and other people started noticing their abuse. They also releaised they lost. Since I started taking my life in my own hands, life got better and I got more confident in dealing with problems, that i faced in life. So I too and many other through the world are proof of a better life, you dont have to be rich to have a better life. Become the person you want to be, You will be stronger confident as a result.
Love yourself as you love those you care for, your worth it.

dame

When she slags just smile/laugh it off if you can then immediately slag her about something and smile sweetly at her.....she'll get the message.

limklad

dame wrote:

When she slags just smile/laugh it off if you can then immediately slag her about something and smile sweetly at her.....she'll get the message.

you dont need to go down to her level, it gives her an excuse to keep going down a circular spiral. It only leave you worst than her. Revenge always backfire. It is only a matter ot time. Rise above it.:cool:

turbot

Do this:

1) Think of the toughest females you know, someone the bully would never be able to bully, and be naturally afraid of.

For example, how would your favourite tough female movie star react? What about Margaret Thatcher? What about Uma Therman in Kill Bill, or perhaps someone else you consider to be physically and emotionally tough as nails.

2) In your imagination, for each one, literally imagine watching the bully trying to bully them, and them handling it brilliantly.

3) In your imagination, for each one, then imagine stepping into their shoes, and then imagine the bully trying to bully you, while you feel like the tougher female. See it through their eyes. Feel their strength and learn from it.

Notice the difference and learn from it.

4) Then visualise yourself behaving with the equivalent level of personal strength, and what you've learned, and feel yourself staying strong despite her behaviours towards you

4) Step into yourself, with this kind of awareness and energy, and feel power from the inside out. It may help to imagine the bully wearing a ridiculous outfit, for example,

5) Practice this until whenever the bully tries to put you down, you feel more powerful as an automatic response to the situation.

6) Imagine yourself in a bubble of white light, and visualise this bubble totally dissolving any hostility coming from the girl who has been bullying you

7) Imagine the bully wearing something really ridiculous, and behaving clumsily until you laugh at her. Next time she says anything to you, laugh in the same way.

Et voila, you'll gain more personal power and feel better.

dame

turbot wrote:

Do this:

1) Think of the toughest females you know, someone the bully would never be able to bully, and be naturally afraid of.

For example, how would your favourite tough female movie star react? What about Margaret Thatcher? What about Uma Therman in Kill Bill, or perhaps someone else you consider to be physically and emotionally tough as nails.

2) In your imagination, for each one, literally imagine watching the bully trying to bully them, and them handling it brilliantly.

3) In your imagination, for each one, then imagine stepping into their shoes, and then imagine the bully trying to bully you, while you feel like the tougher female. See it through their eyes. Feel their strength and learn from it.

Notice the difference and learn from it.

4) Then visualise yourself behaving with the equivalent level of personal strength, and what you've learned, and feel yourself staying strong despite her behaviours towards you

4) Step into yourself, with this kind of awareness and energy, and feel power from the inside out. It may help to imagine the bully wearing a ridiculous outfit, for example,

5) Practice this until whenever the bully tries to put you down, you feel more powerful as an automatic response to the situation.

6) Imagine yourself in a bubble of white light, and visualise this bubble totally dissolving any hostility coming from the girl who has been bullying you

7) Imagine the bully wearing something really ridiculous, and behaving clumsily until you laugh at her. Next time she says anything to you, laugh in the same way.

Et voila, you'll gain more personal power and feel better.

Somebodies been reading Paul McKenna "Instant Confidence".....it is excellent advice though.