I'm just a jealous guy

LegacyUser

Just want to thank everyone who regularly contributes to the personal issues board. I have been helped alot through having posts answered and also through reading others.

I have a problem, I think. I love my girlfriend. I have sexual urges towards other women. When I think of another man coming on to her, or doing anything sexual with her, and her responding, I actually feel pain physically, a sort of tingling numbness. This I think makes me obsessive, possesive. I am tormented every minute of every day with the idea that we should break up, on the grounds that we are mentally at much different stages (there is a 6 year age gap), and want much different things out of life, but reel from the thought of her having another lover while we are broken up, in case we get back together. The thing is, how can people go out to clubs and every weekend have sexual intercourse with diferent partners. Its mentally sick! Where is the love? Am I having these feelings because of my deep love for someone I am sexually involved with? I'm 28 and this is my first girlfriend(together a year).Ive never had these painful thoughts before. Is it part of being a man and learning to put up with these frustrations and burns? Its killing me and really affecting the relationship. Is anyone faithful anymore? Is it difficult to find a girl who is faithful to her man? Do they exist? Please, some reality. I am completely confused.

Ishindar

sounds like u are in love . a good partner will make u feel that u will never have to worry about infadelity. maybe have a little chat with her about your feelings, maybe she feels the same even.

Ruu_Old

You need to go with the flow and stop thinking about the next day, let it happen and enjoy your time with your partner. Its fine for other people to have different sexual partners each week, everyone is different, so repect that. I think you answered your own question, you can't see yourself with another girl, so the sleeping with different partners would seem a bit strange to you. There are lots of faithful people around.

Chinafoot

lederhosen555 wrote:

I love my girlfriend. I have sexual urges towards other women. When I think of another man coming on to her, or doing anything sexual with her, and her responding, I actually feel pain physically, a sort of tingling numbness.

Ok I'm a little confused. You have sexual urges towards other women but your worry is that your girlfriend is going to cheat on you? Is this what the problem is? Do you have any intention of acting on these urges that you have? If not then I don't see why you would be stressing about your girlfriend doing it. Has she cheated on you before?

lederhosen555 wrote:

I am tormented every minute of every day with the idea that we should break up, on the grounds that we are mentally at much different stages (there is a 6 year age gap), and want much different things out of life, but reel from the thought of her having another lover while we are broken up, in case we get back together.

Stop over-thinking everything. If you look for problems hard enough you will often find them, although truth be told, it'll be you that creates them. Stop worry about what will happen if you break up and after. As for the age gap and wanting different things - deal with those issues should they arise.

lederhosen555 wrote:

The thing is, how can people go out to clubs and every weekend have sexual intercourse with diferent partners. Its mentally sick! Where is the love? Am I having these feelings because of my deep love for someone I am sexually involved with?

If you think it's mentally sick then just be content in the knowledge that you have a relationship with somebody you love and you don't need to do the "one night stand thing"

lederhosen555 wrote:

I'm 28 and this is my first girlfriend(together a year).Ive never had these painful thoughts before. Is it part of being a man and learning to put up with these frustrations and burns?

You're in love and it's your first proper relationship. Worrying about everything to such an extent will do more harm than good to your relationship. Have you spoken to your girlfriend about your feelings?

lederhosen555 wrote:

Its killing me and really affecting the relationship. Is anyone faithful anymore? Is it difficult to find a girl who is faithful to her man? Do they exist? Please, some reality. I am completely confused.

I'm also confused. Has she cheated on you? Do you have any reason to believe that she might have? If not then why are you worrying about this?

Sit her down and talk to her before your paranoia (sorry but thats how it comes across) destroys what could be a lasting relationship.

Beruthiel

lederhosen555 wrote:

Is anyone faithful anymore? Is it difficult to find a girl who is faithful to her man? Do they exist?.

Of course they exist.
Why exactly are you asking this question, has your g/f given you reason to suspect that she is cheating?
Think you need to relax and just enjoy the relationship. Quit thinking so much.

Talliesin

lederhosen555 wrote:

I love my girlfriend.

Good.

lederhosen555 wrote:

I have sexual urges towards other women.

