Drunk Boyfriend

LegacyUser

I've been with my boyf 3 years now, we're considering marriage. I had been over the moon about this, only over the last two months I've noticed a side to him which I really don't like. He has start name calling me and using foul language when he has had a few drinks, like calling me a "dope", or telling me to "get the **** away from him" infront of his friends. I don't let him away with this, every time I have warned him never to talk to me like that again cos I won't put up with it. It has happened on three occasions now. He has appologised the next morning, says he doesn't even remember saying it. He has even said he'll give up vodka cos it drives him mad. I'm really doubting our relationship, vodka couldn't be the sole cause of him acting like this could it? Could he be getting too comfortable with me, thinking he can treat me like this?

Beruthiel

what2do wrote:

He has even said he'll give up vodka cos it drives him mad.

I had a b/f who couldn't drink whiskey as it seemed to bring up a dark side in him that was more than a little nasty. He could drink anything else and it did not have that effect on him. It is quite possible that vodka is something your b/f should never touch.

I'm really doubting our relationship, vodka couldn't be the sole cause of him acting like this could it? Could he be getting too comfortable with me, thinking he can treat me like this?

This is something you will have to discuss with him and I suggest that you do so.

LegacyUser

what2do wrote:

I've been with my boyf 3 years now, we're considering marriage. I had been over the moon about this, only over the last two months I've noticed a side to him which I really don't like. He has start name calling me and using foul language when he has had a few drinks, like calling me a "dope", or telling me to "get the **** away from him" infront of his friends. I don't let him away with this, every time I have warned him never to talk to me like that again cos I won't put up with it. It has happened on three occasions now. He has appologised the next morning, says he doesn't even remember saying it. He has even said he'll give up vodka cos it drives him mad. I'm really doubting our relationship, vodka couldn't be the sole cause of him acting like this could it? Could he be getting too comfortable with me, thinking he can treat me like this?

Get him literature on alcoholism and sit down with him and explain it to him calmly. This is serious and yes he could be getting 'comfortable' with you as well?

If you intend to marry, it is crucial that you sort out these issues long before you make any sort of commitment - marriage, whilst not always for life, should at least be strived at for as long as possible.

Take care.

wyndham

How do you react when he calls you the names? Do you call him something back? Or just grimace?

tbh

what2do wrote:

I've been with my boyf 3 years now, we're considering marriage. I had been over the moon about this, only over the last two months I've noticed a side to him which I really don't like. He has start name calling me and using foul language when he has had a few drinks, like calling me a "dope", or telling me to "get the **** away from him" infront of his friends. I don't let him away with this, every time I have warned him never to talk to me like that again cos I won't put up with it. It has happened on three occasions now. He has appologised the next morning, says he doesn't even remember saying it. He has even said he'll give up vodka cos it drives him mad. I'm really doubting our relationship, vodka couldn't be the sole cause of him acting like this could it? Could he be getting too comfortable with me, thinking he can treat me like this?

I'll give you one piece of advice - actions, not words. If he calls you a "dope" again, walk away (hard as it is - it'll be worth it). If you were my sister, I'd be disgusted with you for letting yourself get treated like this. It's ultimatum time - He can either choose you, or drinking.

mountainyman

It could be the vodka, I am affected similarly by Gin. It makes me upset and I have tantrums as I am a big guy this was often frightening for women.
First he has to stop drinking Vodka if this unacceptable behaviour continues after that he must stop drinking altogether.

How do his friends react, if they are belittling you and it is getting to him that has to be addressed.

MM

Kolodny

In my experience, I've seen certain types of alcohol throw a switch in some people, and cause them to act in a way they wouldn't dream of normally (and that side to them does not surface at all when there's no alcohol involved). That's no excuse for it though. You don't mention how much or how often he is drinking. Either way, he needs to cut it out completely if he's doing/saying things he can't even remember. If he's serious about marriage he should be happy enough to do this (for you both), but my advice would be take it very slowly until you're sure there are no other underlying issues aside from the drinking.

Ickle Magoo

OP,

You say you won't let him treat you that way yet it has happened
3 times now - is that not a contradiction in terms? You have to sit him down & make it clear the next time it happens will be the last...

Some drinks do funny things to some people & should be avoided - is he like this to everyone when drunk on vodka, or just you? I've never heard of selective agression towards one person through drink before - there could well be more to it than drink...

Black Swan

You two need to sit down (when he is sober) and talk about this. He needs to know that you cannot be with him if he treats you this way, and after your talk if it happens again, then leave him for awhile and see what happens.

