Girlfriend's Insane Jealousy

Kintarō Hattori

Hey Folks,

Any idea what on earth I can do to try and help my girlfriend overcome her insane jealousy? I'm a good boyfriend to her or so I believe. I'll often meet her after work, I buy her flowers, I cook dinner for her often, I tell her I love her constantly. I do what I can to make her feel loved and appreciated. Our sex life is pretty good, I don't oggle other women. I don't go out as often with the guys, I don't play games anywhere near as often as I used too. I've even told her that I'll marry her. We've been thinking about buying a flat together.

Her jealousy is incredibly difficult to work past though. I try not to give her any reasons to be jealous but often the smallest little thing can set it off. This morning for example we were curled up in bed and we were going to watch a movie. I told her she could choose, so she went to the hallway. While there she found a Goldfrapp DVD I bought the other day when I was out in Liffey Valley. She asked me what it was I told her. So she told me she wanted to see it, I asked her why. She put it on and after a few minutes got up and started to get dressed, watching a movie was off of the cards. And all because the singer was wearing a 'sexy' pair of boots on the cover of the DVD. I went out to the hallway and pointed out the fact that I had all three of their albums. This didn't wash with her. Apparently I bought the DVD because of the picture on the cover.

How insanely jealous is that? I bought it because I like the band and I was in Liffey Valley and I'm never normally out that way as it is miles and miles from where I live. I bought it because I saw it there and it was good value, and I happen to like the band. This is typical of her though, often the littlest thing can set her off.
She has often asked me why I'm not jealous when she's talking to other guys, to which I've told her that she doesn't give me any reason to be. But that's what she expects that I would be. She is often jealous when she see's me talking to another women, even though she wouldn't perhaps know who that person is or what their relationship might be to me.

This is not exactly a great start to the long weekend. I've stormed out and gone to work as there is no reasoning with her. I'm in the wrong and nothing can change that. I've told her this morning that her jealousy is making it extremely hard for me to see a future together with her. Perhaps not the best thing to say, but it is true.

Beruthiel

eo980 wrote:

I've told her this morning that her jealousy is making it extremely hard for me to see a future together with her. Perhaps not the best thing to say, but it is true.

It's exactly what I would have said tbh.
She has a little problem, she needs to address it. You have given her no reason to behave like this and it's got everything to do with her lack of self esteem and the fact that she may not feel as attractive as any other woman you maybe looking at.
Also, some women are a bit strange and require drama in a relationship in order to feel they are loved and needed. I have no clue why, I personally prefer an easy life. She probably thinks the fact that you do not get jealous means you don't care enough, this is not the case, you don't feel jealous because she hasn't given you any reason to be, some women don't get this logic. She may not even realise that she is acting like this and has not looked into why she does. She's probably doing it because she is afraid of loosing you, self fullfilling in itself as she probably will if she continues to behave like this.
Perhaps a frank discussion on it is in order.

Reni

Your gf seems very unreasonable-You don't seem to be doing anything to deserve this sort of treatment.You are dead right to tell her things have got to change.Can you really see a future for the two of ye she is being so possesive/unreasonable.If you want to try sort it you're gonna have to bring it to a head-she seems to be very insecure as regards the relationship so maybe you need to try and find out where this stems from-you definitely can't go on the way it is

LegacyUser

She sounds insanely insecure and attention seeking, almost delusional to think that you might be in love with a pop star who you are extremely unlikely to ever meet, lets face it!

It must be pretty irritating for her to ask if you are not jealous when she talks to other men, she obviously *wants* you to be. It sounds like she wants a lap-dog, not a boyfriend.

I would give her an ultimatum to stop this ridiculous behaviour or it's over. How can you even consider buying a home with her if she is so volitile over such an insignificant thing like that?

GAA widow

eo980 wrote:

She has often asked me why I'm not jealous when she's talking to other guys, to which I've told her that she doesn't give me any reason to be. But that's what she expects that I would be. She is often jealous when she see's me talking to another women, even though she wouldn't perhaps know who that person is or what their relationship might be to me.

