at my wits end. trouble in paradise.

LegacyUser

i need some advice.

im basically goin out with this girl for 3yrs an a bit now. i love her to bits an i wanna go the whole way with her, i.e marraige, the works. we're fairly young but every1 says that we're ideally suited to each other and the thing is we are! i'm a year older than she is, nearing the end of college while she is starting.

when the relationship is going good, its great...unbeliaveably good. but when its bad, its completely shìt. i love her unconditionally but there seems to be a side to her that just does not want to give a ****. if we have an argument and we have plenty of those, i am always the one who has to put things right because its ususally her getting mad at me, for some stupid reason. these arguments in reterospect are really about nothing at all, insignificant trivial stuff. minor irks, but they just develop and get to teh point where she tries to walk off on me and i end up running back to resolve things because i cant bear to fight with her. it feels like shes playin hard to get. she already tried to break off with me but i was so upset i could not let her go, she said she had a lot of issues at the time and that she did not mean it. we say we cant live without each other and honestly i dont think i could. but i think she could.

at the start of our relationship, i cut off ties with all of my friends as she felt insecure and all the rest of it, and she did the same. but now, cos shes startin college she wants to go out with HER friends and clubbing (i dnt drink btw but like to go out) an **** while she expects me not to have a problem with it! wtf? i segregated myself from all of my friends and i dont get invited anywhere because of it, she is my best friend and i have nobody else, but now she expects me to not have a oroblem with it??! the worst thing is that i do everyrthing for her but she just does not trust me. she clams up as soon as she hears i was talking to another girl and wants to know everything about her and thinks that i am going to go off on her. i really do not know what to do.
i have zero to none confidence about myself and find that i just go along with things just for the sake of it. i would never ever cheat on her. i think she knows this too. but because she doesnt trust me, i find myself losing trust in her. i cant even meet someone for lunch without her getting thick about it, its insane and i feel like she's got me right where she wants me. its like she has no respect for me and i am a nice guy. i even stayed in my home city for her wen i started college just to be near her and now she's lookin at colleges abroad. i feel like im being used and its an aspect to the relationship that i hate. this is only the tip of the iceberg, there are other issues but as i said when its going great, its bloody unreal. it feels like she loves me when it feels like she loves me (if that makes sense) but at the moment im just hopping my head off a brick wall. i dont want the relationship to end, i really need her but i want the madness to stop. she says she feels the same as me about having a future together. but sometimes it just feels as if she couldnt care less.

this is a fairly mixed post, sorry about the length! help!?

Ruu_Old

I think this is beginning to look like a one sided relationship and this simply does not work, both parties have to make an effort. You need to ask her about the trust issue among other things. Has she any reason not to trust you?

Ickle Magoo

As things stand it sounds like a fairly destructive relationship for both parties...

You both need to have friends, you need to have trust & you need to be able to communicate better with each other.

Would you consider going to councelling? Perhaps if you got to the bottom of why have low self-esteem then you would find it easier to put across your side of things & you would find it easier to let things go (by that I mean not so desparate to make up that you always let your gf win every argument).

Ruu is right, relationships are all about hard work and compromise & from your post it doesn't sound like your gf is really into either. You need to sit her down to have a serious conversation & honestly tell her how much things are affecting you relationship & how you feel yourself. You need to be able to have a degree of freedom and you need to meet or rediscover friends...your relationship is bound to suffer if you spend all your free time looking in at it.

Hope you work things out. Best of luck

LegacyUser

OP, that is unbelieveable - I was in the exact ( I mean exactly) same situation as you for the same length of time aswell. The good times made me feel on absolutely top of the world but it was always me who had to fix things and the bad times were crap and it felt like she didn't care.

To cut a long story short though, one day I decided not to fix the row ( I hadn't done anything ). I remained calm and friendly but I didn't go out of my way. We didn't speak for months and then she finally resolved things between us and everything was grand for a few months but then it just went back to the way things were.

It ended again and now we don't talk all that much but I still miss her terribly and have to stop myself ringing/texting her - especially on the weekends when I mightn't be busy. I know inside though that I really am better off without her and that it'll be possible ( eventually ) to love another girl the way I loved my other gf and there won't be that fear of the next inevitable disagreement.

