Im Driving my Partner Mad

LegacyUser

Some people are able to sort things out in their head, I don’t seem to be able to and its causing the down fall in my relationship with my partner.
Things are so muddled that I find it hard to even write things down here.

I am not even sure about being sure or if I’m over reacting or not over-reacting to certain things. Am quite an intellectual person, but when it comes to intelligence for matters of the heart, I simply don’t seem to have it. I come across quite stupid.

I am going out with a lovely guy at the moment. But my sadness or something seems to be driving a wedge between us. I love him so much. I love everything about him. His smile, his laugh, the way he makes me feel. His touch, his smell, you could say am completely head over heels in love with him. We really really get on well at the best of times, until I freak out over something, make him feel bad, he apologises and then I forgive. Well last night I freaked out over something again. This time he did not apologise and simply told me he couldn’t do this anymore, that he loved me but had had enough.

I have been thinking for the last few months that I am not good enough for him, simply because I think he deserves better with regards me moaning, grumpy etc. he doesn’t deserve that. He does things that antagonise me, but I have a tendency to blow it all out of proportion.

The relationship is hanging on a thread at the moment. I managed to calm him down last night. I am making him feel like he is not good enough for me. I don’t think I have very high standards, but once Ive a bee in my bonnet about something, its there for quite a bit.

I seem to take more offence to things he says that upsets me, maybe because I adore him so much, I almost get protective. For example, if someone said something to me Id brush it off and wouldn’t care, but with him it is different. I get all stupid (probably for fear of looking stupid).

I need help. I have apologised to him already and he said that he would forgive me and that he still loved me, but I am unsure what that means – whether its on or off. There must be something that I can do to stop this. Something to show him how much I care. I need to get help on this one. I need to stop being such a head case, but I don’t know how and its eating me alive.

Am a normal, educated woman in her 20’s. What the hell is going on with me? Why do I keep acting like this when I know I could loose him?

Thanks.

Sleepy

I freak out over something, make him feel bad, he apologises and then I forgive.

Here's your problem. You're making him apologise for your out-bursts when it's you that should be apologising.

Red Alert

your intellectual ability as you describe it in your post jumped out at me as i read this. are you and he of seriously different mental abilities, or rather are you what i'd call a complex person? i like to draw a differentiation between people's IQ and their so-called EQ or emotional intelligence. one of my ex's was one of the most complex and contradictory people i ever met. she had a disturbingly deep personality, but on the flip side showed little interest in education or knowledge. i have also met very bright people intellectually who have no cop on whatsoever.

do you express anger or frustration the wrong way? like take it out on the wrong person? maybe it's not his fault but you make it so.

koneko

You do need help, but I don't think anyone here can provide it. Have you ever spoken to a qualified person about the way you behave... like a therapist, or at least your GP so he can refer you? If that comes across as mean that really is not my intention, but it sounds like you have difficulty dealing with your emotions or emotional outbursts, and you mentioned your sadness.

tbh

You see the thing about a relationship is, you put yourself in a position where another person can affect whether you are happy or sad, and you don't have any control over that. Usually, we have some influence over the things that affect us - or we think we do - but with a relationship, you have to go out on a limb, and trust that the other person feels the same way about us as we do about them. it's rewarding if it goes well, but it's also a bit scarey. We could tell the other person how much we love them, but despite our best efforts, the other person could change their mind and there is nothing we can do.

it sounds to me like your relationship is a bit imbalanced, and that seems to come from you. For whatever reason, I think you are afraid to let this guy really in to your life - do your rows follow a particular pattern? for example, i was going out with a girl before where our main rows would be after sex - she would let her guard down, if you like, and sleep with me, but then she'd get a bit freaked out that we had been so intimate, and we'd end up fighting over something stupid. I realised that it was her way of pushing me back after I got close to her, and she did it because she was afraid I'd hurt her.

do you think something like this applys to you? have you had trust issues in the past? It sounds like on some level you are not letting yourself be happy - possibly your self-esteem is low and you dont believe on some level that you deserve to be happy? of course thats just a shot in the dark, I hope it works out for you.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the interesting replies. They have made me think.

