Marital Problems.

markvaugh

I've been married for less than a year now, and my wife is pregnant. But we're having problems. She's delighted and I'm really looking forward to being a dad. Unfortunately I'm not being very supportive of her recently.
She reckons that I've always been regretful of getting married, and I guess I have been a little bit.
I'm not very good talking about my emotions so it's been really hard for us to talk about things. When I get into talking about how I feel, my brain freezes up, and I can't think at all.
More recently she feels like I no longer love her. I know I have really strong feelings for her, but I'm beginning to question that myself.

I always thought of her as quite an independent person, but she's not really at all and I'm not sure I can offer the kind of emotional support she needs. I have these feelings that she'd be a lot happier with someone else who shares more of her interests, her dreams (loads of kids ) and can love her the way she deserves.
I find it hard to say what my dreams are, and don't have anything concrete. I don't know what would make me happy.

I don't know if I'm being afraid, and trying to push her away, or if I feel like we don't belong together.

When we started going out it was long distance, and from there things moved very quickly. Now I feel really confussed,
I think I should be talking to a professional but I'm not sure to whom.

dr.bollocko

Well there are marriage councillors, and you could also see a therapist, or life-coach yourself, if you didnt want to alarm your wife.
It sounds like that all of a sudden, now you have become married and a baby is on the way, its a hard thing to come to terms with. Maybe you werent thinking that far ahead before, and now you can see 18 years stretching out in front of you through a kid.
Its hard to see where your life fits in to all this new responsibility.
But look, you wouldnt have married your wife unless you loved her and thats what you wanted.
And even if the reasons why you love her are evaporating daily you have to remember all the reasons why she is a great person that you wanted to spend your life with, and not to worry so much about the kid and the future.

I wouldnt worry about you not sharing her interests so much, she seems to really love you.
She is pregnant now and will need emotional support to deal with that. The level of emotional support she needs now will be much more than what you have come to expect in the relationship.
I mean anyone can understand that. But after she has had the baby she won't be as emotionally demanding of you, and her own coping mechanisms will return stronger with time. (Though it may be much much much more physically demanding)
It seems like you are at the stage of the relationship when both people need to spend a bit of relaxation time separate from the spouse.
Try to reclaim a bit of your own identity, even if its only one night a week, even if its only an empty room to watch a soccer game in, or going out for a drink alone with your mates.
I reckon that this may be a standard response to your type of situation, led by anxiety, not a lack of courage. If you can find yourself some room to move, and to be yourself, you may find yourself a lot more able to cope.

markvaugh

Some good advice there, Thanks I appreciate it.

Nevyn

Ok she is married to you and having your child this alone is a huge level of commitment to you and your life together and the fututre to come.

Yes she has changed and is more emotional and looking for more emotional support because she is pregnant.
Some of it is horrormoans some of it is looking for reassurance that you are going to stick arround and help provide for and help rear the child when it comes and to care for her while she recovers.

All of them not logical but all of them very real and rational fears for when you are pregnant.

I would suggest that you do some reading up on the changes she is going through and what to expect and how to see things for what they are and not that your relationship is dying it definatly changing due to you becoming parents.

If you feel that you are having issues opening up and there will be conversations what you never dreamed of having once you have a child to consider then why not think about going to talk to someone for your own sake.

LegacyUser

The girl was decent enough to marry U.
She probably thought U were a man.

So, behave like one.

onemanband

markvaugh wrote:

I've been married for less than a year now, and my wife is pregnant. But we're having problems. She's delighted and I'm really looking forward to being a dad. Unfortunately I'm not being very supportive of her recently.
She reckons that I've always been regretful of getting married, and I guess I have been a little bit.
I'm not very good talking about my emotions so it's been really hard for us to talk about things. When I get into talking about how I feel, my brain freezes up, and I can't think at all.
More recently she feels like I no longer love her. I know I have really strong feelings for her, but I'm beginning to question that myself.

I always thought of her as quite an independent person, but she's not really at all and I'm not sure I can offer the kind of emotional support she needs. I have these feelings that she'd be a lot happier with someone else who shares more of her interests, her dreams (loads of kids ) and can love her the way she deserves.
I find it hard to say what my dreams are, and don't have anything concrete. I don't know what would make me happy.

I don't know if I'm being afraid, and trying to push her away, or if I feel like we don't belong together.

When we started going out it was long distance, and from there things moved very quickly. Now I feel really confussed,
I think I should be talking to a professional but I'm not sure to whom.

Your having your first baby and you are ****ting yourself - Completely understandable

You are less than one year married and you a little bit regretful that you did - Also completely understandable

Both of these circumstances are unnerving you. At the same time your wife is looking for bigtime emotional support which is also putting you under pressure. Also understandable.

However you need to be careful that you do not allow this to mushroom out of control in your mind to the point where you are questioning if you love her or want to be with her.

Being frank you need to get a grip here. Tackle this head on. stepup to your responsibilities and support your wife and child. Get yourself some free time to steady your head and regain some perspective.

Recognise that with all this stuff going on you are probably lacking perspective. relax the cacks. When your baby arrives you will love it more than life itself. You will find your bond with your wife will also strengthen.

Then you can relax into a life of persecution and torment at the hands of your loving wife and family (joke!!)

Best of luck. Things will work out fine.

LegacyUser

markvaugh wrote:

I've been married for less than a year now, and my wife is pregnant. But we're having problems. She's delighted and I'm really looking forward to being a dad. Unfortunately I'm not being very supportive of her recently.
She reckons that I've always been regretful of getting married, and I guess I have been a little bit.
I'm not very good talking about my emotions so it's been really hard for us to talk about things. When I get into talking about how I feel, my brain freezes up, and I can't think at all.
More recently she feels like I no longer love her. I know I have really strong feelings for her, but I'm beginning to question that myself.

I always thought of her as quite an independent person, but she's not really at all and I'm not sure I can offer the kind of emotional support she needs. I have these feelings that she'd be a lot happier with someone else who shares more of her interests, her dreams (loads of kids ) and can love her the way she deserves.
I find it hard to say what my dreams are, and don't have anything concrete. I don't know what would make me happy.

I don't know if I'm being afraid, and trying to push her away, or if I feel like we don't belong together.

When we started going out it was long distance, and from there things moved very quickly. Now I feel really confussed,
I think I should be talking to a professional but I'm not sure to whom.

To be honest I think you are behaving like most blokes having a kid.
You're panicing. There isnt anything wrong with that. From what I've seen over the past year or so, this is totally normal.

My dad did the same. He tells me all the time he nearly had a nervous breakdown when I was born...in detail

I'd say its difficult to love a hormonal nutter. The hormonal nutter is probably even worse because she thinks you don't want to be married.
I'd say there are alot of people who every now and again wish they never got married. But it is what you make of it. It is what you think of it.
If you think of it like a trap for example.. it will be.

Do you remember why you got married in the first place?

Hang in there. The trick is to share the weight of the responsibility you're feeling with her, and tell her you're fear of everything changing so quickly if thats what it is. Really you are the only one that knows if its panic or a huge mistake.

I always thought of her as quite an independent person, but she's not really at all and I'm not sure I can offer the kind of emotional support she needs. I have these feelings that she'd be a lot happier with someone else who shares more of her interests, her dreams (loads of kids ) and can love her the way she deserves.
I find it hard to say what my dreams are, and don't have anything concrete. I don't know what would make me happy

.

When did you find out she was not an independant person?
Was this before or after babyville?
As for dreams... take each day at a time. Stop freaking out. You seem like you are under severe pressure at the moment, and you should even just tell her that for the moment with everything shifting so fast, until you think this through fully.