Some Poems (C&C appriciated)

MagnumForce

Start off with a bit of a dark one:

Nightmares

The grotesque bane clad in his steel,
Eating time, churning the wheel,
And I upon the rack, I feel,
That nothing is forever real.

Time itself, it can never tell,
The horrors of the burning hell,
And when dragged, limp, back to my cell,
I cannot stir from where I fell.

My eye caught on a needle thread,
Or brilliant light, piercing red,
And to this light my heart is wed,
But my body lies here numb and dead.

And back to the torture I am sent,
By creatures burnt with faces rent.
With bodies torn and strained backs bent,
Away to the waiting chaos went.

A bit of a lighter hearted one when I was in a better mood:

Oneiric Verse

I came across a World,
Whilst Dancing in the dawn,
And realised as't unfurled,
It had been there all along.

The last Star shone Symphonic,
And Faeries sang the Tune,
And all around a Sonic,
Feeling Held the Moon.

A Golden whistled Bird,
Sat gently on my hand,
As I Danced to Music unheard,
By those Confined to Land.

On returning from the Dream,
I felt a Curious pull,
But despite of this, the Seam,
Remained Intact and Full.

And one for posterity...

I Will Be There...

For the days when you fight to rise,
And struggle to open tender eyes,
For the days when fear steals your heart,
And it seems your world will fall apart,
For the times when it seems that you're alone,
And you need to find your way home,
For the times when it seems tough,
And you feel you've finally had enough,
For the times you need a hand,
Or a shoulder or a leg on which to stand,
For any time you need support,
Or if for any reason you feel hurt,
I will be there.

Any thought would be greatly appreciated. I notice no one really gives their thoughts on poems in this forum, most threads only have 1 or 2 replies unfortunatly. So come on people, you can say anything you like, this is a public forum! don't be scared now...

Matt Holck

rythem is good
ideas executed clearly
no strong memories
leg took me by surprise

Call Me Jimmy

Overall, I would say that I positively did not enjoy these pieces, for beauty; as they say, doth be in the eye of thine byholder. A rose. Falls. Heathens! Stop! Aghast

MagnumForce

MagnumForce wrote:

Start off with a bit of a dark one:

My eye caught on a needle thread,
Or brilliant light, piercing red...

This is meant to say:

My eye caught on a needle thread,
Of brilliant light, piercing red...

sorry bout that.

And Jimmy, why didn't you like them? and why so strongly so might I ask?

Call Me Jimmy

MagnumForce wrote:

This is meant to say:

My eye caught on a needle thread,
Of brilliant light, piercing red...

sorry bout that.

And Jimmy, why didn't you like them? and why so strongly so might I ask?

tbh my main gripe was with the first one, I just wasn't feeling it. Although since you changed that line it is growing on me

dr.bollocko

MagnumForce wrote:

This is meant to say:

My eye caught on a needle thread,
Of brilliant light, piercing red...

sorry bout that.

And Jimmy, why didn't you like them? and why so strongly so might I ask?

That line you changed there. Even before you changed, its the only line that ruins the pentameter, rhythm of the poem. Its missing a syllable.
My eye caught on a needle thread,
Of brilliant light, of piercing red.

Obviously not that word, the of is just the missing beat. Alternatively you could restrict the first line, removing the "my".
That said its well put together poetically. I mean you can write with restriction, keep to a beat and rhyme. These are important and I definitely think that you should keep writing.
However. Oneiric Verse reads like a Keats fan got drunk, its just too... i dunno. when u used the word faeries. that bothered me. and as't? Those are not words you would use. write like you would write. But keep the rhythm.
Someone good once said to me that restricting your form can really help you with the content. If you write some more sonnets, really restrict the format with rhyme, and see if you can write about how you feel.
Look at your last poem. In terms of the rhythm and rhyme its the weakest. It doesnt scan. But what you have there lyrically is something other people can relate to. try and fit that into a tighter rhyme and rhythm, lose the "for the" repitition. Repitition is a great tool if you want to emphasise something. I think its really good but muddled where it needs to be tight, and theres no content where you have the format done well.

MagnumForce

dr.bollocko wrote:

That line you changed there. Even before you changed, its the only line that ruins the pentameter, rhythm of the poem. Its missing a syllable.
My eye caught on a needle thread,
Of brilliant light,of piercing red.

Its Iambic Tetrameter, four syllables. And it fits perfectly:

My eye caught on a needle thread,
Of brilliant light, piercing red.

See, four emphasised syllables per line. Fits perfectly

dr.bollocko wrote:

However. Oneiric Verse reads like a Keats fan got drunk, its just too... i dunno. when u used the word faeries. that bothered me. and as't? Those are not words you would use. write like you would write.

It was kind of an Emily Dickinson inspired poem, so that explains the "as't" and the spelling of "faeries"

Thanks for the compliments though. I got loads of different styles of poems, if you want to read any others to compare them with these then feel free to have a look here. Theyre all there, my newer ones are more free verse-ish, i stopped writing for about a year and a half, just started again.

dr.bollocko

I dunno. the comma doesnt allow you the pause you want for the pentameter when you are reading it. try a -

MagnumForce

dr.bollocko wrote:

I dunno. the comma doesnt allow you the pause you want for the pentameter when you are reading it. try a -

Once again, it's Iambic Tetrameter. i.e each line consists of four iambs, an iamb refers to an unstressed syllable followed by a stressed syllable:

da DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM

Penta = five

Tetra = four

and the pause is very slight, as you suggested there should be an "of" where the comma is but i didn't want to use it twice in the same line, so i used the comma, the comma should be read as the unstressed syllable before "piercing". Ill have to have a think about replacing it with a "-", ill have to write it out and see which looks better.

Thanks for taking interest though!

dr.bollocko

its PIERCE

MagnumForce

dr.bollocko wrote:

its PIERCE

oh no, the spelling police will be after me now!

I better change it before they track me down, burst into my house and arrest me for breaking the "I before E except after C" legislation!

^^That better for you?!^^

hmm, it seems Firefox 2 has a built in spell checker, thats handy! And will be useful tool in the fight against misspelling crimes.

dr.bollocko

:-)