Freaking out over a dvd is OTT in fairness! Sometimes though those kind of small petty arguments are not actually what they're about...She does come across as being jealous and a bit possessive but in reality i just think she's the type of girl who may be a little insecure and need a good bit of reassurance about your feelings for her etc.
Sometimes the pill can be to blame for moodswings - I will hold my hand up and say that i have been guilty of turning from sweet trusting girlfriend into the bitch from hell on occasion!
You seem to be a good caring boyfriend and do have a chat with her this evening - tell her exactly what you've posted here - that you feel you are a good boyfriend - buying her flowers, dinners etc. and how you felt hurt about her flipping out over the dvd and ask her why is it that she doesn't seem to trust you and where is all this coming from - let her put it in perspective for you both.
She should apologise to you.

Talliesin

eo980 wrote:

She has often asked me why I'm not jealous when she's talking to other guys, to which I've told her that she doesn't give me any reason to be. But that's what she expects that I would be.

Because she thinks that this is normal.

She may even believe that jealousy is an indicator of the extent of love, and since you aren't insanely jealous its probably because you're banging half your female colleagues, all your female friends, one or two of her female relatives, and some woman that does the weather forecast on a television channel you've never watched and who you wouldn't even fancy in the slightest if you did see her.

Because she thinks it's normal she's unlikely to do the sort of work that she needs to do to change. If you can't convince her that there is a problem and that she needs to do something about it, things won't get better.

Your reducing the amount of times you go out (and well, that's going to happen to some extent because you are going to spend time with her that you wouldn't if you were single, but the fact that you mentioned it suggests that she was getting jealous of the times you were going out) will make things worse, because your doing so could be interpretted as conceding that she was right in her jealousy.

Don't buy a flat together if she hasn't made considerable progress on this. It'll make things much more complicated when either she becomes completely convinced you're having an affair and leaves you or you find that you can't deal with having to justify yourself against paranoid theories any more and leave her.

Black Swan

eo980 wrote:

Her jealousy is incredibly difficult to work past though. I try not to give her any reasons to be jealous but often the smallest little thing can set it off.

Jealousy is often learned behaviour. Perhaps she had poor role models at home (for example, did her parents divorce?), or she could have had an earlier bad experience with an X?

eo980 wrote:

She has often asked me why I'm not jealous when she's talking to other guys, to which I've told her that she doesn't give me any reason to be. But that's what she expects that I would be.

In addition to learned behaviour from past role models or bad experiences, there may be issues of poor self-esteem? Needs assurances? Then again, has she been raised in a culture that expects jealous behaviour? Just guessing, not knowing you or her. In any case, you need to sort this out before a marriage commitment or you may be in for future grief? Talk to her about his.

Sangre

I would have just laughed at her. This type of behaviour shouldn't be dignified with a reasoned respone.

Kintarō Hattori

Hey Folks,

Thanks for all the good advice. I spoke to her about it a few hours after and was quite frank with her. She's agreed it's unacceptable and will try to reign it in. Hopefully she'll manage to calm down a little.

Motley Crue

Sangre wrote:

I would have just laughed at her. This type of behaviour shouldn't be dignified with a reasoned respone.

I would have done the same. Hopefully it works out, im all for treating my GF properly etc and looking out for her when she needs someone but if she freaked out over me buying a poster or DVD with some sexy girl on it when I liked the band id freak out. Even if I didnt ever listen to the band and just got the poster because the girl was hot wouldnt mean I fancied the girl more then here tbh. Youre right. Good luck

zAbbo

Hide the sharp stuff.

wyndham

I would think long and hard about marriage/joint property investment. You may come home some day to find all your stuff on the front lawn and your clothes cut up if you are ever caught looking at page 3 of The Sun!

Boil those bunnies!

