'Breaking Up' with my Best Friend

Mrs_Doyle

I was going to go unregged, but feck it, I was brave with the last one, I will be brave with this one too!

Ok, I had/have a best friend, her name will be Mary, for the sake of this thread.
Myself and Mary have been best friends since we were 15 and 16, so that's nearly 9 years of friendship.

Over those years, when I was a bit younger, I practically lived in Mary's house, sine then we went on our first foreign holiday, minus parent's, together, hooked up with our first BF's, broke up with our first BF's, enrolled in college, dropped out of college, enrolled again, partied together, shopped together, dieted together, laughed together and cried together.

Now there has always been something a bit 'wrong' with Mary, and I know that's a bad choice of words, but what I mean is, I think she has something wrong with her, like a mild depression, or something along those lines.

It is something that has always been there, and for the most part, didn't show itself, but every few months she would encounter some kind of drama, which to her would be the biggest problem anyone has ever been faced with, but to others, it might not have seemed such a big deal.

I am probably not explaining myself very well, so I will give you a few examples.
When Mary was about 17/18 herself and her younger sister had a fight, they were pulling each others hair, the works. Mary's mam ran up the stairs, towards the commotion, and screamed at them to stop it, they didn't, and she threw a slap which landed on Mary. It wasn't aimed for her, that's just were it fell.

Anyhow - the outcome - Mary packs her bags and runs away to her Aunties house, vowing never to speak to her horrible parents ever again!
This went on for about 2 weeks, before I eventually rang her mam, and asked her if she would ask Mary to come home, cos I was only hearing Mary's side of things, and from all accounts, she was very upset.

Her mam told me that she had contact Mary on several occasion (I didn't know this) and that at that stage, her father requested that she actually apologise to her mother for upsetting her so much.

So I call Mary, give her the low down, and how does she interpret what I have said? She decided her father is glad to be shut of her and no longer wants her living under his roof! (FFS!) So back on the phone to her mumsy, who was completely fed up of the whole thing by now, and I explain that I may have made things worse.
Long story short, Mumsy sorts it all out and Mary returned home.


For the last 4/5 years Mary has told that story to anyone who will listen, but she sees it completely differently to anyone else.

When she tells it, she says her mam took her sisters side over her, and lashed out at her.
That no one tried to stop her moving out, that they were glad she was gone, and only asked her to come back after I made them feel really guilty.

That is not how it was at all.

Anyhow, I am digressing, the above is an example of what she often does, she seems to blow things entirely out of perspective, and ends up getting very upset, and very depressed about something that could have been fairly easily solved.

Yesterday, I found I email that I wrote to her almost exactly 3 years ago.
It read:

Your depression is driving me mental and I think the time has definitely come for you to go and seek professional help.
You don't realise it but you put an awful lot of pressure on me.
Im 22 years old, I want to be out there, socialising, mingling, enjoying myself, all the things a 22year old should be doing and you make me feel guilty for doing it.
You tell me your jealous of my other friends and unhappy with the time I spend with them.
You go all quiet whenever i mention doing something or going somewhere that might not involve you.
You went off the deep end when i mentioned i might want to go abroad for a while, even tho nothin was done for definate. I try to pick ye up and cheer ye up but i cant do it and its draggin me down.
i cant stand listnin to you slate everything. Jesus, im no mary sunshine but life is not that bad.
you really do need to get yourself sorted out! and i dont think im the person to help ya!
Ill be der for ye but there is only so much i can do, im obviously not helping cos i cant understand where your coming from or why ye feel the way you do!

I couldn't believe it when I read it, because it pretty much describes the situation that we are in right now.

Here is a piece of an email that was sent, in frustration, just last week! (My writing skills have improved slightly Thank God)

Well you could have asked, bad day or not!
You see I think you forget how a best friends thing is supposed to work, your suppose to be interested in what the other person is doing in their lives, concerned for them when something bad happens, and happy for them when something good happens.
Whenever I do well in anything you tell me to **** off, you don't wanna know.
I just emailed asking permission to ring you with my news, and you never replied, not even to ask what it was, and you still haven't asked.
When I told you I got through in the **** Radio thing, you sneered at what a **** station it was - you must know by now that I would be over the moon to work for ANY station, so why make a joke of it.
You knew I had an interview coming up here, but you never enquired to see what was happening, or called them to see how I got on.
Then, when I get a bit annoyed about your lack of interest in anything I do, you cannot understand why I am a bit annoyed with you!!!!
Now, I am genuinely trying to give you advice here, regarding your situation, but you seem more interested in having a row about nothing.
your wasting your energy fighting with me, when you should be thinking about what your next step is going to be.