It’s not a simple as saying the problem is because I am making him apologise. What I’m trying to get across here is that there shouldn’t be a problem in the first place, at least not that serious that he has to apologise to each other.

There is definitely some kind of pattern with the fighting. Did you ever love someone so much that instead of coming closer together, it drove you apart?

I am terrified of loosing him, not just since last night, but this has been going on a few months. Maybe I am so terrified that fighting/arguing with him is like a self-defence?

This is when my mind gets all foggy and flustered.

I don’t know if I would consider myself a complex person, but am always reading into things/over thinking – ALL THE TIME!!! I need to relax and learn to control whats going on. I am more than willing to do that for him.

Sometimes if I feel he is sad or down or something, probably nothing to do with me at all, I get terribly upset. Go all quiet, miserable, start over thinking in my head. Then I pick about something, pick, pick, pick until he concedes.

He must love me a hell of a lot to put up with it/let it go on for so long, it breaks my heart that I don’t seem to be able to control myself. Its quite scary when you feel you are loosing control.

Just writing here, saying I’ve a problem, is a bit of a relief actually.

Beruthiel

AtWitsEnd wrote:

I am making him feel like he is not good enough for me.

What are you doing to make him feel that and more importantly, why are you doing it?

I seem to take more offence to things he says that upsets me,

So it's ok for you to complain about stuff he does, but it's not ok for him to do the same?

For example, if someone said something to me Id brush it off and wouldn’t care, but with him it is different. I get all stupid (probably for fear of looking stupid).

You need to relax and take it on the chin.

I have apologised to him already and he said that he would forgive me and that he still loved me

He will only do this for so long before the straw breaks the camels back. You have to realise that if you apologise for something, it's because you are sorry and you intend for it not to happen again. If however, you keep doing the same thing, at some stage he will have had all he can takes, it gets tired and as it's not getting fixed/sorted out, then what's the whole point?
You admit this is your problem, not his. If you wish to keep him, sit him down and tell him it won't happen again. Keep your word on that and bite your tongue. Teach yourself to be more understanding. Nobody's perfect.

but I am unsure what that means – whether its on or off.

Only he can tell you that.

There must be something that I can do to stop this.

Normally, if you broke up you'd learn quite a few lessons about the relationship, the lessons would teach you how to behave differently in the next relationship. If you don't want it to get to that, you've got to pull out all the stops and teach yourself to behave.

Something to show him how much I care. I need to get help on this one. I need to stop being such a head case, but I don’t know how and its eating me alive.

Perhaps see a professional and get it off your chest.

Why do I keep acting like this when I know I could loose him?

Well?
Can you look deep inside yourself and ask that question? What triggers you off? Why? Can you not count to ten and say to yourself 'nobodies died, in the grand scheme of things, this is not important'
Once you've had some real tragedy in your life, you learn very quickly what's really important in this life. Sounds to me that you haven't learned this particular lesson just yet.

Beruthiel

AtWitsEnd wrote:

Maybe I am so terrified that fighting/arguing with him is like a self-defence?

You have the feeling he might leave you, so you're pushing him away?

Sometimes if I feel he is sad or down or something, probably nothing to do with me at all, I get terribly upset. Go all quiet, miserable, start over thinking in my head. Then I pick about something, pick, pick, pick until he concedes.

This says a lot about the state of your self esteem. I'm no professional, but there is a reason that you do this, you need to get to the root of that one. Why exactly do you get upset because he's sad? Isn't this when you should be giving him a big hug and telling him it will be all ok?

tbh

AtWitsEnd wrote:

Thanks for the interesting replies. They have made me think.

It’s not a simple as saying the problem is because I am making him apologise. What I’m trying to get across here is that there shouldn’t be a problem in the first place, at least not that serious that he has to apologise to each other.

There is definitely some kind of pattern with the fighting. Did you ever love someone so much that instead of coming closer together, it drove you apart?