Diagnosis: You are a heterosexual man.

lederhosen555 wrote:

When I think of another man coming on to her, or doing anything sexual with her, and her responding, I actually feel pain physically, a sort of tingling numbness.

What the hell is the connection here?

You feel attracted towards other women, therefore you start thinking about your girlfriend with other men?

Sorry, but I'm missing a big chunk as to how these things connect.

You feel attracted towards some people because you are a human and the vast majority of humans feel sexual attraction towards other humans. This is how there are humans in the world. Indeed it's true for all higher animals. You're orientated towards members of the opposite sex, which is the most common orientation. All in all this is pretty normal.

Just because you are attracted to other women doesn't mean you have to actually try to have sex with them. Nor does it mean that the rest of us who are attracted to women can't wait to get our hands on your girlfriend. Nor does the fact that your girlfriend is attracted to men (hopefully, you've got worse problems if she isn't) mean that she's necessarily going to jump into bed with everyone.

lederhosen555 wrote:

I am tormented every minute of every day with the idea that we should break up, on the grounds that we are mentally at much different stages (there is a 6 year age gap),

What ages?

lederhosen555 wrote:

and want much different things out of life,

What exactly? How incompatible really?

lederhosen555 wrote:

but reel from the thought of her having another lover while we are broken up, in case we get back together.

Woah! Now I'm at least three steps behind you.

Okay, the first step is to do with the small age gap (if she's 34 I wouldn't worry about it, if she's 22 it might be an issue if she overtakes you; if you go from being an immature 28 to an immature 32 year old and she grows with her age you could grow apart) and the different things you want from life. Right, I get that, just don't have much in the way of details.

Step two is you split up. Now I don't have enough to see why is sensible, as I said, but I'll take your word for it.

Step three is you get back together. WTF?

Sorry, at this point you clearly aren't thinking about whether you should split up at all, you're running little hypothetical soap-operas through your head and then fretting about it. You might as well worry about whether Michelle is going to keep Dirty Den's baby (yes, it's a long time since I've watched a soap).

lederhosen555 wrote:

The thing is, how can people go out to clubs and every weekend have sexual intercourse with diferent partners. Its mentally sick! Where is the love?

Thanks for that little moral sermon. I'm glad to know what sexual behaviour someone who makes mental leaps from normal sexual desire to picturing his girlfriend with other men considers mentally ill.

What exactly is the point of this though?

Unless someone is pointing a gun to your head and demanding you go to a club and have intercourse with different partners every weekend, what does this have to do with anything?

lederhosen555 wrote:

Am I having these feelings because of my deep love for someone I am sexually involved with?

Yes and no. Yes, you wouldn't be having such ideas about your girlfriend if you didn't have one. No, it is not a measure of your love, nor is it a requirement of true love to have any particular degree of jealousy, non-jealous or to make any particular sexual lifestyle choice.

Sometimes I think everyone who writes trashy romantic fiction where being jealous to the point of irrationality means that such a person has a deeper love than the rest of us should have their hands cut off. The only times I don't think this it's due to considerations around due process and appeal.

lederhosen555 wrote:

I'm 28 and this is my first girlfriend(together a year).

While this isn't uncommon, it is relatively old to first have a girlfriend. It's perhaps not unrelated to the fact that you do sound rather like a 14 year old who's upset because the girl he likes sat next to a popular boy in class.

lederhosen555 wrote:

Ive never had these painful thoughts before.

Of course you've never had painful thoughts about your girlfriend when you didn't have one.

lederhosen555 wrote:

Is it part of being a man and learning to put up with these frustrations and burns?

No. It's part of being the sort of person who tortures themselves with imaginary infidelities instead of getting on with living their life with the person they love.

lederhosen555 wrote:

Is anyone faithful anymore? Is it difficult to find a girl who is faithful to her man? Do they exist?

No, every one of them is secretly going to swingers parties you don't know about.:rolleyes:

Really, what kind of worldview do you have?

If you can manage to go through the day without having sex with someone other than your girlfriend why can't you believe that other people can manage to be monogamous too?

lederhosen555 wrote:

Please, some reality.

