How not to fall in love

LegacyUser

Have you ever fallen in love with someone you shouldn't have fallen in love with?

I am falling in love and I don't want to.

I'm 34 she's 30, we are both single, but I don't want to fall in love. But I want to keep seeing her.

What should I do?

Dinxminx

Why don't you want to fall in love? You obviously like her because you say you want to see her again. Are you afraid of falling in love with her?

Sorry, it's just it's all a bit vague... Maybe if you explain a bit more?

x

BeardyGit

WantNotLove wrote:

What should I do?

You're 34 so for starters I'd say you should grow up, decide what you want, and then try to follow through on your decision. You want to have your cake and eat it - Sadly life doesn't work that way for grown-ups. You know this so stop wasting your time and her time until you make up your mind.

Ruu_Old

You have to make a decision, simple as that really.

im_invisible

if you cant handle seeing her without falling in love, you gotta give yourself some space. if its because yor afraid of gettin hurt that you dont want to fall in love, fcukit, let it happen, id say.

if its because it was only ever meant to be a casual thing, on both your parts, either give yourself some space, or maybe end it, maybe not, by telling her you think your falling for her.



*this does not constitute, nor should be thought of as sound relationship advice

DirkVoodoo

You either love someone or you dont, its not really something you can control. If there is something there, dont keep it inside. If you are saying YOU don't want to, then it can't really be love. As someone wise once said "love is not selfish", if its about what you want then its not love.

Must resist temptation to quote brian fantana from anchorman.......

chamlis

How not to fall in love?
Remember that falling in love isn't something she's doing to you. She isn't casting a spell on you.
You're doing it to yourself. If you think about her every waking minute it's you who's doing it, not her. Snap out of it.

Otherwise fcs let it happen.

dudara

You really do need to tell us why you don't want to fall in love with this girl.

LegacyUser

it was meant to be a casual thing like between buddies and a relationship. But I can't stop thinking about her.

Why not love:
Wasn't looking for it
Too fast
She isn't my type
Inconvenience of long term romance

dudara

Why do you think that it's turning into more than just a casual relationship? Maybe it's meant to be this way. Love can strike at the weirdest times.

tbh

NotLove wrote:

it was meant to be a casual thing like between buddies and a relationship. But I can't stop thinking about her.

Why not love:
Wasn't looking for it

That always happens. Try looking for it! you'll never find it.

NotLove wrote:

Too fast

so slow it down

She isn't my type

and yet you can't stop thinking about her. time to redefine your type?

Inconvenience of long term romance

pretty poor reason. Stop seeing her if you don't want to see her.

Talliesin

NotLove wrote:

it was meant to be a casual thing like between buddies

When you start a relationship with the intention that it'll be serious you don't get guarantees that it will. What made you think there would be guarantees that this wouldn't?

NotLove wrote:

Wasn't looking for it

Tough. Love isn't something you order and then wait for 6-8 weeks for delivery.

NotLove wrote:

Too fast

You need to keep your brain working and do your best not to **** things up. Some of that will slow some things down, but mostly things will happen at a pace you have little control over.

NotLove wrote:

She isn't my type

She is, you've just got a disagreement between your idea of what your "type" is and reality.

NotLove wrote:

Inconvenience of long term romance

Life isn't convenient. Most attempts at making things more convenient follow the same pattern anyway - it's handy to just put it in the microwave for 70 seconds, but it's rather boring to the palette at best.

You got into a casual occasional-lovers situation and fell in love. This happens sometimes.

If she's also falling for you you've got the same odds at making it work as any other couple (though at least if you were just doing things for the sex then hopefully there won't be any concerns along "I know they love me, but wonder if I'm really satisfying them in bed" lines on the one hand [if the sex was bad it would have ended by now] nor "I wonder if they're really just with me for the sex" lines on the other [since you're both already getting that]).

If she's not also falling for you, then you'll have to end it and that'll hurt but it's the risk you knew was there when you started (either that or you're finding out the hard way how stupid you are - a useful lesson if nothing else).

Dan133269

terrible thing really, falling in love with someone you're seeing, I don't think I can think of anything worse in life! :rolleyes:

Heisenberg.

This post has been deleted.

Talliesin

Dan133269 wrote:

terrible thing really, falling in love with someone you're seeing, I don't think I can think of anything worse in life! :rolleyes:

Well, it will suck if she hasn't fallen for him at all. Still, the only way to avoid that is to be a hermit.

Dan133269

good point, worth the risk though I think

LegacyUser

I think about her all the time and I want her to be my girlfriend.

But I don't want to stop sleeping with other people. She isn't great looking (she is good looking though) and we aren't alike in some ways but we are in others. I like when she is asleep with me. Yes the sex is good because you would hardly do the 'buddy' thing if it wasn't.

I do online quizzes with her name and that sort of thing. But they never say
'have you been sleeping with X for three months as ****buddies'

I guess I don't want to fall in love because I want to spare myself the heartache.

Talliesin

NotLove wrote:

I think about her all the time and I want her to be my girlfriend.

Not the worse ambition anyone's ever had.

