Boyfriend V's Friend

LegacyUser

Ok I have been friends with this girl for 4 years, have been with my boyfriend 3 years. Last year me and my bf split for 4 weeks and during this split I was having an arguement with my bf when my friend jumped in and her and my bf had a huge arguement. She bad mouthed him to a few people, so did I as I hated him at the time. My friend was away for a year and is now back, but my bf hates me having anything to do with her. He hates her, say's she's an interfering little cow and so on and so on. Now when I'm texting her etc, he gets real quiet with me, almost falls out with me. It's at the stage now where I'm feeling guilty having any contact with my friend. Should I stop contacting her to keep my bf happy?

Beetlebum

Four years is quite a long time to be friends with somebody and it sounds like she jumped in to defend you so you obviously mean alot to her. It would be a shame to let a friendship go over this one incident. Say you do decide to stop being her friend and then you and your bf break up, where will you be then?

I can understand your bf not liking her considering she went around bad-mouthing him, but you say you did the same cause you hated him at the time. I'm guessing he must have done something pretty bad. Maybe try not to mention her too much around him and maybe talk to him about it. It seems really sad to just end the friendship....

Evil Phil

IMHO your boyfreind should be making more of an effort to get on with your friends. This was a year ago so he should try and get over it.

You're allowed your friends whether he likes them or not. She sounds like a good loyal friend to me, it's an awkward situation for sure though I think most guys who've broken up with a girlfriend have been badmouthed by her friends *shrug* you deal with it. If he'd been bad mouthed by one of his friends that would be a bit more serious.

Miguel_Sanchez

Sounds like the only thing your boyfriend has against your friend is the fact that she was bad-mouthing him to people. It's somewhat understandable that he wouldn't like her - he knows that she doesn't think much of him for whatever he did and could possibly be reminding you of it on a regular basis.

However she sounds like she's been nothing but a loyal friend to you so you have no reason to stop contacting her. It's your boyfriend's problem if he can't deal with you being friends with her. It'd be pretty unloyal if you dropped her just because it made him uncomfortable you contacting her. Don't let your other half dictate who you can or can't be friends with. But it sounds like he hasn't actually said anything to you about her so I don't see what the big problem is.

Carry on as before - it's time he got over it.

Kell

sallyanne wrote:

She bad mouthed him to a few people, so did I as I hated him at the time.

Some GF you are. I am surprised he is sticking around. I wonder if he suffers low self esteem. Hmmn...

sallyanne wrote:

He hates her, say's she's an interfering little cow and so on and so on.

Well is she an interfering little cow? So lets read this straight. You and your chum jump on the bandwagon of bad mouthing your BF when you were on a break from him. I assume she continues to dislike him too. Why dont you actually do the guy a favour and dump him? No ones needs that sort of crap in their life.

K-

Dragan

Kell wrote:

Some GF you are. I am surprised he is sticking around. I wonder if he suffers low self esteem. Hmmn...

Depends on why they took a break to be honest. Is it because they both needed space or because he cheated on her or because she tried to kill his mother. It help to get the full story before jumping to conclusions.

OP, why the break, and why did your friend feel the need to bad mouth him? If both were justified then fine, but your friend needs to accept that you are back with him and she needs to make an effort to get along with the guy. Likewise, your boyfriend needs to accept the same thing…your calling the the shots on this one, and if they are both as true to you as they claim they will listen to what you have to say.

LegacyUser

Yes he did cheat on me. Thats why we split up for 4 weeks and why he was bad mouthed. My friend is a loyal friend, always has been. He was arguing with me in a public place, I was mortified, I told him to stop that I didn't want to hear it, he kept going on and on,and she did jump in to defend me.
My friend holds nothing against my bf, we are getting married next year and she is delighted for me. I have told my bf how happy she is for us, he doesn't want ot hear it. He hates her. He said he can't stand her but doesn't want me sneaking around behind his back to meet her etc, but when I say I'm meeting her he gets annoyed with me. I dont know what to do.
I have talked with him about it, I told him I didn't think that one arguement was reason enough for him to carry on like this. He disagrees of course.

Chinafoot

Sorry but he sounds like a knob. I assume that the fact that he cheated on you has been forgiven, so why can't he move on from an argument he had with your friend?

The fact that you're even considering cutting off contact with your friend to keep him happy is actually quite worrying. What happens if he has an argument with more of your friends? Are you going to let his immaturity result in you having no friends? And you're planning to marry him!?

You need to sit him down and tell him that this girl has been nothing but a good friend to you. She was there for you when he hurt you and embarrassed you. He needs to get over it and if he refuses then you need to seriously take a good hard look at your relationship and ask yourself if this is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.

chamlis

Is she willing to meet the two of ye to maybe clear the air?
He mightn't be, but if she's as happy for you both as she says then she could maybe call around.
He might freak; He might listen.
See what she thinks if you can't talk to him.

Talliesin

Don't break up a friendship because of his problems.

Get him to sort his head out.

Dragan

Talliesin wrote:

Don't break up a friendship because of his problems.

Get him to sort his head out.

I'm taking this line as well. At the end of the day he was forgiven by you for what is a terrible thing to do to someone. I think he should just man up and realise your friend was backing you up because he was being a fool, and behaving like a bully.

He should be happy you have a good friend like her, and if she has good time for him he should have no reason not to like her. He can't say it was because she was bad mouthing him, apparently she was just telling the truth?

Anyway, he needs to get over himself on this one....he can't really be taking the moral high ground on it.

Talliesin

And really. If he's truly apologetic about it, he'd understand why friends that care for you would have been angry with him at the time - though possibly it's a matter of his anger being backed by feelings of guilt.

Chucky the tree

peachypants wrote:

Sorry but he sounds like a knob.

Agreed. What age is your bf? He sounds like a 15 year old.


Also, if i was your friend in this. I would be well pissed off with you for even considering to cut all ties with me. conisdering she stuck up for you and all. You dont sound like a great friend, so maybe she is better off without you.

Laslo

It sounds to me like all three of you should get out of the relationships that you're in and take some time to grow up before you try to get involved in adult relationships again.

LegacyUser

There are a few issues here you have forgiven your boyfriend of three years. Your friend was being loyal to you. Also you should not be controlled by anyone like that especially as you have accepted him back. If any boyfriend gave me an ultimatum he would be out the door. Your friends are important to you, your friend has never cheated on you. Is this the sort of relationship you want him domineering/controlling you.

Black Swan

sallyanne wrote:

Yes he did cheat on me. Thats why we split up for 4 weeks and why he was bad mouthed. My friend is a loyal friend, always has been. He was arguing with me in a public place, I was mortified, I told him to stop that I didn't want to hear it, he kept going on and on,and she did jump in to defend me.

Truly loyal friends are hard to find. I would not allow myself to be bullied into losing this friend.

sallyanne wrote:

My friend holds nothing against my bf, we are getting married next year and she is delighted for me. I have told my bf how happy she is for us, he doesn't want ot hear it. He hates her.

Could it be that your friend reminds him of when he cheated on you? That your friend was witness to the cheating and gives him a guilt trip? I think he needs to sort this out in his head, and not demand that you lose your friend.

LegacyUser

I shouldn't have posted "Should I give up contact with my friend to keep my bf happy" because I'd never do that.
He's 31, and he has never behaved so childishly before, I just can't understand where he is coming from on this one. Maybe it is guilt with him. He may get over it. My friend has never mentioned his cheating, she's happy once I'm happy.