Serious Communication Problems with Mother

LegacyUser

Ok, Im in my early 20s, I post here regularly but for this one Im afraid im going to have to go unregistered as its something that I really didnt want to discuss in public (or the private of this topic board).

As I said, im in my early 20s, and I still attend college and live at home with my parents. Normal situation, no problems there, however the problem lies with my mother. Me and my mother have never seen eye to eye and last night and this morning it reached the worst its been in a long time. Last night my father caught me turning off the computer naked. Now, before you say anything, the computer is in my bedroom and my father walked in without really knocking (my fathers usual routine is to knock once and come straight in before ive a chance to answer stay out or come in).

Second, I had been talking to my girlfriend on the phone, and after the conversation had gotten ready for bed. Realising that computer was still on standby when I was in bed i got up briefly to turn it off. It just happened to be the wrong moment for my Dad to walk in. Third, I sleep the way I do because if I wear underwear/pjs a rash develops between my legs (caused by the build up of sweat) and it becomes hard for me to walk comfortably. Also, my parents insist I close and lock all the windows in my room (even in the summer) for security reasons - which I can accept - and since they leave the landing light on every night and usually the central heating during the winter I often end up closing the door and with the radiator on the room can become very hot. I just want to explain this as the reason(s) I happen to sleep the way I do.

Anyway, my mother approached the room last night after I had explained the situation of embarrassment to my dad, and insisted on knowing what was going on. When my Dad explained she hit the roof and insisted I was speaking to people and talking with them on MSN in the nude. She even insinuated I was looking at pornography and various other things. The point is that she was rushing downstairs before I could say a word to defend myself, and pulling out all the plugs to the broadband around the household, refusing to allow me the oppurtunity to do what I was apparently doing. For the record, I rarely ever use MSN Messenger (I have 5 contacts, 4 of which ive known at least 4 years and the other of which is my girlfriend) and at this point the computer is turned off completely.

So I went to bed, but with my mother it doesnt end there, and this morning she's refusing to speak to me. I told her that after her behaviour, I was extremely digusted that she had insinuated these things about me, I felt that a simple apology was in order. However, I didnt say anything about that for a while, and overheard my mother ring my father in work to discuss last night. She talked about my behaviour recently, my apparent 'constant lying' and this 'walter mitty fantasy life' that I was leading. I really dont know where any of this is coming from. Ill admit from time to time I can be over dramatic and try and 'sell' the truth or a story for more then its worth. I can also admit that I do have a tendency to tell the odd lie or two, but this only started when my mother began to accuse of things as a child I was not doing.

So to wrap this up, my mother and my father are arguing on the phone, and I ask my mother about the situation and try to address it with her. She tells me theres no point speaking with me about it because ill just twist and turn everything to suit myself and she gets very physically upset, starts screaming at the top of her voice and roaring and crying, saying shes so physically disgusted her son would sleep and walk around his room in the nude. I am being genuine about this, not selling the story, she was really physically screaming and crying. This isnt the first time shes done this, and she very rarely addresses any problems we have, she ends up going off and crying and getting very upset but never addressing the problem thats happened and trying to work it out.

The only time she ever acted any worse then that was 2 years ago, and when that happened, I had to go to therapy (yes, thats right, I sat down with a counsellor for over 4 months and talked about everything I was feeling and she went nowhere. I came back with a positive attitude and it helped in a way and yet nothing changed on her behalf).

I dont do drugs, I dont smoke, Ive never been involved with the police or illegal activites, I dont steal, I never mixed with the wrong crowd and people always seem to compliment her on what a fine young man she has but she still, and im in my early 20s remember, tells me what her friends kids are doing and how they act and they treat their mother and what they bought her for Xmas etc.

Please give me some advice on how to deal with my mother. Im not in a financial situation to move out, unless I drop out of college and work full time, but since im in a BA course thats not likely to happen. This problem has to be resolved because I dont want a situation 20yrs from now when my mothers retired and still bitching about me, my future wife, maybe my future kids etc and never able to address problems with me. Im honestly trying to kurb the lying, the overselling, and everything else I think is a problem and im not shouting or screaming back at her anymore but this is really really going to have to stop.

Thanks for reading, have a nice Halloween

Ickle Magoo

Is there any way of getting your Dad to have a word? Or any other family relative?

~It sounds like your mother has some enormous issues regarding masterbation, sex & pornography (amongst others) & she is projecting them onto you. I disagree with your parents ignoring your need for privacy but as it is their house they are entitled to do whatever they want in reality - all you can do is ask them to respect what really should be your rights.

I don't think you should have to explain why you were naked or explain you were not up to anything...masterbation is not only not a crime - it's good for you & if you choose to use adult pornography, then there is no harm in that either - don't take on board your mothers problems with sexuality. You have nothing to be ashamed of & the fact your mother is trying to make you feel dirty & shameful shows the extent of HER problem.

