Coming Out to Parents

rorobobo

I came out to my mother on the 5th June this year. She was very shocked and thought that I was only going through a phase in my life. I assured her that it's not just a phase and that I'm very happy. At this point she asked if I had a boyfriend. I told her that I was in a relationship for 3 months. She didn't ask any questions and left the matter at that. She asked me not to tell anyone because she doesn't want my grandmother finding out that I'm gay. It's now been 4 months since I told her and I'm now in my relationship for 7 months. The problem I have is that my mother has never asked my boyfriends name or even mentioned the fact that I'm gay since. I know it should take time for her to adjust and get used to idea that she has a gay son. But I thought she would of come around by now. I don't know if she needs more time to get used to the fact or if I should bring the matter up with her. Any ideas?

Twinkle-star15

Did she say 'don't tell anyone' or ' don't tell your gran'? And have you told any other family members? What were their reactions? Have you told any friends or family friends? If you think your mam isn't okay with it, but that aunts or uncles would be, tell them. It'll make it easier for her to accept you the way you are.

nah_biy!

I don't understand why parents take it to heart so much, is it an assumption they feel they failed in life? Hardly, as you seem pleased with your choice. Parents will always take these things differently, if you can confide in your next of kin, and as such it went well, don't tell your gran, maybe its a "set in their way" sort of thing?

abetarrush

Is ur gran v religious?

I dont think your ma is happy abt it, or will be, if ye jus let her be

what abt ur da, and the rest o ur family?

FranknFurter

Give her time, as much as she needs.
Remember, you dropped what is probably a huge bombshell on her (even if it shouldnt be), and now you must try to help her understand what that means, and help her dispell any mis-conceptions she may have.

Maybe mention your bf in passing a few times as part of a relevant conversation and see how she reacts.
As for your gran, well, people often forget, granparents have been around a long time and have seen and lived with a lot of societies changes over the decades.
She may not be as delicate as your mother believes.
My own grandmother was in her 70's when she heard via "the familly grapevine" and after a few weeks just came out with, "ah well, at least he's happy" and that was that. She even seemed to respect me more after she found out for not hiding it.
(I was lucky in that I never really had to "come out" as such, everyone just accecpted it bit by bit as I didnt bother hiding it, I spose I thought "well I dont really care if they like it or not, theres lots about them I dont like, lol, but thats not possible for everyone, I know).

But do respect your mothers concern for her mother and dont go telling your gran out straight, there really is no reason to, she will probably find out through "familly gossip" which is best imho.

I personally would make it known in a "no big deal" way to maybe some cousins or whatever and then just let the rest take care of itself.
And hey, your mother can hardly blame you if you're seen by some familly member with your bf can she?

B

Hmm_Messiah

I know others might not agree but I've seen this help in similar situations, where a breakthrough of kinds is needed.

Write her a note, send it in a card or whatever. If you love her say ya do !! avoid over emotional words but say maybe you find it unfortunate tat the bf is never mentioned, or that there seems to be somethign that you both can't talk about. tell her too that you understand but that it was important to you to share this "news" with her as your mum, and you'd like some day if thinks were maybe just a little different. end by saying that you are not looking for some "big conversation" but that you wanted to share this with her without any upset of her feeling trapped.

After that is up to your mum. mention the bf as you would any other partner of friend. "am heading out with ___", gotta think of xmas present for __",
"myself and __ gonna go for a meal next week, you could join us if you like"

I can't really empathise with your situation as in my case when I told her therewas this ....guy. she wanted to give me some money to go for a celebratory meal! and often she spent more time with him than i did!

Nevyn

Look there is going to be a time of shock and readjustment and to be honest grief and guilt.

Grief for the grandchildren she may not have actively tought about but always had in the back of her mind she would have someday.

Guilt that did she cause this in some way , yes I know it is dumb but parents worry all the time that something they did or didn't do has had an effect on their child and how they choose to live thier lives no matter how irrational it is.

Most parents will want to see thier children settled down and happy with someone to love and care for them and for the most part the idea that this will be a person of the same gender to thier child will rarely enter thier minds.
To some it just does not seem plausible that any man could be that person for thier son with the ideas of a woman makes a home ect coming to the for front.

She may also have worries about hiv, daft I know a it should be a worry for all sexually active adult children but for some of the older generations it is still a gay issue.

It could be that she needs someone to talk to that is not you, so she can ask questions and express her worries and fears with out hurting you.

http://www.gayswitchboard.ie/parents.htm

Get her some support.

As for meeting your bf, well if you were seeing a girl for that length of time it would it be unusal for her not to have meet her ?
Why not try talking to her and explaining that you love her and you woudl like her to meet the person who makes you happy and that you are mad about and suggest going for lunch out somewhere.

Why would you not mention your bf ?
Surely it would come up in converstation about what you did over the weekend or how your day went ?
If you want your Mam to know what is going on in your life then you have to learn to share with her in a everyday sort of way.
She is you Mam she will always love you but that does not mean that you don't have to work at having a relationship with her.

rorobobo

Thanks for all the comments and advice guys & dolls

All my freinds know that I am gay and have done for years and years. It isn't an issue for any of them at all. A few of my cousins have said it to me witout me telling them. So I thought it must of been obvious that i was gay. But I suppose no mum or dad thinks that they have a gay son/daughter. I haven't told my dad. I found it hard enough to tell my mum and my dad would be harder as I'm not as close to him as I am with my mum. I had no intentions of telling my gran, but it's just the fact that my mum asked me not to say anything that i am worried about. I don't want her to be ashamed or diapointed in me if that makes sense. I think I'm going to have to mention my bf in conversations with my mum and hopefully she'll pick up on it.