what to do with this girl

helpme

ok this could turn into a long post so please bear with me.

I met this girl about 8 months ago and we really hit it off.she was 25 now 26 with a 5 year old son. she has a super career and is so well brought up. so gourgeous that everytime i seen her my heart missed a beat. She was out of a very controlling and cruel long distance relationship where her ex would call her names and controll her.give her ultimatumes. Ie if she didtn move down to him and leave her son behind he was going to dump her.

So anyway i asked her out and she agreed and we got on great and started seeing eachother. Her parent and firends love me to bits and we all got on great. same with my side. everyone loved her. We went to weddings together and spent nearly all our free time together, the three of us. then she split up with me saying that she was still not over ex. that was 4 months ago. We still txted and got on great. i met her for her birthday last week(at a party) and bought her a superb present.

she started crying in the car when i gave it to her. we hugd adn held hands. i also had another suprise for her. i held a huge fireworks display for her. nobody but me and her knew what it was for. when i was finished she was crying again and her friend where tring to help her. her friends want us together and where trying to tell her that i loved her and we would be perfect together. anyway... she called me over and all her friends went back inside. she huged me and told me she wanted to be single and didnt want a relationship and she couldnt just be with me for the sake of it because i ment more to her that that. she told me i was special and she was so lucky to have met me. i left after about 20 minuted of hugs and crying.

then she text me the next day thanking me for the present and told me i would be better off moving on. so last night i decided to tell her i was moving on. she seemed to get very angry about this and very defencive, saying that "ok whatever you think is best " fair enough" "i dont care and i dont need this" and stuff like that.

she doesnt seem to be happy about it at all. do i stick to my guns and or do i cave in and continue trying to get back with her

please help me

i love her

MW

Ok you may be the nicest fella on the planet!!! But seriously she probably doesn't want a relationship right now after coming out of a bad one, the thing is every girl wants attention even if she doesn't want to be with you. She probably thinks she'll always have you to fall back on if she doesn't like the single life, I know that sounds harsh but it seems to be whats happening here. Sometimes it's when a guy moves on that we realise how much we like them, but we can't have them anymore, she probably expected you to put up more of a fight. But let her see you with someone else, don't rub it in or anything just show her that you can move on too. Dunno if all that makes sense but you get the gist.

Talliesin

Neither.

"Sticking to your guns" is making this a contest. The problem is that she's making it a contest (if she'd just wanted to break up, then you wouldn't have gotten those responses when you said "okay"), don't you start the same crap.

It seems she wanted some sort of demonstration of love from you, but unfortunately she's not realising that the present and a ****ing fireworks display just for her FFS! were demonstrations of that.

Her last relationship was based around pissing about, breaking up and getting back together, mind-games, insults and ultimatums. Quite possibly the same was true in previous relationships.

You've confused the hell out of her by not being a total asshole. People don't react will to being confused, even if what's confusing them is a good thing.

Now, you could "stick to your guns" and either never see her again or else have her come back to you but playing out the same dramas that made the last relationship bad.

You could start being a bastard to her. This will quite likely get her back, but again you're into the same mess that she was in before.

You could beg her to come back, be a doormat and let her take on the bastard role.

Of you could contact her, tell her you want to be with her, that you were hurt when she said she wanted to end it, but that you want to be with her because she wants that too and you aren't going to pervert how you feel for her by trying to force yourself upon her if she genuinely doesn't want you there.

If that works you're going to have to talk with her about how you feel, how she feels, and what you both expect in a relationship. It's likely to need a lot of work from both of you and this is unlikely to be the last time that this causes a painful event between the two of you. It's not going to be easy, but it might be worth it.

LegacyUser

she seems like she is very confused. One minute she is telling you to move on but when you say you are she reacts badly to it. I think you need to give her some space, let her think about it a little, perhaps dont contact her for a week and then maybe suggest meeting up to clear things up. I think she is unsure as to what she wants and maybe a little time apart will help her think about it.Previous relationships have obviously hurt her very much but it seems like she does want to move on from that.

Chinafoot

helpme wrote:

i met her for her birthday last week(at a party)

...

then she text me the next day thanking me for the present and told me i would be better off moving on. so last night i decided to tell her i was moving on. she seemed to get very angry about this and very defencive, saying that "ok whatever you think is best " fair enough" "i dont care and i dont need this" and stuff like that.

