I want out

peekabo

The last two years I have been telling my husband that I want out of the relationship, but it isn't happening and I don't know what to do now. I say it then he yells and cries and yells somemore until I give in and say I will stay. I don't have any friends or family around that I could rely on, all I have is him.
I know his wants and need as he tells me them everyday, he wants and needs me. If I say I want to go somewhere he will moan and complain until I don't go. I am stuck. I have no money to my name so I can't leave and take the kids with me.
I have been to the citizen advice and they told me what I'm entitled too but that takes him leaving or me leaving, and he won't leave.
I'm just so disheartened, I thought things would be a bit better than this, that my life was worth more than just being someones play thing.
I told him that I don't want to have sex with him, but he demands it and I give in, there have been a few occasions where I have cried during it but he just keeps going.
Is it wrong to want more from life.

Zombrex

Its seems to me the only think stopping you leaving is you. He is passive agressive with you (the crying etc), but you haven't mentioned violence so I assume he isn't physically stopping you from leaving.

So what is stopping you? What are you waiting to happen?

ferdi

christ that sounds rough, your husband sounds like a maniac (no offence) and while i'm no expert (on anything) i'd imagine that him demanding sex and then carrying on as you cry during it must constitute some kind of abuse?
how old are the kids?
where are your family?

peekabo

My family are on the otherside of the country. The kids are 6 and 8.
Wicknight, I can't just leave, I have no money, everything is in his name, all I have are my clothes. I can't drive and live a bit away from everything.

sambora

Do you not have any close friends around you that you can trust? It's undertsandable that you can't drive but have you not thought about getting a train to whereever your family are located.

Surely there has to be someone who is willing to help you and offer some support. Don't give up. But don't give in to him

Zombrex

peekabo wrote:

My family are on the otherside of the country. The kids are 6 and 8.
Wicknight, I can't just leave, I have no money, everything is in his name, all I have are my clothes. I can't drive and live a bit away from everything.

Do you have no access to any money? How do you buy food etc? Are you saying you don't have enough money, or access to enough money, for a bus ticket to your parents, or enough to stay in B&B for a few nights till you get sorted?

If that is the case you need to go to the police as well as ring your health board.

Either of them will get you in contact with a social worker. Explain to them what you have told us, that you are being emotionally abused by your husband and wish to leave but you have no access to any money and no place to go. They will probably be able to put you into tempory accomadation, such as a B&B and then get you set up on social welfare until you can find a job.

You should also ring the legal aid board and explain the situation. As a wife you have rights. If you have not done so already you need to start documenting all events between yourself and your husband, especially any conversations you have over leaving, and how he reacts. Be specific, if he picks up a mug and smashes it write that down, if he starts crying and balling llike a child, write that down. If in the future there is an issue of custody of the children you will need this to explain why you left.

I know it seems like a lot but people in your situation leave all the time, there are systems in place to help you. You need to get all the advice you can, particulary from advice and aid boards and the health board (the local police can sometimes be a bit unhelpful).

But ultimately it will boil down to you eventually having to stand up against him and his manipulation. If you can't do this then you won't ever be able to leave

tbh

peekabo, the first and most important thing I want to say to you is:

This situation is not going to change without some action on your part

I know how hard things must be for you, and I'm not saying you *should* leave, but whatever you do, you have to understand that fact. Don't make the decision based on the assumption that your husband might see the light himself. Anyway, It's easy for me to say, I know. The only practical advice I could give you would be that if you decide to leave, understand that it doesn't have to be overnight. Talk to your parents, and explain what you plan to do. Get your stuff organised, and then - bang - out the door. From what you've said, a case could be potentially be brought against your husband for rape, but I'm assuming you know that already.

One last thing - your children are learning that it is normal for a man to treat a woman this way.

I wish you all the best. and mostly - courage.

peekabo

Thank you all for your advice, I just needed to get the words out there.
To those who asked about money, I do a big shopping with im once a week, he pays, then I get twenty euro to do the rest of the weeks bits and pieces, it would be noticed if it was gone.
It wasn't always like this (well the money always was) but his attitude wasn't it has just gone steadly down hill. He is a good few years older than me and that is one of his complaint that if I leave him then he will be on his own forever. He has often said that if I leave he will kill himself.

Beruthiel

What age are your kids?
Can you not get some sort of a part time job? This would help to start getting yourself back on your feet. Sounds like you have lost all independance because you rely totally on him. A job is the first move.

free2fly

peekabo wrote:

Thank you all for your advice, I just needed to get the words out there.
To those who asked about money, I do a big shopping with im once a week, he pays, then I get twenty euro to do the rest of the weeks bits and pieces, it would be noticed if it was gone.
It wasn't always like this (well the money always was) but his attitude wasn't it has just gone steadly down hill. He is a good few years older than me and that is one of his complaint that if I leave him then he will be on his own forever. He has often said that if I leave he will kill himself.

He's controlling and possesive from the sound of that. He is also playing on your emotions and trying to make you fell guilty. And it sounds like he is succeeding. I was in just such a marriage myself. PM me OP and we can chat privately if you like.