I am terrified of loosing him, not just since last night, but this has been going on a few months. Maybe I am so terrified that fighting/arguing with him is like a self-defence?

This is when my mind gets all foggy and flustered.

I don’t know if I would consider myself a complex person, but am always reading into things/over thinking – ALL THE TIME!!! I need to relax and learn to control whats going on. I am more than willing to do that for him.

Sometimes if I feel he is sad or down or something, probably nothing to do with me at all, I get terribly upset. Go all quiet, miserable, start over thinking in my head. Then I pick about something, pick, pick, pick until he concedes.

He must love me a hell of a lot to put up with it/let it go on for so long, it breaks my heart that I don’t seem to be able to control myself. Its quite scary when you feel you are loosing control.

Just writing here, saying I’ve a problem, is a bit of a relief actually.

everything you've followed up with , to me anyway, supports my theory that you have a problem with self-esteem. Let me ask you a question - are you overly sensitive in work? or with friends? do you over-react and fly off the handle a lot? Because if this is something you are only doing with the b/f, as beru says, you need to figure out why. It does sound like a defense mechanism, but what do I know. it's your way of taking control of a situation that no-one is really supposed to be in control of. remember, there is nothing binding you to this person, you are supposed to be with him because you want to be, and he wants to be with you. I think, deep down, you are afraid of getting "caught" - you think that if he discovers the "real" you, he won't want to be with you, and so to counter-act that, you force the issue by picking and picking until you get a fight. You know there is another way? If you tell your boyfriend what you've told us, for better or for worse, he can decide for himself - but also, he'll know what's really going on, and can take the decision to stick or twist based on that. Hopefully he'll stick. I have to say op, this is something that you'll have to work on - it won't go away, and it's not down to your boyfriend. That's not me saying you are a bad person, because I honestly don't think that.
It's just time to let go of the steering wheel.

Red Alert

AtWitsEnd wrote:

Did you ever love someone so much that instead of coming closer together, it drove you apart?

I can relate to this, but in a different context. I seem to sometimes fall for female friends, and i end up pushing us apart because I don't want to act on my gut instinct.

LegacyUser

I dont want to loose him over me having issues.

I want to deal with them. I owe it to myself to figure things out.

Its just turned into a nasty horrible pattern that needs to be broken.

I dont fly off the handle at all. Very very rarely I get so mad that I will shout at people. Thats why this has gazumped me, because I am not normally so ready to dish out negative things, especially to a partner.

You know sometimes when you have an argument with someone and you feel you havent finished but the person, and probably rightly so, wants to move on, well I keep doing that. Its like I have to win the argument or something. Have to get him to apologise for something that might have p*ssed me off.I used to let things go. Now I keep things to myself and at some stage they come up - always. Then I nit pick through my thoughts. Driving myself mad.

It doesnt seem to be as easy as switch off your thoughts. I am the only person at the end of the day that can help myself, I just dont know how or where to start seeing as Ive completely messed up right now. I dont know if there is anyway back. I wish there was. I am going to try so hard to make it up to him, if he'll let me. There is a chance that he might not want that.

LegacyUser

Here's your sister, At my witts end!..After reading what you wrote, you could be describing me and my relationship!..I was Excatly the same, I would lash out at my partner for no good reason, I would go really quiet, and I would not snap out of it, he used to say going out with me sometimes was like walking on egg shells!..I would allways let things build up and fester inside me, and later I would lashe out at him amd more often then not he had done nothing wrong!.I did suffer with depression so I went to a therapist and he said it was mis placed anger that I would take it out onhim cos he was the closest perosn to me and he would take it!..I loved him very very much and was terrified of loosing him, eventually I did, he couldn't put up with it anymore and I don't blame him. The therapist said I would eventually self destruct the realtionship without meaning to and he was right. I continued going to him and have sorted myself out and my ex and I are now the best of friends. If I were you I would think about talking to someone for your own good, don't leave it to late like I did. I realised afterwards how stupid I was and I was very angry with myself because I lost the love of my life over it.

tbh

that mustn't have been easy for you diddo, so fair play. OP, it's not going to be easy, but nothing worth having ever is. You've taken the first step my admitting you have an issue you need help with, I hope it works out for you - from your posts, I think you deserve a bit of happiness. again, I'd suggest you tell your partner what you told us, he may surprise you!

good luck, and to you diddo.

