I give off the wrong impression

LegacyUser

I don't really know what i want to get from posting this here but i think i need to get it off my chest.

Basically I am having no luck with men. I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years at the begining of the year as i final realised that he was no good for me.

I let guys walk all over me. I let my ex do it for 3 years. He cheated on, gave me an STD, made me feel horrible about myself and yet i still took him back everytime. I took me almost a year and a half to pluck up the courage to stand up to him and say enough is enough.

Since then things have got no better. Maybe i have the "slut" look about me but any guys that i've been interested in have only wanted one thing and as soon as they get it they are gone.

Maybe I'm going for the wrong type of guys? Maybe its my behaviour that they think i'm a slut. Basically its the impression i give i think thats the cause of it.

I don't know how to change this, it's not like im running around asking people for sex or anything.

I think it has a lot to do with my confidence, i'm told i'm a good looking girl etc etc. When any guy shows any kind of interest in me i go weak at the knees and will do anything to keep them interested but it only drives them away.

Help!

LegacyUser

Maybe I'm going for the wrong type of guys? Maybe its my behaviour that they think i'm a slut. Basically its the impression i give i think thats the cause of it.

I don't know how to change this, it's not like im running around asking people for sex or anything.

maybe you need to stop treating men as potential partners, and see them as friends first, if you're attracted to them sure, flirt, but at the same time maybe you should concentrate on genuinely wanted to get to know the guy rather than 'wanting to get to know the guy in the hope of persuing a relationship'

I think it has a lot to do with my confidence, i'm told i'm a good looking girl etc etc. When any guy shows any kind of interest in me i go weak at the knees and will do anything to keep them interested but it only drives them away.

i don't want to be harsh but it sound like you're so desperate for a relationship that you're coming on too strong, isn't the best part of a relationship getting to know the other person, take pleasure in the journey rather than focusing on the destination, you shouldn't have to 'keep them interested' if a guy likes you he likes you for you, maybe the reason you're driving then away is because youre changing yourself to fit in with what you think he thinks is interesting, and by doing this youre not being yourself which is what he was interested in in the first place...if you know what i mean
but then again what do i know......

MojoMaker

Maybe you unconciously push away the decent lads because you stick up barriers and assume nobody decent could be interested in you. You've got to go out on a limb here at some stage, listen to head and heart and all the little signs and don't be so quick to dismiss a genuine suitor just because he doesn't display the classic bad boy signs you've unconsciously conditioned yourself to look for at this stage.

phantom_lord

WrongImpression wrote:

When any guy shows any kind of interest in me i go weak at the knees and will do anything to keep them interested but it only drives them away.

Help!

Yeah you really shouldn't do that, it's a pretty big turn off for whatever reason. But don't go to the other exteme, and start ignoring them or something.

watna

We've all been there, had exes that walked all over us. I had a terrible time with mine. I thought all men were horrible and after one thing. What I did, and this worked so well for me. I was single for a year. By single I mean no guys at all... nothing. I had the best time. Out all the time with my friends, loads of time to do things I always wanted to. I think I really needed that time by myself to gain confidence and like myself more. After a while finding a man stopped being important.

When you're not looking that's when you find someone! I've been with my boyfriend for two months now and it's going great. He told me that one thing he really liked about me was that I was so together and stable and I fully attribute this to my year of no men!

Kell

WrongImpression wrote:

I think it has a lot to do with my confidence, i'm told i'm a good looking girl etc etc. When any guy shows any kind of interest in me i go weak at the knees and will do anything to keep them interested but it only drives them away

Sounds like you are quite afraid of being alone. Any idea where this may have stemmed from? Forget landing blokes for the time being and give some consideration to what buckled your confidence.

Loads will argue with me, but you know, you dont actually "need" anyone special in your life. Yes its nice- company, regular sex, a shoulder to cry on and endless tea and chats; but if you can learn to depend on yourself (save for the sex), your confidence will improve in leaps and bounds. Time out from worrying about stupid stuff like men sounds like it could be in order along with a large helping of "what do I actually want".

And if you do want to land a bloke, give them reasonable berth. No one likes clingy girls.

K-

cisco

Speaking from a guys point of view most will try anything to get you in the sack whether its compliments ,flattery we try everything. if you give in all the time you are a slut.you dont sound like one. to be honest i didnt think there was any girls left out there like you. Theres obviously something a bit special about you from the things you say. your very vunerable and just want someone to take care of you. ok so uv been used in the past but dont let this change the person you are thats what makes you special. Trust me you wil meet someone who wil respect you and treat you the way you deserve to be treated ....you just got to kiss the frogs first before you get the prince or sumtin like that;)

Talliesin

For the most part the advice about not going looking I'll agree with. There's more I'd add though:

WrongImpression wrote:

Maybe i have the "slut" look about me

WrongImpression wrote:

Maybe its my behaviour that they think i'm a slut.

