Is She Serious About This?

LegacyUser

Ive been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend now for a while. the other night she spoke to me and told me that if i wanted, because ive been feeling a little frustrated with the difference, i could have sex ONCE with ONE girl and she wouldnt dump me over it. i love this girl to bits, but will admit my taughts recently have been frustration since i was a virgin before i met her and we waited 6 months into the relationship. i would like to know what its like, and i do have friends who could set me up, but im not sure whether its a test or shes genuine...shes been telling me i can do it for 2 months now and sometimes she iniates the coversation to see if its happened yet.

vorbis

i would say that she wants to or has hooked up with another guy. You hooking up with another girl would ease any guilt she might be feeling.

tman

yep, definitely sounds like she's feeling guilty about something...

free2fly

Sorry to say it but it sounds that way to me too. It may not be true, but it does sound as if she may have been with someone else.

Ruu_Old

Time for a serious chat I think OP. I would like to say she is thinking of you in this but its fairly likely she got up to something, sorry and hope it works out for you.

EKRIUQ

I think she's guilty of something, thats not rational thinking just tell her you'd never do that to her, then do it anyway:)

McGinty

There is something very odd in her suggestion, what that may be I am not sure, either guilty of something or very low self esteem, or she may be testing you. Also if you decide to have sex with another girl for one time only, is it fair on that girl, plus the sex will be very empty as there is no real feeling.

wyndham

Could be a weird test of your committment?

mmenarry

Sounds like it's one or other of the above posts:

1. She's done the dirt (sorry) and wants "acceptance" of that sort of behaviour
2. Test of commitment - the answer she wants to hear is "no, I only think about making love to you"

Have you two met physically since she started talking like this?

M.

Heisenberg.

This post has been deleted.

Dubsta

From a girls point of view, this is deffo a test! Theres no doubt about it!! What girl in their right mind would let you sleep with someone else?? (Regardless if she has done the dirt) Seriously, its a test come on!! Things like that only happen in novels! ITS A TEST!!!

DuBsTa

kizzyr

Again, from a girls point of view its a test and don't do it cause you will fail. Talk to her and see whats going on. How long are the two of you going to be apart? If its not for that much longer then just deal with things as they are now. If however you are apart long term and you haven't been going out that long before you were forced apart then you need to have a serious think about this relationship and where its going.

Pigman II

vorbis wrote:

i would say that she wants to or has hooked up with another guy. You hooking up with another girl would ease any guilt she might be feeling.

I agree and she isn't even gonna wait to you commit/report the act until spills the beans. All she needs is for you to SAY 'yes' and then you'll be hearing the whole sorry tale with no opportunity for comeback.

Classic entrapment manouver there.

You should ask her "have you got something you want to tell me?" next time shes brings it up and at least then you'll still have the high moral ground and she won't get away with feeling like a shít before you dump her

Chucky the tree

bang the girl but dont tell her.


test passed(if it is one, i think she cheated) and frustration gone. Job done.

Thomas_S_Hunterson

Chucky the tree wrote:

bang the girl but dont tell her.


test passed(if it is one, i think she cheated) and frustration gone. Job done.

Aye, then everyone's a winner:D

Hackman

It sounds like she has cheated on you already and is trying to spread the guilt.

secret_squirrel

Its a TRAP! back slowly away from the cheese!!!!!

Talliesin

Three possibilities seem most likely to me:

1. She's testing how the distance issue and its effect upon your sexlife is affecting you.
2. She's had sex with someone, and wants to be able to say "well, we both strayed, so neither of us is the 'bad one'".
3. She's thinking about the possibility of not being monogamous, at least while things are long-distance, and the "one time" idea is an attempt to move into such an idea gradually.

The first possibility, that it's a test, doesn't necessarily mean it's a straight-forward as "if he says 'ok' I consider him unfaithful and break it off'.

You've expressed frustrations and concerns about the situation, and she is probably both feeling similar frustrations and also concerned about how they are affecting you. She almost definitely has uncertainties about the situation and how best to deal with them, so that it is a test doesn't necessarily entail some sort of Machiavellian relationship manipulations. (If you could be sure it was just Machiavellian relationship manipulations the answer is easy, say "yep, I did" let her dump you, and be free from a relationship with someone who plays such games).

In the second case the first question is how do you feel about that. If it is the case, and if you can forgive it (if you can't, and it would have to mean things are over, then it does and that's it) it becomes a matter of how she feels about it - she may be able to accept that you forgive her, but she may not and constantly act out of guilt in one way or another (from over-compensating on the one hand, or being jealous and convinced you were going to return the slight on the other, or a combination of both) in a way that would be damaging to the relationship.

In the third case there is again the double questions of how you feel about this and how she does - if she is pondering this as a possibility that doesn't necessarily mean she's 100% sure she'd be okay with it and just waiting for you to okay things on your side. It can seem particularly attractive to people in long-distance relationships. It can also work for people in long-distance relationshps. For the most part though, its not something that works for most people and even amongst those who feel drawn towards that sort of lifestyle the conflict between those and other ideals about how things should be (and unfortunately people are quite capable of holding conflicting ideals in their minds at the same time and being hurt by the impossibility of meeting both).

Whether any of the above, a mixture of the above, or something that hasn't occurred to me that is the actual case, I don't think the idea of a single get-out-of-jail-free card is one that will work.

After all, what is a single one-night-stand going to do for you? Now, I can understand that one can find themselves engaging in a one night stand when they had every intention of being faithful to a monogamous relationship (not saying that that would be an okay thing, just saying that it happens), but if you're going to deliberately behave other in a monogamous manner, is a once-off going to satisfy you? I doubt it, I'd see it as much more likely that whether your normally the sort of person who would just feel guilty doing this even if their partner said it was okay, the sort of person who could happily be poly, or a swinger, or in an open relationship, or whatever, or whatever way you feel in these regards the idea of a one-off horizontal tango is going to leave you unhappy, possibly deeply unhappy.

Whatever the story is you need to talk to your gf, not so much about this one-off idea of hers, but about how the long term situation is affecting both of you, and if there is anything that can make things better for both of you for the duration of the long-term period of your relationship rather than this silly one-girl-one-time idea.

It doesn't have to be a change (maybe how things are is as good as it can be for the two of you), it doesn't have to be obviously fair (one of you doing something doesn't have to be matched by the other doing the same thing, what's important is that you are both happy with what does happen, balanced or not), it doesn't have to be pleasant (maybe the long-distance thing isn't working for one of you and you should accept it) and it doesn't have to be something that I or anyone else in this forum would approve of, but it does have to be something coming from the two of you communicating about your situation and striving to make things as good for each other as they can be.

Black Swan

secret_squirrel wrote:

Its a TRAP! back slowly away from the cheese!!!!!

Agree with secret_squirrel! No matter what her reason for suggesting this one-night-stand, test or guilt or justification for breakup. And don't listen to the posters that suggest that you cheat and don't tell. You would be a cheater no matter how you attempt to candy coat your behaviour, and cheaters are jerks.