Grieving process

brillo

My mother died very suddenly 15 months ago. On the whole we had an excellent relationship and I loved her deeply. What I cannot understand however is that the grieving process has yet to kick in. As far as I am concerned I am carrying on as normal. and while I do think about her many times every day, there is no real ache there for what I am missing. I have spoken to a few other people who have lost parents and all have said the impact on them has been huge. I can honestly say that this is not the case with me. Is there anyone else in a similar situation – it is wrecking my head that I feel I cannot grieve her properly, it is as if she deserves something more other than me carrying on with my life as if nothing has happened. Or maybe I may still be in shock – surely though after 15 months, it should have started to hit home at this stage. Any thoughts?

airwalk

Hey there,

I lost my mother very suddenly many years ago and I am not sure I went through the same grieving process either? I dont think there is a set way to do it. I never went through any long periods of being really upset but I have to say I do get upset still when a certain song comes on the radio or at the cinema when there would be a similar situation to mine on the screen.

I would say that this is my grieving process. I am a typical emotionally disabled male so mybe I am storing it all in...... Only time will tell. My only advice would be to talk about her to people. I did not and wich I did as I find it hard now.

Hope that helps

kaizersoze

Hey brillo. My mother died last year aswell (April) although not suddenly. You have described me perfectly in your post. We got on great, I miss her and think about her everyday and visit her grave regularly. At the time it was very upsetting but once the funeral was over I just carried on as normal.

Don't beat yourself up over it. It doesn't make you a cold hearted bastard/bitch or anything. Everyone is different and grieve in different ways. Some fall to pieces and others just handle it better. You and your mother know your true feelings for each other and thats what counts.

Mitzy

There is no set way to grieve. My dad died this year I haven't been walking around with a cloud over me. It's not that I don't miss him or don't think about him every second but I do feel him close by and visit his grave every week. I have lost close relatives in the past & I do truely believe that they are still there for you even though they've passed on.
Maybe the reason why you are not grieving as you feel you should be is because your mother is still close by with you and helping you every day.

free2fly

Everyone experiences grief in their own way OP. When my gran died it took my brother two years to shed a tear. Then one day it just hit him and it all came out. Some people never cry. Don't you think that your mother would want you to get on with your life and be happy?

We were told last week that my mum isn't going to make it much longer. She had her fifth heart attack two weeks ago. It's basically a day to day waiting situation. I wonder every day now how I am going to grieve her passing.

LadyJ

OP,my mother died when I was 11 and I'm nearly 21 now. I can honestly say that I've been numb for ten years.

Last year I began therapy sessions,not for grief but,as it turned out,I realised that most of the crap that I was experiencing was actually all down to the fact that I couldn't grieve and so my feelings of loss for my mother were actually manifesting themselves in other ways and other areas of my life.

When a parent dies suddenly (regardless of how old you are) it is a shock to the system. You can be frozen with fear. It's a defense mechanism so that we can survive. And it feels like everything is fine and can stay that way for years but eventually,one way or another,grief rears it's ugly head in some way.

My advice is go to a therapist now. It's hard work and it takes time to be able to tap into the feelings that you don't really think that you have but they are there so keep looking. Don't leave it alone for years like me because it will only build up and get worse.

Good luck.