I think you may need some help getting that dose of reality. Reality is all around you, we can't give you any - the horse has been led to water but isn't drinking.

If you really can't get your head around the fact that your girlfriend may not be sleeping with other men you should get some counselling.

spacecoyote

there are plenty of faithful people still around, believe me. Myself & the girlfriend have gone right through the 3 year mark without any doubts or fears (on my behalf definitely). I think you need to examine it more from your own perspective. Maybe the fact that you're having urges towards other women is making you think that "if i'm thinking of doing it, she must be too". You sound like you love her, maybe you just need to have a little more faith in her, especially if its someone you want to spend your life with. you can't spend all time obsessing about "What ifs....."

Black Swan

I may flirt a bit, that's my nature. But I would never cheat on The One. And if single, one-night-stands have no appeal for me. So chill out, talk to your g/f, and don't give another thought to the age difference. If you're in love, it makes no difference.

Zombrex

lederhosen555 wrote:

I am tormented every minute of every day with the idea that we should break up

Well that ain't good. You are probably putting too much pressure into the relationship

lederhosen555 wrote:

The thing is, how can people go out to clubs and every weekend have sexual intercourse with diferent partners. Its mentally sick! Where is the love?

Its got very little to do with love.

lederhosen555 wrote:

Am I having these feelings because of my deep love for someone I am sexually involved with?

Honestly, no you aren't

You are having these feelings because of your own insecurities and issues. Your girlfriend is filling a void in your life, providing a crutch so to speak, and it is the lost of this that you get so upset about, not really your girlfriend herself.

That isn't to say you don't love her deeply, but when you start panicking about you two breaking up that isn't because of love.

lederhosen555 wrote:

I'm 28 and this is my first girlfriend(together a year).

Well that would explain it.

Everyone is like this with their first few relationships. Its a learning experience. We gradually learn the difference between the host of emotions we experience when dating someone.

lederhosen555 wrote:

Its killing me and really affecting the relationship.

Well I would love to be able to give you some helpful advice here, but from my own experience, and the experiences of others, it will affect this relationship, and probably the next and the next. Thats just life. You will eventually learn how to deal with it, and you will find yourself not obsessing over things as much. After my first girlfriend broke up with me I sobbed like a baby for days and was miserable for months. After my last girlfriend broke up with me I was miserable for a few days but then got over it, despite the fact that I liked the last one much more than the first one.

There are two things in play in an relationship, one is the girl herself, and one is the relationship itself. The two aren't necessarily dependent on the other. I think everyone knows a person who seems to fall head over heels with every guy she (in my case I know a she) goes out with, but then as soon as it settles down she dumbs him and gets someone new. In her case she is "in love" with the relationship, especially the feeling from a new relationship, not neccessiarly the person themselves. But she will still tell you that she is love with the person, even though you know she will dumb his ass in about 4 months.

The point I'm making is that in a relationship there are a ton of different emotions flowing around. When we are young and inexperienced we tend to classify these all as "love", particulary being in love with someone specific, because that is the way society (ie hollywood movies) teach us to. In reality a lot of the emotions, especially those to do with obsession or jealousy have very little to do with the other person, and everything to do with our own needs and insecurities.

So it is important to realise this to tackle and over come these darker sides human nature. Your obsession about your girlfriend leaving you, or being with someone else, is not really anything to do with her specifically. It is to do with your insecurities, your feelings of inadequecy (don't worry everyone has those) and abandoment. The relationship provides a block to these negative emotions, but if it is removed these will flood back. That is what you fear the most. You don't fear losing your girlfriend, you fear losing your relationship, and everything that that provides.

My only advice to you is to try and look honestly at your emotions, why you feel things the way you do. People learn this through experience (for example when you realise you feel a specific emotion or fear exactly the same about the next girlfriend, and the next etc you start to realise the feeling is to do with you, not them), and through looking at themselves honestly. Some people dont do this and go through life confused and upset.

Good luck

Maccattack

Remedy: Give yourself a kick in d'arse.

You dont own anybody. Dont expect other people to adjust themselves because you cant adjust yourself.

Snap out of it!