NotLove wrote:

But I don't want to stop sleeping with other people.

Does being in love have to mean monogamy to you?

If it does, well you're just going to have to go one way or the other. Whether or not it does for her is obviously a factor too. However, there are people happily living in relationships that in one way or another aren't strictly monogamous.

As a rule I'd generally not mention that possibility in a PI thread unless the OP was already not monogamous - it is unusual in our society and it does bring issues and questions that aren't answered by comparing your life to those of many people around you (though it's not like every monogamous couple is identical) but you don't seem to be following a philosophy or religion that says that the only way for two people to be together is in a monogamous relationship, judging by your current situation, so maybe it's worth considering.

NotLove wrote:

She isn't great looking (she is good looking though)

What exactly does that mean to you? That she doesn't do it for you, or that you think you can get better arm-candy? What's important?

NotLove wrote:

and we aren't alike in some ways but we are in others.

Newsflash! Ms. Right isn't out there waiting for you. If she was she wouldn't be like you in every way.

I don't really get this one to be honest. The ways my lover isn't like me are some of the most interesting things about her.

NotLove wrote:

I like when she is asleep with me.

Either a good thing or a bad thing depending on what you mean. I'm hoping you mean you like it in a gushy romantic way rather than "at last she's shut up" way. In the latter case re-think this whole "in love" thing.

NotLove wrote:

Yes the sex is good because you would hardly do the 'buddy' thing if it wasn't.

Good sex is not the most important thing in the world, but it's a damn good thing to have when you do have it all the same.

NotLove wrote:

I do online quizzes with her name and that sort of thing.

As a sign of you being smitten, this is significant. I do hope you don't pay any attention to what they say.

NotLove wrote:

But they never say
'have you been sleeping with X for three months as ****buddies'

You go to the more boring websites then

NotLove wrote:

I guess I don't want to fall in love because I want to spare myself the heartache.

Tough. Too late. You can't insulate yourself from life. Trying to only makes things **** up even more.

LegacyUser

She does it for me, though she's a bit fat. I really mean that yeah I could get girls who would make me look good by being with them (God that's so immature).

The sleep no I meant in a gushy way. She talks alot, but I love the sound of her voice. Though tbh I often don't really listen.

Jeebus I sound like a teenager.

I don't think emotionally I could deal with an open relationship.

tbh

NotLove wrote:

.

I don't think emotionally I could deal with an open relationship.

I'm afraid the 'open' is a qualification too far tbh.

LegacyUser

Well tbh maybe you have got my number

Talliesin

Yeah, I agree with tbh.

You are becoming infatuated with her. This is the beginning of the process of falling in love. You can't stop it while still spending time with her and having sex with her.

Open relationship, not being with her, sex with other people. You may pick two at most.

Jules

NotLove wrote:

She does it for me, though she's a bit fat. I really mean that yeah I could get girls who would make me look good by being with them (God that's so immature).

Im glad you said that was immature and not someone else. if she does it for you then whats the problem, do you really care what other people think of here, if so then your statement about yourself couldnt be truer!!!

Just because she is fat doesnt mean that she isnt good looking! And do you really want to be with someone just because they make you look good!?

aidan24326

WTF?

You say you're 'falling in love with this girl', then you say she's not really your type, she's not great looking and 'a bit fat'. You have a strange idea of what it means to be in love.

Tar.Aldarion

You can't not fall in love...
If you will you will, if you won't you won't.
Sometimes it is the wrong person/you think it is the wrong person but that is life and if you fall in love with somebody, they you do so for a reason. Also, clearly she is your type.

onemanband

aidan24326 wrote:

WTF?

You say you're 'falling in love with this girl', then you say she's not really your type, she's not great looking and 'a bit fat'. You have a strange idea of what it means to be in love.

Hear hear. I think this thread is mental. "How do I stop myself falling in love with the fat bird that I am embarrassed to be be seen with".

Do your very best not to fall in love with this girl. She deserves better!

Black Swan

I agree with Ruu in an earlier post. You need to make a decision, then stick by it.

Marksie

I agree with most of the posters here.
Love hits you when you are least lilkely to be looking for it.
If you are frightened of not getting hurt, then you are frighthened of living... opening to love is one of the fundameentals of the human condition. Yes you can get hurt... but give me the the chance to love at the risk of getting hurt and i would take that chance every time.

As had been said, being in a loving realtionship and not being monogamous are not mutually exclusive. It can be hard and you say yourself that you don't think you could handle it.. yet you believed you could handle casual sex, where presumable you were free to have sex with other people..until the dreaded wiord love raised its head..soon to be followed by the dreaded jealousy.

You have to really examine yourself about this, why you are so conflicted. No one is perfect, but you have things that draw you to this girl

But that is only one half of the equation... what about her.. have you communicated your feelings? have you talked about what she wants, needs, desires. How she feels about you?
All this should be a two way thing.. and you really should talk to your partner about it...
It may be she wants something more, it may not.
But you dont know until you find out.. and you have to examine your own raison d'etre in this.

Aftre you know then you can make a decision to break contact or go further.
As someone once bluntly told me it will be time to sh*t on te pot or get off