Is there no way you can work part-time & rent a room in a student flat? That's what I did...or maybe talk it over with your campus director & see if there is any hope of room in the halls of residence or some kind of emergency accomodation or something similar for people who can no longer live at home. Could you ask a relative if you could stay with them? I wouldn't be shy in telling people what is going on - the longer your mother is allowed to carry on without reparcussion, the worse she will get - letting family & friends know may shame her into addressing her issues. It may also help to speak to a councellor about what is going on at home to try & ensure you are not affected too negatively by it...best of luck - horrible situation to be in As a mother to a son, I'm very angry at your mother & father tbh. :mad:

Get a stiff upper lip and ignore it.
Not simple to do but its the simple answer.
Suffer the loss of the broadband.

Keep your mum at arms length for now and be as civil and nice to your Dad as possible.

From what you are saying your mums record (in her brain) has got stuck on things that she doesnt like about you and thats that.
I say let her get on with thinking that if she wont talk to you about it.

Sometimes at your age one of the parents can struggle to cope with the fact that their son is now an adult and that their influence on you is going to be less and less.That seems to be a lot of whats going on here.
It's also possible you know that someone else friendly with your mum and (either openly or secretly) who has a dislike to you,could be stirring her up.

As you say your situation is that you must stay at home for now.
Given that I think you should put up with it for now and stay out of any controversial conversation and argument.

What I would also do to stay sane, is apply for a J 1 U.S visa and plan to work there for the summer.I'd also get a part time job if I were you and at least be saving something towards eventually moving out.
At least if you go away for the summer (and they cannot stop you from doing this) you will show some independence.
I'd consider going down to Australia working for a year also when you graduate.
These things will put some distance between you and your mums argumentative side.

LegacyUser

This one is very easy. Move out.

Zombrex

S_Worried wrote:

saying shes so physically disgusted her son would sleep and walk around his room in the nude. I am being genuine about this, not selling the story, she was really physically screaming and crying.

What planet is your mother living on??

Is she deeply religious or something. Because that is just nonsense. I mean there is nothing wrong with looking at porn on the internet, though I can understand a mother getting a bit upset by something like that (not screaming and crying mind), but to get this worked up over simply being naked in your room with your door closed is just ridiculous.

S_Worried wrote:

The only time she ever acted any worse then that was 2 years ago, and when that happened, I had to go to therapy (yes, thats right, I sat down with a counsellor for over 4 months and talked about everything I was feeling and she went nowhere. I came back with a positive attitude and it helped in a way and yet nothing changed on her behalf).

There is nothing wrong with therapy and with a mother like yours I would whole heartly recommend it.

S_Worried wrote:

Please give me some advice on how to deal with my mother.

You need to tell her that you have done absolutely nothing wrong and that she is the one with the issues, not you. It is not normal to be that worked up over something as ridiculous as simply being naked in your own bed room. I would imagine that isn't what this is really about, and that she is just picking that thing to focus her attention on. Maybe as Ickle mentions she is having a very hard time dealing with you becoming a sexual adult, and is completely paranoid about all the horrible things that can happen in life (pregnency, HIV, herpes etc etc). Just like everything there is probably something much deeper going on that simply you being naked.

Like you say this has to stop. But mothers are stuber and not used to opening up to their children so you might not be able to actually get her to talk to you properly about what is going on. All you can do is stay calm and not get angry and just point out how ridiclous it is that she is getting this upset, and ask her why she is

Motley Crue

Wicknight wrote:

It is not normal to be that worked up over something as ridiculous as simply being naked in your own bed room. All you can do is stay calm and not get angry and just point out how ridiclous it is that she is getting this upset, and ask her why she is

I wholeheartedly agree, you must address the situation with her, move out next Summer, but before then make sure its not on such bad terms that you will dread coming back when the college term starts again. Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the messages of support, I really apprichate them. More comments would be welcome. I had a chat with her and explained what I felt and it seems that her taking the dog for a walk this morning helped her out. It also helped that I made the decision to apologise. In the long term though, im not sure whats going on, we'll just have to wait and see and hope for the best.

Beruthiel

S_Worried wrote:

saying shes so physically disgusted her son would sleep and walk around his room in the nude.

Wow - She would appear to have some real issues with the naked body. If you're door was closed I don't see what the problem is.
At your age, one would think there would be a knock and a pause until you say come in.
It would seem, as Tristrame said, not much point in talking to her. She will never see your side thinking the way she does about something so natural.
It is a shame you cannot move out, it's what you need to do. While under the same roof as your parents they will not see you as an adult.
Perhaps trying to get your Da alone and having a frank talk with him might be in order, if you think he is open enough to that.