LegacyUser

this says more about you than her.

But I understand where you are coming from. You are in love and maybe you don't even realise how much you love your girlfriend.

I'm a jealous guy too. My current g/f has been with 6 guys before me (sexually). She's kissed loads of guys.

That hurts.

But that means I am heavily emotionally attached to her, and I don't think that's healthy for me at this stage of my life. Maybe it's not healthy for you either.

You have to realise that sex isn't really a big deal. People have sex all the time. You have to be able to control your emotions and learn to understand that people have sex all the time and it's natural and normal.

Saying that, I think to be truely happy you need to change your mindset. You need to grow some balls.

Accept that women cheat and so do men. That's also natural. Did you know that only a small percentage of your sperm can actually fertilise an egg? (roughly 4-5%). The other percentage is a coauglent and it's called fighter sperm and it's function is to fight with other sperm in the vagina. ANd you wouldn't be made like that if women didn't cheat. It's to her advantage evolutionary to cheat so that she gets the best baby from the best sperm. If you want to read more about that, read a great book called sperm wars by robin baker.

So I believe that you should go out and meet women on a day to day basis. Talk to them, build relationships and build your social muscles to a place where you are comfortable talking to women and can go from meeting a woman to having sex with her very easily. Then you will be able to build a solid relationship with a girl and know in your heart that you can easily replace her with an even more beautiful girl if she does cheat or do anything that you are not happy with. And she will love you for it because you'll have a non needy and non insecure attitude. That should be a long term goal.

In the short term, depending on the nature of the relationship (if you're sure she really loves you), let her know you feel jealous. She will actually like it and feel loved.

In life my motto is, you have to be prepared to walk anything.

Live that.

A Primal Nut

lederhosen555 wrote:

The thing is, how can people go out to clubs and every weekend have sexual intercourse with diferent partners. Its mentally sick! Where is the love?

Coz, its fun, you don't need love to enjoy sex. As long as she has a savage body.:D You admit yourself you get urges for other girls, so whats wrong with acting on them, if you don't have a girlfriend of course. I'm a great believer in not suppressing our natural sexual urges and desires.

But what has this got to do with your girlfriend. She doesn't do this, so I don't really see how you can say "the thing is" and then talk about something that has nothing to do with your girlfriend. Your blaming your girlfriend coz other people have sex with different partners?

Is anyone faithful anymore? Is it difficult to find a girl who is faithful to her man? Do they exist? Please, some reality. I am completely confused.

Why do you find it so difficult? You've never had a girlfriend before, and as far as you know your current girlfriend has been faithful. So why do you assume its difficult to find a faithful partner, if you've had no experience thus far of an unfaithful partner.

Incdientally, the more you worry about breaking up the more you will push her way. The last thing a girl wants is neediness or obsessive behaviour, or you depending on her for your personal happiness. Enjoy life, take up other hobbies, keep seeing your male friends as much as you used to.

Zombrex

ered9898 wrote:

In the short term, depending on the nature of the relationship (if you're sure she really loves you), let her know you feel jealous. She will actually like it and feel loved.

I personally wouldn't recommend that. Obsessive, jealous and needy aren't exactly attractive qualities in a person, and most people don't equate jealousy with love, so I doubt she would.

Beetlebum

Wicknight wrote:

Well that ain't good. You are probably putting too much pressure into the relationship


Its got very little to do with love.


Honestly, no you aren't

You are having these feelings because of your own insecurities and issues. Your girlfriend is filling a void in your life, providing a crutch so to speak, and it is the lost of this that you get so upset about, not really your girlfriend herself.

That isn't to say you don't love her deeply, but when you start panicking about you two breaking up that isn't because of love.


Well that would explain it.

Everyone is like this with their first few relationships. Its a learning experience. We gradually learn the difference between the host of emotions we experience when dating someone.


Well I would love to be able to give you some helpful advice here, but from my own experience, and the experiences of others, it will affect this relationship, and probably the next and the next. Thats just life. You will eventually learn how to deal with it, and you will find yourself not obsessing over things as much. After my first girlfriend broke up with me I sobbed like a baby for days and was miserable for months. After my last girlfriend broke up with me I was miserable for a few days but then got over it, despite the fact that I liked the last one much more than the first one.

