Wife trouble

LegacyUser

How do I handle a wife, basically a fine and caring woman, that goes apesh1t when she doesn't get her own way and throws and breaks things. No verbal restraint will stop her and any attempt at attempt at physical restraint, ie try to take away the next thing she is trying to break, leads to scartching, screaming, kicking. Then I am accused of physically attacking her. The neighbours must hear her shouts screams and accusations and threats to take my son away but never see what happens. I can only imagine that they think I'm a wife beater. She can be remoseful after a few days but will without fail continue to accuse me of assaulting her regardless.
I can't do this much longer. My life is a shambles.

Beruthiel

Have you spoken to her about this when she is calm?

It would appear that she has anger management problems and seeing a professional would be the way to go.

It's abuse, I personally would not tolerate this kind of behaviour and would tell my parnter in no uncertain terms that it either stops or I walk.

I would also start keeping a diary now, write down everything she does, this can be useful if it comes to the point where divorce is on the cards and you wish to continue seeing your son.
I hope it works out for you, it's a miserable situation to be in.

ferdi

yeah thats no way to live, because she would certainly be believed before you if she ever claimed that you were beating her. i agree with B. be harsh, tell her to cop on or get on her bike.

b3t4

Joe X wrote:

No verbal restraint will stop her and any attempt at attempt at physical restraint, ie try to take away the next thing she is trying to break, leads to scartching, screaming, kicking.

You need to stop doing this.

She has obviously lost her head when she starts screaming, shouting and breaking things so you need to walk away from the situation and not engage with her at all. This will allow her to get things out of her system and cool down. It'll be hard at first but when she gets the idea that you will only speak with her when she presents her issues in a calm manner it will help both of you.

I also agree with Beruthiel that anger management courses would help her. Approach this subject only when she's calm.

All the above will mean that you'll have to keep a cool head as well which will be difficult.

A.

LegacyUser

That's easier said than done. She threw a mug and smashed a doubled glazed window. The quote to replace is €115 euro. I don't have it so I'm living with patched up broken window. Last night she threw the remote at the tv but missed, the remote is fu(ked. What choice do I have? You seem to think that she will stop throwing things if left alone. She might when she runs out of things. She had a go a the computer keyboard but I got to it in time. She is still in bed, won't talk, won't get up.

tbh

the behaviour she is displaying is a symptom, rather than a disease. She needs to take ownership of her problem and get it dealt with. As Beru says, next time she is calm, tell her she needs to get help. If she does, you'll support her all the way. If she doesn't, you'll walk. Hope it works out.

Ickle Magoo

OP,

You are in an abusive relationship - your wife is physically & verbally abusing you & making your life in your own home miserable...not to mention holding your son as some kind of bargaining chip which is just unforgiveable - you have to do what anyone in an abusive relationship has to do. Refuse to bear the brunt of your wifes serious problems. She has to admit needing help & ask for it. I think keeping a diary of what she does & when is an excellent idea. Maybe even record it or film one of her tantrums. If she can't see how far past acceptable she has gone, it may well help in any future case of divorce or rights to see your son.

When she is calm you can tell her you have come to the end of your tether & you will no longer tolerate being screamed at or things thrown around you, that she really needs to get professional help. When next she starts screaming & throwing things, I would just leave the house & tell her you will return when she appologises & is going to get help.

Best of luck - it's a horrible situation to be in.

Nevyn

Clearly she has a lot of anger and frustration, how old is she ?
I would suggest talking with her to get her to go to the dr and if she won't
tell her that you will ring th garda the next times she starts as you fear for your physical safety.

LegacyUser

'I can't give too much info as I don't want to be recognized by anyone here.
I'm not really concerned for my safety, I am a big guy, I'm afraid that if I get pushed far enough I might snap and do something. It's terrible, my son cried himself to sleep last night. There was nothing I could do to console him. I got up and took him to school this morning. I let him sleep as late as I could so I wouldn't have to talk to him much. Jesus Christ imagine that. I dread having to pick him up later and bring him back here.
Sorry If this is dis-jointed. I'm just putting it down as it comes to me.'

b3t4

Joe X wrote:

You seem to think that she will stop throwing things if left alone.

Nope, I don't think that but I do think that if you remove yourself from the situation then she won't have the option to direct her anger at you. Ok, she'll break things but the things she is saying and doing to you are worse.

She needs anger management.

A.

wyndham

Divorce her.

Buy a universal remote for a tenner.

LegacyUser

'

wyndham wrote:

Divorce her. Buy a universal remote for a tenner.