WrongImpression wrote:

When any guy shows any kind of interest in me i go weak at the knees and will do anything to keep them interested but it only drives them away.

If anything, you don't seem enough like a slut!

(Ignore my signature and the current running theme amongst some boardsies about that word, I'm being serious, though this isn't completely unconnected to the point of that theme).

If you seemed like a slut you would seem like someone who wanted to have sex and to hell with the rest. If this was not only how you seemed, but how you actually were, you could then happily go out and find people of like mind, screw each others brains out, and enjoy yourself.

Now, if someone was looking for such a person, they'd run from anyone who seemed to go weak at the knees. They're looking for someone that'll go weak elsewhere!

Similarly however, anyone looking to date someone with a view to building up a relationship should they seem suited will also run from anyone who seemed to go weak at the knees. They're looking for someone serious, not someone who'll fall into their laps moaning, "Oh Mr. Darcy, I am undone", convince themselves they were in love, be looking to go house-hunting together while he was in the getting-to-know-you stages and for all they know go just as gushy over someone else before their third date with you.

No, you're problem isn't that they think you're a slut, it's that they think you're a doormat.

A decent man, whether he's looking for a serious romance or a single night of good sex, isn't going to want to be with a doormat. Bastards will be all over you like flies on ****e though. Be a bastard and doormats are the best you can get; whatever they want, the way they want it, without having to do much work on their end.

WrongImpression wrote:

I let guys walk all over me. I let my ex do it for 3 years. He cheated on, gave me an STD, made me feel horrible about myself and yet i still took him back everytime. I took me almost a year and a half to pluck up the courage to stand up to him and say enough is enough.

Questions:
1. Why did you keep taking him back? It's obvious he didn't just mess up, or make a mistake or engage in an indiscretion he later regretted if you took him back "everytime" rather than there being just the one or two times you realised you should dump him.

Answer that question. Don't answer it defensively; I know it can be hard, and I'm not blaming you, and really it's no skin of my nose either way. But answer that question honestly, at least to yourself, and possibly to us here if you so choose.

2. What gave you the "courage" you needed?

3. Why did you need "courage"? What were you afraid of? What are you afraid of now?

4. What do you have going for you outside of your romantic life? Are you happy with where you are in terms of career, friends, family, interests, whatever is important to you?

5. What do you expect a good relationship to do for you? What to you expect to have to do for that relationship?

6. What does sex mean to you? How do you think it should work in a relationship? Are you getting to the point where it is working as you think it should, or just fooling yourself?

cisco wrote:

Speaking from a guys point of view most will try anything to get you in the sack whether its compliments ,flattery we try everything.

Some men are attractive enough that people actually want to have sex with us.

cisco wrote:

if you give in all the time you are a slut

There's a clue there as to why you don't seem to be one of them.

cisco

Talliesin uv too many posts go and live in the real world

accensi0n

cisco wrote:

Talliesin uv too many posts go and live in the real world

It averages at just over 2 posts a day. Which would probablt take about 10 minutes out of each day. Nothing extreme there.

Don't personally attack people and also, stay on topic, there's someone who is looking for help here and its not good if she gets an aggressive vibe from the thread.

onemanband

accensi0n wrote:

It averages at just over 2 posts a day. Which would probablt take about 10 minutes out of each day. Nothing extreme there.

Don't personally attack people and also, stay on topic, there's someone who is looking for help here and its not good if she gets an aggressive vibe from the thread.

Lighten up accensi0n. He could just be taking the piss. Tallesin is having a particularly busy and productive day on boards today!!

Talliesin

I went off-topic first.

cisco annoyed me, but not by doing anything against the charter.

My bad, but we've all stopped addressing the OPs issue. Lets return to that before a PI mod has to tell us to.

onemanband

I meant to say lighten up cisco (not assensi0n). Sorry. Anyway back on topic!

Black Swan

WrongImpression wrote:

I think it has a lot to do with my confidence, i'm told i'm a good looking girl etc etc. When any guy shows any kind of interest in me i go weak at the knees and will do anything to keep them interested but it only drives them away.

Yes, you are giving out "desparate" signals, and the good guys will flee, leaving only the preditors. Sounds like you need a change in your life? Change of job? Change of residence? Change of where you hang out? Some kind of marked change, where you can draw a line in the sand and say, that was then, this is now. Can you vacation? The Continent? The UK? Someplace for a change? Then maybe think makeover? Go to a salon? Change you hair length, colour? Buy a new dress? Appearance and then attitude? Look out world, here I come!