There are two things in play in an relationship, one is the girl herself, and one is the relationship itself. The two aren't necessarily dependent on the other. I think everyone knows a person who seems to fall head over heels with every guy she (in my case I know a she) goes out with, but then as soon as it settles down she dumbs him and gets someone new. In her case she is "in love" with the relationship, especially the feeling from a new relationship, not neccessiarly the person themselves. But she will still tell you that she is love with the person, even though you know she will dumb his ass in about 4 months.

The point I'm making is that in a relationship there are a ton of different emotions flowing around. When we are young and inexperienced we tend to classify these all as "love", particulary being in love with someone specific, because that is the way society (ie hollywood movies) teach us to. In reality a lot of the emotions, especially those to do with obsession or jealousy have very little to do with the other person, and everything to do with our own needs and insecurities.

So it is important to realise this to tackle and over come these darker sides human nature. Your obsession about your girlfriend leaving you, or being with someone else, is not really anything to do with her specifically. It is to do with your insecurities, your feelings of inadequecy (don't worry everyone has those) and abandoment. The relationship provides a block to these negative emotions, but if it is removed these will flood back. That is what you fear the most. You don't fear losing your girlfriend, you fear losing your relationship, and everything that that provides.

My only advice to you is to try and look honestly at your emotions, why you feel things the way you do. People learn this through experience (for example when you realise you feel a specific emotion or fear exactly the same about the next girlfriend, and the next etc you start to realise the feeling is to do with you, not them), and through looking at themselves honestly. Some people dont do this and go through life confused and upset.

Good luck

This is really insightful, well thought out, intelligent advice. I've learnt a thing or two myself from reading it. I'd suggest re-reading this until it sinks in.

Don't be too hard on yourself either, everybody goes through stages of feeling insecure and it can quickly develop into obsession if you don't recognise it for what it is.

Best of luck

Talliesin

ered9898 wrote:

let her know you feel jealous. She will actually like it and feel loved.

What if she's got a healthy concept of love?

It is worth talking to her about how you feel though, since you've got a problem in your relationship that's hurting you, and its better to work on those things together.

dr.bollocko

lederhosen555 wrote:

Just want to thank everyone who regularly contributes to the personal issues board. I have been helped alot through having posts answered and also through reading others.

I have a problem, I think. I love my girlfriend. I have sexual urges towards other women. When I think of another man coming on to her, or doing anything sexual with her, and her responding, I actually feel pain physically, a sort of tingling numbness. This I think makes me obsessive, possesive. I am tormented every minute of every day with the idea that we should break up, on the grounds that we are mentally at much different stages (there is a 6 year age gap), and want much different things out of life, but reel from the thought of her having another lover while we are broken up, in case we get back together. The thing is, how can people go out to clubs and every weekend have sexual intercourse with diferent partners. Its mentally sick! Where is the love? Am I having these feelings because of my deep love for someone I am sexually involved with? I'm 28 and this is my first girlfriend(together a year).Ive never had these painful thoughts before. Is it part of being a man and learning to put up with these frustrations and burns? Its killing me and really affecting the relationship. Is anyone faithful anymore? Is it difficult to find a girl who is faithful to her man? Do they exist? Please, some reality. I am completely confused.

Is nobody going to say that its not ok to feel this way?
It ain't OK to feel a physical manifestation of pain because of jealousy? (Unless you are the Hulk or maybe Wolverine.)
Also living in fear everyday that she might break up with you? That is a surefire way of prematurely ending a relationship.
Again, I could be incredibly off track here, but this all needs to neediness, and desperation, which leads to emotional blackmail, which leads to little lies from her to make sure you are ok.
How can you have any fun or enjoyment if you are continually looking for re-assurance and for your girlfriend to raise your self-esteem. Thats unfair to her, and you attitude to the relationship leads to constant insecurity. As your grip tightens on her she will more than likely be scared off by your intensity, or be forced to promise you things she can never promise (forever etc.) and that will lead to resentment also. These are problems a 16 year old should have, not a 28 year old. But the good news is, as a 28 year old, you should have the emotional maturity to recognise the problem (as you have above) but step 2 is rectifying it.
I think we can all understand where you are coming from, nothing could ever make a man question his sanity like the woman he is in love with. But its time now to put thoughts like "Oh god, Im sure she's going to leave me today" out of your head. Its a self-fulfilling prophecy.