LegacyUser

wyndham, I just tell not to talk to me like that. There is no point in going on about it when he is drunk cos he never seems to remember.
He doesn't drink that often, we probably go out twice a month, we both get drunk but he turns nasty. It's not necessarily just me he gets nasty with either.

mountainyman, his friends don't belittle me, they have actually told me that he needed someome like me to make him grow up (he's 30).

Ickle Magoo

Well, you know he turns nasty, as do his friends - convince him of it & get him to either stop drinking or stop drinking vodka if that is what is making him aggressive.

Incidentally, you will never "make him grow up" - it's something only he can do when he wants to...best of luck

Oryx

The phrase 'in vino veritas' (in wine, truth) comes to mind. As in, the true side of your nature comes out when drunk. Basically alcohol is bringing out an attitude towards you that lies beneath the surface at other times. It would bother me that this attitude is there at all. Im not saying dump the guy because of a few throwaway remarks, (we all go off on one now and again)but consider how he treats you carefully. If a cruel streak is there now, who knows what he will be like a few years down the line in the comfort zone of a marriage, when he knows its harder for you to walk away?

Chucky the tree

KatieK wrote:

The phrase 'in vino veritas' (in wine, truth) comes to mind. As in, the true side of your nature comes out when drunk. Basically alcohol is bringing out an attitude towards you that lies beneath the surface at other times. It would bother me that this attitude is there at all. Im not saying dump the guy because of a few throwaway remarks, (we all go off on one now and again)but consider how he treats you carefully. If a cruel streak is there now, who knows what he will be like a few years down the line in the comfort zone of a marriage, when he knows its harder for you to walk away?

It depends, if hes like that on beer then he definitly not the drink. But if its just with vodka, then i would just put it down to that.

Like other people have said, when they get certain shots into them they go nuts, but when they avoid them, they are grand. Its a trial and error process.

secret_squirrel

Knowhowyoufeel wrote:

Get him literature on alcoholism and sit down with him and explain it to him calmly. This is serious and yes he could be getting 'comfortable' with you as well?

Preachy much? :rolleyes:

Alcohol abuse does not equal alcoholism.

As every other poster has noted its not unusual for 1 type of drink to make you go more loopy than another.

Its only a problem if he keeps doing it. If he switches to beer chances are it will be grand.

LegacyUser

KatieK wrote:

The phrase 'in vino veritas' (in wine, truth) comes to mind. As in, the true side of your nature comes out when drunk. Basically alcohol is bringing out an attitude towards you that lies beneath the surface at other times. It would bother me that this attitude is there at all.

I have a mate that pisses in presses when he is drunk.
Are you saying underneath it all he is a closet press-pisser?
I'll have to think about that...

KatieK wrote:

Im not saying dump the guy because of a few throwaway remarks, (we all go off on one now and again)but consider how he treats you carefully. If a cruel streak is there now, who knows what he will be like a few years down the line in the comfort zone of a marriage, when he knows its harder for you to walk away?

I agree with that.
To the OP I think as other posters suggested you need to show him how serious you are about this.
Whether he remembers or not, it's still abuse, and it will break you down and make you feel small if you don't do something active about it.

No Wodka for madser. End of story, or end of you and him.

Esel

"Aisle Altar Hymn" - i.e. 'it will all change after we are married'. How many girls (or guys for that matter) have thought that? Way too many. It is just not true.

Alcohol is alcohol; too much is too much. Forget all that crap about people going crazy when they drink one particular type of alcohol (unless it is Absinthe or maybe poteen). Shorts or shots are just too easy after you've had a feed of pints.

Don't make any marriage plans until you've seen a permanent long-time improvement in his drinking habits. Even then the odds are he may go back to his old ways. Do you live in a rural area by any chance? I have seen way too many long-suffering wives driving down to the pub to collect their completely footless husband . Who knows what goes on behind those closed doors.

Think long and hard about your situation. You will only have yourself to blame if you fool yourself into thinking that he will change. Apologising for something he doesn't remember doing is definitely a bad sign. As tbh said, next time it happens, walk away. Do not put up with this behaviour.

It amazes me how often women go for the guys who end up treating them like sh!t.

franksm

Drink tends to bring out the baser personality, ie. unfiltered. What he's saying when he's drunk is what he REALLY feels & thinks

Therefore it's time to move on and find a new boyfriend, there's plenty better out there

No-one deserves that sort of sh!t he's putting you through, sounds like he has no respect Do you really think you deserve that ?

