The Unresolved

shiv

How many times have I been tickled to the begging-screeching point
Languid bones indifferent to any bedroom activity despite
The heavy-lidded looks strewn across some boy’s striped duvet?

(My gaze searching for fibres of you in the carpet)

How many evenings have I heard a soft, surrogate version of my name
Whisper-kissed into one premeditatedly placed ear
After an amazingly reticent dinner out at a restaurant?

(None of them French)

How many days have my eyes completely bypassed men’s ties in shops
Tongue-tasting watermelon words in another overripe mouth instead
My matinee heart sat in remembrance-protest before your lucid photograph?

(Paper-love morsels paramount in my mind)

Over time I have learned to stencil the strange
Into the familiar where you’re concerned
The intervening slippery hours not brought to any tenable conclusion
Since your ink-veins ran dry

(Every time you write you rip the up the prototype)

Taking the perforated letters to heart
I only let them out sparingly
To catch direct sunlight
Once every moth-eaten winter

(When I am rendered lover-less by the geometry of your absence)

Blush_01

Wonderful, as usual. Love the imagery. "Do what you do do well son, do what you do do well." Now if only I could remember the rest of that song.

Earthhorse

Glad to see you experimenting with brackets! And stanzas (the way you have isolated lines hanging off the end of them).

I sometimes think phrases like "remembrance-protest" are a bit heavy for poetry and crop up too often in your work. But then I get a different cadence when I reread it and find that some bits that didn't work now do and vice versa.

Either way the work continues to impress and is always a pleasure to read.

shiv

Earthhorse wrote:

Glad to see you experimenting with brackets! And stanzas (the way you have isolated lines hanging off the end of them).

I sometimes think phrases like "remembrance-protest" are a bit heavy for poetry and crop up too often in your work. But then I get a different cadence when I reread it and find that some bits that didn't work now do and vice versa.

Either way the work continues to impress and is always a pleasure to read.

Hey Earthhorse, I just came across your post yesterday. Haven't logged onto the forum in a few weeks...Thanks so much for your feeback. I think I see what you're saying about heavy phrases...Do you think it comes across as trying too hard or forcing too many words into a sentence? Sometimes I'm conscious of being a bit wordy...But yeah, the brackets were fun!

Blush 01, you're back! Yay Thanks for taking the time to comment, I will return the favour presently...

Earthhorse

shiv wrote:

Do you think it comes across as trying too hard or forcing too many words into a sentence? Sometimes I'm conscious of being a bit wordy...But yeah, the brackets were fun!

I don't think it comes across as either of those things. It's more a case of relying too much on them, same as if you were using the same adjectives over and over again. This could be an entirely subjective thing by the way, and I'm concious of the fact that I might sound less impressed with your work than I am. I just want to see it get even better but don't want to push you in a direction you're not going.

Le Rack

firstly I thought that was really good, sort of cryptic yet perfectly clear at the same time...

Is it los or anger or both you really want to convey, I get the feeling of both, and I think it was the "heavy-phrase"'s that EH mentioned that give rise to that, It doesn't seem forced for the sake of filler per sentence but for really pushing out the feeling, when angry or in pain that things come out in gushes, like I think the poem does...

well done!