"Forcing" Fatherhood On Someone?

LegacyUser

Hi all, long time lurker, first time poster, will try to keep it short and to the point although it is a bit of a long story......

Am 19 weeks pregnant, very happy about it now although it would be an understatement to say this wasn't always the case. Dated my baby's Dad a few times late last year, we decided to call it a day as he had a lot of commitments (children from previous marriage, work, hobbies etc), absolutely no bad feeling whatsoever, timing was just wrong, one of those things. Got back in touch early this year, he made it clear that he was still unable to see me regularly but would like to see me occasionally, thought about it and as I wasn't seeing anyone else at the time said sure, why not, we'll "hook up" when it suits us both but I was very sure I was in emotional danger i.e. I was fond of him not overly so and as long as all parties are aware of the terms of the agreement then I didn't see anything wrong with it. Anyway, we "hooked up" on a number of occasions, lovely time had by all, until the last time - the condom we were using broke and I wasn't on the pill. This had never happened to me before but no panic, took myself off to the Well Woman for the MAP just to be on the safe side - well as you know by now, there was no safe side and I was pregnant - total and utter disbelief with a good deal of rage thrown in ensued, had never done a pg test before, never taken the MAP, was always very carefuly so how could this happen to me?? But it had happened and I had to deal with it.

Always said that if this happened, it would be a trip across the water for me, no question at all but the reality of it is so different to hypothetics (is it a word?) and I found I couldn't do it, clearly no judgement on anyone who chooses this route, it just wasn't the right thing for me personally - told my chap when I found out, said I was unsure about what to do, he was stunned but very supportive, said he would go to the UK with me if that's what I wanted but would support me if I decided to keep the baby, he couldn't have a child of his in the world and not know them......smashing response and I was very relieved. Unfortunately, He changed his mind the next day and basically said if I choose to have the baby then I'm on my own, we were a casual relationship (very true), he didn't want more children, he was planning on moving to Europe (he had already told me this) - I said OK, thanks for telling me, I just needed to know exactly what I'm dealing with. Thought about it some more and decided that I can do this and would do this - told him and to cut a long, nasty conversation short, he said the only way he can deal with this is to forget about it, his name was not going on the birth cert, did I sub consciously want this to happen and all manner of pleasantries were exchanged. That was the last we spoke and that was in early July.

I suppose my question is should I do anything aside from let him know by e-mail/txt (cold I know but I'm not lining myself up for that conversation again) when my baby is born? No intention of applying for maintenance, I know I possibly should but I cannot abide the thoughts of court and I am lucky in that I have a well paid job, the frivolous shopping and last minute trips will have to go but I'm fine with that. Would also like to know if any of you have been in similar situations, both guys and gals opinions/experiences appreciated.

Basically, I made a choice to take her (strongly suspect it's a girl) and he made a choice to have leave her, should I just forget about him? I don't feel any resentment towards him to be honest, it's not as if we were careless, it was just bad luck and why should he be a Dad again when he absolutely doesn't want to be? My girl will be surrounded by people who will love her but it makes me a little sad to think of her without a Dad sometimes.

Thanks for reading, it turned out a little longer than first anticipated!

Juliet

The Sweeper

Hey OP

This is a difficult situaton for you, but in this day and age you're not alone in any way. The saddest part of this appears to be that this bloke's first, instinctive reaction was to be supportive and want to know his child. It bothers me that 24 hours later he's done an about turn. That smacks of outside influence - did someone try and talk him out of it (and succeed?) Or he could have spend the night thinking "Oh God what will [mammeh daddeh me siblings me mates the woman down the road] think" and so on.

Either way I think it bodes badly. People usually react badly initially and then, when they've had time to think, they calm down. Reacting well and THEN turning it all on its head - well, I think there's something just not right with that.

First: inform yourself how much money it costs to raise a child. There are plenty of resources that will help you calculate costs including childcare (you'll need to go back to work if you're on your own etc.). Then see realistically if you can afford to support this child on your own. Not just for six months, or a year, but in the long term. Once you have it on paper, it'll be more clear whether or not you'll need to bite the bullet and demand maintenance or not.

Maintenance money can be a double-edged sword from your point of view. If blokey pays it, he has more chance of getting a legal right to see his child. If you don't want him to have anything to do with you and baby it may (just may) be better for you to do it all by yourself (but it certainly won't be easier).

You're over halfway through your pregnancy, and you don't need any more stress. Do you have a good, close friend who you could trust to be a conduit between yourself and the father? For instance, someone who could contact him now, ask him if he would like to be told when the child is born, shield you from whatever reaction he delivers and then just tell you the edited version of yes or no?

