Untrustworthy Boyfriend

tickledpinkfair

Im heart broken!

Ive been with my guy for 6 years now, I changed my whole life and moved in with him ages away from home we've had pased issues but i rebuilt my trust in him and today for some reason i found myself logging into his emails. and i found he had subscribed to a load of dating websites and has a picture of a naked woman in his emails. im gutted i found this out before when we lived apart how stupid and nieve was i tho think that he wouldnt do it again. we were childhood sweet hearts together since we were 16 ive changed my whole life compromised my dreams and he is seeking someone else.

should i view thi as he's looking for someone else or are there other guys who do this when they are in a commited relationship.

after finding this out i now feel worthless he's looking for someone else, looking for sex with other women its such a knock to my confidence i feel completely worthless.

what do i do now, im only in this new job since july im miles from my freinds and family, im too broke to move....im completely gutted and now i have to face him when i go home from work this evening and pretend i dont know anything.....he's a cheater isnt he and im a complete fool .........

free2fly

First of all OP a little puncuation would have made your post a lot easier to read.

Why did you read his emails? He is entitled to his privacy. You should never have done that. And now that you have, you have found what you were looking for. And you are miserable because of it.

You need to confront him about what you found and ask him why he has signed up for dating sites and has a photo of a naked woman. He is going to be very angry that you read his emails and invaded his privacy. Be prepared for that. And also be prepared for his explanation of why he is doing it. You have opened up a can of worms by snooping OP. I never understand why people feel the need to read text messages and emails! It's just plain wrong.

I wish you luck though OP. It's going to be a rough road ahead for you.

tickledpinkfair

sorry about the punctuations i am a bit upset so grammer isnt going to be a strong point right now

and i no i shouldnt have invaded his privacy i know that but i also know now im completely alone i cant confide int the people closst to me about this cos ive been a fool but im devestated n have no idea where to go from here

Ruu_Old

If you keep quiet about it, then you are just tormenting yourself. Be honest with him, there is no room for lies in a relationship. Sit down and calmly discuss it with your partner until you resolve this.

tickledpinkfair

dont think we could discuss this calmly

thanks though i will say it to him but i wont admit i read his emails actually cant be dealing with that row yet the files are mote than likely still on my computer......such a joke isnt it he's been doing this from my laptop n all his passwords for his subscriptions my name f**ked up or what.

i just feel completely humiliated and stupid and the rejection of it all now im worthless 6 years obviously im not enough for him anymore

Pansy Potter

I think anyone who snoops into other people's private business deserves what they get. Eavesdroppers never hear good of themselves.
Just goes to show both of you are treacherous. You deserve each other!

free2fly

tickledpinkfair wrote:

sorry about the punctuations i am a bit upset so grammer isnt going to be a strong point right now

and i no i shouldnt have invaded his privacy i know that but i also know now im completely alone i cant confide int the people closst to me about this cos ive been a fool but im devestated n have no idea where to go from here

We've all been fools at one point or another OP. But you really need to get this resolved with him. If you don't talk to him about it it will just eat you up inside. And he is going to know that something is wrong just from your behavior. Honesty is a very important aspect of any relationship. As difficult as it may seem right now you have to talk to him about this. The reasons he is doing this may be due to problems with your relationship that can be resolved. And just because he is signed up to dating websites doesn't necessarily mean that he is cheating on you.

Talk to him, but be prepared for his reactions and reasoning.

tickledpinkfair

ok i know i shouldnt have snooped but i do not need a lecture on that right now my whole world has come crashing down. If you changed your whole life because you thought that what you had with this one person was worth and then to be let down and decieved.


So stop with the lectures on how i should have checked up on him ok i have bigger things to deal with.

ive moved counties, got a my first job out of college about 150 miles from home all cos o thought this was worth it!!!!

Mrs_Doyle

If I was registered for dating sites, and my boyfriend looked through my emails, without my consent, and discovered what I had been up to, my first reaction would not be "how dare he look through my emails?", it would be something along the lines of "Oh ****, what the fcuk am I going to do? I have been well and truly caught rapid, I am fooked now, why, oh why did I do it?", and so on.