Sangre

What kind of healthy relationship requires peopel to segrate themselves from their friends completely?

Pighead

Yeah think its time to finish with her and sit back and see how she reacts. If she cares for you at all she'll come back and apologise for her behaviour, if she doesn't then I'm afraid its time to move on and realise she's not the girl for you.
Hopefully its the former.Good luck buddy.

Trinity

These highly emotional relationships can be very dangerous and yet at the same time very addictive.

Yes it does sound like she has you right where she wants you. You say you dont think you could live without her, of course you could.

You should get out of there now, even temporarily.

That is not a healthy place to be for either of you. You have grown dependant on her for your happiness and she is dictating your mood.

You need to gain back a little independance.

Sit down and talk to her because she sounds very selfish and she will drag you down so deep it will take a lot to get back up and yes i'm afraid you could be right - at the end of it all she can walk away.

Faith

Oh my, you should have realised that there was a problem at the start when you thought that it was a good idea to cut off your friends. That is not a healthy relationship. I'd put the effort into rebuilding your friendships first and foremost (but it won't be easy. Don't expect people to be forgiving.)

McGinty

Like the others I would say it doesn't sound healthy but I would suggest one other thing, sometimes arguing or saying that her behaviour is selfish may not work, it may help if you show her how her behaviour is selfish and destructive. What I personally would suggest is to rebuild your friendships, don't ask for her approval (you won't get it) just go ahead and meet friends from time to time, is she gets angry just say you have a right to other friendships and state it is unhealthy to build your life around one person, and you wish for a healthy relationship. I would also suggest you ask yourself why you are centering your happiness around one person, I say this because I have done what you are doing at the moment, and like you I was at the mercy of my ex-boyfriend, I don't blame him, although he was selfish, I chose to let go of friendships and pander to his jealousy because I sought his approval so much to the expense of myself. I'm guessing your unhappiness lies with the fact that you are doing all the work but your also subjecting your plans and hopes on one person who doesn't give the same back. There is a wonderful phrase I heard (Anthony de Mello from his book awareness) he states 'I'm an ass, you're an ass' basically, you cannot depend on the nicety of others, you have to create your own happiness, and if the other person enjoys your time that is great, if not it is their problem. Your girlfriends jealousy is her problem, leave it with her and don;t take it on, no one has the power to make another happy. That is a difficult concept because we are spoon fed approval from a young age,

LegacyUser

thnks for all teh replies. no she has no reason not to trust me, id never ever do anythhing to hurt her or damage the relationship. i completely changed my ways for her just to stop her feeling insecure but its like the tables are turned now and im the one feeling insecure. she says she wont trust me because i dont trust her (i trust her but i just get a bit protective/possesive (mildly) around other guys).
she's got this ability to make me feel great and the same to make me feel like crap. but i cant leave her, i cant let her go. i am too in love with her and i have been through hell and back. i wish there was just a way to shock her, i wasnt as affectionate towards her in the early stages of our relationship and she was all over me, is it a thing of absence making the heart grow fonder? i know she loves me, but i just dont like the situation that we are in. people tell me to pull back and let her do the running but i'm just afraid she wont run. i really want this to work, i have put so much into it. any thoughts?
is there anything i should/should not be doing? dont hold back with the comments. thnks.

Ickle Magoo

I think sometimes absence of patterns of behaviours make partners sit up & take note...

Imagine she was all over you like a rash 24/7 & always telling you how much she loves you, everytime you so much as look at another girl she goes ape & you know if you as much as thought about cooling off she would be absolutely devistated...how much power has she handed you? How worried are you that your gf would find something to replace you if she is not happy or you say or do something she doesn't like? You aren't...at all.

Now change the scenario so it's her with all the power & that's what you are describing...

You say you are too scared to pull back & let her do the running because you are scared she won't bother - do you really want a relationship based on that fear? You deserve to have someone that is willing to go to the ends of the earth for you. You shouldn't have to lie awake at night worrying that they don't love you or that you are going to get hurt. You have to talk to your gf about what you've said here & you do need to pull back. All the very best

LegacyUser

i took a week's break from the gf on fri. i am hurting so bad inside but it got so bad and i was so down that my family actually intervened and made me do it. she was so upset over it and i am so cut up inside, im restless, bored, i feel empty and alone...but im just hoping this break will do us good and maybe make her be a bit more appreciative. she did not want to do it but its done now. i dont know what to do. i am at my wits end. i have never been so down in my life. my eyes feel like theyre going to explode with tears. how can one person hold all your hopes and fears? this is crazy. im going crazy.

