Problems with my girlfriend

LegacyUser

Ok I will try and keep this as short as possible.

I have being going out with my girlfriend for a year and a half now. We went through a stage were we kept fighting so she decided she needed some time to herself. We still met up with eachother but not as often. Now she is in Spain. She goes there pretty often. Her and her family have a villa over there. Anyway i hear from her every 2 days at most. Its like she is playing with my head.

Sometimes I just find girls so confusing! Anybody ever in a similar situation?

whiskeyman

Did you resolve the reasons you kept on fighting?

I really don't think she's playing games. It looks like your relationship went through a rocky patch, and the healing didn't really happen to be honest. Was it good when you met up again afterwards?
She obviously still needs time by herself.

Try and take your mind off her man. Whatever you do, let her have time to herself. You can only, and should only, do so much to make things better.

Best of luck man. Love sure if a f*cked up thing, and us guys have emotions too. Sometimes I wonder if they know that.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the reply Whiskeyman.

You have pretty much explained exactly how I feel. I think sometimes she seems to forget that she is a very important part in my life and I can really see myself spending my life with her.

It came as a shock when she said she needed space but whenever we met up everything was the exact same as always. Nothing had changed at all and I didn't fight it because that's what I want.

It just feels like whenever she goes away she forgets me and she seems really distant and her texts are vague. I just feel like I'm shown a lack of respect sometimes and she takes me for granted.

whiskeyman

Hey man,

I can honestly tell you I'm feeling the same way, but circumstances are slightly different.
Your g/f, like my own, is probably a very independant and headstrong person. Sometimes things are just brilliant, next it seems somewhat cold, and it's times like that you start thinking the worst. "What have I done"? "Is she thinking about ending it"? The mind wanders and it's terrible. That's why you have to keep yourself occupied with your own life, and give her the time she needs. Perhaps you really should talk to her about how much you feel toward her. Don't freak her out or anything, but just look for little reassurances. You're probably the same emotional mindset as myself, and find these reassuring things necessary in a relationship, and not many girls realise that.
Best of luck again man. Remember to keep yourself happy with other things though. I can't stress that enough, as you don;t want to overthink about her. That'll just bring you down further.

LegacyUser

Well you see the thing is she already know exactly how I feel and I think she takes advantage of that. I never know if I'm gonna lose her or what she's thinkin and why she does the things she does??

tbh

I know it's hard, but it sounds like this is the way she is - unfortunately, you have to decide whether it's a price you are willing to pay to be with her. I will say this tho, there are plenty more fish in the sea - if she's not the one, she's just distracting you from the one who is the one. Someone - I think it was Kell - posted a song lyric that went along the lines of "she was one in a million, but I've found four just like her in my home town" - keep that in mind, and good luck.

LegacyUser

That's really good advice thanks but it's just she's my best friend. I love her so much. I don't want to lose her. I just don't know why she does this to me

Kell

tbh wrote:

Someone - I think it was Kell - posted a song lyric that went along the lines of "she was one in a million, but I've found four just like her in my home town" -

Sadly it werent me, mind you would have been more like "Do you fúck on first date, does your dad own a brewery".

Now- where was I? OP- if she has got into this going away and being vague with you habit, then you need to explain to her that you feel like you are being messed about.

Long term instability in a relationship is not good. You need to work off a certain level to get things to work properly and without having an even keel for a lot of the time, its doomed for failure. 18 months might seem like ages, but its a blink in retrospect. Think carefully if about staying in it if you have been unhappy for some time.

K-

LegacyUser

I have explained to her how I feel but she still seems to repeat this and I don't know why. I just feel like she means more to me than I do to her. But whenever we are together its completely different. She is so loving and caring. Its just when she is away its different

BaZmO*

Sad wrote:

Well you see the thing is she already know exactly how I feel and I think she takes advantage of that.

And why is that? I bet it's because you let her do it to you.

Sad wrote:

That's really good advice thanks but it's just she's my best friend

Surely you have other friends? You're going out with her for 18 months and she's your best friend? I find that hard to believe. Does she feel the same way? I somehow doubt it tbh.

You need to have a chat with her. Tell her how you feel and tell her it's not acceptable how she's treating you and that things need to change or there's no future for the two of you.

Now here's the hard part. If she agrees to change and doesn't, you have to break all contact with her and try to move on. Seems harsh but you have to do it for your own sanity. One of 2 things will happen if you stick to your guns .

