Relationship Breakup and Implications for new baby

LegacyUser

Im looking for some advice,

4 months ago a girl i was seeing had my baby girl. I've only stayed with the girl because of the baby we've grown apart through the many hormonal arguements she started while she was pregnant. I've had enough and want to end the relationship but im worried about getting access to my daughter as im not on the birthcert. We're both 101% shes mine she just didnt put me on the birthcert as it was another way to kick me in the balls or to maximise her social welfare payments as she claims.

This girl is an out and out bitch, when we would argue when she was pregnant she would say things like she would tell the courts i used to hit her so i would never get to see my child unspupervised. I know withouth a shadow of a doubt shes going to make this as difficult as possible for me just because she can and it worries me, makes me think again that its work sticking around for another year and a half untill the child knows me enough to want to see me herself

Can anybody offer my any advice as to what to expect if i do pull the plug on the relationship? i know as soon as i do she will stop me seeing my daughter and i dont want it to take too long before i get to see her through the courts... if i get to see her through the courts that is

thanks all

W

Ba_barbaraAnne

Sorry to hear of the situation you are in.

Being named as father of a child on a birth cert gives you no more rights then any other un-married father in this country.... none at all. If you really wish to end the relationship but still have a role in your daughter's life, go and see a good family law solicitor. You will be able to go to court and try and get access and also apply for guardianship of her.

I would reccommend that you give your girlfriend child support (and document this, preferably paying it directly into her bank account so that she can't say she didn't get it). If she says she doesn't want money, open a post office or credit union account in your daughter's name and pay money into there.

If, as you say, your girlfriend may try and make up stories about your relationship to make you look bad, make sure that if/when you go to court you bring along a character witness that would know both of you during the time you've been together. If you haven't been violent towards her, she won't have any medical or witness evidence to support this, and the courts are used to this kind of thing anyway.

Contact the Unmarried Father's of Ireland for more advice as well. there are plenty of men who have been through your difficult situation and they will be able to give you more advice and support

Good luck

Sleepy

My suggestion? Marry her. You can then seperate in a few months sure in the knowledge that you'll have access to your child.

John Mason

Sleepy wrote:

My suggestion? Marry her. You can then seperate in a few months sure in the knowledge that you'll have access to your child.

What you need to do is get yourself to a solicitor and apply for legal guardianship, this over rules the birth certificate issue. your ex may drag this out but it will also mean, she cant take the baby out of the country without your say so

King of Kings

as an unmarried father you don't have automatic rights but you can get them through the court - you'd want to have serious issues not to get them.

Don't worry about her claiming that you hit her cos that happened a mate of mine - he had to do some time with supervised access and once they were satisifed he was ok he can see his daughter all the time and his ex cannot stop him.

Another thing - the judge mightn't believe her in court.


I have to admit when my wife was pregnant and for a while after (a lot longer than 4 months) things were pretty **** and hormones flying....tbh as well I know she was using the hormone excuse to let fly. But we stuck it out and things picked up. I've been through the "I'll make sure you never see your kid again" routine.

So maybe think about sticking about a small bit more.
Although i'm aware that your relationship and mine are different. If you want to PM me and have a chat by all means.

Talliesin

Parents don't have rights. Children have rights, parents have responsibilities.

Black Swan

I think you should tell him when your child is born. Being a single mam will not be easy for you, although it's good to know that your chan is a safety net. Then again, it's really hard for me to imagine how a Da can neglect wanting to share in the care of his child. I guess there are those kinds of people, but just perhaps your X will have a change of heart and turn into a standup man and not a mouse?

BreadBoard

Witsend wrote:

Im looking for some advice,

4 months ago a girl i was seeing had my baby girl. I've only stayed with the girl because of the baby we've grown apart through the many hormonal arguements she started while she was pregnant. I've had enough and want to end the relationship but im worried about getting access to my daughter as im not on the birthcert. We're both 101% shes mine she just didnt put me on the birthcert as it was another way to kick me in the balls or to maximise her social welfare payments as she claims.

This girl is an out and out bitch, when we would argue when she was pregnant she would say things like she would tell the courts i used to hit her so i would never get to see my child unspupervised. I know withouth a shadow of a doubt shes going to make this as difficult as possible for me just because she can and it worries me, makes me think again that its work sticking around for another year and a half untill the child knows me enough to want to see me herself

Can anybody offer my any advice as to what to expect if i do pull the plug on the relationship? i know as soon as i do she will stop me seeing my daughter and i dont want it to take too long before i get to see her through the courts... if i get to see her through the courts that is

thanks all

W

OP, I went trough this when my son was 5 months old. Had to bring her to court to gain access and joint guardianship, it was a very difficult time in my life and she was a right bitch in the court room. But the Judge saw trough her. I sought help from "Unmarried and Separated Fathers of Ireland". See this - http://www.constitution.ie/oral-hearings/family-issues_presentations-28042005/

That guy Ray Kelly helped me out no end, I consider him a friend. I couldn't see my son for 2 months as the courts didn't open until that October, it was hell !!!!!

Anyway got to see my son the next day after being in court, it's now 2 years on and I get to see my son when I like. I'm not on my son BC either so she gets more money :rolleyes:

Anyway if you need advice contact Ray Kelly.

Witsend if you would like to pm me, I would be only gald to offer a friendly voice/advice.