Talliesin

waterfordpaddy wrote:

every1 says that we're ideally suited to each other and the thing is we are!

Think about how well this sentence from your opening paragraph fits with the rest of what you said about the relationship. Granted you're looking for advice, so you're concentrating on the bad bits, but this doesn't read like "trouble in paradise" to me, this reads like "messed up co-dependent relationship with at least one of the couple being passive-agressive having unsurprising problems".

A good relationship makes both of you more than you are outside of it. A relationship that is making you less than what you are is bad. Maybe you're not as suited for each other as your love for her makes you want to think (incidentally, someone would have to be really bad for you before many people will say it, firstly people are generally biased towards wanting things to be good and see them that way, secondly it's not really the done thing to say you think someone's bad for someone unless you're either extremely open with each other or they're at violent-junky-psycho-lover-from-hell levels of not being good for you).

waterfordpaddy wrote:

i love her unconditionally

I love my children unconditionally. I think if one of my children where to grow up to do something utterly heinous I'd still love them.

Apart from that screw unconditional love. Unconditional love = love for no good reason (quite literally that's what it means, think about it). Personally there's no way I'd settle for the love of someone that was for no good reason or to be with someone I love for no good reason. That's just playing at romance and romance is too wonderful a thing to just play at.

waterfordpaddy wrote:

at the start of our relationship, i cut off ties with all of my friends as she felt insecure and all the rest of it, and she did the same.

Bad, bad, bad.

waterfordpaddy wrote:

but now, cos shes startin college she wants to go out with HER friends and clubbing (i dnt drink btw but like to go out) an **** while she expects me not to have a problem with it!

This could be an opportunity for both of you to stop spinning in the single little dot of co-dependency and spread out a bit socially, grow a bit, and get away from the insecure bad **** that's been crippling you both, if you started going out a bit more too.

Yeah, it's bad that you cut off ties in the past for the relationship, but you can't go back in time and undo that, so you'd be better off seeing if you can take this change in her lifestyle as a good thing rather than sniping about how you both ****ed up (her in insisting you cut off ties with your friends, you in doing so).

waterfordpaddy wrote:

she clams up as soon as she hears i was talking to another girl and wants to know everything about her and thinks that i am going to go off on her.

This is her problem not yours. Some people are going to be inclined towards being suspicious to this extent and frankly you can't kow-tow to it. If she's going to try to work on it then certainly help her as much as you can, but don't not talk to people because she's going to be paranoid unless you're really happy with not talking to people for the rest of your life with her.

For your own part though. What do you mean that you are "protective/possesive (mildly)". The way I'm protective of my property is related to the way I'm possessive of it. You can't protect people the same way though.

You protect people by standing with them in dealing with what they have to deal with. The way I'm possessive of people is wanting to have time with them. Now I'm not saying my level of non-jealousy is the only healthy level - most people are more possessive of their lovers than I am and I know that I'm unusual in how non-jealous I am - but unless you're living in the sort of society where you have to grandstand to keep your people from being molested then protective and possessive are not words you should be separating with a solidus to suggest that there's some sort of inherent similarity between the two.

Really - Who are you protecting? What are you protecting from? It can be fun to play at that level of possessiveness, but I don't think it's wise to really treat your partner the same as you do your wallet or car.

waterfordpaddy wrote:

we say we cant live without each other and honestly i dont think i could

I love the Gothic love-stories of the Romantic era. Wulthering Heights is absolutely brilliant. However, once one grows up a bit (I doubt it's a coincidence that some of the best romances of that era were juvenile works) it becomes apparant that being an emotional cripple isn't actually indicative of the strength of one's love.

Laudinum-addicted writer hasn't been much of a career choice for some time now, and really it's the only lifestyle this model of romance suits (turn every fight into a new poem that'll make you the talk of polite society, "why you're putting Lord Byron himself in the shade govna'", pity you missed the era).