Babies are strange things. There are people in the world who will forgive anything when confronted with a baby. For instance, his parents, if they're still living, might desperately want to know their grandchild and think it's all fabulous. (My aunt has more contact with three of her grandchildren than their father does. In fact, without her contact, he wouldn't know anything about them.)

It's important for you to not be stressed out by this any more than you already are, though, so while I'd think asking him now if he wants to know about delivery day is a good idea, I don't think you should do it yourself.

dr.bollocko

I dont care how well paid you are, I think that if the guy isnt going to give this baby any love, at least some of his money should go to supporting it. Tell him you dont want courts involved and see if you cant sort something out between the two of you. I know you have money, but the more you have, the better life you will give your child, and its a fathers place to play a part in that support. I find it incredible that you got pregnant with a Morning after pill and a condom. Someone, somewhere up there really wants you to have a baby. Maybe the little fella will change the world somehow. But you should get the dad to accept his responsibility and start paying you. And dont feel guilty about it at all, its just sound financial sense, and something you will have to get pretty savvy about with a kid on the way.
PS I think your attitude is fantastic.

ANXIOUS

i admire your courage some if not most people in your situation would have hoped across the water ( not looking down at anyone, i wouldnt know what id do if me and my gf were in this situation ) your baby is going to be very lucky that it has a mother that will appreciate it as much as it soulds like you will in your post. I wish you and the baby the best of luck. (i know it has nothing to do with the post sorry)

Orange69

I disagree with bollocko, keeping a baby should be a decision for both the parents, if he doesnt want to be a dad you should respect it, and harassing him in court for money will sour everything.. I really feel for guys in this situation, they have no rights.. I bet if you as a woman wanted to get an abortion and he wanted to keep the child, you wouldent give a damn about his oponion and do it anyway.. The door swings both ways..

Terrible situation though and i hope it works out 4 u!

Sp@rtacus

Hi Juliet,

Congratulations on being a mummy-to-be! I prob dont have much advice to offer and I hope/am sure you will get lots of fantastic advice and support from others here about your situation, so I will just say this...

I am a Daddy. My little boy is the sun and moon and the air I breathe and all that stuff...:rolleyes: but seriously, I have never known a love like it. His Mum became pregnant the first time we slept together, so needless to say, it was a bit of a shocker. When she told me, the only think I could think to do was to put my arms around her and look after her, and thats what I have always tried to do. Things are not how I would wish now, but that's a whole other thread!:(

Anyway, I can empathise with how this guy is feeling as when "that sentence" came out of her mouth, my world slowed to a crawl. It was like she was talking in slow-motion as my mind raced a mile a minute teasing out all the sceanrios of what this meant for her, for me, family, career, travel etc.... It was frightening. Anyway as you know, its a massively, life altering situation and he is probably scared sh|tless (at least he has had prior experience). I think from his initial reaction, maybe he is a decent sort of chap and probably likes you quite a bit, but in the cold light of day, when he started loking at the reality of it all, doing his sums, cancelling his Europe adventure etc etc, he got himself all freaked out. In the course of this he has prob said some Stoopid ass things to you (did you "subconciously" get pregnant??:eek: FFS:rolleyes: ) but I think you would be better advised to play it cool with him. There's an expression that you will catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, and I think in situations like htis it is very true. Give him time to process this. I know time is not a luxury you have and ideally he should be by your side, but leave the door ajar for him to come back and have some involvement in your and your baby's (tenner says its a boy!:D ) future at some point.

Re financial support... he SHOULD pay you maintenance and he SHOULD contribute to all costs in the childs future. It doesnt matter that he didnt/doesnt want a baby... he will have one soon whether he likes that fact or not, and sticking his loaf in the sand is childish and selfish. Dont worry about court etc now, just concentrate on being happy and healthy for your baba and let everything else fall into place. Thankfully, you are not living hand to mouth, but thats irrelevant to his responsiblities and when you feel able to tackle it, a court will reinforce that for you. And him if is still acting the goat.

He may well come to terms with it things soon , it may take seeing the baby, but maybe he will cop on and your future could be different. Give it the chance to happen and dont burn you bridges.

I wish you the very best for the rest of your pg, and fair play to you for being so strong. x

Ps: www.rollercoaster.ie Great parenting website, lots of people to help you through the pregnancy if you need it

Victor

I don't think you are forcing anything on anyone. He knew the risks.

