Is this it?

needhelpguy

Warning: this is very long and quite the rant - you have been warned!

I'm a 20 year old guy (21 next week) and I am desperately unhappy.

I find that there is not really much to enjoy in life. I finished college earlier this year after I completed a course I liked, although when I look back on it, I didn't particularly enjoy it at all. I loathed socialising and found the whole thing very depressing - having to sit with classmates at lunch/talk to them etc even though most of the time I didn't and tried my best to avoid them, (which I'm sure made me come off as a bit of an ass but that wasn't it at all). I felt very empty. In fact I see a lot of that time now as a kind of gray blur. I liked my course and what I was doing but hated everything else. I didn't like going home alone everyday to an empty house, not going out at weekends, doing nothing. I didn't like any of the people in college and as a result I didn't go out for drinks with them or to house parties even though I was invited sometimes. Even the thought of stuff like that made me anxious and sort of sad because I had absolutely no interest in the people in college so even if I did go I would not enjoy it because of that.

Since I finished I have been working in temp jobs unrelated to my education. All I do is work, go home, browse the internet, sleep repeat. I rarely talk. I have no brothers or sisters and only one "friend" who I see maybe twice a month. I've known him since primary school but he is much the same as me and I sometimes get the feeling we hang around more for convenience than want. He has no other friends either. I don't find him particularly intersting, nor do I think he does I, but we have no one else. He is a good guy though, I'm not slating him and I do enjoy his company sometimes.

I had hobbies in the past but they all seem irrelevant now. I have lost interest in them totally. More to the point, they were solitary persuits not suited to the type of lifestyle I would like to live. Up until my early teens I was quite happy just playing video games all day and not interacting with other kids. But that era has passed and I want different things out of life, mainly more interacting with people. I am still living the life of that teenager but since I want these different things it has left me constantly bored. I think the boredom is one of my main problems. I am actively trying to change but it is not enough.

I wish, I just wish I was confident enough/had enough self esteem AND social skills to have more friends. The thing is I want certain types of friend, maybe the rocker/skater type who dress well and hang out and are not assholes and I want to learn from them. I dont know why but I seem to think that I would really enjoy the company those types would bring. Maybe I've seen too many movies. I find people my own age really intimidating but I only want to hang around with people my own age (I feel more comfortable if they're slightly younger).

But then I come to the hating socialising problem again. I live in constant fear of judgement, thinking people are judging me all the time when in reality they probably aren't. If I do something new/join a group I am so fearful of what they might think of me I dont to anything. This makes me very awkward socially, as I never say anything really, so I still actively avoid these situations, making various excuses. I am very picky about the type of people I want to know and they are few and far between - I know this makes me sound like a stuck up as*hole but that's just the way I feel. They have to look/act a certain way for me to be even remotely interested in befriending them (or trying to).

I guess I should mention the obligatory romance life column. There is none. This does not concern me in the least however, as I only ever find about 1% of people I meet to be attractive in that way (both personality and looks wise). The last person I ever felt strongly about was many years ago, but I was too shy/fearful to do anything about it. It was a guy aswell.

To the observer I am not like anything above in real life. I am a real nice guy, and generally I find life to be ok and get on with it as best I can. I am just sick and tired of the same thing every day; no one I like to talk to, nothing to look forward to, no enjoyment. Absolutely nothing. Sitting in on a Friday night is a killer.

Advice/council appreciated is appreciated here, but please keep any snide type remarks to a minimum. I am strongly affected by these issues to the point that I feel maybe, just maybe, life isn't ultimately worth living after all.

azezil

Well then perhaps you need to choose different social surroundings, why not try a gay bar?

Just a word of caution, if you're paranoid about being judged, in a gay bar, you will be and they'll be quite blatant about it! Pay them no heed, get drunk if that helps, gay bars are a funny aul place where everyone's "different", yet they all fit together, some how.

mmenarry

What *do* you like?

Everybody has interests, and these can be as varied as, well, everything.

You know what you like, so go out and persue that. Life isn't about getting a good education, get a good job, then have a good life. Life is for living, find out what *you* like, and go do it.

You're a person at the end of the day. Be you.

M.