Kell

AtWitsEnd wrote:

Its like I have to win the argument or something. Have to get him to apologise for something that might have p*ssed me off.I used to let things go. Now I keep things to myself and at some stage they come up - always.

Someone needs to re-educate you how to leave things go. Arguments dont have to have a winner. An argument is a heated discussion- an exchange of contradictory opinions. You have to come round to thinking "thats his way of thinking and this is mine" and get over it.

You need a professional to help you with this.

K-

tbh

thats all true, Kell, but don't forget the op does this with her boyfriend, not in general. IMO, it's a symptom rather than a disease.

Ishindar

AtWitsEnd wrote:

I dont want to loose him over me having issues.

I want to deal with them. I owe it to myself to figure things out.

Its just turned into a nasty horrible pattern that needs to be broken.

I dont fly off the handle at all. Very very rarely I get so mad that I will shout at people. Thats why this has gazumped me, because I am not normally so ready to dish out negative things, especially to a partner.

You know sometimes when you have an argument with someone and you feel you havent finished but the person, and probably rightly so, wants to move on, well I keep doing that. Its like I have to win the argument or something. Have to get him to apologise for something that might have p*ssed me off.I used to let things go. Now I keep things to myself and at some stage they come up - always. Then I nit pick through my thoughts. Driving myself mad.

It doesnt seem to be as easy as switch off your thoughts. I am the only person at the end of the day that can help myself, I just dont know how or where to start seeing as Ive completely messed up right now. I dont know if there is anyway back. I wish there was. I am going to try so hard to make it up to him, if he'll let me. There is a chance that he might not want that.

never let things build up in a relationship. but consider this... u should be able to bring up anything u like with your partner but its the way that u bring it up and present it that counts. consider a different approach to the bad one u are using. a loving gentle approach is best. if u continually approach your partner in a bad way u are damaging your relationship.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies. A lot of them make sense.

Well, I asked him out for dinner last night, to relax a bit and have some food and he agreed. I really thought he'd tell me to p*ss off.

I did my best to explain, again I’m not sure he really understood, but said ok. I told him that he knew what I wanted but that I realised it was up to him. I told him that I would understand if he wanted to call it quits.

So we just made polite conversation for a few minutes and then he asked me if we could put the other night, last time we fought, in a little box and forget it.

I said I would like that, but that things really needed to be worked on, on my part.

I do need help, but I don’t know what to do. I need to sort my head out alright and find out what’s going on. Is there any other was to do this than a therapist?

Thanks.

LegacyUser

AtWitsEnd wrote:

I am terrified of loosing him, not just since last night, but this has been going on a few months. Maybe I am so terrified that fighting/arguing with him is like a self-defence?

I think this in particular is quite dangerous. People get so terrified when they think they're loosing someone they really love that they act completely out of character and this forces them apart even more. Maybe when you feel yourself about to lash out you could think of when you first started going out with him, all the little things that you really liked, the chances are they're still there.

Hope it works out for you. Losing a deep love is rough.

Kell

AtWitsEnd wrote:

I do need help, but I don’t know what to do. I need to sort my head out alright and find out what’s going on. Is there any other was to do this than a therapist?

I know you're worried, but try not be afraid of going to a therapist to help you out. As opposed to being a sign of weakness, its a sign of strength that you have identified that you have issues you cant work out on your own and need help to fix them.

Look at it like having a broken leg. If you have a broken leg, you go to the hospital and get it fixed. Same applies for your head.

Your boyfriend seems like a decent well adjusted bloke. Having someone like that around will help no end. PM me if you want info on really decent therapists.

Hugs,

K-