Complex Woman

Shenanigans

Hey,

...I broke up with a girl at the start of the year who I had been going out with 3 years ... ..At that time I was so happy to be single and be myself again and had no intention of meeting or going out with someone... then out of no where this new girl started in work and I was instantly taken with her... She was everything I ever wanted...cute, sweet, intelligent, funny and beautiful.... We clicked straight away and after a few weeks of flirting (e-mail and otherwise I asked her out... ! She has an 11 year old daughter (she's 29).. but that absolutely never bothered me .. in fact it made me like her even more because she had gone to college part time and got her degree whilst working and whilst bringing up a kid!!!

(She had told me from the outset what happened with her and the father.... basically he was (is) a wanker ... She broke up with him once and then she took him back ..I think for the sake of the kid and also Im sure because she had been mad about him previously... anyhoo...eventually she had enough of his **** and ended it... after that it got real messy etc etc etc etc...)

So anyway.. we were seeing each other for the next couple of months and it was amazing... it was great.... Because we worked together we pretty much saw eachother everyday...!! We kinda openly told eachother how much we liked eachother but she was always nervous ... I constantly had to appease her insecurities about my ex-girlfriend and the fact that we worked together... I think she really had difficulty with trust and sometime I believe she couldnt quite comprehend that things were going so well for us and it was just easy!!!

We eventually went to her friends wedding together and we got on great... and it was on that day that I really started to fall for her..... the next day she freaked out ...and ended it..!!!!!!

That was 6 months ago... we still see eachother everyday... have been txtin eachother, been out a couple of times etc etc etc.. she has more or less told me that she freaked out but says she can't go back because its too much of a risk.. i.e: what if we break up... how would it work out in work etc etc... basically, as she has said herself "I don't take risks"...

I know she stills likes me... I still like her.... but I think she is afraid to take a chance!!! Actually I think she is petrified!!

I have to move on... i don't want to but I will ... The only way I can do that thou is by cutting contact all together...The difficult thing is I still see her everyday

..If I thought she was wasn't interested Id move on no problem but knowing that somebody likes you.. that it could have been great... but just because she can't take risks is a pain in the A$%£ !!!

Any insight?

Shenanigans....

BreadBoard

You could ask her if she wanted you in her future, ask her would she not be happy with you.

I don't really know what the risk is here? You've been going out 3 years then she's all nervous all of a sudden or did the wedding you both went to but the scare in her?

secret_squirrel

BreadBoard wrote:

I don't really know what the risk is here? You've been going out 3 years then she's all nervous all of a sudden or did the wedding you both went to but the scare in her?

He was talking about 2 different GF's there.

This pretty much happened to me.

I saw a girl for a bit, was mad about her, she's amazing. Anyhow we broke up twice for reasons pretty much similar to yours. Each time we broke up I persued her, because I though she was worth taking a chance on. However during the breakups I made it clear to her what she was missing. I knew she loved me, its just that every so often her fears got the better of her.

My rule? Three strikes and you are out.

That gives you enough attempts to try to make something work, but lets you walk away with some self respect and pride intact.

We're getting on like a house on fire now - completely head over heels with each other - its been 2 fantastic years. I've never been happier.

Just make sure your's is worth it.

BreadBoard

secret_squirrel wrote:

He was talking about 2 different GF's there.

(Mental note: Must not speed read)

DirkVoodoo

It sounds like she just has some commitment issues, not surprising seeing as she was left with a child to raise by herself, shes just afraid to let another person into her life who might end up hurting her.

You are probably going to have to take it extra slow, build up her trust and dont rush her into anything. A lot of work, huh? But if you like her as much as you say, then she is worth it.

Black Swan

Invite her to coffee, or a walk in the park, and share with her what you have shared with us. If she is unwilling to commit, then move on.

nuttz

Have you considered maybe that because you work together that it is a bigger risk/problem if things dont work out?
You could possibly consider working in another company/equivalent and then reapproaching the relationship? IMO relationships in the workplace are not a good idea anyway.

Vyse

Blue_Lagoon wrote:

Invite her to coffee, or a walk in the park, and share with her what you have shared with us. If she is unwilling to commit, then move on.

Couldn't agree more. I think she is using you as her emotional crutch.....having the bits of a relationship she wants without having to make any commitment to you. She probably has no idea what a negative impact this is having on you.

You need to sit her down and tell her how you feel. If she is still unwilling to comprimise tell her from then on you want to keep your relationship strictly business (lets face it their is always going to be some contact) but that you don't want anything else. At least then you can move on.

Good luck;)

el tel

Personally I'd do what she wants - i.e. no going back. You're lucky she's able to tell you that straight without any more time being wasted. I wouldn't fight it; just do the sensible thing and save yourself a struggle. In any case, you say in your post that you had just come out of a 3-year relationship before meeting her. In that sort of situatation it's not uncommon for someone to get into a relationship that they would never have been in under 'normal' circumstances. Just be cool. wait a while and get yourself a nice girl with no emotional baggage, no insecurities or complexes.

In my experience, complex = trouble

Good luck.

MojoMaker

secret_squirrel wrote:

I saw a girl for a bit, was mad about her, she's amazing. Anyhow we broke up twice for reasons pretty much similar to yours. Each time we broke up I persued her, because I thought she was worth taking a chance on. However during the breakups I made it clear to her what she was missing. I knew she loved me, its just that every so often her fears got the better of her.

Good advice SS.

Are you listening, girl with dog?

Shenanigans

secret_squirrel wrote:

He was talking about 2 different GF's there.

This pretty much happened to me.

I saw a girl for a bit, was mad about her, she's amazing. Anyhow we broke up twice for reasons pretty much similar to yours. Each time we broke up I persued her, because I though she was worth taking a chance on. However during the breakups I made it clear to her what she was missing. I knew she loved me, its just that every so often her fears got the better of her.

My rule? Three strikes and you are out.

That gives you enough attempts to try to make something work, but lets you walk away with some self respect and pride intact.

We're getting on like a house on fire now - completely head over heels with each other - its been 2 fantastic years. I've never been happier.

Just make sure your's is worth it.

Cheers SS...

Good advice... I think at this stage I'm going to move on... In one sense I think If I didn't work with her I would have got over this along time ago...

I also agree with 'El Tel'

...."Complex = Trouble".... I do know that Im prob best out of it... why would I go looking for a messy situation with a complex girl who even if we did get back together she is most likely going to "run" again at the next sign of "Risk"...

Im in no rush to get into another relationship ;-) and next time.... "No emotional baggage, no insecurities or complexes"...!!

Thanks a million :-)

Shenanigans

DirkVoodoo wrote:

It sounds like she just has some commitment issues, not surprising seeing as she was left with a child to raise by herself, shes just afraid to let another person into her life who might end up hurting her.

You are probably going to have to take it extra slow, build up her trust and dont rush her into anything. A lot of work, huh? But if you like her as much as you say, then she is worth it.

PS: Yes she does have Trust issues ...she told me..... but it gets to a point where you just have to give up trying I think... Life is too short.. Thanks :-)