Every single time someone posts PI which involves them reading their partners texts, post or emails, and discovering something nasty, rather then give advice on what to do regarding the materials discovered, we see a whole lot of incredibly self righteous posters bleating on about a 'right to privacy'.

Now, don't get me wrong, I agree that we all have a right to privacy, and this should not be disrespected by anyone, but the fact remains, in this instance this deed has already been done, and lecturing someone on it will not to anything to reverse it.

I am pretty sure the OP knows all about privacy, but right now they are more concerned about the fact that their partner may or may not be cheating on them.

If I did check my BF's emails, and saw that he was conversing with ladies from dating website, and exchanging photo's with them, I wouldn't give a flying fcuk about his right to privacy, or is outrage at my snooping, I would be more concerned with finding out what the hell he had been playing at.

In fact, I really don;t think that if I had hard core evidence that my BF had been playing away from home. and I approached him regarding the situation and explained where I had obtained my evidence from, he would have the audacity to try to change the subject from his infidelity to my lack respect for his privacy!

A bit of perspective is needed, and a little snooping, no matter how wrong, doesn't even begin to compare to the fact that he may have been cheating on her.

ferdi

he broke your trust by emailing other women

you broke his trust by reading his emails

you're made for eachother. kiss and make up.

tickledpinkfair

this is not a damn joke so if you have nothing but smart arse comments to make dont leave one,


and what he did is worse than what i did

free2fly

tickledpinkfair wrote:

ok i know i shouldnt have snooped but i do not need a lecture on that right now my whole world has come crashing down. If you changed your whole life because you thought that what you had with this one person was worth and then to be let down and decieved.


So stop with the lectures on how i should have checked up on him ok i have bigger things to deal with.

ive moved counties, got a my first job out of college about 150 miles from home all cos o thought this was worth it!!!!

I understand that you are feeling let down and deceived OP. And I imagine angry and hurt as well. But until you talk to him about this you won't know where you stand or what you need to do about your situation.

Do you not have family that you talk to? Or a close friend?

Mrs_Doyle

ferdi wrote:

he broke your trust by emailing other women

you broke his trust by reading his emails

you're made for eachother. kiss and make up.

They are not even close to being on the same level of wrong doing.

Please, for the love of god, can someone give these self-righteous fools some planning permission for the bridge that is going to help them to get over themselves!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jumpy

Are you sure it wasnt just spam?

Make sure the emails are legit before you go crazy on him.

tickledpinkfair

i dont feel at this moment that i can confide this in friends or family cos if we do work it out whoever i confide in will hate him.

ferdi

tickledpinkfair wrote:

this is not a damn joke so if you have nothing but smart arse comments to make dont leave one,


and what he did is worse than what i did

well if your so secure in your position, i suggest you approach your partner of 6 years and tell him that.

tickledpinkfair

yeh i am secure in my position i know if i confront him we'll have a blazing row but what ye guys arent getting is that i havent properly settled in in this city i have no one here but him cos i was so damn sure about him. so i have no where to go when we do start rowing over this.


and yes im sure they are realy cos i logged into them the irony is my name is his damn password for these sites

Mrs_Doyle

ferdi wrote:

well if your so secure in your position, i suggest you approach your partner of 6 years and tell him that.

Well I agree, you should tell him that, because you are right.

You checked his email, and you shouldn't have, and that was very bold of you.

Now, if you are 100% that he is cheating on you, or even if you feel that his use of these sites is a betrayal of your trust, then you absolutely need to say it to him.

Perhaps you don't share the same idea of what is, and is not appropriate in a relationship.

Some people would not consider the use of these sites as 'cheating', others would, however, and you seem to be one of them.

