Help with lousy family

LegacyUser

Hi folks.

Would really appreciate any advice here, so thanks in advance...

My gran has Alzheimers. She went from being of sound mind to not remembering who my mother(her daughter) is since july of this year. My mother has visited her everyday since grandad died 7 years ago, yet gran thinks she is some stranger.

My mother gave up work to look after her, and although she has 5 siblings, no one will help her. In fact, when she asked my uncle to come down for an hour, he said "you took this on yourself." He lives 5 mins drive away. He has used every excuse under the sun as to why he can't look after her including he had to get an important injection. My aunt who's a nurse used the excuse that she had a kidney infection and didn't want to pass it on. Basically, my mothers family are a shower of lazy b******s. I'm really worried about my mam though. She has to spend all day, and most nights with my gran. She's obviously hurt that gran has no idea who she is even though it seems mam's the only one to care. Mam's never at home anymore. My little bro usually has to get himself up in the mornings, get ready for school, prepare own lunch etc and he's only in 5th class. Gran misplaces her money very often, than accuses mam of stealing it. She knows exactly who me, my brothers and dad are and if we're with her, she goes on about how hurt she is that my mam didn't visit even if my mother right beside her. What's killing mam is that when gran dies, she will have thought that she never visited her.

Does anyone have any suggestion on how I could get my uncles and aunt to cope the f**k on before mam has a nervous breakdown??? I'm really worried about her.

Beruthiel

My Gran was as difficult to take care of near the end. My mother and aunt did their best, but it got to the stage where they couldn't cope.
There was a nursing home in the town which would take my Gran for part of the day, giving them both a break. Near the end she had to go to the nursing home full time.
It sounds to me like your Ma is going to have to take this option, it's too much for her and she needs to realise that.

Lynfo

Firstly, I'm so sorry to hear about your troubles. My Grandad was like that before he died, he couldn't remember who my Dad was but knew everybody else, it's absolutely heartbreaking.
I'm wondering if you can get a part time carer in to help out with your gran, this is really too much for your mam to take on by herself - if not a carer, then perhaps a nursing home is the next best option.
Speak with a GP, or check out http://www.alzheimer.ie to see if you can get any info on home help.
On the auntie & uncle front, not a lot you can do really, it's a decision they will have to make themselves and if they haven't done it already, they may never cop on. Perhaps it's the guilt getting to them, I really don't know, but I wish you luck with whatever you decide to do.

LegacyUser

a lady from the alzheimers association comes sometimes, just to give mam a break. it would be easier if she was in a home. but she is quite content pottering about, in her home. We tried get her to move in with us, but she cried and cried and just wanted to be home. A nursing home would be the end. And the woman from the association doesn't think she needs to go into one yet.

humanji

Now, without knowing your aunt and uncle (they really could be a pair of f****), but it might be a case that they're scared to see your gran in case she has forgotten them in the same way as she has forgotten you mum. It might be too much for them to bare?

Beruthiel

Has your Ma tried to have a family meeting so they can all come to some sort of agreement?

Dan133269

with regards to your little brother, could you not give him a hand in the mornings? does your father go to work early?

LegacyUser

'The exact same thing happened with my fathers family when his father, my grandad became very ill through a series of strokes & cancer. His loss of independence made him a very irritable man & his mental health deteriorated rapidly.

This was compounded by the fact that of his 11 children my Dad & one or two of his sisters were the only one's who helped to look after him. The sisters did so grudgingly & played the martyr for the entirety of his long illness. Going into a home would have taken away the very last bit of pleasure he got out of life and the thoughts of it would send him to tears. It was so difficult to see a man who was once so strong , both of character & physical strength reduced to that state.

All his children , save one or two, lived in the same town !

At his funeral, they all roared crying, crocodile tears & I will never think of them the same way again. To this day, they will not acknowledge how much they failed their own father in the toughest time of this life.

You cannot make people do the right thing here, all you can do is help your Mam as much as you can , perhaps seek the aid of some home help & remind her constantly that what she is doing is probably one of the most important things a child can do for a parent.'

LegacyUser

'i'm up and out for college by the time he's getting up. my other bro gives him a hand too sometimes though.

she's tried having meetings but the way thay see it is - my mam lives closest to gran. i mean, why should they disturb their lives seeing how mam so close.

and they actually are a shower of a******s. last year, my uncle gave me 5euro for christmas. ive never gotten so much as a card from my aunt. they incredibly scabby. but they'll be first in line when gran dies looking for their part inheritance. '

~Leanne~

Our family went through the same a a few years ago. My gran developed alzehimers (sp) and my mam looked after her full-time. My other aunts / uncles would call to visit and just sit there for an hour and go. They had no idea that my mam had to wash my gran / change her / feed her and clothe her!
Eventually it got too much and my nan is now in a home. She does not know who my mam or any other family member is.

You say your nan is living in her own house. Does she be a alone at night? I know we could not leave our nan alone at all as she would be switching on kettles and constantly falling. For that reason also we had no choice but to put her into a home.

Good luck and i hope everything works out in the end. It is a hard time for any family and most of us face it at sometime in our life!