LegacyUser

please buddy, do yourself a favour, this is a CONTROL situation. she is playing you like a violin. i know how this feels, i have just come out of a nearly 4yr relationship. im devestated, heartbroken but it is for the best. you are at a stage now where you think this is strange, if you dont do something you will end up hating each other. if you really want this to work you've got to set some ground rules.
dont cut friends off. even female ones.
dont do all the running.
let her get thick but know whan things are your fault.
dont be a doormat.
this is an unhealthy relationship. i understand that when its good its great but when things get worse (and they will unless you do something drastic) they will be absolute ****.

live your life. life is too short. dont regret. think about it, have the experiences you want NOW! dont be 30 going on 21. please, you have described so well one of many situations which i went through. i thought she was the one for me. be objective, assertive and dont be held back. dont be guilted in to doing things. if you pull back she will respect you more. I was exactly like you, gave her the BEST of everything. gave up everything for her. love is a two way thing, ''i love you'' is also the cheapest line in the dictionary.

THE SINGLE BIGGEST WORST THING YOU CAN DO IS CUT YOUR FRIENDS OFF.
Speaking from experience here. you need them. wheather you think it or not.
dont do it man seriously. get out there. she needs her freinds too.

i realise this is random but you need to act now and fast before you end up like this. be in control.

a relationsip IS NOTHING (NO MATTER HOW LONG IT LASTS) WITHOUT TRUST. This jealousy should be a train hitting you in the face type of signal. i didnt see it for me at the time but this is a huge thing here man. sort it out or bad things will slowly start to happen. if she thinks you will march to the sound of her beat by playing the jealousy card, you will be trapped.

THINK ABOUT THIS. talk to friends.
peace out and good luck.

milod

knowhowyoufeel wrote:

please buddy, do yourself a favour, this is a CONTROL situation. she is playing you like a violin....

OP, just like the previous poster says - she's a nutjob - Run very fast until she sorts her head out, and even if she does, keep running - there's no happy ending - I speak from experience.

ferdi

Beruthiel wrote:

Also, some women are a bit strange and require drama in a relationship in order to feel they are loved and needed.

man, i dont get this! total headwreckers out there

Sangre wrote:

I would have just laughed at her. This type of behaviour shouldn't be dignified with a reasoned respone.

spot on.

zabbo wrote:

Hide the sharp stuff.

hide the pet rabbit!

Tar.Aldarion

How could she be jealous after that coat you got her OP? :P

It's good that she recognises that she has to reign it in. What would she have done if you had said that yes, you have the dvd because you think the girl in it is hot?
Maybe try to explain to her that even if you think a girl is hot, you just think she is good looking, whereas you love your gf.
What would she make of you having porn?

Kell

eo980 wrote:

This didn't wash with her. Apparently I bought the DVD because of the picture on the cover.

Sorry to be blunt mate, but your GF is a class A bunny boiler. If you want to stay with her your need to completely change your behaviour towards her in order to get her to cop on. Dont cajole and even sound like your even half sorry for doing what you want, when you want or where you want. This only adds to her delusional belief that she is in someway right.

You need to be strong and point out to her that she is completely insane when she gets jealous about this sort of stuff.

Glad to see you have discussed this with her and she will at least make an effort. Has this been the case from the onset or is it a recent pattern of behaviour?

K-

Laslo

Kell wrote:

Sorry to be blunt mate, but your GF is a class A bunny boiler. If you want to stay with her your need to completely change your behaviour towards her in order to get her to cop on. Dont cajole and even sound like your even half sorry for doing what you want, when you want or where you want. This only adds to her delusional belief that she is in someway right.

No it doesn't. It simply confirms what she's been working up to - that you're a cowardly doormat. Don't be a cowardly doormat! Next time she tries to guilt you or make you feel bad when you haven't done anything wrong - tell her grow up and cop herself on. Don't apologise, gulp and make excuses. Laugh at her and tell her she's being a ridiculous little child and that you have no future unless she grows up. You wouldn't want her acting like a petulant little s**t and to humiliate you in public, would you?

Sometimes to stop pathetic immaturity, you need to sink down to her level. Or dump her. I'd favour the latter as she sounds like a complete idiot.