I will help however I can, and I think you know that.

Again, I am digressing, I just wanted to show that our problems are not recent, they have been ongoing.

So, to cut an extremely long story short, I honestly believe we have reached the point of no return.

I don't feel like I have a best friend, even though, if anyone were to ask me who my best friend was, I would probably say her.

I realise the girl has some sort of problem, but it has truly become an exhausting problem to deal with.

I would love nothing more then a best friend who actually really takes in interest in me, and what I am doing, who is happy for me when good things happen, and who sympathises, or helps me, when bad things happen.

I thought that these were the things that made people into best friends, and these are all of the things that I have tried to be, as a best friend, but after 9 years, I just don't feel like I am getting anything back, and for lack of a better word, it really makes me feel very, very sad.

At the moment, I feel like a have a huge brick in my stomach or something, it is a horrible, weighted, sad feeling to think that 9 years of friendship is about to end - but it seriously looks like it is over.

I know I can't do this anymore, and she just doesn't seem to be able to see outside of herself, it is almost as if she is refusing to see that there may be an imbalance in the 'give and take'.

I really don't know what to do now, it feels like we are breaking up, and I can't imagine someone else taking the roll of 'my best friend', not when I have so much history with Mary, but, I think I am being unfair on myself if I continue on in the friendship as it is.

c - 13

I just want to say that I think you are correct in what you have done and fair play to you for being brave enough t send that mail. We all know how easy it is to wuss out and click the discard button instead. Hope it all works out for you.

Trinity

I think you have answered your own question.

Reading that it sounds like a long standing marriage that has gone sour!

She sounds selfish i guess and has gotten comfortable in the knowledge that you are her crutch and no matter how she treats you, you will always be there for her.

She doesnt appreciate your friendship and i have been there. Those me feiners/drama queen types never change.

Its all about me me me mememmemememememme!!!!!!!!!! Jaysus i am just thinking about an ex friend sorry

problems or not, she is not your responsibility and although friendships have their ups and downs, and need some degree of maintenance - i will tell you what i tell people in relationships (cos when you think about it, its the same thing) - if they make you feel bad get out! If there are more bad times than good - get out! If you are not happy or getting some enjoyment from it - get out!

You seem to have made an effort and communicated youir feelings to her to no avail. SO apart from the obvious if its worth saving etc etc - but i think you have done your share. If she cant meet you half way then let it go.

Vegeta

I don't think you can say there is any thing wrong with her just because she is different from you.

Maybe she is just a greedy, jealous person who begrudges you any success.

Maybe your friend just wants different things in life and you guys have grown apart on important issues.

Chinafoot

If it makes you that unhappy then end the friendship.

I'm finding it hard to sympathise with your view on depression, i.e. that Mary has something "wrong" with her. If it was me I'd be more inclined to encouraging her to get some counsellinig instead of giving out to her for not asking all about me. But then again, I'm only going on what you've said in your post.

I find it interesting that the first example you give is something that happened 5 years ago. She clearly has issues with what happened and she needs to deal with them but tbh, it's obviously something that's been bothering you too for this long. Or does it just bother you that she's talking about it to anyone who'll listen? I have a friend who goes on and on about one incident that happened years ago and while I've heard the story a million times (and have heard the other side of the situation and know that he's not seeing the full situation) I'm not about to drop him as a friend just because it annoys me to hear the same one-sided version of events and instead encourage him to sort out his problems.

I agree that this girl, and whatever is "wrong" with her, is not your responsibility but I don't know, if she had been my best friend for 9 years then we must have had some good times together to make it that long. I wouldn't be so eager to drop her over her being depressed, not asking me all about me all the time, and not being fun enough for me (no offence at all, but thats how your post came across to me). Had she done something to really hurt me, intentionally, then yea I'd say bye-bye, or if I felt that she was in some way damaging to me then yea I would end it.

My advice: If you feel the friendship has run it's course then say goodbye. You could maybe sit her down and tell her exactly what you've posted here, see what she says. If she tells you to fúck off then just walk away and don't contact her anymore.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Mrs_Doyle

peachypants wrote:

If it makes you that unhappy then end the friendship.

I'm finding it hard to sympathise with your view on depression, i.e. that Mary has something "wrong" with her. If it was me I'd be more inclined to encouraging her to get some counsellinig instead of giving out to her for not asking all about me. But then again, I'm only going on what you've said in your post.

