Puzzled cheating issue

LegacyUser

Hey me & my GF had a heated discussion the other nite about this:

Basically her mate Anne got engaged recently to this guy called Brian. Now before they got engaged Anne and Brian were going out for years. Brian is a 30 and Anne is 24, he had been in a previous relationship and had sex where as Anne had never had sex with any1 else.
Basically while Anne was in collage bout 2 years ago she cheated on Brian a few times having sex with with some other chap in collage. Her reason was because she wanted to see what it was like to have sex with someone else. anyway Brian never found out.

Anyway i said to my girlfriend that i really dont wanna go to the wedding cos what i know really bothers me and i dont feel its right that there getting married, i feel really sorry for this guy, but id go for her ! and it would be nice to meet some of her old college mates too.

My girlfriend is obviously being a friend and standing by her but it bothers me that she understands why she did what she did??
i dont understand why she doesnt feel sorry for him !

Anyone got an opinion? i am right?

Ickle Magoo

I think people just view infidelity differently.

I'm like you & think there is never an excuse & never a justification but others (taking boards as a general overview) are quite prepared to accept that people "make mistakes", "want to experiment", "have now seen the error of their ways", etc...not sure if they would feel this way if it was their partner being discussed but certainly where others are concerned, they see no harm. Your gf may fit into a more lenient category than you.

cance

Everyone has different views OP, try not to be too judgmental as its different for everyone. If you have strong views against it, well then use them if you are ever unfortunate enough to be in the situation. But shunning others for doing/accepting said acts is not really your place.

Everyone makes mistakes and if their partner is willing to forgive then so should you. its not like they cheated on you

Ickle Magoo wrote:

but others (taking boards as a general overview) are quite prepared to accept that people "make mistakes", "want to experiment", "have now seen the error of their ways", etc...

lot of that these days isnt there!

Lurk

Infidelity is always distasteful but not going to the wedding seems a bit of an over-reaction. I wouldn't concentrate too much on the matter, if you can help it...their marriage may be a very long and happy one.

JungleBunny

Personally I think what she did was wrong, but as you say it was 2 years ago... get over it and go to the wedding!
And how do you know that the bloke never cheated???

Ayla

OP - what you didn't mention was if Brian knows now. If so, he's obviously still trusting and loving Anne enough and they've come to grips with it themselves.

Irregardless, though, I'd imagine it's not your place to judge. As you don't know Brian or Anne, and you're a third party to the entire situation, you can't possibly know the entire situation. All you can possibly know is what your gf knows, which may or may not be the entire truth. For instance, maybe your gf doesn't know if Anne's ever come clean to Brian (which seems a rather important point).

Of course we all feel for this Brian chap, but to base an entire judgement of Anne on what your gf said seems a bit unfair.

Dragan

xlkhlirti wrote:

anyway Brian never found out.

He says it right here.

netvista

yes i shall take the high ground as i am morally superior than everyone else as i have never done anything wrong in my life. if u feel that upset by what she did why don't u just tell the bloke, otherwise do nothing

Surfer

And if your girlfriend OP, has a similar history to her friend would she do the same and cheat on you, thats what I would be worried about as she is ok with her friends cheating for 'good reasons'.

Oryx

Their relationship and how they make it work is their business, not yours. If you didnt know this little snippet of info about the girl, would you like her, respect her, have her as a friend? If the answer to those is yes, then youve got to put what you know behind you and move on, (just like anne is) go to the wedding and have a nice day.

Im sure lots of people here, and yourself included, have done stuff in your life that was a mistake. That you would never contemplate doing again. The important thing is being allowed to live without having to suffer and be tarred with that forever afterwards.

daiixi

OP: I think it's a little late to take the moral high ground.

I personally think that Anne was wrong for cheating and that she was definitely wrong in not telling Brian but I also think that if you had a problem with it then perhaps you should have filled Brian in a couple of years ago. I also think that if you still really have a problem with it there's nothing stopping you telling Brian the truth before he gets married.

I'm not going to comment on your girlfriend's view because I don't know her and I don't know if what she says is what she really thinks either. Maybe she doesn't really agree/understand but has chosen not to lose her friend over it.