The pleasant thing about this sort of romance is that it's actually a lot easier to do than a healthier expression of love. It's so inherently flimsy when you really look at it "oh, I cannot live without you" doesn't really say "my love for you is strong" it says "I am weak, and my love your you is a sapping thing that makes me weaker still rather than a healthy thing that gives me strength in my life". What a great cop-out for any personal failings, "oh, I know I shouldn't do my part in dragging us both down, but it's not my fault, it's because I love you so much".

I have a rather romantic disposition. I'm always inclined towards saying, give it a go, take a risk, faint heart ne'er won fair maid, etc. But romance is actually better when you look after yourself - risk your heart being broken by all means, but don't fling it under someone's feet - and taking risks in the hope of a happier life (whether that means with someone or something else) takes backbone, not moping.

w-paddy wrote:

im just hoping this break will do us good and maybe make her be a bit more appreciative

She probably does appreciate you already. She probably feels she loves you deeply. I don't think that's the problem at all. None of the things you've mentioned seem to indicate a lack of appreciation, or that she's deliberately "playing" you so as to take advantage of you (though she may well "play" you because she thinks she should, and I suspect you are "playing" her a bit if you expect the week to go by and your gambit to magically make her "more appreciative"), but rather that she has an unhealthy idea about how to be in a relationship, and that you probably do too.

What are you trying to accomplish with the time apart?

Make her more appreciative? Is romance a competition to you?

I know that plenty of people enjoy competitive romance - the drama of playing hard to get, the melodrama of giving significance to the exact number and frequence of SMS messages, all that crap. It's a harmless enough game to play with someone when you have no serious feelings for each other, but it's just a game.

Either get back together with her, get some counselling together and try to work at it, dump her and get back what you lost during the relationship before dating again, or at the very least for the duration of this week apart stop moping and go out with some of those friends you've lost contact with and get a bit more of a sense of the world outside of the two of you.

Otherwise all you're going to gain from the time apart is the knowledge that if you spend a week moping and feeling sorry for yourself it's less enjoyable than being with her - if you can't work that out without actually trying then there's no hope for you anyway.

w-paddy wrote:

how can one person hold all your hopes and fears?

Simple, you let them. They can't otherwise.

w-paddy wrote:

this is crazy.

Yes

w-paddy wrote:

im going crazy.

No, that was Heathcliff and a dozen other Romantic heros. Love doesn't make real people crazy. Even grief (and if you the course you take is to split up there will be some grief) generally doesn't make people crazy that often, though it does happen. Spiralling downwards into an increasingly unhealthy co-dependency will make you completely bat-**** nutso though.

Black Swan

When you get back together, use this time apart to trigger an indepth discussion about the future of your relationship.

Beruthiel

waterfordpaddy wrote:

at the start of our relationship, i cut off ties with all of my friends as she felt insecure and all the rest of it, and she did the same.

If there is one thing you learn as you get older, it's that you never, ever, EVER let your friends go when you get into a relationship. You may end up a very lonely man if you do.
Your friends are there no matter what, through good and bad. This cannot always be said for a relationship that may or may not last. Not to mention that it is unhealthy for any relationship to not have outside interests and hobbies. Spending time apart is not only necessary but healthy.

but now, cos shes startin college she wants to go out with HER friends and clubbing (i dnt drink btw but like to go out) an **** while she expects me not to have a problem with it! wtf?

It's called having your cake and eating it. You can do the same you know, and you should, it's normal.

i segregated myself from all of my friends and i dont get invited anywhere because of it

Go talk to your friends, see if they will include you again.

she is my best friend and i have nobody else

Huge mistake.

the worst thing is that i do everyrthing for her but she just does not trust me. she clams up as soon as she hears i was talking to another girl and wants to know everything about her and thinks that i am going to go off on her.