Financially, while you may be comfortable now, it won't necessarily be like that always. You could demand maintainence and put it away in a college fund or something.

LundiMardi

Orange69 wrote:

I disagree with bollocko, keeping a baby should be a decision for both the parents, if he doesnt want to be a dad you should respect it, and harassing him in court for money will sour everything.. I really feel for guys in this situation, they have no rights.. I bet if you as a woman wanted to get an abortion and he wanted to keep the child, you wouldent give a damn about his oponion and do it anyway.. The door swings both ways..

Terrible situation though and i hope it works out 4 u!

Well, personally, if the guy doesn't want kids then the guy shouldn't have sex PERIOD.

No contraception is 100% and there is ALWAYS a risk. So you should deal with the consequences should they happen!!

OP - No, you can't force him to be a father emotionally, if he doesn't want to be then you can't do a whole lot. But for crying out loud, he has a responsability as the childs biological father to do HIS part.

You're letting him away very lightly here.

If you feel bad about taking his money then just take it and put it into a savings account for the child, to pay for the kids education, one less thing for you to worry about, it's only right and the one person and most important person that will benefit from it is the child.

Black Swan

I would tell the father when the child was born. Although you are fortunate to have a safety net with family, being a single mam can be challenging from what I have read. And if he knows about his child, it is hard for me to imagine that he completely ignore its existance.

embee

Hi Juliet,

First of all - congratulations on your pregnancy

This is an unfortunate situation that you've found yourself in, but I would bear in mind one thing -

If the father of your child wants nothing to do with her, thats his choice and he's made that with his eyes wide open. He has children from a previous relationship and he knows what he is letting himself in for. He'll know what he is missing. Once the baby arrives, I would definitely tell him (by text, email, whatever way you are more comfortable with). In years to come, your daughter may ask you why her Dad was never around, and if you tell him about her and have tried to involve him in your childs life, then you can look her in the eye and tell her this. I don't think this is about parents "rights", more parents responsibilities, and at the end of the day, if you've pursued the father of your child in an effort for her to know her Daddy, you have done what you should do. Your daughter will have more respect for you if you are honest with her from the get-go (well, at least from when she's old enough to understand). If she comes to early adulthood and wants to find her Dad, wants her questions answered etc., then you should help her to do that too. You seem like a levelheaded person, and you already love your baby before she's even arrived (I know that feeling!). Sure, she may not grow up with a Dad, but she'll have you, and you can give her all the love she needs.

Good luck to you - I do admire your decision to go it alone. You won't regret a second of it... my daughter is 8 months old now and I can't begin to imagine how empty my life would be without her.

ntlbell

As was said before put in for the maintenance if you don't need it now you might in the future.

regardless of what happens always leave the door open for the father to come into the childs life.

good luck

thebman

ntlbell wrote:

As was said before put in for the maintenance if you don't need it now you might in the future.

regardless of what happens always leave the door open for the father to come into the childs life.

good luck

^ I agree with this. The guy should help out. Have you talked to him about that becuase you should even if you don't need the money now, you will at a future date guarenteed.

Education costs a lot, clothes, food, childcare etc... You'd should take whatever help you can get, especially when your going to have to raise it alone.

If you have enough money then maybe you could cut back on work a little (if possible) and then you'd have more time to spend with your kid etc...

There are so many reasons why its a good idea to get help from him on the money front.

upthere

Poor lad, he's stuck really. He has obligation to get involved, its his kid.

ferdi

you're not forcing anything on him. no one forced him to sleep with you...

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies folks, they're very much appreciated. The maintenance thing is hard to explain, if he wanted involvement in her life (Sp@rtacus I'll take that tenner off you on 17th March 2007!) then I would expect him to support her but as he won't, then I don't expect him to support her and at the moment, I suppose I do see it as "taking his money". Perhaps I'm really just hoping he'll come round himself if I don't push it, I doubt he will though. I may change my mind about this, I may have to - went to see a creche on Friday that will cost €950 per month, absolutely no choice but to work full time so it's not a moveable expense, and I believe €950 is very reasonable.

I guess I just feel quite sympathetic towards him, I know my choice wasn't easy but I definitely had one whereas he didn't. I also feel that our last conversation was extremely unpleasant and would like to talk to him again now that some time has passed but he was crystal clear at the time so I have no reason to believe he has relented even slightly. I'll wait until she's born, let him know and leave it at that. I really appreciate all the advice about the maintenance but for the moment, I would prefer to leave things and just enjoy my pregnancy - she's kicking a bit now and it's all good.

Thanks again

Juliet