Might be breaking up today

LegacyUser

Basically, it was my mums birthday yesterday so she arranged for us all to go out for dinner, including my brother and sisters girlfriend and boyfriend and of course my girlfriend. My gf was going to come straight after work, but she missed the direct bus and had to get another one instead, to cut a long story short, she didnt come, when i called her she said she was at home that 'tell your mum im sorry, i cant come', at this stage we were all in the restaurant. I just hung up the phone on her.

This really pissed me off as my mum invited her and she just didnt come, this sort of stuff has happened before, and i get the feeling my mum is getting really pissed off with her. Shes never really said anything to me but i can tell.

Shes very quiet around my other relatives and friends too and i really have to make the effort to get her involved in conversation, but that said, she doesnt give off a 'cold' vibe at all, if anything shes very smiley and polite when spoken to, ive been going out with her for over 2 and a half years, and i absolutely love her to bits, ive never felt this way about a girl before (we're both 23), and it kills me to think that i might be finishing with her, but i dont think i have any other choice. Its been on my mind quite alot recently so any input or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Beruthiel

I'm afraid none of us here are mind readers, nor do we know your g/f.
Why don't you just talk to her?

Red Alert

Has your mum or girlfriend had any bad dealings with one another before? Were there any problems (like keeping your g/f a secret from your mum - undoable in my case since mum is essentially a mind-reader) at the start of the relationship? Your g/f may have had problems with previous boyfriend's mothers and thinks that she's likely to cause a row.

Or she may have genuinely just missed the bus.

sexkitten

To me it sounds like your gf is very shy. That cannot be helped. Okay maybe it was out of order for her not to go to the meal but you can’t blame the girl for being quiet around your family. If she’s shy she’s shy and that’s it. I’m very shy myself and sometimes find it hard to be comfortable around my bf family and Friends, it does take me a good while to open up and be relaxed. Even after 3 years.

Wing Walker

problemo wrote:

I just hung up the phone on her... i absolutely love her to bits

It doen't sound like it really. I know that you were probably upset with her but that's not the best way to act. I know, I've done it myself and I know I'm a complete arse when I do it.

You really need to sit down with her and have a good old chat. Lay your cards on the table and just let her know how you're feeling. It really is the best way to do things.

Good luck with it.

r3nu4l

As everyone else has said, talk to her, don't break up over it just yet. Ask her why she feels the need to stay away, is it that she can't be arsed or does she feel insecure?

Also, try not to be seen as taking 'The Mammy's' side on this, what comes across to me here is that you might break up with her because she has upset your Mum, not because you are upset. If you really do love her then sort it out through talking.

LegacyUser

I am going to talk to her tonight, i wasnt just going to break up with her just like that, so ill see how the talk goes tonight, but everybodys comments have helped me see a different side of the situation, thanks alot, so ill see how it goes, we have alot to talk about anyway!

Trinity

While i myself can be painfully shy, what i am wondering is why she didnt have the decency to phone you and tell you she wasnt coming.

Did i read it correctly that she was on her way (as far as you were concerned) and then when YOU called her she was already at home??

I wouldnt do that on anyone no matter what the circumstances.

I can she why you would be upset. Thats totally bad form if you ask me.

r3nu4l

Ok, her not calling you could be viewed as bad form but it might also mean that she was afraid of what your reaction might be?? How have you treated such incidences in the past? Do you fly off the handle at any perceived insult to you or your Mum?

Maybe she was afraid to say anything and her fear froze her like a rabbit in the headlights.

Froot

Your gut reaction is how you feel.

It sucks to be that straight up about it but I always follow my gut reaction and I'm always right with my decisions. I'm not saying its an exact science but if you feel unhappy in the relationship then voice you feelings or just end it. I spent enough time dragging things out in relationships to know that when you feel its over, it really is over.

koneko

Well, there's two sides to every story. Perhaps what you're saying is all correct, but you say you love her to bits, and your post comes across very differently (like you're fed up with her). Perhaps she is a bit of a cold fish or maybe even a bitch.

But the other side could be that you're a bit of a mammy's boy (not saying you are! but I'm saying "what if"), and your gf s perhaps not so fond of that. Or perhaps she's just shy, and they don't involve in conversations and she feels left out. Or perhaps she genuinely missed the bus!