1. Both of you move on with your lives and eventually you'll meet someone that does respect you.

or

1. She'll realise that she's been taking you for granted and come running back to you.

Steyr

Sad wrote:

That's really good advice thanks but it's just she's my best friend. I love her so much. I don't want to lose her. I just don't know why she does this to me

Btiches aint siht to me but in your situation your getting macked big time, kick her to the kerb and see what happens her response will reveal what the fcuk is going on.

LegacyUser

'But you see the thing is I dont want to be with anyone else and i dont want to see her with anyone else.\r\n\r\nI love her so much I just want us to be happy together'

letterman

Seems hard to keep up an intermittent LDR like this. Does she have any other reason to decamp to Spain so much and have you ever been over there with her??

LegacyUser

'No I have never been there with her. You see her parent divorced last year and her mam likes them to go over together to spend some time together'

letterman

sounds harmless enough but if you try to come between her and her mother you will be the one who gets shot down in flames. Stand back and give her some time, if she realises that you are going to be there for her, then that takes a lot of pressure off of her as well

Steyr

Like i said kick her to the kerb.

vorbis

Am I missing something here???
I'm probably like her in that I don't need to see or talk to a person every day.
You mention that things are fine when you're actually together. So whats the actual issue, does she not return texts, does she not return calls you ask her to? How long does she go away for each time?

Sounds like she goes to Spain for a week and doesn't call you every day she's there. Uhh, I'd have to say that makes you look a bit too needy. I know you've been going out for 18 months but how much contact is she meant to make when she's in a different country. Its not like she won't be back in a week or two.

LegacyUser

'I guess you have a point here but it\'s just I think the fact that she asked for some space has made me very paranoid about everything. I feel she has gone off me. I text her and ring her and she doesn\'t answer. Sometimes it takes 3 days'

LegacyUser

'Ok so the story now is she got really angry with me the other day for no apparent reason. I really don\'t know what I did wrong. So I got really upset and she called me pathetic. Now she keeps ringing me and slagging me off. I don\'t know what I have done to deserve this. I love her so much I just fear she has gone off me. She hardly talks to me. I don\'t know what to do '

tbh

sorry mate - it's over. She's projecting: She feels bad that she doesn't want to be with you anymore, and she's focusing on you as the reason for her feeling bad, and lashing out. She just wants you to give up and walk away. my advice: do it. Unhappily single is better than unhappily coupled, because it takes less to change the situation. Start grieving, in a few months, you'll wonder why you were so upset.

LegacyUser

'What I can\'t understand is why can\'t she just tell me she doesn\'t love me anymore rather than hurting me further. I really don\'t want to give up she has been my life. I love her too much to just forget'

tbh

Sad wrote:

'What I can\'t understand is why can\'t she just tell me she doesn\'t love me anymore rather than hurting me further.

ironically, it was probably initially cause she didn't want to hurt you. Worked out well, hey? Learn a lesson from this - if you find yourself in a similar position to hers in the future HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY.

I really don\'t want to give up she has been my life.

[tough love]
Cop on man, she was *part* of your life. You were fine before you met her and you'll be fine again. It seems like you are defining your happiness or lack of as being in a relationship - really? Were you really happy the last couple of months? no - you were posting on boards about how wrecked your head was. That's over now, so thats gotta be a good thing, right? Ok, you had hopes for this relationship, you had your ideas of how things would go, but they didn't go the way you had planned. That, my sad friend, is life. It's not about the knocks you get, it's about how you pick yourself up
[/tough love]

I love her too much to just forget'

Post back here in a year and tell us how much you can remember about her
time heals all wounds. Don't wallow. Get out there, and get on with your life.

LegacyUser

'Ok thanks that\'s really good advice but what should I do if she apologises or if she asks to see me when she gets back which is in 2 days? I was ignoring her calls today because I was so hurt but I was sick of playing her games so I gave in. Now she is ignoring me. I don\'t know if I\'m going about this the right way'

BaZmO*

Listen to tbh, he talks the sense.

You need to move on and stop living up to your username. This time next year you'll be quite embarrassed about the way you've dealt with this. Nothing to be ashamed of though. We all make mistakes when we're young.

tbh

Sad wrote:

'Ok thanks that\'s really good advice but what should I do if she apologises or if she asks to see me when she gets back which is in 2 days? I was ignoring her calls today because I was so hurt but I was sick of playing her games so I gave in. Now she is ignoring me. I don\'t know if I\'m going about this the right way'

She's only able to have this effect on you because you let her. three words:
cut.
her.
out.