Well you're going to have to take responsibility for your situation. You say you're picky about your friends, but you're complaining you don't have any and are sick of being alone. I think you should be less judgmental about people you don't even know yet - I mean saying people have to look a certain way is just shallow and narrow minded TBH, and childish. If you go around with that attitude saying "I can't be friends with X because they don't wear skater clothes" or whatever, you're not going to find many friends. I understand what you mean about being picky - but not THAT picky. You're not going to like everyone, or even most people, but you're cutting out 90% of people already with your mental categories and boxes.

You are taking it all too seriously - I understand, because I used to be like that, but life is too short to be worrying about everything. You don't have to find a new best friend, but if you joined some sort of group, you would find people to hang around with which is a start. You will meet loads of new people, and might like some of them - people you wouldn't normally have spoken to. It might seem a bit superficial, but it's better than sitting at home being lonely, isn't it? I go out with randomers/people I don't know well quite often and I always enjoy talking to new people and have a good time. Once you do it a few times you won't feel shy anymore and you'll build up your social skills. But you have to make an effort - people aren't going to come and knock on your door and invite you out.

Black Swan

needhelpguy wrote:

To the observer I am not like anything above in real life. I am a real nice guy, and generally I find life to be ok and get on with it as best I can. I am just sick and tired of the same thing every day; no one I like to talk to, nothing to look forward to, no enjoyment. Absolutely nothing. Sitting in on a Friday night is a killer.

Seems like you are ready for a major change to break you out of your rut? Done anything spontaneous lately, just for the heck of it? Jump on a plane for a weekend in Dam? Applied for jobs overseas?

fuzzywiggle

Sounds to me like you're complaining about this, that and the other and not doing anything about it. I find it strange that you can't make frinds with just anyone, they have to fit into your ''description'', yet you moan about having no friends? No wonder you don't! You're not giving people a chance. What on earth do you think you could ''learn'' from these ''skater'' people that you couldn't from anyone else? You sound very childish in my opinion. You need to grow up, the world is a big place with many different types of people that I'm sure you would get on fine with. Let go of your narrow mindedness

idunno78

why not go out with some people you work with and try socialise with them? And that way you might meet new people.
If you wanna make friends with skater people why not get yourself a board and go skating. Hang out in a skater shop or something like that.
Why not join a club or some thing? Im sure theres plenty around the place.
If your not gonna make a effort well then your not gonna makes friends. You cant expect people to just start talking to you out of nowhere. Your gonna have to talk to!
You could get a new job in a shop or something, that way you would meet lots of new people everyday. I have a job in a shjop, before i was quite shy and now i have come out of myself alot more.
There are plenty of things you could do if ya got up of your arse. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but like your on about ending your life. It cant be that bad, there are people much worse of then you. If ya just tried a bit harder and got a group of friends that you could enjoy stuff with then your sorted! Just try things out until you find that group. Your turnin 21 (i was 21 end of aug) there is plenty of things for people or age to do!

J.S. Pill

needhelpguy wrote:

Since I finished I have been working in temp jobs unrelated to my education.

yeah - welcome to the real world mate. This may sound like a somewhat paradoxical suggestion but may I reccomend computer games!? If you live in an urban area there's bound to be an internet cafe with people doing online gaming - I hate to generalise but these people are often simularly socially awkward so you needn't worry too much about judgement.

The good news is that people can and do break out of their shells - I suggest you get a move on as you will regret not making the most of your youth when you're older. I'd love to be 20 again...

dr.bollocko

There are a few things you could do, if you want to break out of your current rut. I mean as regards meeting new friends, if you want to meet new friends, there isnt really an easy way of doing this, it does involve the socialising that you fear so much.
Perhaps as an only child your socialising skills were stunted to some extent, one can only speculate on that, but I would think that an your fear of being social, fear of being judged is as a result of a rough time of it in secondary school, or something like that. I think you have to confront theses issues before you can go forward and be social now.
If you have a fear of being judged continually when you are socialising, well that can cripple your conversational skills and leave you always on the defensive, playing it quiet etc. I think that you have to acheive a level of comfort whilst out, so you can relax rather than worry or fear judgement.
To do this may require some mirror time, for some people it might be just a matter of pushing themselves into these new situations until they become relaxing, or 2nd nature. Some people only need a drink before they have this, some people may need a bit of councilling or life coaching / guidance.
I guess its the chicken and the egg. You need the mates to improve you ability to socialise, but you need to socialise to get some close friends.

needhelpguy

Thanks for the replies all. I will try to repy individually:

azezil wrote:

Well then perhaps you need to choose different social surroundings, why not try a gay bar?