"Moving on" is not the easiest way to deal with it of course, but the best.

r3nu4l

This is a tough one.
As has been pointed out alcohol abuse is not alcoholism. I should know.

I went through a personal low in my early 20's and spent 5 nights a week drinking 4 pints followed by 10-14 double vodkas a night. I did this for about 6 weeks before I realised the damage I was doing to myself I was/am not an alcoholic, I simply chose to abuse drink.

However, I did find that after a few vodkas my mood changed dramatically to one of real aggressiveness. Now, I've been very drunk on beer and whisky many times before to the stage where I've passed out but never did my mood change. If anything I just got sleepy and silly

I have since performed several experiments with my vodka drinking and discovered that I become quite nasty and unreasonable when I drink it So I haven't touched a drop of vodka since then but have had plenty of beers been very drunk and had great, happy, fun nights out with my friends and they all agree that vodka and r3nu4l do not mix. These days I choose not to drink a lot anyway (r3nu4l needs to reduce belly span) and I still have a great time when I'm out.

I have no explanation for this and it may not be the case with your bf OP but it might be too. How about you discuss it when he is sober and suggest that instead of vodkas he tries something else. Let him know that you are worried and ask him if he will try it out for you for a while. See if there is a change.

If he refuses point blank or if he gets abusive with a load of beer or whisky then unfortunately it's time to reconsider your relationship. Best of luck, I hope it works out .

oulu

what2do wrote:

I've been with my boyf 3 years now, we're considering marriage. I had been over the moon about this, only over the last two months I've noticed a side to him which I really don't like. He has start name calling me and using foul language when he has had a few drinks, like calling me a "dope", or telling me to "get the **** away from him" infront of his friends. I don't let him away with this, every time I have warned him never to talk to me like that again cos I won't put up with it. It has happened on three occasions now. He has appologised the next morning, says he doesn't even remember saying it. He has even said he'll give up vodka cos it drives him mad. I'm really doubting our relationship, vodka couldn't be the sole cause of him acting like this could it? Could he be getting too comfortable with me, thinking he can treat me like this?

Either he does not want to get married yet and you are putting pressure on him and this is his way of telling you I dont want to get married yet. He may be cheating, so to start a fight with you he does not feel guilty about the cheating, if he speaks to you like that on front of friends what will he be like when you move in togther when you get married gods only knows, heed the signs do what is best for you dont have anyone disrepect you no one.

petes

I agree with some of the posts that a certain drink can send you a bit mad. I used to drink Jack Daniels and was nuts on it (not going into detail). I had to stop drinking and did. I still go out and drink a load of pints and maybe a few shots. I barred myself from jd. Sleepy and silly I think is a good way to describe how I get and then I trail off and go a bit quiet.Wasn't like that on the jd though. That is just me. Tell him to stop drinking vodka if thats his excuse the whole time.

Kell

what2do wrote:

He has start name calling me and using foul language when he has had a few drinks, like calling me a "dope", or telling me to "get the **** away from him" infront of his friends.

Um, and why are you still in the relationship? Honestly?

what2do wrote:

I'm really doubting our relationship

Not surprising. I would have been out ages ago.

If its only a recent thing, it stands to reason that he is píssed off about something and venting on you. Beyond the name calling, how is the love life in general? How is his work life? How is his family life?

Sad as it is, the addage holds true- the ones you love the most you hurt the most. They love you, they are around and convenient targets for abuse.

If you want to stay in the relationship, try and find out whats eating gilbert grape. There has to be some underlying issues that dont surface until he is twatted and starts mouthing off at you.

Hugs.

K-

up for anything

what2do wrote:

mountainyman, his friends don't belittle me, they have actually told me that he needed someome like me to make him grow up (he's 30).

Run a mile. It's a danger sign, to me at any rate, when his friends speak like that. Nobody can make him/help him grow up. He has to do that all on his own... poor little 30 year old boy.

Chinafoot

On the three occasions that it happened had he been drinking vodka every time? Have there been any other instances in the relationship where he treated you like this?

Normally I'd say run a mile but to be perfectly honest, I turn into a complete and utter psychopath when I drink vodka (I used to go looking for a fight with anyone near me and it took for me to put my fist through a window to make me realise that this is a drink I need to stay far, far away from) so I wouldn't be too quick to throw away a three year relationship. Having said, he needs to recognise that he can't drink vodka as it clearly doesn't agree with him at all. If he continues to drink it and be abusive then I would say cut your losses and leave.