Ok so the party and her telling you to move on happened a week ago. Yesterday you send her a message saying that you are going to move on. Had you been speaking during the week at all?

Maybe she felt like you didn't need to tell her a week later that you were going to do what she had already asked you to do? Maybe you caught her at a bad time? Maybe she has a lot going on at the moment and cant handle the fact that you obviously have very strong feelings towards her while she doesn't want a relationship right now?

Maybe she's embarrassed about all the effort you went to for her. She could be feeling guilty that she can't return your feelings but maybe she doesn't want the situation being dragged out by you.

You mention the friends and family a lot and about how they all think you're perfect together...that's completely irrelevant tbh. Family and friends aren't the ones that are going to be in the relationship and if her hearts not in it then theres nothing you can do.

I'd say give her some space. Don't cut off all contact or anything but don't keep trying to get back your relationship. After everything you did for her on her birthday she still told you that she wanted to be single. Respect her for her honesty and try to move on.

Unrequited love sucks but such is life I'm afraid.

Mojito

Leave her alone.

The Walsho

Mojito wrote:

Leave her alone.

I think this would be a lot more difficult than it sounds, as the OP says he loves this girl. Even though she said she didn't want a relationship, that doesn't mean she doesn't want to be wanted.

SmoothyG

Hey, Sorry to hear about your situation. I was in a similar one my self. An Ex of mine had just come out of an abusive relationship, Me being a nice guy, tried in everyway to be sympathetic to this, but we had lots of problems spilling over.
In conclusion, her love for me was marred by me not being an asshole and her really needing to dish out some pain from her last relationship.
I couldnt take being held accountable for the mistakes of her ex, so i left. Fecking hardest thing i ever had to do in my life.

My advise is to sit her down, explain that she needs time to get over what has happened with her ex, go through the period of blamming her self, go through hating him, and come out the otherside stronger and better off.
at the moment she is using u like an emotional punching bag. (as was i)
she probably doesnt realise it.

Take a chill out, let her be more with her friends, bring it back to a dating level, see her every fortnight for dinner. what you will be doing is letting her build her life back up, she will need it if she is to share her life with you in the future.

Its a tough road ahead, Good luck and stay strong,

OwenM

leave her alone, your better off out of it. Don't build hope based on what her friends think is good for. My experience has shown that their opinion will have as much impact as Victoria Beckham on a butcher shop...

helpme

thanks for everones comments. i will take them all on board and let you know how i get on. thanks again

Black Swan

helpme wrote:

i love her

This was the most important thing you shared in your long post. You should see her for a nice, long lunch, someplace kinda private, maybe a booth, not dinner or drinks (no work conflicts either). Then share with her what you have shared with us in the post. Especially those three words, and that if she needs space, you will be patient and not pressure her, but be there whenever she needs you as a true friend. And if she wants something more than a true friend someday, you will be there for her, too.

Laslo

The relationship's tainted and she's holding the cards. It sounds like she's tainted by previous relationships also. I've been there a few times at this stage. It's not worth it at all. Find someone who'll reciprocate your affections. Why settle for second best?

cournioni

She is being very selfish, she really isn't thinking about anybody but herself here and is confusing the hell out of you in the process. Ask her to make her feelings clear, what does she really want? If she can't give you an answer, then just leave her to it and make her do some of the chasing for a change.

It may be tough as you clearly like/love the girl but if she isn't willing to put in the amount of work you are putting in, then she is not worth it.

Chinafoot

PORNAPSTER wrote:

She is being very selfish, she really isn't thinking about anybody but herself here and is confusing the hell out of you in the process. Ask her to make her feelings clear, what does she really want? If she can't give you an answer, then just leave her to it and make her do some of the chasing for a change.

It may be tough as you clearly like/love the girl but if she isn't willing to put in the amount of work you are putting in, then she is not worth it.

In fairness, the girl told him openly that she didn't want a relationship. Chances are she thought that was the end of it and then he sent her a text bringing the situation back up again a week later. Even in her text messages "I don't care and I don't need this" she seems to be telling him to let it lie rather than sending mixed signals of "oh no please don't! i want you to keep chasing me."

The OP needs to take a step back and see the situation for what it is. She has told him that she doesn't want a relationship. If he continues to push things with her then he'll lose whatever friendship they have as well.