Try talking to her, if you're in love with her and you have a healthy relationship, you should be able to talk about these things instead of just assuming the worst!

LegacyUser

The reason that she didnt call me is because her phone died (i know shes telling the truth, as she told me her battery was really low in work) we have a very healthy relationship, im just really pissed off the way it happened yesterday, shes so warm and affectionate around me but really quiet around my friends, the drink does bring her out of her shell though, i just wish shed be more open, ive had this conversation with her before and she got really upset and said thats just the way she is around people she doesnt know that well

Trinity

problemo wrote:

The reason that she didnt call me is because her phone died (i know shes telling the truth, as she told me her battery was really low in work) we have a very healthy relationship, im just really pissed off the way it happened yesterday, shes so warm and affectionate around me but really quiet around my friends, the drink does bring her out of her shell though, i just wish shed be more open, ive had this conversation with her before and she got really upset and said thats just the way she is around people she doesnt know that well

well then you are just going to have to accept that that is the way she is. shy and introverted.

She said thats just the way she is around people she doesnt know well. If she showed up she might actually get to know them better.

Unless they are mean to her.

These things have to be discussed. As a long term couple it is inevitable that you will have to spend time with each others families for special occasions and that.

stovelid

My wife is very quiet and shy (especially when put beside a big mouth like me) was very introverted around my friends and family for a long time. Some of them (more often the guys and very often the outgoing, confident ones) even mistook this for standoffishness when it was not. Some people can only "come out of their shell" at their own pace and there is not really anything that you can do about it. My experience re: having this out with them is that stuff like hanging up, giving out about it etc is usually counter productive.

Laslo

Sounds like she's very shy and/or socially anxious. I have a friend like that who always shirks off social occasions at the last minute and it's very annoying... and downright rude. However, you have to understand that it's out of fear that she's doing it. Talk to her about it.

Froot

Laslo wrote:

Sounds like she's very shy and/or socially anxious. I have a friend like that who always shirks off social occasions at the last minute and it's very annoying... and downright rude. However, you have to understand that it's out of fear that she's doing it. Talk to her about it.

I also have a friend like that. I found myself unable to rely on him for anything because he bailed....

Then one night I just made him come out and get drunk. He was up talking to random women and dancing and all that within minutes.

Some people are naturally shy and will never change....some people need to confront it and evolve.

You cannot tell your gf how to live her life. But if it bothers you then either do something about it or get rid of her...

Thats just me being blunt about it.

Idbatterim

i find it funny people always look for excuses. i think it really is low after being invited, not to attend or atleast ring immediately and let you know...

JohnWishbone11

its a perspective that its lowdown dirty dawg activity.

there are other views - maybe the mother gave her a look and put her on edge. He says his ma is pissed off or has expressed it in some way...this amplifies something else going on in the mothers mind as in my opinion mothers normally (my normative experience) would be understanding even if they thought the gf was out of order.

Imo give the girl a break and dont try so hard to get her into conversations thats just crinigng ****e for her. Think about how she feels..why is she avoiding these situations. Maybe they just bore the life out of her..she doesnt have to like your family to be your partner.

jencar01

problemo wrote:

The reason that she didnt call me is because her phone died (i know shes telling the truth, as she told me her battery was really low in work) we have a very healthy relationship, im just really pissed off the way it happened yesterday, shes so warm and affectionate around me but really quiet around my friends, the drink does bring her out of her shell though, i just wish shed be more open, ive had this conversation with her before and she got really upset and said thats just the way she is around people she doesnt know that well

Your girlfriend sounds the same as myself. I’m not shy and never have been around my bf but when I meet his friends and family I was. So shy. Its only now after a few years that I’m totally myself around them. What helped me was to spend a lot of time with them, once I started to see them every week I relax and was more myself and opened up a bit. Even without a few drinks.