Keep the chin up

Esel

Blue_Lagoon wrote:

I think you should tell him when your child is born. Being a single mam will not be easy for you, although it's good to know that your chan is a safety net. Then again, it's really hard for me to imagine how a Da can neglect wanting to share in the care of his child. I guess there are those kinds of people, but just perhaps your X will have a change of heart and turn into a standup man and not a mouse?

WTF? Did you read the original post?

OP, was the pregnancy planned? Did you talk about getting married? (not that that solves anything!). From what you say, the child might be better off if you don't stick around with someone you consider to be "an out and out bitch". At some time, you liked the mother enough to 'see' her. Have you seen enough, or what else has changed?

LegacyUser

Whether the fathers name is on the birth cert or not makes no difference to her social welfare payments at all. Whether the parents are together or not is what is taking into account for social welfare payment. So she lied to you on that one. I've been through the exact same situation.
If she does claim that you have hit her, you more than likely won't get guardianship, but you will get supervised visits for a period and then this will be reviewed and all going well you will see your child on your own.
Make sure you are paying weekly maintenance to her bank account, if not, it'll go against you in court.

silvine

That's sounds rough man, stick in there. Check out www.treoir.ie. They have plenty of information on what's available and what rights you have. There's also a statutory declaration form you need to get sorted, to ensure you're legally recognised as the father. There's details of it on the site. Best of luck

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice everyone, after thinking about the implications of leaving i think i'll stick it out a little longer, bite my lip for a while so to speak and see how things develop! Another few months cant hurt

Thanks again!

LegacyUser

and just for the record i didnt and would never hit her or any woman so that wont be an issue. Thanks again

mountainyman

By the way she can claim you raped her beat, her everyday and are a heroin addict; in the family court they don't give a **** they've heard it all before.

Hang in there, get a paternity test (discreetly) and talk to a solicitor.
If you send me a PM I will PM you back with the name of a guy who was good for me.

MM

The Sweeper

Just a note on the family court/supervised visits end of things - those guys are not remotely concerned about you, your rights and your feelings. All they're worried about is your child. Subsequently, you are always best to cooperate with them and play by the rules - if you come across as a balanced, respectful and well-meaning chap, who's paying maintenance, cooperating with the supervised contact visits etc and behaving in a manner that causes least distress to your child, and your missus is a shrieking harpy shouting allegations about beatings and abuse, you'll come off better in that comparison.

BreadBoard

MinesBIGSLUT wrote:

Just a note on the family court/supervised visits end of things - those guys are not remotely concerned about you, your rights and your feelings. All they're worried about is your child. Subsequently, you are always best to cooperate with them and play by the rules - if you come across as a balanced, respectful and well-meaning chap, who's paying maintenance, cooperating with the supervised contact visits etc and behaving in a manner that causes least distress to your child, and your missus is a shrieking harpy shouting allegations about beatings and abuse, you'll come off better in that comparison.

Agreed !

But, I'd put the word only in this line "those guys are not only remotely concerned about you, your rights and your feelings."

John Mason

mountainyman wrote:

By the way she can claim you raped her beat, her everyday and are a heroin addict; in the family court they don't give a **** they've heard it all before.

Hang in there, get a paternity test (discreetly) and talk to a solicitor.
If you send me a PM I will PM you back with the name of a guy who was good for me.

MM

just on the whole parternity test descreetly - it is illegal to get a test done without the consent of both parents. if you do this without your ex's knowledge you will be unable to produce this in court or if you do you will find yourself in serious **** .........i used to be a legal secretary specialising in family law .......please do not get a test without your ex's permission .....you have no idea of the trouble you will end up in .............good luck........go and get some good legal advice the law society will be able to tell which solicitors deal with exclusively with family law

BreadBoard

irishbird wrote:

just on the whole parternity test descreetly - it is illegal to get a test done with the consent of both parents. if you do this without your ex's knowledge you will be unable to produce this in court or if you do you will find yourself in serious **** .........i used to be a legal secretary specialising in family law .......please do not get a test with your ex's permission .....you have no idea of the trouble you will end up in .............good luck........go and get some good legal advice the law society will be able to tell which solicitors deal with exclusively with family law

Did you mean without ex's permission ?

Edit;

he he

I see you edited your post.

King of Kings

Talliesin wrote:

Parents don't have rights. Children have rights, parents have responsibilities.

one - you're not helping.
Two - tha's a stupid cliched line. parents do have rights.
3 - it's irrelvant cos the OP is talking about his rights to have access to his child. I think it's a foregone conclusion he is trying to be responsible for his child.

King of Kings

Op - as one of the other posters said: pay the child support into her bank account.

This is important cos when you go to court she cannot claim you've given her nothing.
A mate of mine was paying his ex for 3 years (cash in hand) and they fell out cos she wanted more. So they went to court and she denied he gave her money ever. Since they're was nothing record the judge had to make a decision based on what the thought the situation wreally was.

Thankfully he believed my mate was paying but he raised the future oayments to what she wanted.

BreadBoard

King of Kings wrote:

Thankfully he believed my mate was paying but he raised the future oayments to what she wanted.

Paid her what she wanted? That doesn't happy, your mate was telling porkies. I was in this situation, myself and the ex had to fill out a form and put down our costs (all costs) of living. Now she brought me to court for maintenance.

The Judge new by listening to her that all she was interested in was money. The Judge didn't look at the form I filled out and he went trough her form with a fine tooth comb, he gave it to the clerk to give to me to keep.

Anyway the Judge made the decision on what I was to pay and that was it.