Feeling like I don't fit in anywhere

LegacyUser

Well to cut a long story short, I was born here in Ireland and have lived here all my life. Both my parents were born here, but my grandmother's parents were from another European country. Strangely, I ended up with pretty tanned skin, pretty weird since all my cousins are pale and freckly, but I guess I just take after my grandmother. I personally have never considered myself anything but white and Irish - I have visited the country my granny's parents came from only once, and have met a few distant relatives, but did not grow up knowing them or speaking their language (learnt it in school later). I really don't consider myself that ethnicity, since I am unable to even talk to my relatives there that easily and have no idea about the culture and so on. I feel like a tourist there, like any other country in Europe.

So it was all grand until I moved up to Dublin for college last year. Then it started. Every person I meet asks where I'm from, etc, and some ignorant souls even have the cheek to tell me I can't possibly be Irish, which I find deeply offensive. At first I didn't mind it too much, I suppose I do look quite foreign, but now I am sick to death of the constant questions. I feel like people just look at me and think 'foreign girl' - which they probably do, given what people say. I get treated differently even. Back in my hometown nobody gave a second thought to my appearance, since they knew my parents and all, but here I feel like it's all anyone can focus on?! Believe me, I'm no moaning minnie and I try to shrug it off, but every time I convince myself that people see me as Irish, someone makes a comment about me looking foreign which really upsets me. Some guy randomly shoved me in the street last week - I assumed he was just a nutter, but my friend was like, "oh maybe it was cos he thought you were foreign", so now I know it's not just in my head. What IS the big deal? If I see a black guy with an Irish accent, I just assume he's Irish, I don't start with a barrage of questions because it's RUDE. It's just rude to question complete strangers about their background and make assumptions about them - why did most of Dublin not get the memo?

One of my friends at college is of Chinese origin, and she gets the same thing all the time, only her parents are actually from Hong Kong and she speaks the language, and identifies with the culture. It wouldn't bother me if that were the case with me, but it isn't. I'm NOT from another culture, I'm Irish. I feel like I don't fit in ANYWHERE. I go to the other country, and while I fit in lookswise, I speak with such an accent that everyone knows I'm not from there either, and treat me like a tourist. I am so, so jealous of people who are actually accepted somewhere as a local. I still consider myself totally Irish, but it's obvious that even my friends here don't consider me to be, since they bring up my foreign looks so easily, all the time. It's like people are incapable of looking past your skin colour or something (and it's not like I'm black! Just tanned!) I honestly just wish I could make my skin pasty white like my brother's and I think I would have it a lot easier. Is anyone else in the same boat or understands me?

CathyMoran

My great grandmother is German, we get called Swedish, German etc, a lot of people do not think that I am Irish but I am - I am proud of my roots but am also proud of being Irish...I can relate though. It may explain why a lot of my friends are either from other countries or are of mixed origin like us. Be proud and ignore the critics - they are just jelous.

Rabies

Yup, same here.

Tanned skin, black hair, dark brown eyes. Often mistaken for Spanish. Parents are Irish, only myself, my little sister and a one or two of our cousins have the darker looks.
Same as you, my parents would be well known and therefore so am I. No one bats an eye lid in my home town

When I'm working in Dublin some site managers or clients will ask if I'm Irish or maybe mention they thought I was from somewhere else. Happens when I'm in a different country too, just not your stereo typical looking Irishman.

I'm 26 now, have grown up with it. Sometimes it can get a bit annoying. Doesn't bother me now as much as it did when I was growing up.

Although, It does have its benifits, girls love my tan and eyes

Trinity

My 6 year old is having trouble accepting his colouring since he was 4. Its heartbreaking.

He is the only one in the family with dark skin and brown eyes, the rest are your typical blonde haired blue eyed kids, even myself when i was younger. He hates being as he put it the odd one out.

But there is absolutely nothing i can do about that. He father is mixed race, was born and raised in Ireland unfortunately my son doesnt even have him for support as he doesnt see him.

All i tell my son is that he is special. i tell him about the girls dong sun beds and putting on false tan because they would love a colour like his. I even put false tan on myself!!

He has looks to die for and will be a little heartbreaker when hes older. All i can do at the moment is reinforce the notion that he is who he is no matter what colour his skin is and anyone that judges him based on that is not worth his time.

I died my hair dark many years ago and often have people coming up to me speaking italian etc thinking i am from abroad but it never bothered me. i quite like the exotic look LOL

Sangre

I don't anyone has ever guessed me for being Irish, especially with any bit of sun going around. Funny thing is we're all Irish as far back as I can trace (except the odd postman).

