why do i keep hurting him

LegacyUser

can anyone help me figure myself out! stupid question i know but i cant understand why i get the way i do with my bf sometimes..going out together
for 3 years, however for the last two years i pick fights with him completely out of the blue..stupid things but its me always making it out that he's done something wrong or not putting enough effort into the relationship etc..
i seem to do this to him once every month or so and he's getting so fed up with it(wouldnt blame him) and its ruining our relationship. i did it again last saturday night and we have not spoken since... can anyone help me figure out why i get like this coz i really cant understand it myself...

Beruthiel

This is just a guess of course, but I bet you expect him to be Don Juan 24/7. To you he's not 'making enough effort', I'm betting he thinks he's doing plenty.
You have self esteem and confidence issues, if you were comfortable in your skin you'd know he's with you cos you're fab and he knows and understands that.
The fact that you don't get this is your problem.
You do understand that you will loose him in the end if you keep up that kind of childish behaviour? Today is wednesday and you haven't spoken since saturday, honestly, I'm not sure how anyone would put up with that on a regular basis. You are either happy to be with him or you are not. If you are happy with him, bite your tongue and cut him some slack.

Gordon

You do this once a month you say? Could it be pmt?

LegacyUser

i understand what your saying, thing is i never was like this in the first year of our relationship... i work by day and he works by night in a bar so we dont see each other on a daily basis.. he droons on about other women all the time so i dont know if this is something that has made me feel insecure in the relationship as he had a colourful past with women before he met me so im probably just waiting for him to do the dirt on me like he did with he's previous girlfriends.. i just want to stop being like this and get back to the laid back, fun loving person i was when i first met him

Beruthiel

wreckingitall wrote:

he droons on about other women all the time

Have you told him you're not interested in hearing about other women?
also
anything to Gordons comment?

LegacyUser

i have often thought that it could be PMT seeming i get like that every month or so and started taking remedies to help with PMT but im still getting like this. I have told him loads of times im not interested in him talking about other women, dont mind him saying girls are good looking but my bf could go on for twenty mins about a particular girl which is painful stuff to be listening to esp. when my friends and family are around, its embarrassing. once or twice he has called me from the bar at 1am and just said " oh you should see the talent here tonight, its unreal" and then just hang up..

shapez

wreckingitall wrote:

dont mind him saying girls are good looking but my bf could go on for twenty mins about a particular girl which is painful stuff to be listening to esp. when my friends and family are around, its embarrassing. once or twice he has called me from the bar at 1am and just said " oh you should see the talent here tonight, its unreal" and then just hang up..

Now that's just plain downgrading and disrespectful.

To be honest, he is trying to make you feel very insecure about yourself while mentioning other women. Which is probably why you would spark a row/fight over the smallest thing.

In my opinion, you are doing as much as you can to revert back to how things were. I repect that of you.

However, if your bf makes you feel insecure more and more, you will not see the laid back, fun loving person you were if you continue to date him.

sexkitten

Why does he do that?? what a way to make you feel like ****. I wouldn’t stand for that, no wonder you think he might do the dirt on you. Does your bf pay you enough attention? Cause I know with me sometimes when things get boring with my bf and he doesn’t really bother I sometimes pick at the smallest thing, just to the a reaction. Even if its not a good reaction. I don’t really know why I do it either but maybe it’s the same for you???

Ickle Magoo

wreckingitall wrote:

I have told him loads of times im not interested in him talking about other women, dont mind him saying girls are good looking but my bf could go on for twenty mins about a particular girl which is painful stuff to be listening to esp. when my friends and family are around, its embarrassing. once or twice he has called me from the bar at 1am and just said " oh you should see the talent here tonight, its unreal" and then just hang up..

Sorry, why are you with this guy? He is taunting you about other women & trying to make you feel insecure & unloved. He discusses other women at length in front of your friends & family & embarrasses you. I can see why you start the fights, I just can't see why you would ever want to resolve them...

Tobias Greeshman

How does your bf react if you keep going on about some guy you fancy?

Does it bother him if you rang him from a pub at 12:30 on a Saturday night talking about the amount of good looking guys around, and the one's that have been chatting you up? Not saying you would do this, but do you think if you did it'd be water off a ducks back or the introduction of the green eyed monster?

Beruthiel

Ickle Magoo wrote:

Sorry, why are you with this guy? He is taunting you about other women & trying to make you feel insecure & unloved. He discusses other women at length in front of your friends & family & embarrasses you. I can see why you start the fights, I just can't see why you would ever want to resolve them...

Agreed
If the OP had mentioned all this in her first post, my advice would have been totally different. I wouldn't tolerate someone who treats me that way. He has no respect.

