Incredibly low self esteem

LegacyUser

Folks,

Just thought i'd post up here to seek peoples opinions.

I'm a male, early 20's and i have recently discovered that i have extremely low self esteem. I say recently, i was in a long term relationship that ended earlier this year. In that relationship i didn't really think about it, at least no more than any other person would, as the person i was with completely loved me and as far as she was concerned, there was no other man for her(both mentally and physically) and i never had to worry about that side of things.

But now, i'm single and completely aware of my physical appearance, which i don't hold in high regard... faaaarrrrr from it. I've been told i'm ''hot'', not much but i have been told, which is great and a great confidence boost, but deep down i never really believe it!!!! I don't even know why

The thing is, i don't really know what to do about it or how to counteract it, sure i could do things like go to the gym and try to improve myself physically but how do i change the way i *think*. Since the breakup i've become a very jealous person and if i were to actually meet someone, i think my jealousy would maybe push them away and i don't really want to be in that situation in the first place.

Any opinions are appreciated,
Thanks.

Black Swan

Sounds like you are still in the throws of getting over your breakup? What you are experiencing is natural, I would think. But I would look out for the green monster of jealousy, it's a real relationship killer. Try to get out more. Maybe join a group of people with a good mix of females and males that does something you enjoy doing? I am not a big believer in the pub/club scene, but in any case get out more.

Colm_OReilly

LowCon,

I understand perfecty where you're coming from. It's an issue most people make, to one degree or another, and that's basing your confidence on something external to you. In this case, other's peoples opinions of you and the relationships you form with them.

Firstly this has to be stated. Physical appearance is not as important for girls' attraction as it is for guys. For guys, attraction is about 80% physical appearance and 20% personality. For girls, it's the opposite.

You could go to the gym, and I recommend everyone get themselves fit and regularly engage in some form of physical activity but you're right about wanting to change your thinking. This shows a level of maturity because you're looking internally at the problem, instead of trying to fix it on a surface level. If you were just going to the gym so you could look buff and THEN you'd be confident, you'd probably always have a body image issue. (Even ripped bodybuilders have this)

To change your thinking you need to decide what you want your thinking to be. Frame it in the positive. So instead of saying "I don't want to be jealous" you could say "I'm trusting." To me, affirmations said with emotion behind them are the best way to built up new beliefs. If you PM me your email addy I can send you an article I wrote on how to maximise affirmations. I don't as yet have it online anywhere.

A great book you could get is Shad Helmstetter - What to say when you talk to yourself.

Hope this helps, any questions reply, PM, or email me,
Colm

Talliesin

Yep. Break-ups will hit your self-esteem one way or another. If the other person leaves you, you wonder why; if you leave the other person or its pretty much mutual, you wonder if you're just not good at relationships.

I think it's important that everyone has something, not necessarily all that significant in the wider scope of things, that they can feel good about.

It's normally an insult to say somebody is doing something to boost their ego, but if what you're doing for that ego-boost isn't actually detrimental to anyone else, then I'd say its a good thing.

Going to a gym and working on your body and getting yourself to a better level of fitness, could be just the ego-boost you want, and probably will make you more attractive to a larger number of people. Alternatively though, there may be something that feels more significant to you that you could be doing, and the more significant it is to you the bigger the boost it'll give your self-esteem.

Kell

LowCon wrote:

Since the breakup i've become a very jealous person and if i were to actually meet someone, i think my jealousy would maybe push them away and i don't really want to be in that situation in the first place.

This is the issue, not looks. Meatloaf gets laid FFS, so what does that tell you about looks? Plus you have had relationships with girls, so please, do yourself a favour and stop worrying about how you look.

Why are you interested in meeting someone else? Serial monogamy does not do anything for your confidence, in fact it removes your opportunity to get to know who the fúck you are. You dont need people, you need reflection on what is going on in your life and to find out why you wouldnt be able to sustain a relationship going forward.

Fúck getting out and meeting people- stay at home, watch TV, smoke fags and ponder life the universe and everything and where you fit in it. If you want to sort out "Your" self esteem issues you're not going to be able to do so with someone "else" around now are you? Sorting out low SE takes fúcking ages and its not done on the píss one weekend with a bunch of newbs from a fitness club you've spent a fortune to join.

The answers that you'll likely come to after pondering for ages is "fúck what everyone else thinks, I am quite happy in my own skin". You'll be a much better person for it. Honest.

K-

Eggonaspoon

Well break-ups can do that to people. It is a form of rejection or if you broke up with her it can feel a bit like failure. I find that if things get ugly during and after a break-up it certainly does little good for your self esteem. Was it her who broke up and did it became ugly?

You’re talking about meeting someone else but I would seriously suggest to work on yourself before you get involved with someone. Relationships are never gonna work if your not happy with yourself.

By the way, are you just jealous when it comes down to women or do you mean in general? Like towards friends and colleagues?

fillmore jive

hey man, dont have low estemm. people are posting with serious answers! its obvious that they care.