I am being genuine about this, not selling the story, she was really physically screaming and crying.

Just a guess here, but she wouldn't happen to be going through the menopause would she?

This isnt the first time shes done this, and she very rarely addresses any problems we have, she ends up going off and crying and getting very upset but never addressing the problem thats happened and trying to work it out.

Then all you can do is carry on like life is just peachy.

I dont do drugs, I dont smoke, Ive never been involved with the police or illegal activites, I dont steal, I never mixed with the wrong crowd and people always seem to compliment her on what a fine young man she has but she still, and im in my early 20s remember, tells me what her friends kids are doing and how they act and they treat their mother and what they bought her for Xmas etc.

Not a clue, comes to mind. She doesn't know how lucky she is.
As others have said, spend your time getting school finished, if you have any spare time get a job of some sort. Anything to help keep you out of the house and somewhere towards starting a life outside the family home.

Please give me some advice on how to deal with my mother.

I honestly don't think you can.

s problem has to be resolved because I dont want a situation 20yrs from now when my mothers retired and still bitching about me, my future wife, maybe my future kids etc and never able to address problems with me.

Don't get ahead of yourself, you'll cross that bridge when you get to it.

trying to kurb the lying, the overselling, and everything else I think is a problem and im not shouting or screaming back at her anymore but this is really really going to have to stop.

If you've lied to her in the past, it's probably not helping now. Cut the screaming out and act the adult you are. Just let her carry on, blow some steam off and don't rise to it. This is her problem, not yours.

I made the decision to apologise

I'm curious,
what exactly was it that you apologised for?

Moonbeam

Move out,you will feel alot saner

b3t4

You and I, and probably everyone else, knows that you need to move out. Ok, so you can't do it today but that doesn't leave tomorrow out, now does it? Start saving so that you can leave, this is the only way this will sort itself out long term.

For the meantime, ignore your mothers tantrums. That is what they are. She is, as they say, set in her ways and no amount of talking is going to sort this out. Agree to disagree with her. Also, be firm and state that any further conversations about the matter will not be entertained by you and be as stubborn as she is on this.

Apologising was silly as this re-affirms to your mother that her behaviour is acceptable. If you feel you have no need to apologise then don't.

Your father will side with her more than likely just for peace and it won't do any good to side one of them against each other. It'll drag the whole thing out much longer.

A.

Same situation with me
I moved out and am in a debt due to bill's etc but I'm much happier but I still don't get on with my mother and I can't visit without her being vicious with me
If i'm invited to eat there it's thrown back at me and the next time time when I refuse the invitation there is murder also
I'm now told to **** off back home If i disagree or stand up for my sister/brother

Not much I can do because i still have to see my family but overall i'm happier

Don't play into her behavior and ignore it

Savman

Ah Mothers, they'll never understand. Moving out is the better of 2 options imo...

want2play

No offence but i think its your mother that should get therepy, she seems to have issues with nudity and sex.

If my sons arent looking at girls ( I know you werent at the time) when their teenagers I'll be getting worried for other reasons.

You dont have to have excuses to sleep nude.

want2play

S_Worried wrote:

Thanks for the messages of support, I really apprichate them. More comments would be welcome. I had a chat with her and explained what I felt and it seems that her taking the dog for a walk this morning helped her out. It also helped that I made the decision to apologise. In the long term though, im not sure whats going on, we'll just have to wait and see and hope for the best.

The fact you apologised indicates you did something wrong, how is your Mother going to understand you are doing nothing wrong if you tell her your sorry?

ClockWorkOrange

Thats a mental story man.. even if you were caught jackin it, the reaction is off the wall..

Do you think its the nakedness of the masturbation or what?

Marksie

I agree with the other posters that your mother seems to have issues with sex ans sexuality.
The fact is she heard this second hand from your dad and automatically jumped to conclusions about what you were doing.
But it is notoriously difficult to get mothers to understand things at the best of times... the fat that she was arguing with your father may indicate that he sees it in a different light...perhaps talking to him about it may be an approach.
You really shouldnt have apologised though as that lends some element of legitimacy to her hysterics.

If she has hysterics just walk out and not engage in conversation. Do not attempt to explain yourself as that will just embroil you deeper into it.

If she is not careful though, she will end up in a situation where you will leave and have no contact at all.

Savman

Mrs Doyle you have wisdom beyond your years! Tea for everyone!

Froot

Mrs_Doyle wrote:

...

I think you should whore yourself if you like

On a lighter note, OP your mother is repressed. You need to leave.

ferdi

ignore her, get a lock on your door, bide your time til you move out.
if she continues this **** when your on your own two feet, keep away from her and dont let her see her grandkids.
i think alot of that generation have got some serious issues with morality and try to impose their version of it on this generation. they can stuff it.