I am not gay. Bi-curious/sexual or whatever the term is for it these days. I would never go to a gay bar, it's just not my type of place. It's the feeling of companionship/friendship I'm after not sex. This isn't a gay/bi issue. But thanks.

mmenarry wrote:

What *do* you like?
You're a person at the end of the day. Be you.

Unfortunately "me" hasn't been very successful around here. I've had 21 years of being me, and I still have hardly any friends to show for it. Maybe I need to be someone else.

I used to enjoy things like photography, astronomy and the like but I've lost interest in the last few years. I don't know why. It just seems almost pointless. I am trying though, I joined a volunteer medical organisation and am enjoying that once a week. It's just not enough.

Journee Mango Stick wrote:

words

Yes you're right I am too picky but I can't help it. If I try to be friends with someone I don't particularly want to it just feels unfulfilling. Like if you wanted more friends would you go to just anybody in preference to someone you know you might enjoy? It's like social circles, you don't find the computer nerds hanging around with the rock heads.

Blue_Lagoon wrote:

Seems like you are ready for a major change to break you out of your rut? Done anything spontaneous lately, just for the heck of it? Jump on a plane for a weekend in Dam? Applied for jobs overseas?

But who would I go with? I've tried holidaying alone before and it was an awful experience. I was never much of a risk taker.

fuzzywiggle wrote:

words

Please see my reply to Journee Mango Stick above, that would be best suited to your reply. Honestly I don't know why I would like to hang around them - it is the lifestyle that appeals to me. I could learn to enjoy myself, dress well (in my opinion) etc. Maybe the skater thing was a bad example, I was trying to get across the type of people I would like to be around. They are not always skaters.

J.S. Pill wrote:

words

I'm trying to get out of being socially awkward and gamers/nerds are exactly the type of people I want to avoid.

dr.bollocko wrote:

words

I think you hit the nail on the head. I've been thinking about this a lot lately and I believe being an only child is where this thinking stems from.

As an only child I never had to share, always did my own thing etc. (nor was I a spoilt brat, honest!) and as a result I feel that now it has in a way shaped my life. (This is going to make me sound like a right stuck up c*nt but I am not , believe me) If I can't have something the way I want it, then I don't want it at all. It's like if it doesn't fit my "criteria" then I just don't want it. As an example, instead of sharing, say, a mars bar with someone who wanted a bit, I'd just give it to them, and go without instead of sharing. It's just hard wired into me and is not a conscious thing.

I'm not sure where to go from here. Please keep the advice coming. I want to be happy. But I just can't see it happening. I am trying, I am volunteering as I mentioned, but there are no people my age there. I "feel" like I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown. Sometimes I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a knife.

D-Generate

Sports is the answer! Builds confidence and character and makes you more appealing to the opposite sex. Something solved that keeps you busy 2 or 3 times a week!

ronbyrne2005

Just try out anything you can think of untill you find things you like, then join a group where you can engage in such activities. Maybe consider going to a psychologist too. Basically you need to get out and try things or you'll never know.

Faith

You know what, I was about to post "I agree with D-Generate. Take up a sport.", but then I thought "Oh no, the OP will just reply and say he feels too self-conscious and underconfidant".

The problem lies with you, OP. You just need to change your attitude. You have an overblown sense of your own importance in this world. You say that you "live in constant fear of judgement, thinking people are judging me all the time". They aren't, trust me. You are simply not that important to them. Stop thinking that people are going to judge you, and just get out there and do something. No wonder you're unhappy. You say you're trying to change, but your posts show no evidence of this. You won't go out and take up a new hobby, you're not even prepared to commit to the thought that you might enjoy something. You are completely narrow minded when it comes to other people. You won't even contemplate being friends with certain "types" of people. Why is that? You say you only have one friend right now, so you clearly don't have the experience with hanging out with different types of people to make that judgement. What if they're the people you'll get on best with, but you miss out just because you're too close-minded? You dismiss types of places (gay bars) and types of people ("Nerds") out of hand, without ever giving them a chance. How do you know that they're not for you?

From how you've described yourself, you would have absolutely nothing in common with "skaters", yet you think that they are your long-lost group of friends? Why is this? My guess is that you can try to make friends with them, be rejected, and go back to thinking that you were right and you don't fit in anywhere. It would just reinforce your opinion of yourself, and you would be able to say "Hey, I made the effort, but they weren't interested", thereby absolving yourself from having to put yourself out there again.