Sam Vimes

peekabo wrote:

My family are on the otherside of the country. The kids are 6 and 8.
Wicknight, I can't just leave, I have no money, everything is in his name, all I have are my clothes. I can't drive and live a bit away from everything.

you can make excuses your whole life. you can't spend the next 20 years living with someone like that because you feel unable to scrape a few euro together. stop threatening to leave him and just leave him. take the shopping money one week and buy some train tickets. go and stay with that family you have on the other side of the country. they'll put you up until you file for divorce and then he'll have to pay you maintenance.


honestly, the only thing stopping you from leaving is yourself and the lack of belief in yourself that he's caused you to have. it'll be hard but not as hard as living with him for your whole life

cheeky_guy

Maybe you should have a secret affair?? At least that way you will be able to let off some steam, you'll have a male companion that is not your husband, it will make you stronger and it will be a lot easier to bear life at home especially for the kids sake??

Faith

You can do it one of two ways, the long way and the short way.

Both involve actually doing something constructive. You complain that you want to leave him, but you're not actually doing anything about it.

The short way: Ring your family, tell them the story, ask them to send you money and hop on the next bus out of there with your kids when your husband is at work. You can rebuild your life when you're away from him. Get over your pride or whatever it is that's holding you back.

The long way: Get a job, earn some money. Learn to drive. Get some independance. Then you have all the tools you need to leave him.

By the way, if you say no to sex and he forces it on you, that's rape, whether you're married or not.

peekabo

Thank you all for your words, I have already told my mother about most of the situation and although she sympathises she wouldn't be able to put me and the kids up for any extended period.

Slutmonkey57b

You don't need an extended period, you just need a couple of days to see social services, talk to the police etc. You can be put in temporary accommodation while everything gets sorted out.

Zombrex

peekabo wrote:

Thank you all for your words, I have already told my mother about most of the situation and although she sympathises she wouldn't be able to put me and the kids up for any extended period.

It doesn't need to be for an extendend period, your social worker should be able to look after you.

You do need to get proper legal advice about your children though. You can't just up an leave with them and expect that is the end of that. If you handle it wrong you can cause yourself trouble down the line with things like custody hearings. You need to talk to a family law solicator, or the free legal advice board. Possibly tell the police, or the social worker, that your husband has treated to commit suicide if you ever leave. They will hopefully be reluctant to hand children into the hands of someone who is suicidal.

You should also get legal advice about what money you are entitled to if any, and you need to start legal seperation proceedings.

The quicker you do all this the better, especially if you cannot stay with your parents for too long

peekabo

When I had gone to the citizen advice they told me that I had the right to stay in the house with the children as I am their primary carer but he won't leave.

hunnymonster

I've had a look at

http://www.womensaid.ie/
http://www.citizensinformation.ie/categories

It appears that what you need to try to obtain is a barring order. The law criminalizes rape, including within marriage,and provides for free legal advice to victims of serious sexual assault. This is what has happened to you but I am not a legel expert. I would assume the onus is on you to prove your husband raped you. Do you have any way you might go about this? You need to contact a solicitor and get proper advice.

stifz

peekabo wrote:

When I had gone to the citizen advice they told me that I had the right to stay in the house with the children as I am their primary carer but he won't leave.

You can get a barring order which remove him from the house. I'd advise the kids be out when the gardai call to serve it. This will keep him from the house for a short period of time. I'm unsure of the financial situation but i think with social workers if involved can request food & bill money immediately from him as he is the sole earner in the household. Alternatively you can contact a womens rescue centre - they collect you & your kids and give you shelter for a few days while you get things rolling. They'll also mgive you advice which i think you dearly need outside and away from the family unit & home.If you stay in this situation violence will enter into it soon or later through frustration. The biggest move is the first step - it will fall into place after that.

Sorry to hear your trouble. Life is too short to remain under someone elses control. change it.

Oryx

Firstly, can I wish you strength and courage in dealing with this. Do as you have been advised, I know you have started this already. Educate yourself on what your entitlements are, such as:

If you leave temporarily, can you have him removed from the family home and get back in yourself?
What are you entitled to financially?
Should you expect to have custody of the kids?

DONT give into his threats, promises and cajoling. You are not responsible for anything he does, he is. Dont feel like you are. Make him live his own life, stop propping him up. Youve been down that road before, I think you know he is not going to change. You know your marriage is over, you just need the strength to make the break. You will be amazed once you start moving on this, how many people will actually help you. The St Vincent de Paul might be worth contacting for intial money when you get out, they can put you in touch with womens shelters. Your county clinic can usually get you emergency funds while your social welfare is sorted out.

I really feel for you. I hope you get to do this, and be happy.

wheelbarrow

Jasus.....puts my little life into perspective...

If he saw sense and changed his ways would that change you?

Could you head off for a few days (with the kids) leave him a note, don`t go to parents, don`t tell him were you are. Perhaps he would change.......

As mentioned above there is a quick and a long way out. With the long way out you are only punishing you.

Do you have any you time? Away from himself, away from the kids?

Sam Vimes

if you're nearer to dublin than your relatives, i could guarantee that my mother would put you up for a while. she did it before for some spanish students that had had not place to stay. she's a saint, that woman

Black Swan

How sad. Can you seek part or full-time employment? That would be your first move towards independence.

peekabo

Thank you all.
Commander, thank you very much for that but I am living on the other side of the country, in Limerick.