Oh God, don't get me wrong, the emails your looking at were sent after months, and years of encouraging and trying to help.
They are not an example of my typical attitude toward her.
And as for examples, well, if I had written any more my post would have been one of the longest on records, but certainly, if you require more recent examples, I can provide you with them no problem.

I have copied and pasted the Original Post to her, and I know she won't get it till tomorrow, so I guess I will know more then.

milod

You've been a loyal friend for a long time and it's been all give on your part. How long do you need to wait before you realise that your friend is self indulgent and self deluded?

She clearly knows there's a problem but deludes herself despite your pleas for reason. It's time to jettison her before she drags you down with her - perhaps that will be the catalyst for her to seek professional help?

dr.bollocko

It sounds like you two have been having a sort of emotional affair. Providing support for each other in your late teens and at the start of college that could be seen as more of a boyfriend role in different circumstances. With this your friendship got incredibly tight and close knit. Then from incredibly tight to constricting. But it sounds like now, you have tired of this persons inability to change or move on. I often find that a couple of months distance can often put a different perspective on these things. Despite your detailed post, we dont really know the ins and outs of your past relationship with her, but you seem strong enough to break these ties that are constricting you, and she doesn't. I guess its time to move on.

Mrs_Doyle

dr.bollocko wrote:

It sounds like you two have been having a sort of emotional affair. Providing support for each other in your late teens and at the start of college that could be seen as more of a boyfriend role in different circumstances. With this your friendship got incredibly tight and close knit. Then from incredibly tight to constricting. But it sounds like now, you have tired of this persons inability to change or move on. I often find that a couple of months distance can often put a different perspective on these things. Despite your detailed post, we dont really know the ins and outs of your past relationship with her, but you seem strong enough to break these ties that are constricting you, and she doesn't. I guess its time to move on.

WOW, On a lighter note, I think this is maybe one of the nicest, insightful and most considerate things I have ever seen you post on Boards.

I think your right, with regard to it being like a 'BF/GF' relationship.

It actually does feel like that, and it does feel like a 'break up' right now.

In the beginning, she was very jealous and resentful of my current BF, and when she hooked up with her current BF not long afterward, I was really glad, in a selfish way, because it relieved some of the pressure that was on me, and obviously I was happy for her too.

dr.bollocko

hmmm. Sounds like you found friendship with a likeminded teenager. I think you grew and changed, and she didnt or hasnt started yet, and so now you are still friends with the same teenager maybe? Its a hard one to judge. I find it hard to lose a long term friend, no matter how annoying they were, they are still that person that you have all those great times with. I cant believe someone is about to successfully break up with a friend, I never before thought this possible.

Daithio

She sounds like a bit of a pain in the hole, but I think ditching her altogether is a bad idea. As much for yourself as for her. No matter how badly you have been getting on recently you've still got all that history together, and if you just try to cut her out altogether I doubt it will really work. Just put things on the backburner for a while, keep in touch, but not every day.

From your description of her it sounds like she can be fairly manipulative, and your emails to her look like you're kind of putting yourself in a situation that she can manipulate you from. Don't be so needy, if she acts like a bitch just ignore her, don't let it bother you, or more importantly don't let her see that it is bothering you. It'll soon stop then I'd imagine, once she stops getting a rise out of you.

Black Swan

Getting a little space from her at this point might be a way to go, then see what happens? Might allow her an opportunity to wake up and value what might be lost if you break as friends?

Sp@rtacus

dr.bollocko wrote:

...Sounds like you found friendship with a likeminded teenager. I think you grew and changed, and she didnt or hasnt started yet, and so now you are still friends with the same teenager maybe?

I think the good doctor has hit the nail on the head there (at least as far as I can see from your background). I think that as teenagers and early 20s, the coming of age collective circumstances you shared at that stage ie: first foreign holiday, BF's, college, partying etc were as much the glue to your relationship as perhaps the underlying commonality and "real" bond you have with a "real" friend that you know will be your friend for a long time (excuse the gayness of that please:D )

Anyway, I think since you have started to grow and develop in different areas of your life, and from reading some of your other posts I reckon what you are passionate about pursuing now, is very different to what you had started out pursuing back in the day, her own self-held short-comings have become ever more glaring to her. Maybe she is in fact depressed. Very easily treated these days. Maybe encourage her to see her GP, a couple of months on Prozac and she could be a new woman? Maybe she has very low self esteem and is paralysed by her fear of not being able to succeed in the ways she sees you succeeding. Who knows. I'm not going to play pop-psychologist.