Delete her number from your phone. don't answer calls, don't listen to voicemails, delete text WITHOUT reading. Above all, don't let her apologize - life is short, waay too short to settle for second best. And mate - if she's making you miserable, she's second best. Do you mind me asking, are you young, or is this one of your first long-term relationships? You sound like you don't think you deserve a girl like this, and you don't - but not in the way you think. There are loads of wonderful people in the world, and I'm not saying she's not one of them, but she's obviously not the one for you. So stop wasting time on her, leave yourself open to a relationship with someone who will really get you.

Take something from this, so it's not a total bust. Take some time and think about the relationship - and I mean physically. Turn off the tv, radio, phone and lie on your bed for twenty minutes, staring into space. What was it about this girl that you liked? that you disliked? What did you do in the relationship that you are proud of or regret? What were the warning signs? Every relationship teaches you what you want, and more importantly, what you don't want. When you start a new relationship, you'll be older and wiser.


but - this relationship is done. anyone with a bit of experience will tell you the same - so let us stop you learning the hard way. If you wallow in this, and indulge youself - and let's face it - we all do from time to time - it's going to be long, it's going to be messy and you'll end up getting more hurt than you do already.

if you cut her out now, totally, you start recovering now.
take it from someone who learned the hard way

LegacyUser

'Well I\'m 19 and it\'s my first long-term relationship yes. I hear what you\'re saying but let me put it this way I can\'t just forget her like that. She has been a major part of my life and has turned into my best friend. I don\'t want to just give up and I have decided that. I understand that I\'m young and unwise to relationships and I know I should listen to people older than me but I believe in true love so I can\'t just forget her and cut her out of my life like that.\r\n\r\nYes she has hurt me with what she has been doing but all the good times and everything she has done for me erases all that. I know you may think I\'m being stupid but I know it would hurt me more to hurt her. I love her and I believe she has an explanation for this.'

bubthatub

its like this break up with her, you say that you are havin fights alot and that she goes of to some villa that her parents have has she ever asked you to come along? Ask yourself if it is worth all the hassle

tbh

SAd - I certainly don't think you are stupid - if anything I've said has made you think that, I apologise. I was smiling reading your post - if someone had told me at your age what I told you, I'd have responded in exactly the same - dunno if I was as mature tho.

you are right - this is a rite of passage. It's something you have to experience for yourself - I'm glad I did.

so, just bear these things in mind:

1. You've a lot more ahead of you than you do behind you. This is good.

2. First love isn't really always the deepest, but it has the nicest memories - if you can salvage your friendship, you should. The thing is - it usually takes a long time apart before the old scores settle down and you can really move on. Anything in between is just a crutch.

3. It'll feel like it never ends, but it does

good luck - I really mean that. For a long time, if you'd asked me what one thing I would change if I could go back in time, I would have said "I wouldn't have broken up with my first g/f". Now, I'd go back to stop the younger me going back to not break up with her!...if you know what i mean

LegacyUser

'Haha yes I do know what you mean! Thanks so much for your replies they truly have been great advice. They put a smile on my face and I haven\'t smiled in quite a few days. This is just such a horrible feeling. I\'m hoping things will change. Maybe they will maybe they won\'t but my feelings for her won\'t change. She has done way too much for me to just forget.\r\nI\'m just hoping for the best.\r\n\r\nI haven\'t heard from her. I\'m wondering whether to text her and just say no matter how she feels i will always love her.\r\n\r\nOh and in reply to someone elses post yes they have asked me to go away with them but I just don\'t have the money at the moment I\'m afraid.'

LegacyUser

'Thank you tbh'

secret_squirrel

Sad wrote:

I know you may think I\'m being stupid but I know it would hurt me more to hurt her. I love her and I believe she has an explanation for this.'

Dude - you're living the dream - not the reality.

Its time to face one of lifes nastier tests and put the relationship to bed - its dead.

Your both clinging to a dead relationship because of the memories.

I dont mean this in a nasty or flippant way - but its time to grow up and move on.

tbh

no problem, glad to help. As to whether you should text her: it's like gambling. You send her a text, and you get a little 'high' because you are imagining - "this time she'll text me back, finally I've been able to make her understand!!" - this is what I mean when I talk about indulging yourself - but you pay for that high with the low you get when you don't hear back, or you don't hear what you want to hear. If you don't want the lows, you have to stop taking the highs - don't text her. it really that simple.