People used to talk to me really slowly when I worked Dunnes, Cornelscourt. If I asked someone to repeat themselves because its noisy, they would roll their eyes and start talking very loud and slowly while gesturing. I'd just ask them if they were alright there, quite funny embarrassing them.

One woman in particular was hilarious, after talking to her for 5 minutes about the weather she then asked me if I was 'espanol or italiano?'. I told her I lived up the road and walk to work, she then quizzed me on my heritage. Finally after I conviced I was Irish, she pointed out that 'I must spend a lot of time in the sun'....heh.

I think its funny how people assume I couldn't be Irish. I like being able to not wear sun cream every time the clouds part.

In fairness, most girls slobber themselves in fake tan for your look. Just be grateful you look like they want to.

You're making such a non-isse out of this its not funny. When people ask where you're from they're not being noisy and rude, they're just trying to be friendly and strike up a conversation, hoping they can find a common link.
I think our generation is the last ones who will get this, by the time kids our my age they'll be enough non-whites with Irish accents that people will stop asking.

the_syco

Meh. Due to a loss in hearing, I drop my "r"'s and people assume that I'm either from Germany:D, some nordic country:D, or England:mad: It used to offend me, but now I just say "guess" when they ask me where I'm from.

As for those who assume your not Irish, f**ck 'em. Half of them will be trying to bed ye when your out on the dancefloor, no doubt.

BrenC

Don't worry, Just shrug it off really, theres nothing you can do about it really. My friend is Irish, irish parents and grandparents and shegot confused for a spaniard before because of her skin. You're not the only one, the best I think you can do is accept it and move on maybe?

dr.bollocko

You know who you are.
Your identity is not hidden at all to you.
It doesn't matter what other people think, because what they think is no match for what you know.
You are feircely proud of your culture, and that will stand to you when it matters.

Rabies

Trinity1 wrote:

My 6 year old is having trouble accepting his colouring since he was 4. Its heartbreaking.

He is the only one in the family with dark skin and brown eyes, the rest are your typical blonde haired blue eyed kids, even myself when i was younger. He hates being as he put it the odd one out.

I remember going through that stage. Don't worry, it doesn't last.

Trinity

Rabies wrote:

I remember going through that stage. Don't worry, it doesn't last.

Thanks for that.

He is beautiful and since he was a new born people have stopped me to say he was stunning. Hopefully when he gets older he will believe it.

Victor

I was the only one with brown eyes in a family of 7 blue eyed children. I was convinced at times that I was adopted. As I grew older, my eyes have changed colour to multi-coloured.

I think if people ask where you are from, say "Leitrim".

Trinity

Victor wrote:

I was the only one with brown eyes in a family of 7 blue eyed children. I was convinced at times that I was adopted. As I grew older, my eyes have changed colour to multi-coloured.

I think if people ask where you are from, say "Leitrim".

I'd give anything to have brown eyes in fact i have considered coloured contact lenses. Yet my son would give anything to have my blue eyes, he often asked if we could swap!

I think there are not many of us entirely happy with ourselves, even supermodels have complaints about themselves. As long as you are comfortable in your own skin dont worry about what anyone else thinks OP.

Sad Professor

SickOfIt:

Alot of people are just morons, don't let them bother you. Anyone who treats you differently or sees you as "foreign" just because of your appearance is obviously an ignorant fool with a dim view of the world. Such people are dim a dozen in this country.

But if people (your friends included) keep making reference to it don't be afraid to tell them to shut up/f**k off, etc

Different is good. Be proud of who you are, forget those fools!

Sangre

Sad Professor wrote:

SickOfIt:

Alot of people are just morons, don't let them bother you. Anyone who treats you differently or sees you as "foreign" just because of your appearance is obviously an ignorant fool with a dim view of the world. Such people are dim a dozen in this country.

Its a pretty logical assumption in Ireland.

Trinity

It is perhaps a logical assumption that someone is not Irish when they have exotic appearances.

However after you have told them you are irish that should be it. you are irish. You should not have to go through your family tree only to be then told you cannot possibly be irish due to your appearance. That is ignorance.

Rabies

Trinity1 wrote:

That is ignorance.

That is Irishness, and it is a pity.

monkey tennis

SickOfIt wrote:

Every person I meet asks where I'm from, etc, and some ignorant souls even have the cheek to tell me I can't possibly be Irish, which I find deeply offensive.

I get it all the time (also Irish as far back as genealogy will go), except I take it as a compliment when people don't think I'm Irish.

Trinity

Rabies wrote:

That is Irishness, and it is a pity.

I know and i am guilty of it too unfortunately.

When i first met my sons father i asked him where he was from. He said Dublin. I said no but where are you from. He said Dublin! I said no but before Dublin where were you born!! He said Dublin!