There isn't a great deal of hope for a man divorcing a woman. I wuould be left with nothing and she would have my son. I wouldn't be left with a tv or anywhere to put it. A good lawyer would take a least a fiver out of my last tenner for her so no consolation unversal remote to keep as a souvenir either. Bleak isn't it?'

Rb

wyndham wrote:

Divorce her.

Tape her behaviour first, so you can get yourself custody of your child.

Though, if you love this woman (which I'm sure you do), anger management/counselling is available. If you can get her to agree to go to it and show her that you'll be there for her and support her throughout, I'm sure this problem can be solved, though it will probably take time.

Either way, it has to be sorted soon, either get her to get help or take your child and leave because as she is right now, shes a danger to your own personal safety, your childs and perhaps her own.

Best of luck.

Tim Robbins

Sounds tough.
My advice would be to go and get some help.
It does sound like she has anger management problems. That's a very complicated thing, that only really good professionals would be able to help with.
Do you get on well with your GP? Maybe he / she might be a good person to confide in and try get some recommendations for a specialist.

Beruthiel

Joe X wrote:

It's terrible, my son cried himself to sleep last night. There was nothing I could do to console him.

Have you spoken to her about this?
Does she understand what this is doing to her child mentally? Does she care?
You don't say what age he is, but the two people he loves the most, the two people he looks up to are fighting and hurting each other.
His world is falling apart.
If this goes on in front of him for much longer then it will do serious damage.
I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but I have very strong opinions on children and what they sometimes are subjected to.
This has to stop for your childs sake.

I got up and took him to school this morning. I let him sleep as late as I could so I wouldn't have to talk to him much. Jesus Christ imagine that. I dread having to pick him up later and bring him back here.

I believe you could also benefit from seeing a professional, you need to get your head straight.
It's also not a bad idea to go see a solicitor, know your rights. The first visit is usually free.

Hippo

What they said, especially Beruthiel. Your wife must take ownership of her problem and seek professional help. You child is being seriously affected by the situation, even if you won't do anything for yourself here you have a responsibilty to help him. You can't allow the situation to continue like this, you must talk to your wife at a calm moment.

LegacyUser

She knows all right, his crying just became a weapon against me. At a certain point I think she cares about nobody except herself. I'm sure that there is regret later but never enough to stop it happening again. He's 12, well old enough to know what is happening. I feel my life is now totally out of my control, I may just as well walk out the door with the just clothes I'm wearing and never come back. I can't see a way out that won't cost me everything family friends home job. She has threatened to email all my customers and tell them my business is finished. I have done everything I can to make her happy and provide for my family but its all in ruins now. I can't see it getting better. I am at the point that I'm now relying on strangers for help and advice. I cannot turn to family or friends as I could never face them again afterwards. Its probably only a matter of time before my son lets something slip anyway. So basically it all down the toilet.

Beruthiel

Joe X wrote:

I feel my life is now totally out of my control

It's like this Joe.
When you are at the lowest point in your life that you can go everything looks bleak, hopeless, there feels like there is no way out, no where to turn, nothing that can be done.
This is because you have such a weight on your shoulders it's hard to lift your head off the pillow in the morning, never mind face the day and the people in it.
In all of that emotion, there will come a point where you will say to yourself, I'm either going to go mad now or sort this.
Me thinks you are nearly at the 'sort this' point, posting here is the start of it. Even if you find it difficult, you have just got to take the rest of the steps. You absolutely must, do it for your son, you know he deserves better than this.

I can't see a way out that won't cost me everything family friends home job.

It won't cost you your family.
It won't cost you the friends who are true ones.
It may cost you your home, but that can be replaced, I know that from my own experience.
It may cost you your job if she carries through on her threats, so what? There are other jobs.
Your sanity comes first.

I am at the point that I'm now relying on strangers for help and advice.

An outside view can be clearer than anything you can see from the inside.

I cannot turn to family or friends as I could never face them again afterwards.

Why not?
Is your pride that strong?
I know my family, at the end of the day, would stick by me and bend over backwards to help. Don't sell them short.
You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of here.

megadodge

Check out www.amen.ie

It's an Irish orgainisation for abused/battered husbands.
It comes as a huge surprise to most people that this is a huge but largely ignored problem (due to gender) in Ireland at present.

You're far from being alone.
Go to the site immediately and take it from there.

Best of luck.

Beruthiel

megadodge wrote:

Check out www.amen.ie

Thanks for that mega

chamlis

You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and strat doing something FOR yourself. There are many places where you can get advice for free, even if you just need to vent. Surely there are still some friends you can confide in?

You need to gather evidence against her. It's not a weapon, it's documenting the facts. If you can record her on video somehow, perfect. If you can get audio (A mic up your sleeve or something) it'd at least be something.
If she does assault you, I would suggest making a statement to the Gardai. They'll then have a record of her behavior.