This is her problem, if she has issues with trust then she needs to deal with them. You do not under any circumstances, pander to her silly petty jealouslys, if you do, she will not make the effort to change.

i have zero to none confidence about myself and find that i just go along with things just for the sake of it. i would never ever cheat on her. i think she knows this too. but because she doesnt trust me, i find myself losing trust in her. i cant even meet someone for lunch without her getting thick about it

Sorry to say this, but she's acting like a right little brat and I wouldn't stand for it. If you wish to have lunch with a friend, do it and let her sulk. I'm telling you now, that the reason you have no respect from her is because you do not appear to be standing up for yourself. Nobody respects a doormat and that's what you are. Respect is earned and is usually given to someone who has confidence and respect for themselves.

i feel like im being used and its an aspect to the relationship that i hate. this is only the tip of the iceberg, there are other issues but as i said when its going great, its bloody unreal. it feels like she loves me when it feels like she loves me (if that makes sense) but at the moment im just hopping my head off a brick wall. i dont want the relationship to end, i really need her but i want the madness to stop. she says she feels the same as me about having a future together. but sometimes it just feels as if she couldnt care less.

I'll be honest with you, she needs to grow up. So do you.
We can love someone all we want, but if they do not feel the same for us, we cannot make them love us. If this relationship ends, you will not die. You will be miserable for 6 months or so, but you will be a stronger man for it. Take steps to protect yourself now, get back in with your friends, take up some hobbies, start filling your time with other things. If this relationship is meant to be, it will last and perhaps you will gain some respect for yourself along the way because you have once again found your back bone.

Maximillian

Its been said in multiple different ways already in this thread and I will say it agaiin in my own way here.

It comes down to maturity. Your relationship has evolved from insecurities and now you both feel that the other holds you back.

Even if you don't say it you both resent the fact that you became segregated from your own friends. The reason that this segregation even happened comes down to trust which essentially comes down to how you feel about yourselves. Not how you feel about each other.

There is a big barrier between you now. She is, as she has been all along, acting on the resentment and pushing away because she NEEDS others in her life. So do you.

Believe me when I say that the pressure which has been building up for both of you is about to explode if you do not resolve this now. This cannot continue, as it is inconceivable that two people who genuinely love each other (which I have no doubt both of you do) can keep this up forever. You cannot be with each other 24/7 - not even close - and you shouldn't try.

My advice is thus:

Stop trying to control each other.
Sit down and talk about this.
Talk about trusting each other afresh.
Talk without constraint and without taking offense (as soon as offense is taken during this you have to go back to square one.)
Talk about how you have segregated each other and that it was the wrong thing to do.
Talk about ensuring that the time that you do have together is quality time.
Talk about how you handle confrontations with each other.

I am not a professional - which should be patently obvious. I do understand what you are going through and the resentment which you currently feel will only continue to grow. And she feels it just as much, and for the same reasons, as you.

Good Luck - I hope that you are successful - and if not know this - You will learn from this and you will not make the same mistakes again. She will learn from this and she will not make the same mistakes again.

This is what life is about - learn and try again

craichoe

Segregating yourself from your friends is just silly, You'll be subconsciously angry about it for a long time to come.

I know i would be anyway.

LegacyUser

thanks guys for all of your replies. if the situation seemed unclear its cos i was afraid she'd be reading this and recognise who i was so i just gave you all the bare essentials.

anyways, its over. i wanted the break from her as i had a lot going oon and i did seek professional advice. my head was a complete wreck the past week. the more i stood back from the situation nd tried to view it objectively and without bias (this was excruciatingly difficult), the more i could see what was happening. it was a control situation. a power struggle. she always wanted to be in control and when i tried to resist, she got angry and i just complied with her for the sake of sanity and peace.

when i took the break, she did not want it to happen despite her having wanted to take a break and space 3 times in the space of a few weeks. she got very emotional when i suggested it, and the craziest of accusations started flying, that i ruined various aspects of her life etc etc etc. this was over the phone as she was fighting with me fom the previous day and when i wanted to meet to talk to her about this she completely refused and started freaking out. in actual fact the break was her idea as she texted it to me and when i didnt reply she called and started freaking out. this sounds very strange and complex but please apreciate that i want to remain anonymus so i dont want to give too much away.

my family all encouraged this split as for a considerable length of tijme i was solely preoccupied with her and only her. she called me yesterday morning (we are still in our break time) and dmanded to see me so we could finish this off properly, but i refused as i had told her i would see her in a week. theres a lot of stuff going on at home and i cant be at her beck and cll 24/7. she hung up on me and for the first time in nearly 3.5yrs i didnt go chasing after her. so i guess its over. im not emotional or upset. tbh i had hoped we could work things out but she seems to have gotten over me in a flash which is rather disheartining but who knows what the future holds?!