I do think your mails are brave however, and maybe you getting harsh with her coupled with taking some space from her for a while and not being her crutch anymore might be the kick up the arse she needs and things might improve in the future?

Either way, remember, we are not the same pseron at 25 as 15, nor 35 as 25. It would therefore be unrealistic to expect that all our relationships will survive through these years. You have tried to be her friend, but some friendships mature, others die and new ones are born. If the ties that bind have fraid and torn, why struggle to lash yourself to a dead weight? Sorry for the ramble

throwingmuses

I haven't read through all the replies, but anyway. I have 'broken up' with friends in the past whom I still miss. But it's very simple, I look at it in the way of a boy/girl relationship - if I realise that I would not take the treatment from someone I was going out with then I will not take it from a 'friend'. If a boyfriend treated you that way for years you would eventually say enough is enough I deserve better than this, so why should a friendship be any different. Like I said I've 'broken up' with friends (and one who also I tried to help when she was majorly depressed - but then realised I was being drained and becoming depressed myself) and I do miss these friends, but time goes on, we all change, and friendships often don't adapt to the changes. I still dont have a 'best friend' now like I had in the past, I have many close friends though and don't feel the need for the 'best friend' and certainly don't miss the phonecalls from people like our friend who don't seem to care for your own needs, just their own...

Mrs_Doyle

Ok, so I told you all I was going to email you a copy of my Original Post. I knew she wouldn't be happy, but feck it, I always bang on about the importance of honesty and communication, so it had to be done.

Well I got a text from her earlier, saying that she had replied to my email.

I was in the dentist, couldn't text back, but about an hour or so later I replied, saying I wasn't online as I had just had 3 fillings, and that I would check later today, or maybe tomorrow, depending on whether I was up to going into work.

So, 30 mins later, she texts me, asking me not to read her email at all, and asking me to delete it.
We started texting back and forth, (big, 3 part-er messages) and kinda resolved a lot of issues.
She asked if I wanted us not to be best friends, but just casual mates. I was honest, I told her I had lots of friends, but had always thought of her as my best friend, and thought she felt the same, and had hoped it was always be that way.
She replied saying she felt the same, and we basically agreed to let the other one know when we are pis$ed off, or hurt, or unhappy with the other, at the time that it happens, instead of letting lots of little things build up and turn into one big ball of resentment.

Long story short (we were texting for an hour!) we patched things up.

However, I couldn't resist checking my emails, and I have to say, what she wrote was vicious, I am talking down right mean.

So I sent her a quick text saying 'I just skimmed over your email, and I have to say, my original email was written with an 'upset' tone to it, whereas yours seems to have been written with the sole intention of being incredibly hurtful, anyhow, I have deleted it, its gone, and I am happy not to bring it up again.'

She replied saying she knew it was hurtful, and that was why she had asked me not to read it, as it was sent in the heat of the moment.

Bottom line, I think I am happy to forgive and forget and try to move on from here with an open and honest approach to the friendship - she seems to feel the same way - son fingers crossed, we can be best friends for another 9 years, and maybe even longer!

dr.bollocko

Wow thats incredible. Though in fairness, even if the email she sent you stings, you know some people react very differently to these situations. I'd rather one vicious email (understandable, in a way, you know, if she's not the most emotionally mature, she was just trying to tell you how upset she was at your email, and ended up cutting you to ribbons, at least you know that her mail was a heat of the moment thing designed to hurt and not a long time crafted Fück you. I wouldnt worry about the email. But I also cant believe it was all sorted out that simply. Its weird the way written word even in text form can have such an impact in resolving these things. When you are texting each other, nobody can storm off or shout over the other person and everyone gets heard.

Mrs_Doyle

dr.bollocko wrote:

. Its weird the way written word even in text form can have such an impact in resolving these things. When you are texting each other, nobody can storm off or shout over the other person and everyone gets heard.

Well that's it, I didn't want to talk on the phone, because you can hang up, or find yourself cursing, or name calling - but you don't tend to do any of that in writing. You have the chance to word things exactly how you mean them to be interpreted, and not get all flustered and blurt something out that either you didn't mean, or doesn't make any sense at all.
We are still texting now, and she has admitted to thinking she has some form of a mild depression, she just told me her bloke told her she was bipolar, in the middle of a heated row!
Ha, that actually made me laugh, because obviously he loves her, but doesn't know her for as long as I have known her, she can be a bit too hot to handle at times, but I guess, if you really love her, you stick with her and realise the good times make the bad times worth sticking around for.