Lynfo

Your girlfriend sounds just like me, and reading through the posts I'm amazed that there are so many others who feel the same way. Shyness is one of the most un-recognised problems affecting hundreds of thousands of people all over the world. A lot of people do read it wrong, and see a shy person as being rude, or standoffish. I feel that my boyfriends friends see me in that light, some of them anyway, (even after 7 years), and unfortunately, there seems to be nothing I can do about it. I have spent hundreds on hypnotherapy etc. to no avail.
Be supportive of your girlfriend, but understand that this is something that may well be extremely hard for her to talk about, or even come to terms with herself.
I only very recently discovered that the 'condition' I have is not in fact shyness, but is a type of social phobia - if you google 'social phobia' or 'social anxiety' it will enlighten you to how your girlfriend may be feeling, and may help you both to overcome the problems that it can cause.
You and your girlfriend are not alone in this, as I'm sure you can see from the other posts here, I really hope you guys can sort this out, there is absolutely nothing worse than feeling you are 'the only one'
Maybe if you show her your post on this site you could talk about it then, whatever way you choose to handle it, I hope it goes well for both of you. I'm not a devout catholic, but I will say a little prayer for you both tonight.

want2play

Do you not think you reacted OTT a bit? she missed the bus yesterday and ok some other family day's.

She's with you not your family, big deal once your relationship is making you both happy.

jencar01

Another thing is don’t be too hard on her for missing the meal. Okay maybe she should have gone but maybe it was hard for her if she doesn’t really get on with your family. There’s nothing worse than sitting around a table for a meal when your not comfortable with the people your with. I use to dread going to family occasions with my bf, sometimes I use to make silly excuses. He’d think I was just being selfish and just wasn’t bothered but the fact was I was dreading it and felt that I couldn’t. Now I go to family things and have a great time, I’m part of the family now.

dr.bollocko

Why would you value your girlfriends relationship with your parents so highly that you would consider breaking up with her because she missed a bus? Maybe she had a really **** day and missing the bus was the last straw. Fact is, you dont know her side of the story, but if you are going out for two and a half years you would really want some proper reason for breaking up with her because "Im breaking up with you because you didnt meet my ma that time and this one time I mentioned you to her and she pulled a face i think" isnt gonna cut it. Are you a man in your own right or still mammy's little angel? I reckon there were countless times where you disagreed with your parents and went against what they thought. Do you even know if your girlfriend has a valid rational reason to feel anxious about meeting your family? So what if your girlfriend and your family dont have a great relationship? You can still have a great relationship with the both of them. It takes time for these things, hence "Nightmare mother in laws" and all that. It all sounds incredibly irrational and immature to me. I think you should talk to her (Your girlfriend, not your mother) without the agenda of a break-up on the table, and find out her reasons for being so far-away with your family. Surely solving the problem would be a better solution? Surely this family thing is a mask for something else? You cant rationally be thinking of ending a two and a half year relationship because of THAT?

LundiMardi

OP, the only one with the problem here is you, i mean, your GF missed the bus and couldn't call you because her phone was dead... It's not even her own fault that she didn't make it and you want to break up with her because of this? Are you insane!!!!????? That's crazy talk right there!!!!!

So she's shy? So what? Deal with it, it's not as if she stood you up.

Grow up will ya. Throwing away a 2 year relationship over something as stupid as this. :rolleyes:

LegacyUser

Yeah I agree with what most people say -- that she's shy and socially a bit inept. She sounds exactly like me. My ex used to always invite me to her family things, and out with her friends, but I always hated it, and only went to a few. We regularly fought over this, too, and I nearly broke up with HER because I couldn't take it! (we subsequently broke up over other stuff)

The way I saw it, I was going out with her, and that's who I wanted to be with -- not her friends or family. We were together for nearly 2 years, so it was quite long-term considering we were 18 and 19. I think the conflict arose because I expected the relationship not to last. The way I saw it, we were both young, both wanted to be together in the near future, but I had no intention of staying with her for life, as we were quite different and had different aims (and she was very annoying!:D) Perhaps she saw it differently. She was quite naive, so maybe she took every relationship as if it were going to be indefinite, and so she wanted to involve me with her family and friends because it would be an issue later on. I introduced her to my family, etc., but that was only because I was going to be bringing her back to the house all the time!

I pretty much just wanted to have a loving relationship and have some fun while I was young. I did love her! But it wasn't intended for me to be too serious.

I think you just have to be patient with her. If she tells you that it makes her feel uncomfortable, then just accept this and don't push her too hard. If you plan on staying together for the long run, then speak to her about it and tell her that she'll get more comfortable the more she talks to them.

Maybe you have different "goals" for this relationship.