Rowing with BF

LegacyUser

Myself and my partner keep rowing.

It’s at the stage now where it is make or break. He has actually said to me that he is considering breaking it off – that he loves me, but cant take the fighting.

I am at my wits end at the moment. I feel like I am driving him away. We agreed a few weeks ago to not fight again. That was all fine until Saturday night when we had a big argument and last night also where he basically told me to feck off.

We’re going out nearly a year. It started Saturday. Something came up about his ex. I asked him about his ex. He said he felt uncomfortable talking about it. I continued to push as I was very curious. So both of us got thick at each other. He left Sunday morning – we had a bit of a cooling off period. I met him last night. He had a few drinks on him.

I apologised for pushing him into talking about it……..start of the night he said fine. By the end of the night with a few drinks on him he started giving out. Told me to feck off with myself.

Its not every day that we argue. But there are a few things on my chest that I need to get off. Am I being unreasonable? We talked this morning and he said that he loves me but cant put up with the fighting anymore. I feel that I cant raise issues that I have with him. He gets all defensive. I feel so sad. I love him to bits but I feel that I am making him more sad and unhappy than happy.

Maybe it is time to leave it. Im trying not to give up but I don’t know what to do. I love him that much that I would let him go if it made him happy.

Victor

Perhaps sit down with someone independent to talk out why you end up having arguments.

Alcohol rarely helps.

stipey

if you find you are constantly rowing you have to sell the boat - its the only thing for it

pepper

every couple rows-But if its getting to the stage where its all you do you may want to rethink the relationship!

2funki4wheelz

You can't really have serious relationship talks with drink involved, it can sometimes help you say things you've been afriad to say but it can make total nonsense come out too, make people defensive/irrational all that.

Aside from the drink, I think it's important that you feel you can raise any issues you have with your partner, if you feel uncomfortable or afraid to do that that's not good. Maybe try to make it clear you don't want to fight or nag but there's some things you feel you really need to say to him.

And personally, talking about exes gets nobody anywhere, and if exes are still around and causing an issue that can't be right!

Mr Magnolia

Print out you're post and show it to him (you don't need to say you posted it on boards). It conveys all you want to say to him, you've said you love him and want the arguing to stop. Every couple goes through bad spots.

Miss Fluff

Is it normally after a few drinks that you end up rowing?

Morpheus

Been there done that re few drinks = row.... usually they are bloody senseless rows that results in no extra curricular activities that night and me sleeping on spare matress in sittingroom, then the two baffled participants apologising the next morning but admitting that we cant remember why we rowed.

If your going to have a talk / row / straightening out of things conversation, then in no uncertain terms and under no conditions INVOLVE ALCOHOL!!! EVER!!!!

You two guys need to meet up, not in a pub obviously, and not over bottles of wine, lines of coke or anything else!!!

you need to say,

"Look, i love you to bits, i realise we are arguing quite often, im not happy either and i know we are trying to sort it out by NOT arguing, but there are things, about which I feel i need to talk to you sometimes and now im afraid to, incase they cause more fights.

This isnt constructive for us or our relationship, we need to draw a line in the sand between discussion, debate, irritated replies and all out weapons free war.

We need to stop arguing over small things, have more patience with each other, think something through before we spurt it out, but we need balance and sometimes things MUST be asked no matter how upsetting they may be."

You must realise that there are things that must NEVER be asked too though.

For instance, him having an issue with his ex is perfectly normal, on the flip side, I politely entertained my current other half with tales from beyond about MY ex (who i usually dont like to talk about), it got out of hand, she got quite upset and we had an argument. She was the one who started the questions. Sometimes its better if you see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil.

best of luck, hope it works out, dont ever give up on him if you love him, humans are the most adaptive species on this planet and when all else fails, remember the US Marines can do slogan Adapt, Improvise and Overcome, with time and patience you can both change to better suit each other.

LegacyUser

I wasn’t drinking last night. I was trying to calm the situation. I specifically didn’t drink because I was worried that he might fly off the handle (which he did). We never actually seems to resolve anthing.

I have a lot of insecurities, he has problems and so do I. He has brought some of these things out. Maybe I should try list them, make them clear in my head.

1. He is a right little cutie but he is a little flirt. This has calmed down an awful lot since we started going out. Asked him to calm it a bit as I was uncomfortable. He did make an effort but sometimes when I see him having his little flirt, my heart just sinks.

2. His ex. He never wants to talk about her. Says it makes him uncomfortable. Why I was “picking” the other night was I thought he might be still in love with her, hence finds it hard to talk about her. Yeah, this is the little soap opera in my head. I didn’t have any information to go on so that’s what my mind came up with. So he eventually told me that he wished in fact that they had broken up 2 years before the relationship ended, because all they did was fight (and look whats happening now).

3. He has a tendency to clam up. Close all emotions down. He has been though a lot in his life and this is the way he deals with things. He agrees that he has to be more open.

4. I find it very hard to express myself to him. Even before I met him, if I have a problem etc I go all quiet. Its like my mind cant function/concentrate on anything else. So I shut down a little too, rather than saying “Right, this is the problem…..”

That’s all I can think of right now. We get on like a house on fire until a problem comes along. Then its like we cant cope. I want us to be able to cope. I don’t seem to be able to sort things out and that’s what worries the hell out of me. How do other people do it?

Trinity

I think you both have issues.

He sounds pretty typical with the clamming up and not wanting to talk about his past, a lot of people are like that.

The question is why are you asking him questions a year into the relationship about his ex?