LegacyUser

Well I finished with im Saturday Night, Packed his bags and he is now living back with is parents.
He was warned, three warnings I gave him but yet again he turned Nasty.
He is now texting me saying he snook a few whiskeys into him at the bar, excuses, excuses.
He has lost me for good, I feel a BIG relief now that he is gone and feel so stupid for putting up with it. It's going to be hard, being a single parent, but both me and my daugher will be much better off.
We were at my friends party, a guy(my friends cousin) came up to me and my bf and said to me, "hi how are you, I haven't seen you in years, have you been keeping quiet" I just said "hi". And that is seriously all that was spoke between me and the guy because I seen my bf's face turn red with anger and he threw the guy a filthy look, I was mortified.The whole night long he was watching me, he didn't seem to want me to talk to anyone. I'm supposedly good looking and he hates any male attention I get, even though I don't ever even speak a word to or look in the direction of another male. I'm not like that. Well when we got home, I went into our daughter(17 months old) to check on her, he followed me in and start shouting " you really let me down tonight, who was that lad that said hello, you should have told him to f*** off, I bet you were with him before, you really let me down, you are nothing but a big spastic, and i don't even want to be with you anymore, do you realise that" I said ok that's that sorted now stop shouting our daughter is asleep. He said "all you are to me is the person that took my daughter away"(the last time we split he only saw her twice a week, court order due to his drinking) He went on and on. I was pretending to be asleep so he would stop shouting infront of my daughter, he just kept poking me in the side to give me more abuse. His mother came into the room at this stage(she had been babysitting), he closed the door on her pushing her out and shouting "get to be fu***d and F*** off with yourself. I said "don't speak to your mother like that, he started on me again. The next morning I got up with my daughter and was heading to my parents house to give him time to pack his things, he told me " You can go to hell, you little sneaky ****"
Now he hasn't stop txting me, saying how sorry he is, blaming the whiskey, saying he loves me and saying what an idiot he has been.
Lucky excape for me I think!
And it was him pressuring me to get married for definite.
I agree that the truth comes out when you are drunk, he is a nasty jealous control freak.
I think I really only got back with him to make it work for my daughters sake, but she is better off with just me.

r3nu4l

Good for you I hope it works out okay for you. If he was blaming the whiskey this time then it's obvioulsy not vodka that short-wires his brain, he's just nasty! :mad: As I said in my previous post vodka is definitely a bad one for me whereas whiskey etc are fine, I become a nasty person on vodka so I stay away from it.

He's obviously very insecure and emotionally immature if he doesn't like you talking to other guys. God, if I was like that Mrs. r3nu4l would have kicked me to touch a long time ago and rightly so

Best of luck with it OP!

franksm

Fair play, OP, you did the best thing. Your last sentence there is really what it boils down to. Please don't relent in the future, you really have done the best thing. You'll feel a weight off your shoulders pretty soon

Chinafoot

Jaysus! OP, I think if you had put all of that information in your first post the advice you initially received would have been very different.

Definitely the best thing you could do.

Hopefully you'll stay strong and not let him worm his way back in.

tbh

what2do wrote:

....

I'd like to meet your daughter in 15 years so I can tell her what a brave woman her mammy is - I suspect she'll already know. Good on you. Stay strong.

Odaise Gaelach

what2do wrote:

Lucky excape for me I think!

(I can barely believe that I'm saying this), but congratulations for breaking up with him. Really, you did the right thing, for you and especially your daughter.

Now stay strong! Don't give him another chance! It might be tough, but it's for the better. Remember, we're rooting for ya!

Anti

Next time he speaks to you like that, give him some of his own. Abuse him from a height infront of his friends, then walk away. See how he likes it !

Capt'n Midnight

what2do wrote:

(the last time we split he only saw her twice a week, court order due to his drinking)

what2do wrote:

It has happened on three occasions now. He has appologised the next morning, says he doesn't even remember saying it. He has even said he'll give up vodka cos it drives him mad. I'm really doubting our relationship, vodka couldn't be the sole cause of him acting like this could it? Could he be getting too comfortable with me, thinking he can treat me like this?

Possibly to probably. Unfortunatly the best predictor we have for the future is the past. And despite all your warnings / court order he was only talking about giving up Vodka.

As for giving him abuse, not really worth it unless it does you good. You seem to have spent plenty of time on him already and he had plenty of chances to change. Didn't sound like a good environment for your daughter

I hope you feel a weight off your shoulders.