PS Is it difficult to find a girl whose faithful to her man?
No, the other way round tends to be the tricky one most times.

Zombrex

dr.bollocko wrote:

These are problems a 16 year old should have, not a 28 year old.

In fairness to the OP it has little to do with age, and a lot to do with experience. The OP says this is his first serious girlfriend. In my experience people only realise things like I mentioned in my above post after a 3 or 4 breakups, and sometimes not even then.

dr.bollocko wrote:

But its time now to put thoughts like "Oh god, Im sure she's going to leave me today" out of your head.

Unfortunately for the OP it is harder than it sounds. The OP needs to recongise his feelings for what they are, and then take steps to deal with the underlying insecurities that are causing these feelings. Simply not thinking about it isn't going to work. It might for a bit, a few days for example, but they will resurface eventually.

But you are right it is not healthy at all to be thinking like this, and these feelings aren't a result of a deep powerful love or any other hollywood hog wash like that. I'm not saying the OP isn't in love, but love doesn't produce the feelings he describes. Insecurity does.

dr.bollocko

Thats true. I know it isnt an easy path for the OP towards a solution, but he has to realise that he has the power to make a success of the relationship, and it involves letting go of these ulcerous emotions. There is no way that jealousy to that level and independence can co-exist in a happy relationship.
Of course it's never easy for someone to change such a range of negative emotions, but even if he has the ability to recognise when it is HIS problem and not hers, then thats step one in the right direction. I didnt mean to be cruel to the OP, or imply immaturity, merely to let him know that there are problems that he must work on that are more important than whether or not his girlfriend sleeps with someone else at some point. If you keep bottling that level of rogue emotions, it will produce so many scars you eventually won't want to get out of bed in the morning.

Kell

lederhosen555 wrote:

I love my girlfriend.

Great.

lederhosen555 wrote:

I have sexual urges towards other women.

Natural. Good so long as you do nothing to compromise your relationship

lederhosen555 wrote:

When I think of another man coming on to her, or doing anything sexual with her, and her responding, I actually feel pain physically, a sort of tingling numbness.

Perfectly natural.

lederhosen555 wrote:

I am tormented every minute of every day with the idea that we should break up

Not good. You are insecure about your relationship, yet you have no grounds to base you insecurity on. Freaking out about something that may never happen will only put a strain on your relationship and wind up pushing your partner away. Its also a self fulfilling prophecy. If you "think" you will split up with your girlfriend, you will. Its the internal sabotage part of your brain fúcking you up there. If you have confidence issues, go and sort them out.

lederhosen555 wrote:

The thing is, how can people go out to clubs and every weekend have sexual intercourse with diferent partners. Its mentally sick! Where is the love?

Its not sick. Some people view sex for what it is- a physical act. Love invariably makes it better but you can also have terribly unfulfilling sex with someone you love.

lederhosen555 wrote:

Is it part of being a man and learning to put up with these frustrations and burns? Its killing me and really affecting the relationship. Is anyone faithful anymore? Is it difficult to find a girl who is faithful to her man? Do they exist? Please, some reality. I am completely confused.

I think its more to do with you being in your first long termer and getting used to the idea of loving someone. Its not actually difficult to find people who are 100% faithful at all. The only problem here is you and your insecurities, so again, do yourself a favour and go and address them before you ruin your relationship and the next few until you address this problem.

Dang- having just scrolled down I see Wicky has beaten me to it with the same advice. Dang and bah.

K-

LegacyUser

Thanks alot for all the replies, Kell, wicknight, and ered9898 in particular. I now know that what I have is a subproduct of my dependency problems, and insecurities. She is not the problem, I am. I need to act with more confidence in the relationship, and more than likely that will help me to diferenciate between proper problems and well, this.