Do you really need/want to know that badly that you pick and pick until it causes a row?

I can be the same myself dont get me wrong but i have fcuked up more than one relationship with the same crap.

Gonna be hard on you here cos thats what i had to do for myself and thats to say stop using the i have issues card.

If you have issues then YOU need to go sort them out and dont be using it as an excuse to have a row.

Certainly you and your bf need to have good communication in order for it to work but bringing up the past (particularly the past even before you got together) is not the answer to problems and dont try to make it out that your issues will be resolved if only HE would open up and tell you.

Its not really any of your business unless he is in contact with her now or she is a threat to your relationship. By the sounds of it shes not. If you are insecure then you have to deal with that. If he cant or wont meet you half way then i suggest you walk.

But most likely your next relationship will be the same and the one after that til eventually you will see a pattern emerging in your relationships and the only common demoniator in those relationships is YOU.


If you have things to discuss with your bf about your CURRENT relationship then by all means sit him down and try to talk to him but dont bring up the past it will only annoy him, cause another row, possibly a break up and how is that gonna make you feel better?

Morpheus

Did you ever think that he doesnt want to talk about his ex, not because he is still dreaming about her, or still lusting after her, but because its just weird to talk to someone he is cuurently intimate with who thinks she is his one and only love, about someone else whom (lets be blunt here) he probably knew intimately enough to sleep with her or at least go somewhat down that road before he knew you or was involved with you in the same manner?

Above is the reason that i dislike talking to my gf about my ex's, weve tried it, shes cried, ive gotten angry, we dont discuss ex's.

Frankly my ex HAS no place in my life, we dont talk, we dont want to talk, its over, i love my gf but some things are better left unsaid, I dont want to know about her ex relationships, in fact just thinking about some other bloke with his hands on my woman is making me A. Weirded out and B. Extremely angry.....

Black Swan

Now you've got me answering your numbers with my numbers...
(1) I'm a flirt. It's my nature. But I won't cheat on my SO and they know it. So what's the big deal? Are you worried that he will cheat on you? If so, then you need to deal with a lack of trust issue, not flirting.

(2) Why are you bugging him about his EX? Are you worried he will leave you for her? I think not from your post. So why ask? It could be very painful for him to talk about, so why remind him of the pain? Wouldn't you rather give him pleasure if you love him?

(3) He clams up? Gee, that sounds like most Irish males and is normal. He will share with you overtime, but don't ruin everything by being impatient.

(4) You have trouble expressing your feelings to him, too? Well, you two are alike somewhat, right? Don't be in such a hurry, but rather get a little closer and closer over time. Get to know each other better, but don't rush it, or you'll lose him.

Sounds like you guys need a little playfulness in your lives, and to not take things so seriously? We are all just kids inside, no matter how we candy coat ourselves with adulthood. Play with each other more!

Kell

Unreg4321 wrote:

Asked him to calm it a bit as I was uncomfortable. He did make an effort but sometimes when I see him having his little flirt, my heart just sinks.

2. His ex. He never wants to talk about her. Says it makes him uncomfortable.

4. I find it very hard to express myself to him. Even before I met him, if I have a problem etc I go all quiet. Its like my mind cant function/concentrate on anything else.

We get on like a house on fire until a problem comes along. Then its like we cant cope.

A problem that "comes along" or a problem that YOU create? Sounds like you have more than a few insecurity issues here. Is the fact that you cant express yourself clearly down to expecting an extreme negative reaction to your feelings so you kinda clam up?

As regards the two other things-

Flirtiness- leave him be. He is going home with you yes? So whats the problem other than your own?
His ex- if he says he doesnt want to talk about it, dont press him.

You sound like you have a need to control your BF- LOSE IT, or you will quite naturally lose him.

K-

LegacyUser

'But doesnt flirting mean that you find someone attractive?\r\n\r\nThat you might fancy them?\r\n\r\nIsnt that why people flirt?'

Dragan

Unreg4321 wrote:

'But doesnt flirting mean that you find someone attractive?\r\n\r\nThat you might fancy them?\r\n\r\nIsnt that why people flirt?'

Not really. I flirt all the time with lots of people, because it's fun. Granted i am not in a relationship at the moment, so it's all good, but when i am i tone it down, but i know i still flirt somewhat. It's just who i am....some people would acuse me of having too much charm for my ugly face

If your fella is a flirter he will always be a flirter....the thing is, is he just talking and being confident and funny and witty and charming?

CathyMoran

Before you loose one another go to relationship councelling, you are obviously both in love but are having some issues at the moment that need to be ironed out.

Annie Bananie

Unreg4321 wrote:

'But doesnt flirting mean that you find someone attractive?\r\n\r\nThat you might fancy them?\r\n\r\nIsnt that why people flirt?'

There can be lots of reasons for flirting, but its doesnt have to be because you "want" or are attracted to that person. Flirts are can be harmless and for fun People do it to have a laugh, smile and feel good about yourself.
If he is flirty of nature I would not worry. He is with you isnt he? If he wanted to be with someone else he would hopefully break it off with you.

And I dont think he still wants his ex. If he wanted her, they would still be together, wouldnt they?

Ishindar

it sounds like u2 are not connected mentally. u try to connect but he wont try to find your level. Communication is a problem and your relationship is essentially superficial. It is common and understandable that at this stage in a relationship that you both have a lot to learn about each other and both need to be open to one another to fullfill these needs. if he is not open to this and this is a big challenge for both of you, life does have a lot more and bigger challenges for ye to face in the future. good healthy relationships are based on identifying meeting each others needs.