My little sister is almost anorexia. How can i help?

LegacyUser

Hey,

I have a sister who was recently told by her doctor that she had lost too much weight and needed to gain some back. She said that my sister could have early symptoms of anorexia and she booked her in with a local pshchologist to help her out.

My sister did her leaving last year and worked like a trojan as most girls do. She was very focused and always found time to go to the gym or go watch tv etc etc She watched what she ate and generally looked very healthy and pretty.

However i think she was getting majorly stressed out and my mum told me a few weeks ago that she didn't have a period for almost 4 months. When my sister told my mum this my mum was naturally shocked and sent her to the doctor to get checked out. I've already explained what happend next.

So ever since i got back from holiday, i was away for 3 months, i have seen my sister get quite moody and generally kinda downbeat. I try to do my best to cheer her up and help her out with getting ready for college and stuff but she seems to slip back into the sombre mood as soon as i stop. She is also openly dismissive to my mum when she tries to talk to her. This is very hard on mum as she is worried sick inside and only trying to do her best for her only girl.

My question really is what's the best thing for me to do as her older brother? I tried talking to her about it, asking how she's getting on and stuff but it's hrad getting anything out of her. I even offered to go to one of her meetings with the psychologist.

Have any of you ever suffered from it? What's it like? do you listen to others at all or is it really just a personal battle?

thanks for any help,

concerned brother

Trinity

Dont have much advice for you other than to be supportive which you are already doing.

Whether it is actually anorexia, depression or stress, she is doing the right thing going to a psychologist. They are trained in this kind of thing and if it is a psychological problem then no she probably wont listen to you.

Whatever is embedded into her head is her own strong belief. Just be suppportive, try not to get angry even though you may not understand.

Psychological problems are extremely complex and it will be natural to get frustrated but realise that half the battle is seeking treatment which is what she is doing and she is probably trying her best.

just be patient. Hopefully she will get the help she needs from the psychologist.

generalmiaow

I used to live with an anorexic girl for quite a while, and while I never really met her family, I can tell you that for her and for other friends who have eating disorders, a lot of her stress can come from the parents, because very often the mother is seen as a source of pressure when it comes to food. (obviously because she'll be concerned about her daughter's health). If this happens, you should be there as another member of the family who will be there to listen to her, not siding against her as happens a lot with this type of thing. I do know that is a great asset to have.

Also, from the sounds of it, you won't be able to force her to talk to you, but since you've tried to talk to her already, she knows you won't freak out if she volunteers something. So I would suggest being available to be spoken to rather than trying to speak to her. And I know for certain that many of the things she will tell you might sound strange at first, especially in relation to how she views herself and eating, so try not to WTF as much as you can. If you can make sense of how she is thinking, even if you don't agree, she will know and you will be a very valuable part of getting better.

Trinity1 is dead right too, and in the long term remember that there are some psychologists who specialise in eating disorders and there are also dieticians. As much as you can keep track of whether she is continuing to visit her doctor.

neuro-praxis

You sound like a brilliant brother, well done in your support of her, your sister is very lucky to have you.

Victor

Why not contact www.bodywhys.ie and see if they have a support pack for families?

LegacyUser

cheers guys. thanks for the advice. Guess i'll just keep tryin to be nice and stuff.

Black Swan

Well, she has seen her GP and is seeing a psychologist. What more can be done? Just be there for her like a big brother.

hunnymonster

concerned bro. I was where you sister is (and worse) for 10 years. It's a really miserable life to lead. I have no medical training but I'd be happy to share my experiences of the disease with you. Could you PM me. I don't really want to put my personal life on the boards.

Evil Phil

Just keep being her big brother. Her somber moods may be related to the issues she's dealing with in counselling rather than the illness. Sounds to me like you're doing a great job.

b3t4

From bodywhys.ie at http://www.bodywhys.ie/t.php?c=supporting_someone/family_friends.html

For Siblings

* Accept that it is not your fault.
* Try to remember that your brother / sister is very distressed and has not stopped caring for you.
* Accept that you may have strong and conflicting feeling towards your brother/sister.
* Express your fears to your parents.
* Ask for information on the eating disorder.
* Try not to discontinue shared activities.
* Remember that even though your parents' attention will be focused on trying to help your brother / sister recover, you are still entitled to ask to have your needs met.


There is also the website www.something-fishy.org which has lots and lots of information about eating disorders.
The article "What You Can Do" might be helpful for you http://www.something-fishy.org/helping/whatyoucando.php

At the bottom of this article they have some "Things you shouldn't say.."
Things You Shouldn't Say...

"Are you sick?"
"You look like you have AIDS"

lets remember that the person with an Eating Disorder ALREADY has a low self esteem. Why would you want to say these things to anyone, let alone someone with an Eating Disorder (and what if the person in question really was HIV positive, or suffering with AIDS)? There's nothing wrong with approaching a close friend or family member you may be concerned about and saying "you've lost a lot of weight and I'm concerned about you" in a caring way, followed by "I'm here to listen if you want to talk," but any comment that comes across as insulting or an attack will be heard defensively and unproductive for what your original intention may have been.

"Would you just eat already!"
"I don't understand WHY you don't just eat..."
"You better stay out of the *&%'ing bathroom!"

These are not words of love, but of control. Threatening an Anorexic or Bulimic with "take-over" is not a good idea if you're trying to help. Let's try to keep in mind too, like we said earlier, there is a lot of guilt attached to Eating Disorders, so laying it on thick with statements like these only perpetuates that. If you're close enough, there's nothing wrong with a gentle "Want to have some dinner with me?" or "Talk to me" after a meal, but lets keep the mind games to ourselves. With statements like these the person seeking to help is only trying to pacify his or her own guilt in not being able to help, and looking for a quick fix.

"Why are you doing this to me?"
"Would you look at what you're doing to your boyfriend/husband/wife/kids..."

Again, with these types of questions you are only perpetuating guilt. You're basically saying "why do you make everyone so miserable" and "why do you burden us with all this worry" which is nothing but selfish, and even if not meant selfishly, will only be perceived as a "don't burden us with your problems" or "look at all the trouble you're causing." If you are close to someone with an eating disorder (and you might be if you're reading this) take it as an opportunity for yourself to learn to communicate more clearly, and to be a more understanding individual. Those suffering with an Eating Disorders are not DOING anything to you, but are struggling tremendously themselves, inside. You need to keep this in mind when posing questions that are selfishly motivated or hurtful (even if unintentionally).

"Why are you doing this to yourself?"
"Your have good things in your life, what's the problem?"

Those with an Eating Disorder do not choose to do this to themselves. There is no conscious choice (in most cases) where a person suffering from an Eating Disorder would prefer that lifestyle as opposed to one filled with self-love and happiness. This is a coping mechanism, a means for dealing with depression, stress and self-hate that has been built up over many years. It is a reflection of how the person suffering feels about themselves inside. Wonderful husbands, kids, supportive friends have little influence (other than sometimes temporarily) in creating the true self-esteem required for permanent recovery, to cope with life positively, and to learn to believe that we deserve good things in life and happiness. These disorders are about the person suffering and how they feel about themselves.

I hope the above helps.
A.

LegacyUser

thanks a lot beta that's awesome