As far as I can tell, you're just sitting around feeling sorry for yourself, which is only making things worse. You're volunteering, that's good. If you can do that, why can't you do other things? It's easy to blame your problems on your circumstances ("Boohoo, I'm an only child, that's why I'm like I am"), but that won't get you anywhere. You can blame whatever you like, but at the end of the day, it's up to you to change. Nobody else can do it for you. And however much you say you're trying, you're showing very little actual effort.

I'm sorry if this is harsh, but somebody has to say it. Until you are prepared to make the effort, become sociable and open-minded and get over yourself, things will never change and you will remain unhappy.

LegacyUser

Have you considered the possibility that you have depression? The feelings you're describing strike a chord with me. It can be very easy for onlookers to tell you that you need to change your attitude - people who aren't depressed are able to pull themselves together and think positively. If you think it's a possibility then you'd have nothing to lose by seeing a GP and asking about it anyway.

In my case there was nothing specific making me feel unhappy, I was just dissatified with my life and I couldn't motivate myself enough to change anything. I eventually went on anti-depressants, and it altered my perspective completely. I only stayed on them for about 3 months but it made a huge difference.

McGinty

Whatever group of people you attach yourself to, the one successful way of overcoming judgement and at the same time being liked is asking questions, be interested and ask lots of questions, this has a twofold benefit, most people love talking about themselves and secondly you will learn from them in terms of many things and thirdly (I forgot this) everyone will like you because you're a great listener.

Esel

You have written a very succint summary of your situation. Please print out your original post and show it to your GP. It sound to me like you need help to move forward. IMHO you are going to need some professional assistance.

Just out of interest, how is your diet? Do you drink alcohol or use any drugs?

Matamoros

To Needhelpguy, I know exactly how you feel. There is nothing wrong with feeling alone, you are essentially alone, that's not as bad as it sounds or that people usually associate it with being. Without sounding too metaphysical or just crazy, fear is part of your problem, may I suggest that you slow down all of your thoughts and try to see a different way. You seem specific as to the type of friends that you may enjoy having but what is a dear friend? That friend may come along in any shape or form, try to open yourself to the fact that all of us are a little scared but there are many people who really care and also feel as you do. They are there and they may need you to be brave and cross the divide and talk to them. Give of yourself. Don't do anything drastic like going to a gay bar or going abroad on a whim, this is crazy advice. Try to find something that is good in the world, myself, I love music, film and art to give me a feeling of life having some magic. Take care of yourself.

LegacyUser

A few things

1) You're depressed man, and it's ok. There's a way out. Invest your time and money in getting a psychotherapist for a minimum of 6 sessions. You don't need to be losing your mind to get into therapy. Just feeling gray and not being able to sort it is enough of an excuse. At the very least, there's someone who is being paid to listen to you and advise you once a week. It's worth the money. I recognised a few things in your post, take it from someone who was in your position, get some counselling. Even the smallest progress can bring a little hope. It only takes a little hope and light for that much to grow.

2) Don't create these friends in your head, ay? Don't put expectations on who you'd like to meet, and especially that with certain friends or lovers you see your life being different, that it'll be the catalyst for all the great stuff you've been waiting to happen. Value yourself and who you are now. Make personal goals that you can achieve alone or with all the friends in the world. People are attracted (I'm not talking sexually here) to people who can stand as islands or fit in. Value yourself for the personality you have.

3) The work/internet/****/sleep cycle will **** you up. Go somewhere, even if it's only the cinema. If you're in Dublin, take the Dart to Killiney Beach and just sit there for a while. Pull a sickie from work and get some headspace away from the norm. Go to a Café with a book and drink the coffee slow and read the book - that's not the point of it though, the point is to expose yourself to humanity, people interacting with each other, listen to a stranger's conversation in a café. Enjoy the weirdness of the human race.

4) Take a chance on something, anything.

Kell

needhelpguy wrote:

I am strongly affected by these issues to the point that I feel maybe, just maybe, life isn't ultimately worth living after all.

As someone else said, some form of therapy is the order of the day. One thing that strikes me though, and it will help you if you have the courage to go and address these problems, is that you havent mentioned anything about "WHY" you are shy and lacking in self confidence.