Black Swan

It's their relationship and their wedding, not yours. While cheating is intolerable, you kept silent for 2 years, so now is not the time to demonstrate. Be there for friendship, cause friendship is dear.

LegacyUser

Hey guys thanks for the replys !

I have only been going out with my GF for a year i have only met Anne & Brian twice !
So its not my place to say anything.

I think whats really bothering me is what someone has already pointed out and that is that is bothers me that my GF accepts her reason for cheating as a valid one ! which turns my stomach !

i just feels like she believes its ok to cheat if you have a good reson !

Ayla

daiixi wrote:

I personally think that Anne was wrong for cheating and that she was definitely wrong in not telling Brian but I also think that if you had a problem with it then perhaps you should have filled Brian in a couple of years ago. I also think that if you still really have a problem with it there's nothing stopping you telling Brian the truth before he gets married.

The problem with this statement is that the OP doesn't know Brian or Anne. He's learned about this whole situation through his gf. He's completely removed from the people involved. Therefore I think he has no right to tell Brian or judge Anne.

If you were in Brian's shoes, would you really appreciate some stranger (the bf of your fiance's friend) telling you that your fiance cheated on you years ago? How would that be a good thing?

Evil Phil

xlkhlirti wrote:

anyway Brian never found out.

You mean Brian never told anyone about it, maybe because its a private matter and no-ones business but their own.

As you've said though your real problem with this is you're girlfriends feelings about it. Maybe you should talk these through with her and let her know how you feel and why.

LegacyUser

xlkhlirti wrote:

Hey guys thanks for the replys !

I have only been going out with my GF for a year i have only met Anne & Brian twice !
So its not my place to say anything.

I think whats really bothering me is what someone has already pointed out and that is that is bothers me that my GF accepts her reason for cheating as a valid one ! which turns my stomach !

i just feels like she believes its ok to cheat if you have a good reson !

I'd have to view my partner in a different light is she took that view. But thats just me. Frankly I'd ask her if she felt I could have a few goes with some one to see if she actually understood her position.

I'd understand her standing by her friend..... but not justifying what her friend did.

Is Brian a bar man per chance?

iguana

OP, I get where you are coming from and in the past I would have felt the same as you. But since then I have met some people who have done things that I find morally reprehensible but I still like them as a person. While I can't find justification for their past behaviour I can see past that one part of them and view them as a whole, so that one part is not enough to influence my opinion of them.

Does that make sense? If your best friend cheated on his girlfriend would you end the friendship or would you find a way to see past it and continue your friendship? I could be wrong, but I'm guessing you'd stay friends. So perhaps that is where your girlfriend is coming from.

Why not just talk to your gf again, and explain that it seems to you that she has a very different view of infidelity to you. And that it worries you in terms of your relationship. I'm sure she'll put your mind at rest.

LegacyUser

But it was 2 years ago!
Maybe they were going through a rough patch or something.
Do you know the full story as to why she cheated? And you gf is only defending a mate! I probably would too. I would not be hapy with her, but that is her decision to make... not your nor your gf's! All you gf is trying to do is support a friend.
If it bothers you that much talk to your gf.

LegacyUser

Get over it wrote:

But it was 2 years ago!
Maybe they were going through a rough patch or something.
Do you know the full story as to why she cheated? And you gf is only defending a mate! I probably would too. I would not be hapy with her, but that is her decision to make... not your nor your gf's! All you gf is trying to do is support a friend.
If it bothers you that much talk to your gf.

You see.. like most PI posters you didn't bother to properly read the OP's posts.
He does not have an issue with Brian getting cheated on. Hardly gives a sh1t as it is not his friend. Nor does he not understand the concept of his GF defending her friend. I think he has an issue with her passing off her friends wrong doings in such a way as to convey she thinks it is ok that her friend did what she did because she had not had sex with any one else.

If it was my GF who said that I would tell her she was my first and did she mind if I gave some one else ago. Maybe then reality would sink in or I'd get to bang some one else for a few nights with a pass go and collect 200 euro on the way card.

Get over it wrote:

Maybe they were going through a rough patch or something.
Do you know the full story as to why she cheated? .

eh yes he does...

Pay attention before giving out advice.