Everyone is giving similar advice cause we've all been there mate, that's all.

LegacyUser

'I know everyone has been there and I\'m so grateful for all the replies.\r\n\r\nI just feel like I should text her. She is home on Wednesday and I\'m going away for the weekend so I want to see her. Like some people are saying ignore her but I can\'t do that it\'s not the type of person I am'

LegacyUser

'Ok I have an update guys.\r\n\r\nShe just text me a short message out of the blue. It just said \"I\'m sorry\"\r\n\r\nTo which I replied \" Thank you\"'

Black Swan

Sad wrote:

'Ok so the story now is she got really angry with me the other day for no apparent reason. I really don\'t know what I did wrong. So I got really upset and she called me pathetic. Now she keeps ringing me and slagging me off. I don\'t know what I have done to deserve this. I love her so much I just fear she has gone off me. She hardly talks to me. I don\'t know what to do '

Find out what's bothering her, from her perspective. Just ask, then listen, and don't feel a need to defend yourself. Just listen to her. Do it by phone, or better yet, can you visit her in Spain. Any time off?

tbh

Sad wrote:

'Ok I have an update guys.\r\n\r\nShe just text me a short message out of the blue. It just said \"I\'m sorry\"\r\n\r\nTo which I replied \" Thank you\"'

dude - don't read too much into it. it's a start - that's all it is.

I know you won't believe me, but I genuinely hope you get what you want
It's just experience is pointing at a certain outcome.

BaZmO*

Just out of interest, what does "r/n/r/n/" mean?

tbh

There seems to be a problem with unregged users' posts - \r and \n are just instructions to the browser to start a new line etc - they shouldn't be printed (the op didn't write them)

hth.

Seraphina

no offence OP but you sound like a bit of a doormat

she's got you wrapped around her finger and she knows it. she can ignore you and make fun of you and all she has to do is say 'i'm sorry' and you'll come runnig back to try and salvage it.

she's just a girl, young and immature it seems. she's not your life, and not your best friend (what kind of best friend plays you around like that?)

keep your distance if things continue, you sound like you're very clingy

Motley Crue

Sad wrote:

Now she is in Spain. She goes there pretty often. Anyway i hear from her every 2 days at most.

I honestly dont now, personally, why you still call her your girlfriend if she goes to Spain every chance she gets. I really would consider giving her the boot man

secret_squirrel

Seraphina wrote:

no offence OP but you sound like a bit of a doormat

she's got you wrapped around her finger and she knows it. she can ignore you and make fun of you and all she has to do is say 'i'm sorry' and you'll come runnig back to try and salvage it.

she's just a girl, young and immature it seems. she's not your life, and not your best friend (what kind of best friend plays you around like that?)

keep your distance if things continue, you sound like you're very clingy

Quoted for truth. Sums it up really.

LegacyUser

'Ok I admit I can be a tad bit clingy but all I ever do is show her how much I care and how much I love her. I don\'t smother her. I have spoken to many friends about this and they told me I have done nothing wrong.\r\n\r\nShe is home now but I haven\'t heard from her.\r\nI know she isn\'t the be all and end all of my life but she is very important to me. I love her so much.'

LegacyUser

'breaking up with your girlfriend (whether you do it or she does) will be one of the most difficult things you will ever do. I\'ve been there, went out with a guy when i was younger for just over 6 years, when we split it was devastating to say the least, BUT seven years have passed and I\'m still here, I survived! you WILL get past this, I used to hate when people said \'time is a healer\' because it didnt help me then and there...but they were right in hindsight, I\'ll never forget him cause he was my first boyfriend, but at least now I can remember him without the pain.\r\n\r\nGoodluck...hope everything goes well for you.'

LegacyUser

It's really just the possibility of her with someone else eats me up inside. I have begun to feel suicidal. I know that's such a strong to to say but it's how I feel. She really doesn't seem to care. I'm going away for the weekend and I'm starting a new job on Monday. I don't even care about any of that anymore. I just want the pain to end or for her to show she cares

tbh

there are no thoughts more vivid than the thoughts of your g/f or recent ex enjoying the best sex of her life with her new man - fact of life.

op - you have a choice. You can either get on with things, or you can indulge yourself and wallow in this. No good can come from the latter.