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Please rate 1-10!!! :P

  • 14-11-2006 10:16pm
    #1
    Krtswim
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6 ✭


    Ok so, im only 13 so this might not be my best, also i dont speak like this at all well anyways here it goes:

    When The Fierce And Mighty Come Toward You

    By: Carey Sullivan



    Aye!!!! Alas, it has reached thy deserted homeland, not a soul within 40 miles around me. Though the many fearful faces told me before abandoning our righteous homeland, “Thou may come if fear has overcome thy bravery, but thou shall never see thy bountiful homeland again.” Indeed thy homeland is much more important to my life than my caution of the storm, so I will stay for my Bravery has overcome my fears and if I go I shall never see these wondrous plains again. It’s here. I stand with the protection of God and the pride of a turtle praises it’s shell. For I have full confidence I shall live.


Comments

  • #2
    Odaise Gaelach
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,235 ✭✭✭Odaise Gaelach


    Right... I'm just a little confused. I'm assuming that this is the opening of a story.

    Well... there's nothing in it that really grabs my attention. You need something in it that'll make the reader want to read more.

    Another thing, also. I think that you need to put paragraphs in the story. It would make the story flow much better and make it easier to read.


  • #3
    dan_y
    Closed Accounts Posts: 224 ✭✭dan_y


    use the word "homeland" less. 9/10 (1 point deducted for homeland overuse)


  • #4
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    ...uhm...?

    I'll give it a 5.. I don't really understand it ..


  • #5
    TerrorFirmer
    Closed Accounts Posts: 29,930 ✭✭✭✭TerrorFirmer


    Nothing to really understand, its either a piece of a larger picture or just something that could be attributed to any number of things. Natural disaster, war, something from the realm of fantasy, whatever.

    It needs more work though, some better wording and also some more puncuation. Of course - in my opinion, that is.


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