The woman has a problem, and I'm not so sure it's directed at you simply because you're there.

Don't do anything drastic just yet.

empirix

I'd talk to her about it(try) and if she keeps it up and you feel she'll never stop, personally i'd be packing my bags - i know its a big move but you have to be happy to. Was there a tragedy in her life before this started or has she started drinking a "bit" or doing drugs etc , as i presume she didn't act like this while yee were dating and if she did your a fool for marrying her

LegacyUser

if for nobodys sake but your sons please please get away from the women take him with you if needs be.
Do not put him in that situation any longer.
As a child my parents fought constantly, you have no idea what its like from a childs perspective, it rips you to shreads emotionally, my parents eventually started turning their anger towards me since they couldn't deal with each other, it wasn't until then that they realised they needed help.

I was around your sons age at the time, and it lead to untold emotional problems.
looking back on it now i would rather my parents had divorced than had to go through the heartache of crying in my room listening to them arguing and fighting, knowing that when i spoke to them i had to choose every word carefully or it'd start them off again. Having to sit at the dinner table, while they were giving each other the silent treatment. All i wanted was to not be there.

i'm not trying to make what your feeling any less but if its hard on you just imagine what its like for a 12 year old.

Leave.

Rb

Joe, familys fight. It happens in every household around the world, sure enough it may not be discussed at social events, down the pub etc. all that often, but it happens.
Some fights are worse than others, it depends on the people involved really, the object/subject that the fight is over etc.
You should be able to depend on your family and friends, amongst other things its what they're there for and who cares what they think?Its not like its not happening in their homes (though may not be to the same extent, or it may).

Everything is far from down the toilet. If you think walking away is the best idea, then go for it! Do you realise how many divorces there are in this country every year?! Don't worry what other people think, its nothing they haven't seen or heard of before, or experienced themselves. Do what will lead to your happiness and take your son with you, so he can be happy too. You should be able to swing custody of him given the mental condition your current wife is in.

Don't worry about your home, its not like you won't get half of that. I don't know the details, or whether its feasible, but if you can prove that shes in no condition to have custody of your son, you *may* be able to get the house to yourself. I don't know, I haven't been through a divorce of my own to say.

Regarding your customers, change whatever passwords you need to, hide whatever contact lists you have and don't let her know.

Don't worry about it buddy, you're just going through what plenty of men have before, and plenty of men will again. Just remember that its not your fault, and that you can get away from it quite easily and be a happy guy (with your son) again.

Again, good luck.

LegacyUser

I don't really feel sorry for myself. I think I've already passed that phase. There is just a huge sense of regret and loss. I suppose I'm already grieving for my future and my son's pain. I loved her all my life but its now turning to a bitterness that I cannot describe. I face being alone without everything I have worked for and its painful beyond words.

layke

Joe X wrote:

That's easier said than done. She threw a mug and smashed a doubled glazed window. The quote to replace is €115 euro. I don't have it so I'm living with patched up broken window. Last night she threw the remote at the tv but missed, the remote is fu(ked. What choice do I have? You seem to think that she will stop throwing things if left alone. She might when she runs out of things. She had a go a the computer keyboard but I got to it in time. She is still in bed, won't talk, won't get up.

Joe, if I were you I sould get a camera and secretly film her tantrums so if push does come to shove you can immediatly disprove her by showing the judge exactly what she is like.

For what it's worth sorry about that but in all honesty I think she does it because you probably entertain her. Seriously, consider getting a spycam or something if some one made a threat to take my offspring from me (if I had any) I would use every underhanded tecnique to bring them down. Record her tantrums with a tape player if possible, anything.

Miss Fluff

What sparks off these episodes and how regularly does it happen? It made me really sad to read about your little boy and the torment and confusion he is going through. I get the sense that you are perhaps a little ashamed of what is happening, victims of domestic violence often feel like this.

Are your parents close by? Can you and your son stay with them for a while so that she can arrange to go to anger management classes and both of you can then decide whether to attend marriage counselling?

You are obviously at crisis point (you are when your little boy is crying himself to sleep unfortunately) and I wouldn't let this weekend go by without taking some positive action. I can understand why you may be overwhelmed with the possiblity of what lies ahead, i.e. housing etc, but your son is first and foremost here, his happiness is the most important thing in all of this.

I wish you the best of luck, I hope it all works out for you AND your family.

Ickle Magoo

Joe,

I think adult tantrums exist for the same reason as childrens - to gain attention & out of frustration born of knowing no alternative method of communication. When my kids throw a strop - lashing out or screaming - I put them in a position where they will not hurt me or anyone else & I ignore it. All actors need an audience - taking away the audience gives the tantrumer no imputus to continue - as there is no-one there to see it.