Kell

Laslo wrote:

Sometimes to stop pathetic immaturity, you need to sink down to her level.

Now thats intelligent. Need to sink to her level in order to reverse the trend? Quite a nugget.

You achieve nothing by mirroring a persons bad behaviour. If they see you doing something that they do, you just re-inforce their idea that stupid behaviour is acceptable.

When someone starts going off the wall for a stupid reason, you politely point out that they are being ridiculous and if that doesnt work, you simply walk away thereby depriving them of the opportunity to behave like a child. People dont bawl and scream unless they have someone to ball and scream at.

K-

Jumbly

Laslo wrote:

No it doesn't. It simply confirms what she's been working up to - that you're a cowardly doormat. Don't be a cowardly doormat! Next time she tries to guilt you or make you feel bad when you haven't done anything wrong - tell her grow up and cop herself on. Don't apologise, gulp and make excuses. Laugh at her and tell her she's being a ridiculous little child and that you have no future unless she grows up. You wouldn't want her acting like a petulant little s**t and to humiliate you in public, would you?

I agree with Laslo although I would be a little more diplomatic. Never accept an unreasonable guilt trip laid on you by someone else.

Talliesin

Laslo wrote:

No it doesn't. It simply confirms what she's been working up to - that you're a cowardly doormat.

Why assume she's behaving in a rational and deliberate manner when generally anyone behaving in a rational and deliberate manner is a rarity?
Realising how irrational we all are is a necessary part in increasing how much we overcome the bad side of that irrationality in ourselves and others.

Laslo wrote:

Sometimes to stop pathetic immaturity, you need to sink down to her level.

So the OP can enjoy a torturous co-dependent game-playing relationship?

Sleepy

Tell her to cop the **** on or you're leaving her. Mean it. If she doesn't change, leave her.

I'd recommend that she go to some counselling to deal with whatever screws are loose tbh.

Kintarō Hattori

Thanks to everyone who gave good advice. I spoke to her later that day and she realises it is unacceptable behaviour and she is going to try and keep it under control.

I am however a little disappointed with some of the responses here. I don't think my girlfriend quite qualifies as a bunny boiler, or that I should 'hide the sharp stuff'. I only gave you one very small insight into our relationship and it was a rather negative element.
Other than her jealousy which is very hard to deal with at times she is a wonderful girlfriend who is loving, funny, intelligent and sensitive. I feel lucky that she is my girlfriend and I love her deeply and would like to spend the rest of my life with her. The jealousy is a problem but if you truely love someone you work to overcome that problem and that's what we're trying to do.

Some of you gave excellent advice in particular B, which gave me some quality insight into what might be going on with her and causing this. I'll be taking this on board and hopefully iron this thing out.

quad_red

I too went out with a lovely girl who had the most ridiculous jealous streak one could imagine.

I truely despise petty jealousy. It is the meanest of emotions. And it's also bloody contagious.

I ain't saying your girlfriend is a bunny boiler dude. But these things breed deep. And it's going to come up again.

So I wouldn't get caught having some private time with palm and her five sisters whilst enjoying the Goldfrapp dvd if I was you

Tar.Aldarion

If I was him, I would. She needs to face that he can think somebody is hot and still love her...

emma_1981

Hiya Hon,

Just to let you know my best friend is in the same situation as you.

Don't know if you have female friemds, but my friends girlfriend has basically put a stop to him speaking to every female person he knows being friends with him (his mother & sister being and exception!)

She has stopped him talking to a married, pregnant friend of his -- a girl who works with him with big tits, even though she's seeing someone -- and me, his best friend. It's all down to insecurity on her part.

My advice is, don't let her control you especially when it comes to your mates.

Hope this is a help.

Emma

quad_red

emma_1981 wrote:

-- a girl who works with him with big tits

Spat some tea onto my monitor there!

Yeah, tackle it now but gently.

If someone is jealous they see things that aren't there. And can sometimes retaliate to things that aren't there.

Just talk things through.