parents separating

SummerOfSam

Hi all,

my parents are separating after many years of marriage. They haven't been getting along for a long time and now my Dad has met another woman and has announced his intention for a legal separation as soon as possible. It's all happened very quickly and I guess I am still in shock. I was just wondering if anyone out there has any advice on how to deal with it? Myself and my siblings are all adults now, so it's not like we are kids but I am still not sure what is the best way to deal with it.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Nevyn

Your relationship with your mother and your father can be what you want them to be.
You don't have to pick sides, you don't have to be in the middle, you don't have to let either of them have ago about your other parent.

They have friends and other family members to do that with.

Your parents brought you into this world and reared you and created a family in which to do this and now you and your siblings are all grown up at least one of them is moving on with thier life.

This does not mean they don't love you or didnt love you or enjoy or cherish the time they were a family when you were growing up and they were your Mam and Dad.

jellie

SummerOfSam wrote:

Hi all,

my parents are separating after many years of marriage. They haven't been getting along for a long time and now my Dad has met another woman and has announced his intention for a legal separation as soon as possible. It's all happened very quickly and I guess I am still in shock. I was just wondering if anyone out there has any advice on how to deal with it? Myself and my siblings are all adults now, so it's not like we are kids but I am still not sure what is the best way to deal with it.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

No matter age you are im sure its hard when your parents separate. Its a bit like your concept of normalness is completely changed. All your life your parents have been together & now everything is different. It probably wont have a HUGE impact on your life with you being grown up now, but it still takes some getting used to, especially with someone new being introduced into it all.

Id love to give you some advice but im not really sure I have any. Its something everybody deals with differently. Some people like to talk about it, some dont. If you have someone youre comfortable talking to, it can help to talk about it. Dont be embarassed or feel silly for feeling sad or confused, its only natural. No matter what age you are, its still going to be a shock.

For me it was much easier to talk about it with people whos parents where already separated because i felt theyd understand.

As Thaedydal said, you dont have to pick sides. It can be hard to stay neutral but i found its for the best. If you dont want to get involved you might sometimes have to say it directly to your parent if they start to talk about the other 1. Again, that can be hard, especially if the parent in question is upset.

Not sure how helpful any of that was. Hope you it works out ok for you

dazftw

My parents split up over a year ago I was 17(18 now) and to be honest I didnt care less I was bothered by the whole thing at all! I live with my mam and brother now and see my dad every so often and im grand with that!

The only thing I didnt like was when my mam met someone else that was very weird and I dont like him either it just feels weird like he would try to be my dad or something... I barely every talk to him I only give him a hello if he comes over to the house!

I doubt that would bother you though cause your adults so you kinda like dont have to deal with that stuf like your dads girlfriend being your mam kinda if you get me?

It is true everyone takes it differently!

Hope this helps also

Sleepy

Just make it clear to both of them that you won't be caught in the middle, that they're both your parents, you love them both and won't stand for either of them sniping/bitching about the other in your presence.

That's the best advice I can give and tbh it's advice I wish I was given 8 years ago...

tbh

hopefully your parents are mature enough not to involve you, and don't you get caught up either - they are your parents, but they are also normal people, and they are getting through life the best they can. It's better when they seperate, all the fighting stops! Mine split up when I was 12, and are the best of friends now - our extended family is very close. On the day my mam told me her and my dad were splitting up, she asked me if I had any questions. The only thing I could think of to ask was "is santy real".

she shook her head slowly with a sad smile. tough day

chamlis

Same as tbh.
My folks split when I was 16. Seriously, best thing they ever did. They were better friends than they were for years and all the arguing stopped etc.
There was no one else involved though so the situation is a bit different.
But my mother died a few years later when I was going to college and in fairness it was my Dad who took the most care of her when she was going, even though he had found someone else at the stage. It was almost to the detriment of that relationship.
Just goes to show that they don't really change as people i.e. their feelings towards you and everyone else. They just have a little less stress to worry about

Xterminator

Mine split up when i was 17.