Most behaviours are there for a reason - they are a learned response to certain situations. Your wife must relearn how to deal with anger, agression, frustration, etc, etc & must learn how to communicate like a the grown-up she is rather than the 3yr old hissy fits she is throwing at the moment. You can avoid accepting the inevitable or moan about possible conclusions but the bottom line is no-one should have to live with the kind of behaviour you have eluded to - not you & certainly not your son. By doing nothing you are giving your wife the green light to continue on as if all is forgiven - and that can't possibly be the case. I imagine her behaviour has damaged your relationship immensely.

Some people need a severe kick up the backside to get help, some people are incapapble of getting the help they need. I think the posters here are just trying to help you make the most out of those two scenarios...whether you choose to take any advice given here is up to you. Best of luck

Beruthiel

Joe X wrote:

I face being alone without everything I have worked for and its painful beyond words.

I've been there. I know how you feel.
I did get divorced.
It took a few years, but I'm happier than I've ever been.

I'm not saying it was easy, but I am saying it won't always be how you feel now. You have to take the steps though.

LegacyUser

'Both my parents are dead as is her father. Her mother takes sides and that only makes it worse because she takes my side. I try to keep her out of things. I get the \"you\'re trying to turn my mother against me\" battle cry. We tried counselling but she lied barefaced to the counsellor. I couldn\'t continue with it as a result. She sometimes can\'t face the truth of a situation. She gets very angry very quickly.\r\n\r\nI think you are right this weekend is make or break, I haven\'t got the stomach for anymore.'

Beruthiel

Joe X wrote:

Both my parents are dead

Do you have siblings you can turn to?

We tried counselling but she lied barefaced to the counsellor. I couldn't continue with it as a result.

Then she's not interested in fixing this, is she?

I think you are right this weekend is make or break, I haven't got the stomach for anymore.

At this stage, I would be telling her, she either gets help and sorts herself out or you are gone. End of. She needs a reality check at this point.

LegacyUser

Have U not heard of Divorce ?
Thanks to the wimmin's lib, we now have this little
facility in Oireland.

So, why not use it ?
Afterall, "sauce for the goose ... " and stuff like that.

Given her poor behaviour, I would go full steam ahead - find
a good solicitor and get full custody of the kids.

Miss Fluff

Joe X wrote:

Her mother takes sides and that only makes it worse because she takes my side. I try to keep her out of things.

How about your little boy going to stay with her for a few days?

Beruthiel

Miss Fluff wrote:

How about your little boy going to stay with her for a few days?

Certainly over the weekend, he's old enough to understand that his parents need a few days to talk.

Miss Fluff

If your wife then kicks off over the weekend you can call the cops without your little boy ever finding out. I think the public humiliation of getting a slap on the wrist for disorder/assault by our friends in the Gardai might be just what she needs to take this problem seriously.

kkposse

Could be hormonal problem, chemical imbalance in her body, Send her to her
GP to get checked out, mood swings, depression, staying in bed, not eating much, emotional tantrums.....

Steyr

Put that woman in her place, pimp hand strong!:D Seriously though i think you should leave her.

Beruthiel

Steyr wrote:

Put that woman in her place, pimp hand strong!:D

Please clarify what you mean by that remark

metrovelvet

I dont think you need to run to the divorce courts yet. This is not an impossible thing to fix. She sounds like a rageaholic. Its not marriage counselling that will work, she needs therapy on her own. It sounds like you love this woman but that you are both living with these demons that show their ugly faces from time to time.

Is she aware of the effect shes having on the family? Is she aware that she is creating an atmosphere of fear in the home?

What do you think it will take for her to acknowlege this is a problem? Do you think that she feels ganged up on my you and her mother and so shes sticking to her guns?

Do you have any idea what has led her to feel so powerless that these temper tantrums happen?

ClockWorkOrange

Such an obvious solution..

Buy a digital video camera..

Anytime she has an episode record the whole thing

When you have a few tapes go to your solicitor and file for divorce..

Did you have a kid with here before or after she started going nuts?

mickd

When a person accuses another of phyisically attacking them and then refuses to withdraw that accusation it is a bit more serious that anger management or temper tantrum. IMO the person is projecting issues they have had all their life onto their spouse and even more damaging their child. It is a sad situation to be in, she needs professional help, You need to take youself and your child out of what is an abusive relationship. Once this is done then answers as to why this happened can be sought.

Steyr

Beruthiel wrote:

Please clarify what you mean by that remark

You didnt notic the smiley face meaning joke or the words "seriously though" etc did you?:p

Nevyn

Steyr, unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal