Lonely {long winded}

LegacyUser

I am a 21 year old guy, out of college over a year now. In that time i secured a very demanding job. I have to travel quite a bit in my job. Each morning when i wake up i cant even guess what hour {if at all} i'll be home at so its hard to plan a life outside of work.

Over the past 9 months i have found myself spending a lot of time on my own, not by choice. Whereas most lads my age are out having a bit of crack on a saturday night, i am stuck at home most weekends.

It wasnt always like this. Granted, i was never a hugely popular guy but i was generally well liked in school and college. I had 4 'real' friends and through these friends i was introduced to a wider group of friends. I got on well with my extended friends in each group, but i was never really an integral part, such as no one would care if i was there or not.

Over time i lost touch with some of my 'real' friends and 4 ended up being 2. Now i rely heavily on these 2 friends as my crutch outside of work. If i want to do something and neither of them want to do it, i cant unless i do it on my own. Being an only child doesnt help the situation.

Dont get me wrong i am an outgoing and sociable guy. My phone is full of 'friends' but they're not the sort of people i'd call up on a tuesday night for a pint. Distant friends if you will. I'd only contact them when our worlds come together.

Realistically i have to give monday - friday to work. My only free time is saturday and sunday, because of this i have missed out on so much stuff with my friends and they seem to have gone on fine without me. Most weekends i have to call them to see if they're up to anything, if i dont i'll hear about the unbelievable night they had the next time i see them.

Also, i havent had any luck with women since the start of the year. Its impossible to meet women when i am stuck at home at the weekend. Its starting to get me down, thinking if i dont do something now i could still be in this situation when i am 25.

Motley Crue

Ciarant wrote:

My phone is full of 'friends' but they're not the sort of people i'd call up on a tuesday night for a pint.

Im 21 and OP sometimes I suffer from that very problem. I am still in college, but its not a social hotbed all the time and even this weekend i couldnt find a single person to ask to the cinema. When my college mates are going to Graduation, and I should be going to a gig, I have money to do neither and I end up miserable.

But at the end of the day I stand up, brush myself off and say Im going to use every available means to befriend people, male or female, Im going to do everything I can to get with someone in a socialable or a sexual manner, whatever the case may be, and I just go for it. Plan evenings a week in advance, if that doesnt work, a week and a half or two weeks!Make sure people know youll go out, make an effort to go out for one on a weekday if youre free for an 1hr or 2hr before bed, it can make all the difference and help you relax.

nando

I totally sympathise OP! My job is long, unpredictale hours, nights, weekends and lots of on call so that I am restricted in where I go and what I do half the time that I'm not working. This has made it very difficult to have any life outside work at all.

Work also meant moving away from family and friends. All my college friends have to work the same hours so none of us can make plans or try to synchronise time off. Other friends get annoyed that I have to cancel plans, sometimes even if they're made weeks in advance. Because of this they then stop asking you to go out because they just presume you can't. All my attempted relationships basically ended before they began due to work interfering.

This is part of the reason that I have given up my job for the moment, which is a great pity because I absolutely love my work. I have to seriously think about other options though because it was really getting me down. I'm sure I will go back in time after this break and hopefully will have some things sorted out.

I'm def not advising you leave work but just saying I know how you feel!

tbh

It seems like your biggest problem is meeting people so you can form relationships with them - sounds obvious, right?

Some practical tips: Of all the distant friends you have, are there any of them you get on better with than others? If so, it's up to you to make the effort to organise something with them - how many people that know you think you are sound but always assume you are doing something else (because you don't talk to them to tell them otherwise). It might seem a bit awkward at first, but once you start getting out there again, it'll have a snowball effect - you'll meet more people, meet and make friends with friends of friends etc. Don't feel under any pressure to make friends straight away - people who try too hard to be my friend weird me out like nothing on this earth - give yourself a realistic time frame - make a date to review the situation in a year, and you'll be surprised how far you have come. Join sports clubs, book clubs. You may want to try social events like speed dating - most people would be people just like you - normal, sound people who want to widen their social circles.

At the end of the day, if you want mates, you have to make the effort. Good luck.

quickbeam

Ciarant wrote:

Most weekends i have to call them to see if they're up to anything, if i dont i'll hear about the unbelievable night they had the next time i see them.

You sound like me at the same age. This particular quote makes me sad because the same thing happened to me - none of my friends would call to let me know what they were up to at the weekend, so if I didn't call, I ended up not going out. I left like they didn't really want me along, and if I phoned them, they'd only reluctantly agree to have me hang around. The friendships ended eventually.

Now I'm not saying it's the same with you. Maybe your friends aren't being insensitive (as mine were), maybe they just don't realise you're available at weekends. I suggest you make it clear that you'd be free at weekends so there's no ambiguity and see if they still don't phone.

I also understand when you just rely on the same people all the time. I suggest you start doing things without them. It's hard to walk in to a pub on your own (maybe less hard for a guy though?), but there may be things you feel comfortable doing - going to the cinema, a concert, speed-dating, hanging around in bookshops (amazing the places you can strike up conversations and meet new friends). Or join a sports club or social club - there are plenty of weekend clubs. Or what about the people you work with? Any chance of going out for a few drinks after work with them.

Just open your eyes and you can see opportunities to meet people where you mightn't expect it. Good luck.

LegacyUser

this post really struck a chord with me. My bf works crazy hours he could be in the office at all hours and often has to cancel plans at the last minute. lately i've been getting really pissed with him about it, even though he seems genuinely sorry and makes an effort to make it up to me...he totally relies on me and i've been getting a bit pissed with him about it, but after reading this - how it feels to be the person cancelling the plans and missing out on the fun, i'd better cut the poor guy some slack.

Red Alert

First off, congrats on finishing college and getting a good job! It's not easy so take a well deserved pat on the back for that!

I'm not sure whether your job is the cause of your problems as you see them. The fact that it is demanding in the extreme has worried me slightly. Certainly if you routinely do not know what time you will be home at, you could be heading into serious problems - not only personal but health problems too. Everyone has late evenings, some more often than others, but it should be the exception (even if it's 2 days a week) rather than the rule.

A lot of people aren't Mr. Popularity, and as you say are well liked all the same. Some more than others are better at organising nights out. I'm usually out every weekend, but I'd rarely organise any because i'm not the most organised person in the world to begin with!

Are you friendly with any people you work with? From your post it seems that people have moved along quicker than you'd like or are able for. Have you tried to make any new friends since leaving college?

Do your colleagues go on nights out (eg Fridays or payday)? If not, maybe you should suggest that everyone heads to the pub some friday. Take up some evening activity (I used to go swing dancing with a friend from college), plenty of cool people there.

When something like college finishes/work starts, especially if everyone is going through the same thing at the same time, groups of friends tend to realign, change and reform - it's just natural. Of course if you're too busy during the week for your mates, why shouldn't they go out? If they don't know you're available, they won't think you want to come out that weekend.

I think your situation could be very easily helped, with just a little effort. Try and ease up the overall effect work is having on your life. Long hours at the office = even less time for yourself and your outside interests.

Hope some of what i wrote made sense, come back with any more questions.

Black Swan

Yes, some work can do that to you. Do you have a flatmate? If not, consider one. That's a friend you can add to your list? But be selective.