He was mixed race and this was a few years ago now and i just didnt cop on that he was irish cos he had dark skin. Now i look at my own son and i know hes bloody irish!!

Sangre

Irish people are inquistive and conversational. I never take it as being rude, I always take it as people being friendly and wanting a chat. It'll decline as more and more people have 'foreign' children here.

Using looks is like using the weather, it something everyone can relate to.

Black Swan

From an old Gaillimh clan, but tan pretty grand. Dark brunette with java eyes. Must of been a seagoing Norman that traded more than just goods in my background? If someone says something unpleasant about my background after a summer's tanning, I have this pointy pink tongue that might suddenly come out to blow raspberries at them. Suggest you do the same.

Hub

I used to get this ALL the time during the summer. I worked in a bar and almost every weekend I would get people asking if I was french or spanish, australian etc. Even some full time workers there before they heard me speek assumed I was a foreigner. Some customers would speek in a really patronizing way until they heard my accent and by their face you could see they were really embarrassed.

To be honest I took it as a bit of a complement.

Our family is 100% irish.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. TBH, if it WAS only ignorant assholes, although upsetting, I could just ignore it. But it's people who should know better - lecturers, students and even my friends. I don't think 95% of them are trying to be malicious - I just think they have no idea of how it feels to be constantly seen as someone who doesn't belong. I see my friends as people - sure one of them looks Chinese, but I never think of her as not being Irish. She talks like an Irish person, she speaks Irish. I really don't notice anymore that she has darker skin and an exotic appearance. Why can't my friends see me like this? I was just talking to my friend yesterday and was saying I fancied this guy in our lecture who's really blond and blue eyed and she was all "on youse would be opposites, cos you're so dark and all." WTF? Give it a rest! The other day I had someone I didn't know ask "why are you so brown?" I turned around and said, "why are you so white?" and she copped on then and got really embarrassed. It's a rude question to ask a stranger, and especially in that bitchy, condescending tone of voice.

Another thing that really bothers me is the lads here just aren't interested. I get the odd one in a club come up to me and ask where I'm from who's disappointed to find out I'm not Spanish or something, but guys on my course etc don't seem to fancy me at all. I feel like they'd rather go out with 'real Irish' girls, backed up by things they say. People don't seem to consider my kind of look attractive, and there's hardly a lot I can do about it I'm not tooting my own horn, but in my hometown people are always telling me I'm really pretty, and when I go abroad in Europe the guys are all over me, so I don't think I'm ugly. It's kind of depressing since I can't change the colour of my skin.

I find the people particularly light skinned and freckly down here. I'm from the North, and am tanned due to being part Italian, but there were a good few people in my class in school who were as tanned as me or darker, and as far as I know they were nothing but Irish. So nobody ever thought I was foreign there - it was normal to be darker skinned. Even the pale skinned people usually had black hair and dark eyes. I'm not sure why that was exactly. But I've met people in Trinity from places like Kerry and Galway who were very dark skinned as well, so it's totally silly to assume anyone who isn't pale and freckly isn't Irish.

The 'where are you REALLY from' question bugs the hell out of me - tis very rude and I want to tell people where to go when they ask me. Maybe it's because I was brought up in England where there are loads of people from different backgrounds born there, but when I see a black person I don't automatically assume they're from Africa, since most I met in Manchester were born and bred in Manchester! I assume it will be the same in Dublin in a few years.

Trinity1 I see mothers with mixed races kids all the time around town so I'd say it's fairly common now and your son shouldn't be the only one in school or whatever. Things have really changed now with the immigration from Eastern Europe and that - in my cousins' school they're in the minority having been born in Ireland, even.

Sad Professor

SickOfIt wrote:

The other day I had someone I didn't know ask "why are you so brown?" I turned around and said, "why are you so white?" and she copped on then and got really embarrassed. It's a rude question to ask a stranger, and especially in that bitchy, condescending tone of voice.

lol. Good answer.

SickOfIt wrote:

I was just talking to my friend yesterday and was saying I fancied this guy in our lecture who's really blond and blue eyed and she was all "on youse would be opposites, cos you're so dark and all." WTF? Give it a rest!

I know they are your friends (and they probably don't mean any harm) but if they keep making reference to it you should set them straight. Friends or no it's ignorant and rude behavior. They should know better.

SickOfIt wrote:

It's kind of depressing since I can't change the colour of my skin.