For this reason you two obviously need to talk, so that at the very least, you can sit down and address how you feel about the situation, and what, if anything, can help to mend your relationship.

ferdi

tickledpinkfair wrote:

and yes im sure they are realy cos i logged into them the irony is my name is his damn password for these sites

oh man that rough.
ok well if you leave it and say nothing, it can only get worse and if you are intending on spending your life with this guy, dont you think it would be better to sort this out now, even if you are in an unknown place?

connundrum

ferdi wrote:

he broke your trust by emailing other women

you broke his trust by reading his emails

you're made for eachother. kiss and make up.

An eye for an eye works.. unless one eye is far more devious than the other

Basically..

Had this been the old days and he was 'snail mailing' another woman after meeting her through BuyandSell Meeting Point, he would be keeping the correspondance and photo's in his inside jacket pocket.

Now if you were to go snooping in there, in the hope of finding a £1 coin for some womanly products (or sumsuch items) and you happened to stumble upon these letters and photo's, then what? You were looking in an innocent place - and you didn't expect to find evidence of a straying boyfriend.. but you did.

Same situation with the e-mails imo.

If you'd like a blame ratio then..

Him 90% ~ You 8% ~ Poor internet security 2%

You 'shouldn't' have been there snooping (slap on wrist), He deffo shouldn't have been getting friendly with internet peoples (kick to curb).

That is all.

LegacyUser

OP - you are not a fool at all. You do need to confront him about it, and as soon as possible. I'm sure if you needed to you could raise money to move out if needs be - if not then you will need to come to some compromise re living together until you can move out.

I don't think the issue of you reading his e-mails is remotely comparable to him cheating (if he has). Some people seem to believe that the right to privacy over-rides all other relationship responsibilities. If your bf takes that tack (which he is likely to in order to deflect attention from his lack of consideration towards you), then IMHO you need to re-examine what you want from the relationship.

Focus on the most important points:

- You deserve to be respected
- You deserve not to be cheated on

If you don't have these then the relationship isn't worth anything (IMO)...

humanji

Is it possible you've taken it out of context? Does he have paid subscriptions to the dating sites? Is it possible he just signed up for free just for a laugh, not to actually find someone else? And is the picture of a naked woman a picture that the woman sent him, or was it from a mate who said "Ooh, look at the tits on this!" ?
I may be all wrong, but he might have a genuine reason for all this. Just be sure, before you blow your top at him.

Marksie

tickledpinkfair wrote:

Im heart broken!

Ive been with my guy for 6 years now, I changed my whole life and moved in with him ages away from home we've had pased issues but i rebuilt my trust in him and today for some reason i found myself logging into his emails. and i found he had subscribed to a load of dating websites and has a picture of a naked woman in his emails. im gutted i found this out before when we lived apart how stupid and nieve was i tho think that he wouldnt do it again. we were childhood sweet hearts together since we were 16 ive changed my whole life compromised my dreams and he is seeking someone else.

should i view thi as he's looking for someone else or are there other guys who do this when they are in a commited relationship.

after finding this out i now feel worthless he's looking for someone else, looking for sex with other women its such a knock to my confidence i feel completely worthless.

what do i do now, im only in this new job since july im miles from my freinds and family, im too broke to move....im completely gutted and now i have to face him when i go home from work this evening and pretend i dont know anything.....he's a cheater isnt he and im a complete fool .........

OK are these new sites? and are the accounts active..i guess they are.

A saying comes to mind... how terrible is wisdom when it profit not the wise.

I am not going to go into the issue of whether you should or should not have checked his mails. but the subtsance of your post.
1) It seems he has done this before
2) It took a long time to regain the trust (but i guess you really didnt.. it was very canny to guess a password first time)
3) He has done it again.
4) you will be unable to look him and keep it from him.
5) a row is inevitable.

You really have two options because he has done this before:
1) accept it and put up with it
2) get out of the situation.

regardless of the fact you are in a new city..do you really want to continue to live with him.?

Face up to what you have found out.... and the fact you found out by not trusting..