im gaining a lot of lost ground wit my friends and they're being really supportive and ive also taken back up an old sport of mine in college and the craic is bloody mighty! so im not upset or emotional anymore. i finally feel like a student, better late than never i suppose even though im in my penultimate year.i did nnot realise how much i has missed out on. i did puut everything on hold for this girl and made my world revolve around her.
ive already been propositioned by 3 girls in the past week so my ego's not damaged!!! but im not ready for that just yet. i feel strong now but im dreading seeing her up town with her friends or worse another guy, that would be pretty ****. im not ready to see that yet. im already in talks about going away for the summer and working in another college abroad so things are getting exciting. my confidence is back up a bit.

the worst thing i find though is when im at home alone at night and the urge to text her or call her creeps in. this is the longest time in our relationship we have ever been apart. so the alone and lonely feelings kick in sometimes, when i wonder what shes doing or whatever. i do still love her very much, i really do but i could not go on with the relationship the way it is/was. i need someone who is supportive of me and what i do in life, as much as i would be of them. not someone who holds me cack because of jealousy or feelings of inadequacy or lost control. who knows, maybe in a couple of years time we might get back together, maybe and maybe not.

Talliesin, you're dead right mate, co-dependancy is exactly what it was. sorry about all the 'melodramatic, goth stuff' im not really like that but at the time i was not assertive and did not know what on earth was happeining, so im calmer and more comfortable in myself now. oh and i do not think romance is a competition, quite the contrary. i am a very romantic individual believe it or not. as regards the break... after you've been clingy with someone for so long, years, the break or withdrawal would serve as a space in which to re-evaluate the relationship and self, which is what i have done. and then work out any problems together after a long clear time apart. but she could not even let me do that, she had to try and regain control to assert herself and dominate.

facts:
i dont 'need' her
i do love her
although i have not been confident in a long time, i can feel it coming back.
i am a promising individual who needs to take risks and make the most of my college years.
my friends are my friends are my friends. no cut offs. ever. again. beruthiel you're dead right about that.

mark twain once said:''Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover''

im doing the collegething, the clubs, the study and the craic. im very happy. i feel free and it great. at the moment i will always see and have a place in my life for her, i hope she will be very happy and i mean that. but never again will i allow myself to be dominated like that.

guys like i said, a lot of this sounds sketchy but somethings are just too private to divulge, sorry if i have not made sense in any way. if you need clarification just call it and i will try to explain as best as i can.

thank you all, if you have any advice regarding how i should do things or just want to point out something to me, feel free.

apologies for the long long post. and possible bad grammar!

thanks,

paddy.

Talliesin

w-paddy wrote:

sorry about all the 'melodramatic, goth stuff'

Hey, put it in novel form and I'll lap it up, it's just not a good idea to let that stuff into your real life.

w-paddy wrote:

oh and i do not think romance is a competition, quite the contrary.

If I thought you really did think romance was a competition there'd have been little point in accusing you of treating it like it was

w-paddy wrote:

i am a very romantic individual believe it or not.

Oh, I got that straight away. I stated that I myself am of a romantic disposition to try to help avoid you dismissing all I had to say as coming from a cynic who doesn't understand romance.

w-paddy wrote:

i dont 'need' her

One of the problems of being a romantic is that we have a tendency to listen more to the sort of things that are used in smooth-talking, to build up romance in our heads as having to be about "needing" someone.
How often does a hero or heroine state that they "need" their lover in any romantic fiction? From the most melodramatic of the 18th and 19th Century to the safest middle-of-the-road Rom-Com there is so often this talk of "needing", or realising you "need" someone that it's actually quite deeply imbedded in our society's thinking as a measure of romance - that it's actually an ideal to need someone.

The fact is that romance is not something innate to anything. Romance is something we as people have made up using love, sexual desire, social mores, and artistic symbolism as our materials. This doesn't make romance unreal, or unimportant, or insignificant, but it does mean that judgements about what is or isn't romantic are subjective and malleable. Realising that won't make you less romantic, but equip you to make the most of how romance fits into your life for both you and your lovers.