Nor should you want to. It's not you who needs to change, it's them.

b3t4

SickOfIt wrote:

I get the odd one in a club come up to me and ask where I'm from who's disappointed to find out I'm not Spanish or something,

I get the exact same thing. I too find it very annoying and frustrating. They often begin to move further away as you weren't what they expected. I mean if I looked nice enough to talk to in the first place why does it matter where I come from. It also gives me the impression that they wouldn't have talked to me at all if they knew I was Irish.

To be honest I've no idea where people get there ideas from as I don't have very dark features. My skin is pale out and I barely get a hint of a colour when the sun is out. I was in the Caribbean this summer and I managed to get a slight colour and my friend was amazed. I'm thinking my curly hair is confusing them. Oh and I meant to say my family is Irish right back as far as I've cared to look.

I've been told I look Spanish (because I laughed in a comedy gig, I mean seriously?), Italian (by an Italian guy) and the new one is polish or eastern european or plain and simple 'foreign'. Also one german guy told me I just don't look Irish.

I find that this is a problem mainly in Dublin. When I go home to Cork I don't have to put up with this nonsense.

OP, I'm afraid there's probably nought that we can do about this but try and be pleasant. I'd think you lucky to have darker skin sure you've a permanent tan.

A.

monkey tennis

b3t4 wrote:

if I looked nice enough to talk to in the first place why does it matter where I come from

Novelty. Most people are guilty of this to some degree.

Trinity

Ernesto Ripe Taster, no there are kids in my sons school from different nationalities, its more within the family he feels the odd one out.

There are no other mixed race cousins etc in the immediate or extended family. His father was adopted so he is only blood relative on his side (although he doesnt see his father or his family - their choice not mine)

But thanks anyway i am sure he will grow out of it.

Sangre

If this bothers you this much you really need thicker skin.

Daithio

If somebody looks different it is a logical assumption to assume that they are not Irish. I usually wouldn't ask until I've heard their accent, that's a pretty surefire way to tell if somebody is Irish or not. Even so, if a foreign looking person did have an Irish accent I'd often be interested to know where their family came from originally, but I'd never ask unless I got to know them beforehand.

OP, I don't think you should be offended by it, unless people are asking you in a derogatory way. It's just curiosity, and it's something you'll have to get used to.

LegacyUser

If this bothers you this much you really need thicker skin.

I need thicker skin? You obviously don't know what it's like. Maybe you DON'T look foreign, really. This is taking over my whole life, and not because I want it to. I am a VERY thick skinned person, believe me. I've been through a good bit, I can take insults and whatever. But I can't take constantly being judged, day in day out and looked at as something I'm not, having to explain myself all the time. At first it was just tiresome, now it's really wearing on my self esteem. The worst part is, I no longer feel at all safe walking around at night, so it's affecting my life. The last 3 times I've gone to the cinema I've had hassle from men on the way back, so I've decided I'm just not going to go out anymore unless there's someone to walk with me, which is difficult since all my mates live on the other side of town. And no, it's not just random - they always make reference to me being foreign and the last guy got really abusive when I wouldn't give him my number. Why the hell should I have to put up with that ****?

As I was saying before, I really want a boyfriend but I never meet any Irish guy who is interested. At this stage I'd take almost anyone because I'm so tired of being single. My family never understand it (they're all Irish looking) and they're always asking why I never have a boyfriend. I worked abroad in the summer and the guys were shocked to find out I didn't have a boyfriend because "I'm so pretty". I went out with 3 guys while studying abroad - I've never been out with anyone here. When I'm abroad it's hilarious that people assume I must be fighting off the guys when in reality, I'd be ecstatic if someone gave me a second look, well someone who wasn't a middle aged perv looking for foreign bimbos with no English, which is all I seem to attract around here.

I've decided to do my Masters abroad, and probably will stay there afterwards. I just do not feel comfortable in Dublin, and love going elsewhere so I can walk around without people judging me 24/7, and discriminating against me. It's not normal. I mean, I understand assuming someone is not Irish if they look foreign - that's logical and we all do it. But I sound as Irish as anyone, and it's the fact people STILL question it is what does my head in. I've never met a Spaniard, Italian, Romanian or Pakistani with a country accent. People are incapable of seeing past the colour of my skin, even after hearing me talk, which is pathetic, and racist. It's pretty sad that it's easier for me to live in another country without my family, dealing with everything in a foreign language - but it is. If they invent a pill to take that makes your skin white, I'll come back. That is seriously how I have been made to feel here.

Blogghead101

Its sad to read how difficult it is to be accepted as a "true Irish" because of the colour of your skin...Its the society as a whole that is to blame, that is the way the society(in general) view people with different skin colour or facial look….hardly accepted anywhere irrespective of if you were born or raised in Ireland…
Is it racist??? Maybe, maybe not, but its sure damn ignorant!!!!!!!!!!!