So in effect you didnt trust and never will trust. and he will do it again.

tickledpinkfair

thanks guys

no its not out of context im sure of that,

its all dated the week i went down home for a family wedding i just need to find out if its just when im not here or all the time.

i really didnt think he was like this i feel decieved, like there was this whole other perverted person there that i havent known for 6 years.

I guess i am only 22 if im going to do anything about this the time is now.

wow its been such a difficult year for me and my family i thought my relationship was one thing i ccould count on, guess i have on other hurdle to jump before this year ends.

thanks for the support those who gave it thats what i really needed at the moment

Beruthiel

At 22 your life is just beginning.
You may have done a lot to make this relationship work, but it's nothing you cannot overcome and move on from. You will find it difficult but by next year you will be a stronger and happier person for it.

kizzyr

ferdi wrote:

he broke your trust by emailing other women

you broke his trust by reading his emails

you're made for eachother. kiss and make up.

That is not the same, not even close to the same league. If he has been cheating on her that is way worse than her reading his emails.

letterman

its all dated the week i went down home for a family wedding i just need to find out if its just when im not here or all the time.



Maybe he's just lonely.

Seriously though, see if you can verify if he has taken it any further. Theres no harm in looking at the shop window as long as you dont buy anything.

Could be just a way of keeping him amused , in a fairly juvenile way, in your absence. If he's at it all the time though, make plans for B&B tonight, for him, not for you.

Seraphina

imo, your right to privacy in a relationship does not exist if it entails hiding things like cheating etc. from your partner

daiixi

OP: So your other half has subscribed to dating sites and has naked pictures in his emails. Has he been communicating with people he's "met" on the sites? How has he come across the picture of the naked woman? If he's actively corresponding with other women and/or planning on meeting up with other women then I think you should either confront him or cut your losses and leave the relationship. If he's just browsing dating sites and checking out porn then yoy may not have anything to worry about.
You said that you think the dates may all have been while you were away. Maybe he was lonely and/or bored and decided to check the sites out for kicks. Signing up to dating sites and looking at pornography is not, in my opinion, cheating. Actively corresponding and/or planning to meet up with people would, in my opinion, be cheating.

Zulu

Seraphina wrote:

imo, your right to privacy in a relationship does not exist if it entails hiding things like cheating etc. from your partner

Interesting - but it doesn't really work does it. How do you know if your partner is "hiding things"? ...unless you violate the right to privacy.

kizzyr

letterman wrote:

its all dated the week i went down home for a family wedding i just need to find out if its just when im not here or all the time.



Maybe he's just lonely.
Seriously though, see if you can verify if he has taken it any further. Theres no harm in looking at the shop window as long as you dont buy anything.

Could be just a way of keeping him amused , in a fairly juvenile way, in your absence. If he's at it all the time though, make plans for B&B tonight, for him, not for you.

Thats bo***x, sorry but it is. How on earth can someone not deal with being apart from their OH for a week. One week. The moment you start giving excuses for him is the moment you set yourself up for a lifetime of this type fo treatment. If I was in the OPs shoes, I'd be really annoyed, looking at porn is one thing but signing up to dating sites is taking it too far.

Dinxminx

What Connundrum said.

Don't feel bad about looking at his e-mails - in a way he drove you to it since he's obviously betrayed your trust before and no-one wants to be taken for a fool... You could argue you were protecting yourself.

Have it out with him.

Good luck!
xx

Seraphina

Zulu wrote:

Interesting - but it doesn't really work does it. How do you know if your partner is "hiding things"? ...unless you violate the right to privacy.

well its not me in the situation, but obviously after 6 years she knows him pretty damn well.
if you know someone well its not hard to tell when their behaviour goes weird or if they're lying to you. if talking to them reveals nothing, some people go looking.

i wouldn't do it personally, but every time a thread like this appears, it turns out whoever went looking found something, so i always think its a bit silly when people complain about invading privacy etc.

but then i've nothing to hide so i'd never have a problem with it.

what kind privacy do you need from your other half anyway? i've never felt the need to keep certain things 'private' from my partner.