Kell dons therapists hat- you have given us all the presenting problems i.e. shy, dont like groups of people cause you think that everyone is judging you etc, but you havent said x happened at some point in time that drained me of all self esteem and self respect. I suggest you do some working on figuring out why you are like this as it will make your job, and your therapists easier when you get around to doing something about your issues.

Faith was bang on when she said the issue here is you. Your perspective on life needs to change in order for it to be more fulfilling. Work out where your perspective became skewed and it will help in unskewing it going forward.

Faith wrote:

I'm sorry if this is harsh, but somebody has to say it.

Ah now- thats my job. Pfft

K-

spacecoyote

why not try going to a speed dating night. Its all pretty anonymous, and you only have to deal with any one person for a few minutes. it would help build your confidence. if you don't get along with someone then who cares, you're never likely to see them again, but then again, you might click with someone and find aa friend, or more, from an unlikely source?

Kell

spacecoyote wrote:

why not try going to a speed dating night. Its all pretty anonymous, and you only have to deal with any one person for a few minutes.

Good answer. Dang, why didnt I think of it?

So when he doesnt get anything out of it because he is too shy to talk much, how do you think this is going to help?

K-

theniceguy

Hello needhelpguy, it has been a while since this conversation started. I would like to know how you got on. Drop me a line if you have the time

needhelpguy

Just to update everyone on this situation. I am doing a bit better I guess, in the grand scheme of things, I have been seeing a psychotherapist for a few months, although I couldn't open up to her and she never gave advice.

I thought I have been doing well, so much so that I cancelled todays appointment. But then last night, I had a dream about the guy I had a "crush" on and when I woke up I felt terrible. He is part of a small group of people who hang around often and have their own website and forums, so I am able to read about what they are up to etc. (I'm not a stalker!).

I went onto the site this morning and got very nervous even just reading it. All the people there are really socially outgoing and seem to be really enjoying life with their friends, going out etc. which made me feel awful. That's the type of liftstyle I would like to have, but I know that even if I tried people like that would laugh, make fun of and maybe even get violent with me, ultimately rejecting me. It's the thought of what I want more than anything I cant have. I do not want to go to the site any more, as it's probably a bit creepy (?) and it makes me feel horrible...but I cant help it. And I still have strong feelings for that guy and just reading about him on there kills me.

I just had to get that out. In work now, feeling better but sad. I just want to crawl into a hole and die.

Thats life I guess

But I want to thank people here because the posts and suggestions really helped.

Kell

needhelpguy wrote:

I have been seeing a psychotherapist for a few months, although I couldn't open up to her and she never gave advice.

Here comes the slap. Now- did you feel that? You'll never achieve anything unless you pour the big puddle that is your life onto the floor in front of your therapist and go "now. Help me fix that please".

I'll be blunt (for once)- you are fooling yourself going to see a therapist if you dont open up. Lots of people do it and you know what? The same problems they thought they had addressed just creep up on them and bite them in the áss.

Dont let that happen to you.

K-

Beruthiel

Kell wrote:

You'll never achieve anything unless you pour the big puddle that is your life onto the floor in front of your therapist and go "now. Help me fix that please".

Couldn't agree more. It's a waste of your time and the doctors, and at the end of the day, what's the point of going to see someone if you don't even allow them to help you. Do you think they will think badly of you or something? Cos I assure you, they've seen and heard it all and nothing phases them.

LegacyUser

'(quote/) Maybe the skater thing was a bad example, I was trying to get across the type of people I would like to be around. They are not always skaters. (/quote)

The 'type' of people you say...
I know some people will say that you shouldn't be too picky etc.. which is true in some respects I suppose... I've found that all different types of people make friends with others for a variety of reasons. However, I personally stereotype people I'd want to be friends with. For instance, if I had to choose between a skater person, or a person in a suit, I'd lean towards the skater... or even the way people dress... I automatically drift towards alternative hippy types. When I was in school, these were a rare breed+ I was a practically a loner, as I didn't 'click' with many people. But since I went to art college, there were lots of them. For instance, I think very creative people have a completely different way of looking at things/ life in general and as a result get on with other creative people much better than non creatives.
Or I find too.. that often a genre of music will define many other characteristics of a person . For instance, I like rock music. I have found most of the time, that many of the things I believe in.. or morals, differ to those who are into.. dance music, for eg. (don't attack me!.. it's just an opinion)
I hope you find some friends you click with '