making friends (i suppose)

im_invisible

its me again, usual blah...

so, im kinda manic depressive, back in first year of college at 23, and the way with my depression is i could go through some days not talking to anyone, just kinda following arount a few guys i got friendly with, 18 and 19 year olds, im sure they think im a wee bit weird, but i dont care. then some days i (well i wouldnt be the life and soul of the party, unless there was a party, with a lot of booze...), but some days i can chat away and have a laugh with anyone, get to know new people, be friendly and funny and smart, (well not really, i think the meds im on kinda take away that edge aswell as the lows)

so theres this girl, and i can easily see it happening what happened when i went to college first, i like a girl in the class, i sit down beside her in one class, get into the habit of sitting beside her, and thats as far as it goes, two years of sitting beside her, we'd go to lunch or hang around with the lads from class, but i dont think i ever had a conversation with her on my own, i know there was only one occasion when the two of us got lunch on our own, and i suppose i talked to her, but i dont know...

so i got good days and bad days, (usually something like 5 bad, 1 good, or it could be 1 good hour in the afternoon, the rest of the day bad), but i dont really notice any change, just in the way i interact with people, if i feel comfortable talking to people i will, up to the point im comfortable with, if i dont feel comfortable talking, i wont, (it was the same two years ago, only if i didnt feel comfortable getting out of bed, i wouldnt, sometimes for days, (food & bathroom excepted))

*sorry, what was your question about?

anyway, how am i meant to have a half normal student life if i cant talk to people, only when im comfortable with it. i tried today, i didnt know what to say, couldnt string two words together,

and theres so many beautiful girls....

(dont know why im even posting this, "make the effort, whats the worst that can happen? just do it" id do it if i could, and i can when im feeling allright, i suppose ill just go out and get drunk with the group of them on thursday, see what happens,)

Black Swan

I was a kid depressive. Went through counsillors and meds for a couple of years until I realised that neither could fix me. Only I could. Had been doing kickboxing for awhile, cause I was fed up with the bullies. One day I decked one, and the rest got the message. Later shifted to taekwondo. Not really sure why. The dojang master took a special interest in me. He encouraged me to be the best I could become in this Olympic sport. That's when I started to get a grip on life. Oh, it was not the total answer, but an important part. Maybe you might consider checking this out for yourself? Your campus probably has one or more martial arts clubs. The type of MA is really not important, but rather the spirit of the young men and women who teach and train there. They won't care what age you are, as MA is for life. You could make some real solid (excuse the pun) friends for now and the future. And if you allow yourself to become enthusiastic in the sport, you might even meet a girl who trains and shares your enthusiasm. Who knows?

ricerocket

you sound very like a friend of mine who had depression and was on meds but i was one of the 18/19 yr. olds he hung around with - don't think we ever knew the full extent of his problems but by the sounds of it you have a good personality or else no-one would be hanging around with you. he was very self-depreciating and little did he realise that we all looked up to him because he had been around the block before and could dispense some wisdom. ok, for some reason girls seemed (like you) to be an issue as in there are so many beautiful girls around and yet i'm not getting with them - i've left college now a couple of years and believe me no-one and i mean N0-ONE met the love of their life in college. it might'nt seem that way at the time but college life is completely unrealistic and it's only when you get a job you realise that. if something happens on the girl front let it happen but if not who cares - there is plenty of time for that. you're only 23 and i'm 26 - i don't feel much different to when i was 21 but the point is you are still young. everyone has their awkward moments in college but go out there and get involved because you never regret the things you did, it's the things you didn't do! hope it works out for you!

dr.bollocko

It could be worse, you mightnt even be in glorious wonderful first year of university at 23. Im 23 now and college seems so far away, stuck here working. I would love to go back.
I know where you are coming from alright, so except for pushing out your comfort zone to include activities you wouldnt normally be associated with, there isnt much of the "go on, you can do it" stuff anyone can say to you. Good luck!

craichoe

Preach on man working is hard