The advice i give, is not to take sides. A split from a long relationship is not as simple as one parent decided to call it quits.

It stems from years of unhappiness for at least 1 parent, and sometimes they only act, (eg split) when one meets someone else.

Hence they can appear the instigator, but as above, its not that simple and i do belive parents have the right to be happy, and if thats in the arms of someoine else ... so be it.

That said, usually its difficult to have a good relationship with the new partner. It usually takes years.

Good luck

X

Froot

Well, you cant do anything really.

Just continue on with your life. There is not that much change really despite what you may think.

If your parents cannot even talk to eachother anymore however things can be a bit different, which is what happened to my parents when they split. It makes it a bit harder.

Motley Crue

SummerOfSam wrote:

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

My friend is 21. He has a 3 year old sister and another sister, and his father and mother are seperating, and theres a buisness involved. Personally, he has known about it for a long time so he says its a bit of a relief that now he doesnt have to fear what the 'families' will say behind closed doors.

Dont pick sides, and just get along with your parents, respect your dads new partner based on your impressions of her...im sure she wont expect to intrude as your 'stepmom' and outflag your mother.

Just take each day as it comes, and at family occassions, make sure to spend time with both of them (either together or apart) and make it clear that life is this way now but you havent lost respect for either of them.

pclancy

Mine split when I was 17, my biggest mistake so far has not been speaking to my father for the last 8 years. Stuff was said at the time of the split that I've never dealt with properly and still have to get sorted. The time spent trying to bury it has only made it worse so I'd say to you to get your feelings out in the open with both parents, respect their decisions and be supportive and understanding. As said before me, dont pick sides if you can help it and appreciate its not about you or your siblings, im sure their feelings for ye havnt been affected.

Life's too short to be bitter or angry, its happened so you have to accept it, move on and life will continue. Hopefully both your parents will find new happieness, be there for both of them, you're their child so im sure they love you.

punchdrunk

my folks spilt when i was twelve,my mother and i moved back to dublin (bro and sis were at college) i think it did have a profound effect at the time and i had to grow up fast,all of a sudden i was "the man of the house" so i definitely lost a few care free years in my early teens and i definitely blamed myself for the split for a long time (seems stupid now at 25 but at the time i genuinely thought my constant moaning about living down the country was at least part of the cause)
i definitely think my brother and sister took it much better than i did,being older and away from home anyway we never really talked about it much in the last 13 years but we all turned out okay,no mass murderers in our midst yet!

my parents still get along,my dad stays here every month or so for a few days and it's great that they're still on good terms and can act like adults
ultimately i'm glad they split and didn't stay together for our sake because kid's just instinctively know when things aren't right and there's no point bull****ting them!

even though i live with my mother and she's takes all the flak it's my dad who gets all the kudos when he's here,i guess it's just cause he's a bit of a novelty when he comes up to visit (not sure how to say that well?)
and dependable mum gets left out a bit,even though she does sterling work

so my advice would be don't push them for answers,they might come naturally in time,be patient with them and try to be as unbiased as possible

hope it works out
p.d

LegacyUser

'hopefully your parents are mature enough not to involve you, and don't you get caught up either - they are your parents, but they are also normal people, and they are getting through life the best they can. It's better when they seperate, all the fighting stops! Mine split up when I was 12, and are the best of friends now - our extended family is very close. On the day my mam told me her and my dad were splitting up, she asked me if I had any questions. The only thing I could think of to ask was "is santy real". Spoiler: she shook her head slowly with a sad smile. tough day
__________________

tbh.....
delighted to hear that.I am separating from my partner, we have a 2 y old and she has a 7yr old daughter from a previous.
It is great to hear some manage to remain friends and have a true extended family.

Anyone out there going through a separation, how are you splitting parenting how much maintenance is normal?

Very Lost!!!'

Marksie

paulb77: could you start your own thread please, it will make it easier for posters to reply if its just your issue
This was an old bumped one
regards
mark