MojoMaker

wreckingitall wrote:

i just want to stop being like this and get back to the laid back, fun loving person i was when i first met him

In reality, during the early days of the relationship you blocked out his true personality and behaviour because you were either obsessed with him or determined you could change him - the old "it'll be fine cos I'll bring him round" theory. This hasn't happened and now you're seeing what your bloke is really like. He hasn't changed anything of his own behaviour, the rose-tinted specs are finally off (I sincerely hope).

Anyone who engages in the emotional cruelty that you two obviously inflict on each other (no blame here) should be sent back to nursery school to try growing up again.

Bottom line: There is zero future in this relationship. Once a bloke loses respect for a girl (painfully obvious from your post) it never comes back. EVER. Same is true the other way around of course, lest you think I'm being one-sided here. Dump him before he dumps you and don't cod yerself. Sorry

LegacyUser

i have talked about his behaviour to him so many times, sometimes he says he doesnt mean to do it, othertimes he makes out that im only being jealous and that its shallow of me if i think he isnt allowed to say a girl is good looking, and for a while i actually believed him thinking that maybe i was jealous but i know that im not that type of person.. i often remark on a girls looks myself! but there is a fine line between admiring someone's beauty and carrying on the way my bf does and this is what i cant get through to him...

free2fly

He obviously has no respect for you OP. If he cared about you he wouldn't be treating you like that. Especially since you have told him that it bothers you. Relationships do not work without trust and respect. I would also recommend that you get out now before he does something that really hurts you. If he can't respect you then you need to respect yourself and move on.

Black Swan

You pick fights and he taunts you? Neither of you seem to be happy with the other, so why continue? Might be time to move on?

Talliesin

It's one thing for him to say someone is pretty. I certainly wouldn't feel bad saying someone is pretty in front of my gf except that she always seems to notice the pretty people before I do anyway (she's reading over my shoulder and says she doesn't, but she so does). It's quite another for him to wax lyrical on the subject, especially if its about girls he's near while you're somewhere else.

Meanwhile you're fighting is causing a nasty cycle. You feel he isn't putting much effort into the relationship. He is putting lots of effort into the relationship - but all the effort is going into dealing with the fights. He's getting emotionally fatigued and will have less effort to bring to the relationship and there's going to be another fight.

Those pretty girls are going to start looking prettier to him. The lack of effort is going to seem deeper to you and it'll get worse and worse.

He does mean something when he talks as he does. One way or another he's playing with you - but not necessarily (or even probably) conciously.

You do mean something when you pick fights with him. One way or another you're playing with him - but not necessarily (or even probably) conciously.

You both need to work out what you both mean if you're going to be with each other and that isn't going to be something that drives the two of you completely nuts.

Relationship counselling may not be a bad idea.

AngryBadger

Kind of sounds like your bf is a spanner if he's ringing you just to tell you how hot the talent is.

But as ever we're only hearing one side of the story...

dudara

AngryBadger has phrased it rather concisely there.

daithimac

the guys a D1ck. the ringing you up to say how hot the girls are where he is sounds like someone who is playing mindgames to try and make you more needy and eager to please. I'd turn the tables and act disinterested or talk about guys more. should make him cut that ****e out

The title of the thread seems to suggest that the games have been working too

LegacyUser

i texted my bf yesterday evening to say he's stupid talk about women was only a way of him making him self feel better and me to feel more insecure... told him it was something he had to deal with that putting people your supposed to love down wasnt right.. of course he never texted back... then last night i rang him...he told me he didnt feel he had to answer my text as "it didnt streghtenen him enough". whatever that meant...went out with my friends the last night and text him saying "oh theres some talent here tonight, fine fellas with fine bodies, unreal" just to give him a taste of his own medicine.. of course got no reply and still havent heard from him..

Beruthiel

I wouldn't have thought texting the best way to discuss this particular problem, a face to face conversation would have been the way to go about it.
Teenagers text.
Adults talk.

LegacyUser

i agreed, texting is for adults but u should try talking to my bf, at least i felt with a text he can re-read it so see if anything would register with him...

free2fly

wreckingitall wrote:

went out with my friends the last night and text him saying "oh theres some talent here tonight, fine fellas with fine bodies, unreal" just to give him a taste of his own medicine.. of course got no reply and still havent heard from him..

Sorry but now you're just playing games. The two of you need to sit down face-to-face and either work out your problems or end the relationship.

Talliesin

Yep. Sorry, but this seems to be on a par to chanting "poo-poo head" and blocking his path to the schoolyard rather than something that can help your relationship.