A cynic will roll with that and say they need someone as part of seduction or pillow-talk. A romantic runs a danger of convincing themselves that it's actually true.

The need that people, with few exceptions, have in their lives is for people and love to be in their lives. Telling yourself you needed one person was actually reducing the contact you had with people and the love you could share with your friends.

It's natural, indeed it's right and fitting, to put your partner ahead of friends in how you spend your time, how you express your capacity to love and need to be loved, and in who in your life you are prepared to make sacrifices for. There's nothing wrong with having your partner mean more to you than your friends.

What's deeply unhealthy is the exclusivity. If someone is jealous or fearful about you having platonic relationships in your life, then that's not a good thing.

And if you don't want the same thing to happen again, I think you need to look at that, both in terms of what level of possessiveness you can deal with on the part of a lover, and in terms of your own possessiveness.

You need to think about just what level of possessiveness you really feel is appropriate - it doesn't have to be what you think is appropriate, or equal between the two of you, or fit anyone else's ideals whether traditional or modern. What you feel on this doesn't even have to be fair, you need to know what it is.

When you know where you stand on this question you can assess whether it's coming from an issue you have or just the way you are (truth is, that's a value judgement rather than anything it's possible to be objective about, but a value judgement you have to make). If you think you need to do work on what your feelings are in this way, then do it. Once you're confident in your own ideas about how relationships work for you, and confident that you can live by that, then do so.

Also, just how were you being "a bit protective/possesive (mildly) around other guys"? Some people will get gushy if you signal that you're "laying claim" to them, and there's no harm in that. Acting possessive can be done in a way that is sweet and romantic, a way that is sexual and sensual, a way that combines both of them, or a way that is insulting to the degree of trust you should have in each other.

The question is, is your acting possessive a way to make her feel special, a way to make her feel desired, the subtler edges of a kinky game you both play, or a signal that you don't trust her? All of the first three can be good in different ways, and can be mixed together nicely, but the last one is a killer. Possibly you'll always want to express that possessiveness in some way, but it won't always have to be about mistrust.

Another thing that romantic people can tend to do is have an ideal of being "perfect" for each other. One effect of that is that disagreements can have to go a certain way, they can't be left as things you disagree on or even things that you are compromising on - since people that are perfect for each other wouldn't have to compromise - so they become things that are secretly compromised on, without the compromise being acknowledged, and the disagreement remaining unspoken to fester. You said "when i tried to resist, she got angry and i just complied with her for the sake of sanity and peace". Firstly, you're going to have to be prepared to get angry back at someone if there's a row going on, though chances are if you've got genuine communication going on there'll be less anger all around. Secondly, did you just comply, or did you comply and then say you were happier with it than you really were?

w-paddy wrote:

i do love her

Yeah, and the next while is going to be very painful, and there's no way of getting away from a lot of that pain - indeed, if anything trying to do so could do more harm than good.

You're also going to have to not have some of the ways in which the relationship you were in made things easier. As I said, it's easier in a lot of ways to be co-dependent than to be a fully individual person sharing life with another fully independent person. You weren't even taking the back-seat to her (hey, for some people it can be nice to say, "you're in charge of this aspect of how we do things" for all concerned) but a back-seat to the relationship itself. Relationships do need work, but if one or both of you are working more for the relationship than your getting out of it - if it makes you lesser rather than making you more - then it's pathological.

w-paddy wrote:

my friends are my friends are my friends. no cut offs. ever. again.

Sometimes you do need to cut-off certain friendships, because life sucks sometimes and people are imperfect. Don't over-compensate and make yourself blind to people that are bad to you you have platonic relationships with, but do remember always that to cut someone off is a drastic measure only for drastic situations.

gamer

shes feeling hemmed in, most people want 2 go to college ,have a bit of freedom be4 they settle down, you dont own her, give her some space,save separate for a month,give her time to think.

Seraphina

congrats for realising how bad the relationship was for you.
i'd imagine this isn't quite the end though. she seems like the girl that will probably get back to you, possibly crying and attempting to emotionally blackmail you back into the relationship.
be strong, enjoy your new found freedom. anyone who tries to curb that is not the kind of person you want to be with.